Choices (8 page)

There was nothing to say to this. It was
true, in a way, and yet also an intentional exaggeration, expecting
contradiction. I made little cooing sounds of polite denial,
pleased at his gesture. His arms were around me still, but the
beginning of the reoccurrence of last night’s excitement was
over.

Can you forgive me
, he asked,
for putting you in such a compromising position, for
jeopardizing your chance at La Sapienza?
His voice was
uncharacteristically diffident now. He was no longer making a show
of regret, but a genuine apology, and he was unsure of my
answer.

This was really the easiest part of the
night’s discussion, at least for me.
I already have
, I
said. It was pointless to dissemble, and there was no issue of
pride between us.

Dominic brooded beside me in silence.
I
will leave you alone
, he said.
It is the only decent thing
to do. Even I should be able to wait six months. When your training
is over, we can be together then
.

I sat up on the bed, too upset to lie still,
feeling his arms drop away from me. It was difficult enough to
imagine being without him for six days, much less six months.
Dominic had not taken in the magnitude of my dilemma.
But you
don’t understand!
I cried.
Edwige was talking about years,
about most of my productive life
. To myself I was thinking:
Too old to have a child. By the time I could be with Dominic,
should he still want me then, I would be an old woman, too old to
bear his child. On Terra it was different, but here…

There was a stunned silence where Dominic was
in my mind. After a long interval he said,
Is that truly how
you feel? Amalie, dearest, do not offer such a gift
lightly
.

The thought had stunned me as well. On Terra,
with the overpopulation, the constant threat to the remaining
fragile resources, motherhood was a luxury, heavily taxed, limited
by having no accommodation made for it. Many women rejected it as
being too great a drain on one’s time and energy, deforming the
body so that more cosmetic surgery was required beyond the standard
stuff usually over and done with in one’s teens. Few people married
in any meaningful sense, so that a woman with a child was forced to
work hard for years, not just for herself, as we all did, but for
another person. I had never seriously contemplated taking on such a
burden.

Now I was in a world where most women married
early and had several children. At my age, as Edwige had pointed
out, many women were already grandmothers, sometimes more than
once. The population was still small, centuries after the original
settlement, as the early hardships had led to high levels of
mortality. Still later, ‘Graven inbreeding had created a situation
where a man in Dominic’s position would do whatever he could to
produce a healthy heir. Dominic,
vir
and preferring not to
encumber himself with the kind of household a wife would require,
had remained unmarried. But he had, more than once, fathered a
child, to ensure that Aranyi would have a lord after his death.

I had learned some of this from Dominic
himself, more at my
crypta
test. Without knowing all of
it, I had offered Dominic the greatest gift a woman could give him.
Whether he wanted or needed this gift was unimportant. I had
offered it, by worrying about being too old, by including it as a
factor in the choice I had to make.

Dominic had asked me a question.
Yes
, I said,
that is how I feel
. Had meeting him
changed my opinion of motherhood, or had my maternal desires always
been there, gaining strength as my fertile years ticked away?
Either way, I was unable to rehearse my answers with Dominic or
withhold the truth in our communion. My deepest, most honest
feelings, instead of being buried under layers of protective lies,
were all at the surface, ready to be revealed by any probing
question of his.

Then
, Dominic said,
I must offer
you an equally valuable gift in return. There is nothing truly
comparable, but I can offer you this
.

I waited, afraid he was returning to the
question of his nature, his love of young men that was so essential
to him. But I needn’t have worried.

I will leave you alone for six
months
, he said,
as I have promised. If, at that time, you
still want me, you have only to say so, and name your terms. If
not, I will accept your refusal with no argument
. There was a
determination behind his words, as if he were spitting them out
between clenched teeth, forcing himself to say something that did
not come easily.

Hurt that he could propose such a lengthy
separation, I balked at the thought of being without him all that
time. Dominic reached up for me, drawing me down on the bed again.
It will not be easy for me, either
, he said. He held me
for a while, his thoughts sympathetic.
You may find that I am
not so desirable once you have had a chance to compare
.

With only three men here, one betrothed, one
less interested in women even than Dominic, and the third
twenty-five years older than me, I decided he was being
disingenuous, trying to appear modest. I kissed his hand where it
would have been resting on my shoulder, if he were here.
True
, I agreed, choosing on the basis of superficial
similarities,
I may find I prefer Paolo di Battista
.

Dominic did not see the humor.
Or Tomasz
Liang
, he said. I attempted to explain, for his own peace of
mind, but Dominic was concerned now for my wellbeing, and would not
be distracted.
Please, Amalie, give La Sapienza a chance. At
the end of six months, you will have the education that any gifted
girl would receive. You will need that. You can’t live with
crypta
, untrained; it’s torture.

That much I knew. I had been enduring that
torture all my life. It was the one thing preventing me from simply
quitting now, slinking away to the town while everyone in La
Sapienza was at prayers or at supper, and making my way back to
Eclipsia City in the morning. It would be a relief never having to
face any of them again, never having to listen to their thoughts of
me or try to hide my own.

You may also discover
, Dominic
continued his argument,
that you can become a sibyl, that it
means more to you than anything. And if that is the case, you would
be foolish to throw that away
.

The same consideration had been uppermost in
Edwige’s mind, and I knew it was the only practical, long-term goal
for me if I wished to live as an Eclipsian. I had just admitted, in
my time alone, that I needed work, a place in the world, to support
myself and to give purpose to my life, like my rejected Terran job
and citizenship. Until someone else was hired for my position, it
was mine to reclaim; I had a last resort, a precarious
independence, at least for a while.

All right
, I agreed to Dominic’s
proposal. I would be brave, and perhaps people would, if not
forget, simply lose interest. Everything becomes old and boring
eventually, and so would I become, and my nighttime adventure. Once
I was accepted again as just another novice, I could focus on the
training. If nothing else, I would gain, as Dominic had stressed,
the necessary control that makes living with
crypta
bearable.

Dominic was preparing to go, to keep his end
of the bargain and leave me alone. Luckily I remembered in time. I
had a final question, one Edwige would not have approved.
What
if I need to come to you? It was difficult for me this time. I
don’t think I will always have the energy for it
.

That is a good thought
, he said.
You must be able to summon me, if you need help or are
lonely
.

I didn’t contradict him by reminding him I
was not supposed to so much as talk to him, no matter how lonely I
might be.

Dominic showed me how I could send my mind
directly to his, using the same low-level radiation our bodies
emit, much like making the inner flame, and without the exhausting
business I had used of simulating physical travel. Like all tricks
of
crypta
, this mind-travel is relatively simple. Learning
it requires someone to teach it, to show the mechanics and be a
practice partner. Dominic withdrew farther and farther away while I
sent myself to him, until he was certain I had mastered the
technique.

But how can I tell if you are alone?
I asked.
I interrupted you now, and I wouldn’t want to make a
nuisance of myself
.

You could never be that
, Dominic
said.
You mustn’t worry so much. I will never close myself to
you
.

I was convinced Dominic lacked the Terran
need for privacy that had led to my guilty recoil from my
intrusion, despite my own arousal from it. I was wrong, as I would
find out later; Dominic had accepted, more readily and
unquestioningly than I could, the emotional conjoining that made
such matters irrelevant between us. At my insistence, however, he
showed me how to check before making contact that he was alone and
free to receive my visit.

At last we were ready to part.
In six
months
, he said,
we will see whether you wish to be a
sibyl or—
He had been about to say something but had thought
better of it. He was more accomplished in the management of his
gift; he could hide his thoughts when he wanted to, and I could not
read them.

Or what?
I asked.

Or the nucleus of a telepathic cell
,
he said.
That way you will have more freedom than a sibyl, if
less power
.

He is clever, my Dominic. It was a good
answer, but not what he had been about to say. I did not press him
for a definition; I knew I had held him long enough. It was
unimaginable that I must wait six months to have this pleasure
again, but it all made sense, as Edwige and Dominic had both, from
different angles, persuaded me.

Kiss me for luck
, I said, as I felt
him leaving. He did, long and lingering, until I was afraid we
would spend another night like last night, despite all our
promises. I broke our embrace, reluctantly but firmly.
Go back
to that handsome boy
, I said.
He must be wondering why you
dismissed him, whether he did something wrong. Call him back in;
show him you still want him
.

Dominic was at first suspicious at my words,
then, when he examined my feelings, the thoughts I had been
exploring all day, exultant.
You are like a gift from the gods
to me
, he said.
I will not lose you if I can help it. But
you must be the one to decide
. There was a final kiss, a quick
touch of his hand, and he was gone.

It was still early, not yet time for supper,
and I had been given liberty for the entire night. I could stay in
my room, have food brought to me, and put off the unpleasant
reentry to La Sapienza’s community until the morning. But I decided
not to wait. I had made the decision—not my final one, but enough
for now. I had chosen to stay here, to remain as an Eclipsian in
their world. Let them see it.

I thought for my aide and he came quickly to
me, as if he knew what had happened, as I suppose he did. I bathed
and put Drusilla’s clothes on for what I hoped would be one of the
last times, and went in to supper. Better to face my trial now than
first thing in the morning, when I am at my weakest.

As I entered the hall, I was anticipating at
best coolness, at worst a repeat of breakfast or universal
condemnation. But the mood was incredible, warm and welcoming, as
if everyone wanted to embrace me. No one would—we all shared the
telepath’s dislike of being touched unexpectedly—but the thoughts
were there, as real as physical contact, almost like Dominic’s
mental lovemaking. Tomasz smiled and rose to bow to me. Matilda
said, “I’m glad you were able to come downstairs to eat.” Even
Drusilla approached me, her head hanging, and whispered a brief,
painful, “I’m sorry,” before retreating to the back of the
crowd.

It was an assembly of love, and I accepted
its healing balm. They were all telepaths, and until I was much
more highly trained, I was incapable of hiding from them what I had
thought and decided. They were gratified that I had chosen to stay,
that whatever I shared with Dominic, I had not turned my back on
this, the community of my peers. Or what could be, if I worked.
From now on, I vowed, I would apply myself to my education. I could
not stop thinking about Dominic entirely, but I would relegate him
to the future, to what might happen in six months. The present
belonged to La Sapienza. I went to bed truly alone for the first
time in days, but feeling as if I were cradled in a mother’s
arms.

T
he next morning I
asked to see Edwige, to apologize for my offensive words. She had
known of my decision, as everybody had, but saw no need to make a
fuss over me, simply accepting that, with the help of her good
advice, I had made the sensible choice. Still, she was pleased,
brushing off my words of contrition, saying, “I’ve been called
worse, for less reason. Let’s forget it, and see if you can
graduate from high school.”

I was hopeful, almost eager, as I resumed my
lessons with the young people. I had been dreading this more than
anything, having to sit with Drusilla and Rosalie with the memory
of yesterday’s breakfast hanging over us. But the welcoming mood
that had enveloped me last evening was just as strong today. As we
practiced our physical control, performing frivolous tasks and
using prisms of different shapes and sizes to improve our
dexterity, the others were quick to praise my skill.