Clipped by Love (Bellevue Bullies #2) (63 page)

“What do you want to hear then?” I ask, confused. “How do I make this right?”

Whipping around, his eyes bore into mine and he shakes his head. “If you don’t know, then forget it, Baylor.”

Confused, I don’t move as he looks away, pulling in a breath through his nose. He looks at me again, and when I just stare back at him, he slowly shakes his head before turning and heading for his car. “Jayden, wait.”

When he gets in his car, slamming the door shut, I watch as he starts it up, tears flooding my eyes and spilling over my cheeks. When he drives off and I watch the taillights of his car, it dawns on me what he wanted.

He wanted me to tell him I loved him.

Dropping my face in my hands, I sob, completely and utterly disgusted in myself. I had the chance. All I had to do was tell him that he was right, that I did love him. But I never did. I just stood there, trying to prove my point instead of being honest about how I felt. I’m such a fucking idiot, but I can make this right.

Getting out my phone, I call him, but he won’t answer. He keeps sending me to voice mail. Opening my text, I write it out very quickly.

Me: I’m so sorry, Jayden. Where are you? I need to say something to you.

Jayden: Nothing else to say, just leave me alone.

That makes the tears fall faster as I type back quickly.

Me: Please, where are you?

But he doesn’t answer me, so I text him again.

Me: Please I’m sorry.

Me: Meet me somewhere.

Me: We need to work this out.

Me: Please. I need you.

Me: I’m sorry.

I should just type it. Tell him I love him, but I don’t think that’s right. I need to do it in person. Tucking my phone in my pocket, I take off, running across the parking lot to the quad and then to the Bullies house. When I get there though, Jayden isn’t there. Neither is Jace. Running back up the stairs, I run into Markus, who grabs ahold of me.

“Are you okay? I just heard!”

“I’m fine, I promise. He didn’t hurt me,” I say quickly, huffing for breath. “Where is Jayden?”

“Your mouth is busted,” he throws back, but I shake my head.

“It’s fine. I promise, Markus. Please tell me where Jayden is.”

“I don’t know,” he says skeptically. “They have that wedding this weekend. I think they went home.”

Oh, shit, that’s right. They are staying in Nashville for the weekend since the wedding is there. Dropping my head, I know there is no way I’ll be able to catch him before the wedding. I have no clue where he is staying. He was gonna get me the hotel information once he got there because he wasn’t sure where they were staying.

“Why, what’s wrong? I thought he was there and took care of it?”

“He did,” I say as the tears start to fall down my cheeks. “But I’m pretty sure he just broke up with me.”

“What? Why? It wasn’t your fault that dick came after you!”

I shake my head though, wiping my face free of the tears. “No, because I didn’t tell him I love him.”

I then explain what happened, and Markus listens like I need him to. When everything is out of me, the words, the tears, Markus looks at me with his caramel eyes and shakes his head.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I look at him, confused, and he says, “With the McCarthy shit?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Jesus! If he would have raped me, completely understand your worry, but he just beat me up a bit. I’m not a normal girl, remember?”

“True,” he agrees. “But yeah, you done fucked up.”

Laughing without the humor, I nod. “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”

“You got to fix it,” he reminds me. “Because he makes you a better person, and you do the same for him.”

“Again, Captain Obvious, I know all this.”

“Then why didn’t you just say it?”

Biting into my lip, I look away, not wanting to admit that was I was too concerned with proving my point and not giving into what I really feel that I didn’t realize that all I had to do was tell him the truth. I love him. With everything inside me.

Looking over at Markus, I shrug. “Because I’m emotionally hindered and I’m too big of a control freak to allow myself to just tell the truth. I am too worried that my dad will be disappointed in me, that he won’t be proud. And I need to stop that. I can’t live for him; I have to live for me. I’m too obsessed with winning, with proving a point, when, really, what’s winning when you don’t have anyone to share it with?”

“It isn’t winning,” he supplies, and I nod.

“Right, and the person I want to share it with, the person who wants to protect me and love me, is Jayden. I fucked up, I’ve been fucking up, and now I need to fix it. Because I can’t lose him.”

Looking at me, he smiles before saying, “See, was that so hard?”

Scoffing, I nod. “You have no idea.”

“If that’s the way you felt, Baylor, then why didn’t you just tell me?”

Whipping around, I find my dad standing in the middle of the stairs. “Dad.”

“And I’m out,” Markus says, looking between us.

“Coward,” I call at him as he runs up the stairs and slams the door at the top.

Dad laughs before lowering himself on the step and looking at me. “Well, today has been eventful.”

“To say the least,” I add.

“Are you okay?”

“Oh my God, please stop asking me that!” I yell, leaning back against the wall. “It’s fine. I’ve forgotten it. McCarthy can’t bring me down.”

“I was talking about Sinclair,” he says softly. “I know you’re okay with the McCarthy thing. I know how you work.”

“Yeah,” I agree. “But no, I’m not okay with the Sinclair thing.”

“Why did you try to lie to me, Bay? You know you can’t lie, right? I see right through you,” he reminds me and I shrug.

“Because I thought you couldn’t handle it.”

“I can handle a lot. Try again.”

Shaking my head, my lips wobble. “I was worried you would try to make me break up with him, and I can’t. So then I would be stuck choosing between you and him, and I can’t do it. I love you both.”

“So you do love him?”

Closing my eyes, tears leak out the sides as I agree. “So much, Dad, so damn much.”

“So apparently, you haven’t told him? Why?” he asks, holding my gaze, and I look away.

“Because I’m scared. When I love someone, they leave me or hurt me.”

“I haven’t left you or hurt you, have I?”

Meeting his gaze, I shake my head. “No, Daddy, but Mom and Seth did.”

He slowly nods his head, his eyes holding mine. “Baby, you got to let that go or you will forever be held back. Don’t let those relationships define you or who you are. You used to be wound so tight, so worried about getting ahead, and I never saw you relax. You came back from Florida, and I saw a little crack in that. Then we came here and you completely changed. You still have your drive, your talent, but you aren’t so tied up inside, you’ve mellowed, and you seem to be enjoying life instead of just living it,” he says, pausing to look at me. “Sinclair, I assume?”

Nodding my head slowly, I look down at the ground as he goes on. “I knew he liked you, Baylor. I just ignored it, figured it was some crush. But when he carried you to the house, his shirt full of puke, I knew it was more than a crush.”

“Yeah, you, and everyone else. I’ve fought it tooth and nail because I’m so scared to give up control and love him. Finally, I do, and I can’t even admit it to him. I tried to wait for the perfect time, when really, I should have done what I do best and scream it at him.”

“Why, though?”

I shrug. “I have no clue. Maybe because I’m scared he’d reject me. But then he already told me he loved me, so yeah, I don’t know, Dad. I just couldn’t do it. He’s honest and he doesn’t hold back, and I’m the total opposite. I hold everything back, and I guess I’m not honest because I lied to you and myself about how I felt,” I say, feeling like a complete failure. “It’s just there are so many variables that could happen—he could go to one team and me another, and then what if he doesn’t want to wait to see me and leaves me. I think it always comes down to the fact that he could leave me and that scares me.”

“But he could also stay.”

“Yeah, you’re right, I just need to believe in him and me, and I do. I have for a while now. But when I say it out loud, it’s real and it means something. If I keep it in, then nothing can hurt me, but, I just… I don’t know. I fucked up because that’s not true. Him walking away from me and not answering my calls or texts is killing me because I know I hurt him. So really, I was wrong all around, and I’m not sure how to fix it. But I know I have to, because I need him in my life.”

“You can fix it, Bay,” he says, and I look up at him.

“So you aren’t gonna freak out at me?” I ask, surprised.

He shakes his head. “No, Sinclair is a good guy. I agree that you need him in your life.”

“I thought no one was good enough for me?”

“No one is, but he wants to be. I can see it in his eyes.”

Those damn eyes, they are the story of his soul. His beautiful, amazing soul.

He adds, “But I am going to say that we really do need to rethink this whole NHL thing because of what happened today.”

But I come off the wall, shaking my head. “No way, Dad. That is in no way, shape, or form gonna hold me back. If anything, it’s going to push me to make it. McCarthy was a dick, and he was out to get me from the beginning.”

“He tried to rape you,” he reminds me, but I shake my head.

“But he didn’t. I fought him off, and I would have gotten away even if Jayden hadn’t walked in. I can take care of myself, and I know it won’t happen again, Dad.”

“You can’t guarantee that.”

“Okay, no, I can’t, but it’s time for me to fight for what I want. And I want to be happy. Jayden and hockey do that.”

“But there are other options,” he stresses, but I shake my head.

“I’m gonna be in the NHL. With Jayden. And we are going to be together. Not a damn thing will stop that.”

“Baylor, you’re doing that stubborn thing again,” he reminds me. “I’m only looking out for you because I love you.”

“I love you, Dad, but I have to do what I want, and I want these things. They can break me, hurt me, or betray me, but at least I tried. At least I did everything I could for the things I love.”

Looking away, he scoffs. “There is no talking you out of anything when you get your mind set on something, no matter what tries to bring you down,” he says as he stands, looking over me. “You’ve always been like that.”

He’s right. I have always been like that. When I want something, I go for it. I fight tooth and nail. The McCarthy thing happened, yeah, and it sucks. But I fought. He wasn’t going to get me. No matter what, I would have found a way out. But the thing is, I let it go. It happened, it sucked, but it doesn’t define me. I know it won’t happen again because I learned from it. Things happen in life for a reason, and do I really feel something like this will happen again? No, because if I did, I would agree with my father to not try to go into the NHL, but I don’t. My future isn’t in black and white, or even there for me to control, but I don’t care anymore.

Because I know that Jayden will be there with me. Ready to fight alongside me. And that’s all I need. Yeah, it’s taken a long time for me to admit it, maybe even realize it, but I know it’s true.

Now I just need to tell him that.