Circus of Thieves on the Rampage (6 page)

Her first call was to Jemima Steam, the nautical fire-eater. It turned out she was now working as a pearl diver in the Maldives, but the minute she heard about the Oh, Wow! Centre revival, she
vowed to get on the next flight home and be there in time for the show.

Next up was Zygmond Tszyx, the trampolining bubble wizard, who was now the Transport Minister of Hungary. But Budapest would just have to remain gridlocked, because Zygmond Tszyx was in, and he
was bringing along his son, Zygmond Tszyvn.

Then there was Cissy Noodles and her swimming poodles. Cissy now ran Alaska’s most popular chain of Mongolian Barbecue restaurants, but Alaska was going to be just that little bit hungrier
from now on, because, yes, Noodles and her oodles of poodles were going home.

The Aquabats of Arabia were still together, but now working as car mechanics in Wigan. They signed up, too, quicker than you can say spark plug.

Bunny Weasel and her synchronised otters had fallen on hard times. She was now a prison officer in Ushuaia, which is the southernmost prison in the world, at the very bottom of Argentina.
She’d been locked up there for pickpocketing, but, following a bet with a drunken prison guard about whether she could teach a cockroach to do a dance routine (which she won (it was a
foxtrot)), she’d switched places with the guard, who was now serving out the rest of her sentence. But there was no way of knowing what would happen to that foolish prison guard now, because
Bunny was on her way to the Oh, Wow!

Ruggles Pynchon, the magician-recluse, was the hardest to find. Eventually, via his publisher,
²⁰
Queenie tracked down a top-secret phone number and
called him. At the moment he picked up, he was inside an air-conditioning shaft in the Kremlin,
²¹
where he’d been working for several months as a
spy. Under the code name The Kremlin Gremlin, he’d been sneaking around hiding biros, moving car keys, unmatching socks in the president’s sock drawer, and misaligning the perforations
on toilet rolls. It was all very top secret – a mission known only to those in MI6 with super-ultra-mega-whopper security clearance level 17. But, when he got the call from Queenie, that was
it. Bye-bye civil service pension. Ruggles was off. And Queenie Bombazine’s Ecstatic Aquatic Splashtastic Circus of the Century was on!

Three and a half seconds after the tickets went on sale, every single one was sold. Even the seats at the very back, from where you could only see the stage through a telescope.

G
RANNY LED HANNAH
down to her basement. It was a dark, cobwebby place that smelt of seaweed and old trainers, which is slightly
confusing, since on this occasion time was behaving properly and heading politely forward in an orderly way as it was taught to do in school. Although, having said that, going down into
Granny’s basement was a bit like going into the past, since it was stacked to the ceiling with very old things from very long ago, all of which belonged in either a museum or the
bin.
²²

In among the mounds of dusty artefacts from Granny’s past, one object stood out. It stood out because it was sparkling clean, glistening with up-to-dateness.

It was a bike. No ordinary bike, but a tandem. And no ordinary tandem, either, but what you would have to call a mountain tandem. It had massive chunky tyres, wide chunky mudguards, chunky
pedals, chunky handlebars, a chunky bell, and chunks of chunks bolted onto the chunky frame just for the sheer chunkiness of it. This bike was chunky.

‘I customised it myself,’ said Granny. ‘Brought it up to date for our trip.’

‘But how did you know we were going on a trip?’

‘Because I knew you were going to be told the truth about your past on your twelfth birthday, and I know you’re not the kind of girl to take something like that lying down.
You’re not even the kind of girl to take it standing up. You’re the kind of girl to go straight round to her granny’s house demanding to know the truth and, if what she tells you
doesn’t stack up, insisting on setting off on a trip to find out what needs to be found out. That’s the kind of girl you are. And it’s the kind of girl your mother was, too. So I
got this bike ready as your birthday present. It used to be Wendy and Wanda’s.’

‘It’s fantastic!’ said Hannah. ‘I love it! Thank you!’

‘Happy Birthday my love.’

They hugged a big size twelve birthday hug, but not for long. There wasn’t time.

‘So, lets go!’ said Hannah

‘Let’s go!’

Hannah and Granny heaved the bike up from the basement. They were just about to climb on when an important question occurred to Hannah.

‘Wait!’ she said. ‘Where are we actually going?’

‘To find your father. To find Billy.’

‘I know that, but
where
? We don’t know who my father is and we don’t know where Billy is.’

‘Aaah,’ said Granny, ‘we don’t know where they are now, but I’m pretty sure where they will be this weekend.’

‘How could you possibly know that?’

‘I’ve had a text message from an old friend of mine. She’s coming out of retirement. She’s putting on a comeback show. And, when
she
puts on a show,
everyone
who has
anything
to do with
any
circus
anywhere
goes along to watch.’

This idea excited Granny so much that she trembled and quivered and gesticulated and knocked the bike over, but the bike was so chunky it just laughed and said, ‘Ha! I didn’t even
feel that! Not a thing!’

‘Besides,’ said Granny, ‘this friend of mine has some history with your father. Or, rather, with one of your fathers. Or one of the people who might be your father.’

‘You’re being very confusing,’ said Hannah, as she picked up the bike.

‘My friend is called Queenie Bombazine and Armitage Shank detests her. She’s his oldest enemy. So I’m sure he’ll be at her comeback show, trying to get revenge of some
sort. I just know it. Sure as eggs is eggs.’
²³

‘And do you think Billy will be with him?’

‘Definitely.’

‘Oh, Wow!’

‘How did you know?’

‘Know what?’

‘Where the show is going to be.’

‘I don’t know,’ said Hannah, giving Granny an I-love-you-but-you’re-bonkers look.

‘But you just said it!’

‘Said what?’

‘The Oh, Wow! That’s where they’ll be.’

‘Granny, I think you might be having a sugar crash. You’re just talking complete gibberish.’

‘The Oh, Wow! Centre. The massive, pointless tent in the middle of nowhere! That’s where Queenie’s putting on her circus! I’ve got us tickets already.’

‘Oh, great!’

‘Oh, Wow!’

‘OK.’

‘OK! So let’s go!’

‘Let’s go.’

And off they went, heading directly for the middle of nowhere, the bike laughing again as they set off, saying, ‘Two of you? Is that all? I could take three! I could take five! I could
take sixty-eight! Feel my chunks! Go on, feel my chunks!’

A
T EXACTLY THE SAME MOMENT,
Armitage and Billy were also setting off. Yes, exactly the same moment. Spooky, isn’t it, when
connected things happen in different places at the same time? Yes, the same time! I’m scaring myself now. I’m going to have to hide under the sofa for a bit and eat a
biscuit,
²⁴
until I’ve calmed down.

They travelled all of three centimetres before encountering their first problem. An angry head, sticking out of the window of a caravan, yelled in an angry voice: ‘Oi! Where do you think
you’re going? I know that outfit! You’re on the rampage! What’s going on?’

It was Frank, the clown. Or maybe it was Hank, the other clown.

‘Are you leaving us behind?’ yelled another angry voice, from out of the same window.

This was Hank. Or maybe Frank.

‘Ow! My neck!’ yelled Hank/Frank.

‘What’s wrong with your neck?’ yelled Frank/Hank.

‘I had this window first.’

‘Well, I had it second.’

‘It’s not big enough for two!’

‘Yes it is!’

‘No it isn’t!’

‘Yes it is! Why are you so selfish?’

‘Why are
you
so selfish?’

‘Why are
you
so selfish?’

‘Why can’t you use the other window?’

‘Why can’t
you
use the other window?’

‘Hong heuuurrghhhhh!’ yelled someone else, now sticking his head out of the window of another caravan. This was Maurice: professional acrobat, professional Frenchman.
‘What’s going on! I’m in ze meedle of a massage! Can’t an ‘umble genius of strrrength and dexterity ‘ave a moment’s peace?’

‘Billy and Armitage are going on the rampage!’ yelled Hank and Frank together. ‘Without us!’

‘There’s no need to be suspicious,’ said Armitage. ‘It’s just a little father and son bonding trip.’

‘Hah!’ said Fingers O’Boyle, the magician who was so light-fingered his fingers sometimes almost floated away. He was at that moment returning from his morning swim, dressed in
a strikingly simple outfit, which seemed to consist of one leaf.
²⁵
‘When a criminal tells you not to be suspicious, it’s time to be very
suspicious. What are you up to, Shank?’