City of Fate (15 page)

TANYA HAS A SECRET

P
eter and Yuri were lying side by side in the
basement
. Mrs Karmanova was snoring a few feet away from them. Tanya wasn’t home yet. The two candles were lit, throwing shadowy waves across the wall. Yuri wondered what time it was; it felt late and there was an unpleasant chill in the air.

There had been a tug of war with the blankets, Yuri having to drag them back over himself every time Peter moved, which was frequently. Once again, Peter changed position and Yuri was left without cover. Raising himself up on his elbow so that he could peer down at the small figure, he addressed him in a stern whisper, ‘Peter …!’

‘Shush, he’s asleep.’

‘Tanya!’ Yuri exclaimed out loud, and then reddened with
shame when he saw the expression of annoyance on her face. Fortunately, neither Peter nor her mother stirred.

It would have been far worse if he had woken Mrs
Karmanova
. These days she never stopped whining to her
daughter
about every little thing. She was worse than Peter, when she got going, ‘Tanya, I’m so hungry’, ‘Tanya, why is the bread so hard?’ and ‘Tanya, do you not love your mother anymore, you never smile at me.’ It was like the mother had become the child. Yuri had caught Tanya rolling her eyes more than once, when she came home from the factory, tired out, to her mother who immediately wanted to be entertained or minded. Some days Tanya managed to find a little vodka for her mother. This helped her relax and usually sent her
happily
off to sleep, allowing her daughter some time to herself.

As young and innocent as he was, it had occurred to Yuri that Tanya was looking if not exactly unhappy, then maybe a little impatient. At least, tonight, he had a present for her. He got up from where he was lying, careful not to knock Peter awake. ‘I brought you bread that was only baked today. We got it from some women who are living underground.’

Tanya took it from him, broke it in half, pushed a bit into her mouth and chewed where she stood.

He waited in vain for her to ask about the women. The annoyed expression was still there, so he searched around for something to say. He would have preferred a cheerful topic,
but the bread was the only good thing that had happened. Still, he was desperate to talk to her, so he went for the other big event, ‘When Peter and I were with the women three German soldiers arrived. They had smelt the bread, just like us.’

‘Oh,’ was all she said.

He couldn’t understand her lack of interest. They were in a city being invaded and destroyed by Germans, yet none of them, as far as he knew, had actually met one – and
certainly
not three in one go. ‘Well, yes,’ he said huffily, thinking,
maybe she thinks I’m making up stuff to show off.
Feeling a little insulted, he continued, ‘They swapped horse meat for bread. One of them could speak Russian.’ He stopped to consider if he should mention the awful story they had heard. Normally he wouldn’t have considered repeating it, but her silence provoked him. ‘Yeah, he told us that they weren’t Nazis; they were only German soldiers. Isabella, one of the women, told me there was a difference.’

Still, Tanya said nothing.

So, he jumped to the heart of the story, suddenly blurting out, ‘They killed a load of babies and children. Well, they didn’t actually do it, not those three, but they didn’t stop it from happening.’

There, she was looking at him now. Panicked at
possibly
upsetting her, he rushed on, ‘They just wanted the war to end so they can go home. They said there were lots of
German soldiers who felt the same.’

Her eyes filled with tears. He was ashamed at what he had done, but assumed she was crying for the dead babies, and, because of that, was unprepared for her saying, ‘Yes, Yuri. You see, they’re not all bad. They’re just doing a job for someone else, same as us.’

Having no idea what to say to this, he nodded his head ever so slightly.

She made an attempt at a smile, but that was all. Her face was pale, with dark shadows like bruises beneath her eyes.

‘Are you feeling alright?’ he ventured, unsure of what he was allowed to ask.

Ignoring his question, she stared straight at him and asked one of her own, ‘Can I trust you, Yuri? I mean,
really
trust you?’

There was only one answer he could make to her, and he said it immediately, ‘Yes, of course!’

Beckoning him to grab the stool beside him, she took one herself and the stub of one of the candles, carrying them both to the far corner, as far away as possible from Peter and her mother. As much as Yuri might have relished this time alone with her, he couldn’t ignore the fluttering anxiety in the pit of his belly.

As soon as he sat down she bowed her head and mumbled, ‘I have to go out again. Can you tell Mama I had to work a double shift?’

Petrified, he whispered, ‘Yes.’

Minutes passed as they both stared at the ground in front of them. He felt her wanting to look at him, but she wouldn’t allow herself to do so. Determined to be a worthy
companion
, he didn’t intrude on her thoughts. They couldn’t be happy ones; in fact, she seemed worried and tired. ‘What are your hopes for the future?’

Her question threw him. He had never been asked
anything
like this before, though it was hardly a difficult
question
, ‘I want the war to end and my family to come home.’

‘Yes, yes.’ She shrugged impatiently. ‘But after that?
Everyone
wants the war to end.’

Ashamed to have annoyed her again, when he was doing his best to appear as grown-up as possible, his mind went blank. It was almost unbearable to admit, ‘Um, I don’t really know. I suppose I want to get a job and … maybe get
married
someday.’ There was silence to this, giving him time to be furious at himself,
why can’t I think of something interesting?
‘Wait,’ he added, in relief, ‘I hope to go to university and be a lecturer, like my father. Well, he’s my stepfather really, but he prefers me to call him “father”.’

Staring straight ahead, she asked, possibly just out of
politeness
, ‘What does he lecture in?’

‘The sciences,’ he replied uncertainly. He realised he didn’t know exactly what his stepfather did. He had always assumed he had plenty of time to find out things like that.

Overwhelmed with this sudden longing to know exactly what his stepfather worked at, he missed what Tanya had said just then, and, rather shamefacedly, had to ask her to repeat it.

‘Volker is a chemical engineer. I imagine your stepfather would know something about that.’

He was dumbfounded.
Wasn’t that a German name?

Not noticing Yuri’s shocked reaction, Tanya went on explaining. ‘Well, chemistry is a science, isn’t it? I don’t know much about it but I do know that much.’

There was a booming noise in Yuri’s head, like bombs going off in the distance, creating a murky fog that was too thick to see through:
Volker
?
Volker
?

He stared and stared at her until she gave in and registered whatever expression was plastered across his face; he felt that expression might be frozen there forever.

The night was so very, very cold. Wrapping her coat around her, Tanya pressed her chin against the collar.

He waited, but nothing. Was she going to copy Peter and make him beg for an answer to an obvious question:
Who the hell was Volker
? It was his turn to get annoyed, and he could hear the resentment in his voice. ‘Yes, it is a science. Volker? Isn’t that a German name?’

‘I swear to you, Yuri, keep your voice down or …’ she hissed at him, like a cat hissing at a curious dog who has yet to realise its instinct is to chase.

‘Or what? You’ll have your German friend deal with me?’
Yuri sneered, ever so quietly.

Tanya reached over and took his hand, her touch making him feel incredibly happy, enraged and utterly sad, all at the same time.
Is this what being grown-up is, too many feelings all at once?

‘I need to talk, Yuri. You’re the only one here. Please!’

Out of nowhere, he suddenly heard his mother’s voice, calm and sweet as always, ‘Be good now, Yuri. Be good.’ His anger disappeared, leaving him tired and suddenly certain, more certain than he had been in a long, long time. ‘You’re going away!’ he said flatly.

She started to cry, holding one hand over her mouth to stifle the sound, her other hand still gripping his.

For the second time in as many months he wished that time would stand still, that he could remain here in this
basement
, and keep the four of them together. It was such a pity that they needed to eat since it was the only reason left to have to go anywhere. He let this thought slip into words. ‘It would be a lot easier if we didn’t have to go outside again until it’s all over.’

Tanya nodded her head and actually laughed, a little, through her tears, ‘That’s about one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard a person say, but I understand what you mean.’

Emboldened, he added, ‘Why doesn’t Hitler just stay at home and mind his own business?’

Her laugh became a gentle smile. ‘Ah, but he does. It’s the
ordinary men who must do the hard work of invading other countries.’

He took this delicious opportunity to play the innocent student. ‘But why does he want to invade other countries?’ When had he last sat at his school desk, or moaned over his homework? Only now did he realise how lucky he had been back then.

To his relief, she laughed again, just a little. ‘My guess is that he wants to rule them, or ruin them. Something like that. Who really knows why anyone does anything?’ She rubbed away the tears that were just about gone.

The two of them were back, he felt, to the point of them sitting together on their wooden stools, only this time he was ready to hear, and to listen.

She took a breath and paused, before letting the air back out again. He knew not to comment when she took her hand away, leaving his feeling empty and bitterly cold. Tilting her body towards him, she began, ‘I’m leaving Russia.’

He nodded calmly, as if he had already guessed that. What could he say to something that sounded so fantastic and impossible?

She sighed at his cautious response, ‘I know, I know. It sounds so strange to hear myself say that. I don’t think I really believe it yet.’

He smiled to show he knew how she felt – that he didn’t believe it either, until, that is, she spoke again, ‘Volker is
organising it. I can speak German so he’s sending me to his family as soon as he’s finished here.’

Unaware of how that last line might have sounded to him, and to the people of Stalingrad, she continued, her
worried
expression being gradually replaced by a happier one. To his sensitive ears, ‘as soon as Volker is finished here’ meant as soon as the Russians had been beaten. How did she not understand this? Yuri was in a daze. It had been confusing to watch Isabella and Sarah play host to the soldiers earlier, but now this. He struggled to find something to say and at last thought of an obvious question, ‘How – when did you meet a German soldier?’

Tanya’s tone was apologetic and she couldn’t stop herself from checking the look on Yuri’s face as she answered, ‘This is going to sound stupid. A couple of weeks ago, we walked around a corner and gave each other the biggest fright. At the sound of footsteps I thought he was Russian, while he thought I was a fellow soldier. And probably because we
terrified
one another we just burst out laughing.’

‘Well,’ Yuri felt it was only fair to point out, ‘he probably would have shot you in the back had you turned and ran.’

She gasped, ‘No, he wouldn’t have! He would never shoot an unarmed woman.’

‘Oh, right … that’s good,’ Yuri mumbled awkwardly.
Gingerly
, he moved onto an equally important question, ‘But … but he’s the enemy. They hate us. Look what they did to
Stalingrad. How can you just forget all that?’
What about my mother and Anna?

Wrapping her arms around herself, Tanya closed her eyes. ‘The way I see it, an army is made up of individuals. There is always going to be some men who are suited to killing and men who are not but have to follow orders, just like your friends today.’

‘They’re not my friends!’ He said it louder than he’d intended.

She opened her eyes and finished what she was saying, without looking at him, ‘He wants an end to this war as much as you and I do.’

‘So,’ Yuri was thinking aloud, determined to find some way to slow her down, to keep her here for another while, ‘You have only known him for a few weeks. Shouldn’t you wait a bit? You know, to get to know him a bit better?’ He
overheard
his mother say this sort of thing to his Aunt Annecka when she wanted to marry a sailor that none of the family had met. In the end she married him, because, as his mother grumbled, ‘She always does what she wants in the end. I don’t know why I bothered trying to convince her
otherwise
!’