Clockwork Heart: Clockwork Love, Book 1 (16 page)

“I don’t want it.”

He spoke the words with enough conviction to convince himself, and it worked, in that the stern voice reminding him of his father or his sergeant made him sit straighter and dredged up the old feelings of obedience. But it wasn’t until he opened his eyes that it dawned on him when he spoke like that he wasn’t the only one hearing the strident tone.

“Ah. Well.” Conny’s shoulders rounded, and he looked about the bed awkwardly, clearly embarrassed and humiliated. “Forgive me, then, for misunderstanding.”

Johann wanted to soothe Cornelius, but he was so confused and upset all he could do was rise and leave the room, even as he acknowledged this would only serve to widen the breach between the two of them. His mood turned blacker with every step as he stomped around the grounds, which were quiet as the rest of the household took their
riposo
.

How could Cornelius want such things? How could he ask Johann to want them too? Why did he
want
to have sex with Rodrigo? Wasn’t Johann enough? Was this something French Johann couldn’t understand? Or was everyone like this in the world, except in Johann’s simple village? Much as he hated to admit it, a great deal of evidence pointed to that. He’d always been the one to turn down the whores who followed the army. He was always shocked by whatever new twist Conny wanted to introduce into their lovemaking. He tended to enjoy himself quickly enough, but he could never shake the thought that they were doing something forbidden. He worried someone would catch him gazing fondly at his lover in public, though he couldn’t articulate what it was he feared would happen if they were discovered. He didn’t dread the obvious, which was that other men might beat him for his newly discovered predilections. He feared something more abstract, more sinister.

He feared discovering what he’d suspected since he was a child was true: there was something wrong with him as a person, and if that were discovered…well, he’d never been able to work out what would happen then. But it wouldn’t be good, he knew that much.

The more Johann wandered about the villa’s grounds, the more upset he became. Things had been so good, and now they seemed impossible. The root of it lay at Rodrigo’s feet.

What kind of man made that kind of a demand on another? A powerful man, that’s who. Like the officials from Vienna who came to the village and told everyone what they had to do, all to please the emperor.

What was Johann to do to counteract this? He was only a soldier. Only a fool from a tiny village. So simple he couldn’t even begin to understand what Conny wanted. Maybe what he needed.

No one was in the hold when Johann stomped angrily through the
Farthing
, but Molly appeared before he had the barrel of grog cracked open. He tensed, certain she was about to tell him he couldn’t drink the ship’s supplies without permission, but she only studied him a moment, then dug through some crates until she produced a smaller barrel with a spigot.

“You look as if you could use something more than grog, love.” She jerked her head to the far end of the hold. “Come on. We’ll drink the captain’s brandy and you can tell me all your troubles.”

Johann told himself he wouldn’t confess his problems to anyone, but he didn’t have but two mugs of brandy in him before it all came tumbling out. How much he cared for Conny, how he worried he was unworthy of his handsome tinker. He told her about Rodrigo’s mad demand, how he couldn’t understand why Cornelius
wanted
to be passed over, as if it were some kind of a game.

“But it
is
a game, sweetheart.” Molly smiled a crooked little smile and leaned back against the sack of flour she was using as a cushion. “This is one of the pleasures of fucking your own sex. There’s no pretending it’s for procreation or to seal an archaic union to remind the woman she’s property. Sex for us is nothing but fun. Pleasure for pleasure’s sake. What’s wrong with that?”

A great deal was wrong with that, according to the pastor in Johann’s church back in Stallenwald. But then, so was deserting the army—twice. So was consorting with thieves. Lying with men in any manner other than beside them in a soldiers’ tent. “I have done many things those who raised me—and loved me—would say is wrong. But I don’t think that means I can do anything wrong I wish.” He paused, then added, “Does it?”

Molly smiled slowly, seeming almost sad. “I forget how young you are, sometimes, and how young I was once too. If it helps, I’ll share with you the principle I use to guide myself. Because for a time I did exactly what you just suggested. I decided since I was breaking rules, I would break them all. But over time, I realized I had rules of my own. I didn’t like to hurt innocent people if I could help it. I joined this ship because Crawley made it clear he prioritizes legitimate jobs over outright theft. He doesn’t join the pirate gangs, which costs him dearly but affords him his pride. He steals from merchants, but as much as possible he steals from ones who are insured. The secret to a happy life is that we all need a code. Lawlessness doesn’t suit the soul. If the code your family and your people present works for you, then you might as well follow it. But if you find you need something different, it’s all right to make your own.”

Johann considered this as he drank more brandy. “Do you and Olivia have sex with other women?”

“Heavens, yes.” Molly rolled her eyes. “Sweetheart, we aren’t a couple. We fuck each other because it’s very rare for either of us to want to sleep with men, and we’re convenient. Olivia wants
nothing
to do with men, but I’m simply particular.”

“But would you want to be with only one woman, or one man, if you fell in love?”

The question hung in the air. Johann’s cheeks heated, and he focused his gaze on his hands, unwilling to look Molly in the eye. When she touched his knee, he glanced up, uncertain.

Her smile was sweet, not mocking. “Are you saying you love Cornelius?”

Johann wasn’t sure. He felt so much for Cornelius, and he wanted him more than he wanted anything in the world. He would do anything for him. Including, he realized, sleep with other men, if that was what it took to keep Conny happy. He’d given up his country, signed his life into another contract with Crawley, let him do wicked things in bed, spent every waking moment thinking about him and making sure he was well and safe—if that wasn’t love, what was?

“Yes. I think I do.”

“Then it might be best to tell him. To explain this is the reason why you don’t want him with another man.”

Johann wasn’t entirely certain he
couldn’t
stand for Conny to be with another man. He could not consent to Rodrigo, not as a barter. Even though Conny said it was a game, Johann didn’t think so. But perhaps…perhaps he could explore with another man. Even Valentin would be preferable. Or Crawley, though Johann wasn’t sure he could contain his jealousy.

“I don’t know if I don’t want him with another man. He said he likes this. I don’t want to keep Conny from something he likes.”

“That’s a fair point. But this is a relationship, sweet boy. Giving and taking. Compromising. The trick is learning what you can compromise on, and what you can’t, and the same goes for him.”

“But what if those things contradict one another? What if he insists on being with other men, and I know I cannot compromise on this?”

“Then you must likely allow the relationship won’t work. Which is sad, yes. But wouldn’t it be better to learn this now, rather than later?”

Johann didn’t know his answer to that question. As if she could sense he needed time to dwell on this subject in private, they didn’t speak any more of Cornelius or love. They spoke of the ship, of how eager Molly was to see it fly with all the improvements Conny had made. Of Crawley’s longing to sail to Portugal and make trade with the wealthy nation that managed to defy French takeover with help from its colonies in the Americas. Of traveling to Morocco and Tunisia, and Egypt. Johann listened to her speak with so much passion, and he relaxed.

When he left her, he took a long walk across the grounds and down a long lane lined with tall, oddly shaped trees. As he finally made his way back to the house, everyone was in bed, including Conny, though he wasn’t asleep. A bottle of absinthe and two glasses told him his lover had been drinking, likely with Val. Indeed, when Conny turned to greet Johann as he arrived, his eyes were bloodshot, his body movements erratic and clumsy.

“Oh—you’ve come home. I didn’t know if you would.”

Conny was worried—very much so, it was clear—and Johann found this comforting. “Yes, I’m home.” He removed his shoes and began to undo his shirt.

It pleased him to see how closely Conny watched him undress, how his gaze focused and narrowed, even under the power of so much drink. “Are you still angry with me?”

Here Johann paused with his necktie in his hand. “I was never angry with you. I’m sorry if that’s what you thought.”

Conny’s body posture didn’t ease much. “But you
were
angry.”

Johann considered this. “Mostly I was confused and uncertain, because what you suggested shocked and upset me, and I needed to be alone to work out why.”

Now Conny wilted. “I’m so sorry, darling. Please forget everything I said.”

This also made Johann feel good, to discover Conny felt the same way as he did, that he was more concerned with keeping Johann happy than insisting they add partners to their bed. But he wasn’t certain he wanted to extract that promise from his lover, or that his lover could honestly agree to this without longing for it later. He sat on the edge of the mattress and motioned for Conny to sit beside him. Conny sat on his left side, so he took his lover’s right hand with his clockwork left.

“I’m not upset with what you said, not any longer. I’m not shocked at
you
, only the ideas you suggest. You must remember I come from a small, quiet village. You saw my home, the people I grew up with. I didn’t see much during my time in the Austrian Army but boggy marches through trees and over mountains and sometimes the bleak hulls of ocean ships or dirigibles. It’s true I became more worldly as I joined Crawley’s crew, but not much. I’m not a bold man. Not like you.”

Conny leaned into him. “But I
like
that about you, Johann.”

“This is the cost of that temperament, then. The things you say sometimes, the things you ask me to do—they are so foreign to me, like another language I must learn. It’s not that I don’t want to. But sometimes I need time to comprehend it.” He squeezed Conny’s hand and spit out the rest. “I might enjoy playing with you and another man. But not Rodrigo. Not for a trade like that. It makes me uneasy, and…well, it makes me jealous. He’s a rich, powerful man. I’m nothing like that, and I couldn’t fight him if he decided to take you away from me for good.”

Conny drew the clockwork fingers to his lips and kissed them passionately. “Darling, he could never take me from you. But I won’t go to him at all, if he makes you jealous, and I’ll find another way to get a cannon.” He smiled as he said that, lifting his other hand to gently stroke Johann’s cheek below his clockwork eye. “It pleases me that you feel jealous. In fact, I’d like nothing more for you to tell me forcefully how jealous Rodrigo’s offer makes you.” His gaze darkened, and his tongue stole out to wet his bottom lip as his thumb brushed along the scruff of Johann’s chin. “Show me my place, darling. Show me your jealousy. Punish me with your body for even considering thinking of it.”

It was clear this idea excited Conny, and as Johann watched his lover in an absinthe haze, he began to understand. This was playing. Conny didn’t want Johann to be truly upset. Only to pretend. He still wasn’t certain he knew how to join this game, however. “How do you want me to do this?”

“Be forceful.” Conny stroked Johann’s cheeks, his nose, the slope of his neck into his open collar. “Show me what you think of the idea. Because I could go to him now, darling. I could send a servant to tell him to meet me in the baths. He’d come. He wants to fuck me, and I think perhaps I want him to. That big man, pushing me to my knees? Making me taste his cock? Mmm. Perhaps I’ll go right now.”

For the briefest moment, the words hurt Johann—but then he noticed Conny
didn’t
rise and call a servant. He wasn’t looking at the door and licking his lips for Rodrigo. He was staring at Johann with naked lust and teasing the pelt of Johann’s chest with drunken fingers.

You can play too,
Johann encouraged himself.
You can trust he wants you and not the Italian.
He gripped Conny’s shoulders hard, but not too hard. “You will go nowhere. Especially not to him. You will not go on your knees for him.”

Conny pouted coquettishly, and the sight made Johann’s whole body ache with want. “But I want to go on my knees. I want a big cock in my mouth.”

Johann pushed Conny to the floor and dragged him between his knees. “Here is a cock for you.” The words felt bold and made him blush, but the way Conny yielded encouraged him. “Take it out.”

Conny fumbled with the fastenings of Johann’s trousers, looking up at Johann with a wicked gaze. “I can’t stop thinking of him, I’m afraid. Of what it would be like. I want someone to fuck my mouth so hard, darling. So hard I can’t breathe. I want a man to pull my hair and call me dirty names. Rodrigo would do this, if I asked him.”

For the briefest second, Johann thought he might want this too. Even Rodrigo, though the idea made him ache with jealousy. But his mind was still relaxed by the brandy, and it let him acknowledge that might be very pretty to see. Perhaps while he fucked Conny from behind…

He shook the image from his head and grabbed Conny’s hair, determined to drive the thought away from them both. “If you want your mouth fucked, I will fuck it. I will pound your throat with my cock until you are too weak and sore to consider any other man.”

The words felt so shocking, so terrible—but Conny didn’t seem to think so. Mewling, he finished freeing Johann’s cock, then took the tip inside. He looked up at Johann as he slid down the length, until Johann could
feel
the back of Conny’s throat. Conny’s lips strained, his throat convulsed lightly, and his eyes watered. His gaze was fixed on Johann, begging him to follow through with his promise.