Close to You (25 page)

Sure, she wasn't quite there yet, but she almost was. But the plan did not include
this
—him showing up here. Or the court finding in his favor.

Looking at him stirred dormant emotions, and memories came rushing back. Memories she had been trying to forget. Of how he'd been the first guy to make her feel like she was really seen, known,
loved
. How he'd proposed by creating a literary treasure hunt, leaving clues in books that she was using to write her thesis. Of finding love notes in the middle of piles of marking. Of how good things had been in her naïve ignorant world before it all came crashing down.

They swirled around inside her, crashing up against what she'd been feeling just a few minutes previous for another man. The guy she had imagined for all of thirty seconds she might have a future with, until the past came slithering through the door and wrapped itself around her neck.

Twenty-Seven

M
ARRIED.
S
HE WAS MARRIED.
J
ACKSON'S
head spun as his feet hobbled down the path back toward the hotel.

One crutch caught in a crack in the pavement, almost throwing him onto his face. Of all the times to not be able to make a quick getaway.

For a few seconds everything had been perfect. The freedom of finally opening himself up, taking a chance. The look on her face said he wasn't alone—only for it to all lie ruined around his feet, mocking him with the futility of it all.

His face burned. He had sworn he would never be that guy—the kind that got involved with a married woman. Some things were sacred.

With his ankle screaming, he sank onto a bench overlooking the picturesque lake, buried his head in his hands, and gulped in mouthfuls of cool air. How could he have been so stupid? He had cast all reason, logic, aside—beguiled by her openness and seeming honesty.

Clearly, from the way her face collapsed and the tension between the two of them, there was more to the story than he was privy to, but married? She couldn't have found a way to drop that into conversation? When he'd told her about Nicole would have been a good start. A simple “Ironic that I'm married and in a big court fight with my husband.”

He sucked in a shuddering breath. It was okay. He was used to betrayal. It wasn't even like this was a big one in the scheme of things. He'd known her less than three weeks. It wasn't a big deal. In a couple of days he'd be back on a plane to America, leaving her and her drama behind.

It just proved his gut instinct to keep his distance from her had been right all along. In fact, everything would be fine right now if he hadn't walked into that coffee shop and been struck by thirty seconds of temporary insanity. What had even possessed him to do that?

It wasn't like it was ever going to work. They were from two completely different places, living completely different lives. What kind of idiots thought they had fallen in love after less than a month anyway? People on reality shows was who. And look how that usually worked out.

Yes, he'd been attracted to her. Yes, he'd liked her a lot. But it wasn't the end of the world. If anything, it was further proof of what he'd known when he walked off the plane into this stupid country: the only person he could trust was himself.

In the whirlwind of all this insanity, he'd allowed himself to forget that for a few days. At least he'd found out the truth before he was really invested.

His head kept saying all the right platitudes, but his heart was thundering like it wasn't getting enough blood.

There were only two days left on the tour. All he had to do was keep his distance. It would take a miracle, but he was desperate enough to ask for one.

God, help.

They were the only two words he managed to offer up before he felt Allie settle beside him, her distinctive perfume wafting on the morning breeze. He shifted away—as far as he could get without falling off the bench.

“Will you at least let me explain?” Her words were soft, so quiet he barely caught them, even though she was only inches away.

He looked up into her pained profile that stared straight across the mountain vista. She had also positioned herself between him and his crutches, so it wasn't like he could get up and walk away.

He shrugged his shoulders. “It's not like I can stop you.”

* * *

I
t was the flat disinterest in his tone that cut deeper than anything else. If he'd at least been angry, she would have known it mattered, but it was like he'd closed down every human emotion and was about as human as Michelangelo's David.

Curling her fingers around the cool seat of the stone bench, she tried to think. Where to start? What to say?

Obviously anything between them had been shattered, but Jackson at least deserved to know the truth: that she hadn't been playing with him, that what was between them was . . . well, as real as it could have been.

She closed her eyes for a second, gathering her composure to tell the story she hadn't told anyone outside of her lawyer. And that was only because she had to. She kept hoping that if she
didn't think or talk about it, she could escape the stranglehold of humiliation that engulfed her.

“I met Derek in my final term at Cambridge. At a petrol station of all places.” In the middle of writing almost 24/7 to finish up her thesis, it was one of the few places she'd ever gone. He was using the fuel pump on the other side of hers.

It had been the definition of a whirlwind romance, given a helping shove by her own insecurities. She was boring, academic Allison. She never had guys falling over themselves finding her attractive or interesting. So when, suddenly, dashing Derek appeared on the scene, she'd fallen as easily for his charms and perfect salesman pitch as Pooh Bear for honey.

“We got engaged fast. Faster than a lot of people thought was wise. But I was in love. Or thought I was.” Before she'd known it, there had been a rock on her finger. Turned out it was fake, which her sister would have picked up on in a split second flat. But no—naïve, gullible Allison had fallen for that as well. Along with the fiction of how it had been his mother's, who with her dying breath had made him swear he would save it for his one true love.

She couldn't believe she'd fallen for it all. His whole story had basically mashed together the tragic components of twenty romance novels. It made her sick just thinking about it.

Not for one second had it ever crossed her mind that he knew exactly who she was. That she was the target of Derek's perfectly executed campaign to both get out of the UK and set himself up for life. That her so-called soul mate had a gambling problem and was neck-deep in debt with the kind of guys who didn't send letters requesting payment for debts, but rather broke legs.

She'd returned home with the PhD, a fiancé, and a great lecturing job lined up at the University of Auckland. She refused to listen to her parents and their reservations about a short engagement, or to her own conscience giving her grief about marrying a man who didn't share her faith. She'd just plowed on ahead with destroying her life.

“My family has money; it turns out he knew that. He knew before we'd even met who I was. I was just a pawn in his plans to set himself up for life and get a New Zealand visa.” Derek denied it—or, more accurately, his lawyers did, but they weren't the ones left paying off the thousands of dollars he'd put on her credit card without her knowledge or trying to explain the tens of thousands that had just disappeared out of her accounts.

“Three months after we were married, I was giving a lecture. A woman showed up, Julia. Claimed she was Derek's wife. She said they'd gotten married in Vegas a few years before.” She chanced a look sideways. Jackson sat, face set like a mask, no indication he'd heard a single thing she'd said save for a slight twitch in his jaw.

“I've spent the last two years in court fighting for an annulment. Derek told me they've ruled and I've lost. I'm so sorry. I have no excuse. I should have told you when things . . .” She trailed off. She had no idea how to finish the sentence. So she stopped talking and waited for him to say something, anything.

Silence for a few seconds, then Jackson shifted on the seat. “Okay, I let you explain. Now may I have my crutches please?”

Lifting them up, she handed them to him. He used them to push himself up to his feet then put them under his shoulders.

He looked down at her, face written with so much hurt it
could fill a novel. “I trusted you. After everything, I trusted
you
. You knew about Nicole, all of it. And you still didn't tell me.”

“I'm so sorry.” She could say those words for eternity and it wouldn't be enough. And they both knew it.

He leaned heavily on his crutches, weighed down by her deception. “It's a bit late for sorry. I just can't do this. Whatever it is. Whatever you're asking of me.”

His words cut through her like lava through a mountainside, stripping her of her ability to speak. All she could do was nod.

Twenty-Eight

A
LLIE LOOKED AT THE PAPERS
spread across the table. They'd been waiting for her when she walked back into the hotel. It was true: Derek was telling the truth. She was married. To him.

She'd spent the whole afternoon staring at the thin pile. Reading and rereading the ruling. Praying the words would somehow miraculously change to
We find in favor of the plaintiff.
But no—they remained what they'd been the first time she'd read them.
In favor of the defendant.

She'd even put in a call to the lawyers just to make certain it wasn't a terrible mistake, only to find out the partner whose name was at the bottom of the page had keeled over from a heart attack that very same day and the office was closed for his funeral!

She looked at the date for the thousandth time. The court's decision had come out the day she'd last rung the lawyers, the morning after Pizza-gate. If she'd called a few hours later, it would've been waiting for her.

The irony of her life knew no bounds.

“I don't understand.” Kat sat next to her, reading through the papers. “How can they find in his favor?”

“A technicality. Something about the papers not being filed correctly in Vegas.”

“And that took two years for them to work out?”

“And thousands of dollars.”

“What are you going to do?”

Allie pressed her hands against her temples. “What can I do?”

Kat studied her face. “You aren't seriously thinking about going back to him.”

“I said vows, Kat. In front of two hundred people. In front of
God
. I meant them. If the court has decided I'm married to him, I have to at least give it a try. Maybe he's changed.” Even to her own ears, the last sentence sounded like she was trying to convince herself. So it was no surprise when Kat snorted.

“You never liked him.”

Her friend ran her fingers through her hair. “I never thought he was good enough for you, Allie, that's true. He was too smooth, too polished. What about Jackson?”

Just the sound of his name made her want to curl in on herself. “Jackson wants nothing to do with me. Not that I blame him.”

“Yeah, well, bit of a shock to find out the girl you've fallen in love with is already married, I'd imagine.”

“He's not in love with me.” She couldn't let herself go there. It was bad enough trying to deal with knowing he'd had feelings for her.
Had
being the key word.

“If it makes it easier for you to believe that, go for it, but the guy looks at you like you hung the stars in the sky.”

She couldn't even think about that. Thank goodness nothing had happened between them. Well, nothing physical. The way her heart felt like it was being pummeled and repeatedly rolled through a pasta machine made it clear the same couldn't be said in other ways.

She rolled her fingertips over her temples, trying to work away the building headache. “For better or worse, for richer or poorer—that's what I vowed. I have to at least try to believe we've gone through the worst.”

Her phone vibrated on the table. What now? An international number flashed on her screen. Her stomach contorted. In all the madness of the last couple of days, she'd totally forgotten she put in a call to Dr. Everett with a couple of questions about the job opportunity—not that his answers mattered anymore. She couldn't leave New Zealand before sorting out this marriage mess, one way or the other. And that was going to take a whole lot longer than Dr. Everett had.

She couldn't believe it. After spending the last year applying for every vacancy in academia for which she was vaguely qualified and getting nowhere, she was giving up a chance at her dream job.

Picking up the phone, she took a breath and answered the call. “Allie speaking.”

“Dr. Shire, Dr. Everett here. I have the answers to your questions about the position.” The British accent was as clear as if it had been coming from across the room, rather than the other side of the world.

Might as well confront this head-on. Get it over and done with before she could overthink it. “Dr. Everett. Thank you for returning my call. I'm so sorry but I've just had a family situa
tion unexpectedly come up. I'm not sure how long I'm going to be tied up with it and I would hate to waste your time. So unfortunately, I don't think it's going to work to apply for the position. Thank you for thinking of me, though. I really appreciate it.”

Kat had stopped reading the papers and was staring at her.

“I'm disappointed to hear that, Dr. Shire. Would you like me to keep your CV on file if anything arises in the future?”

Her throat closed for a second. First Jackson and now this? She was sacrificing so much for a marriage she didn't even want to a man she didn't even love. “Yes. Please. Thank you, sir.”

“You're welcome.” He cleared his throat. “I hope your family situation resolves itself.”

Not half as much as she did. “Thank you.”

Ending the call, she leaned back and closed her eyes.

“What was that about?”

The only person she'd told about the job was Jackson, foolishly hoping he would be the one giving her a reason not to take it. “A possible lecturing job at Oxford.”

“And you turned it down.”

“You can't turn down what you haven't been offered. I was just asked if I was interested in applying. I probably wouldn't have gotten it anyway.” Better to assume that and not even allow herself to think about what might have been.

Kat muttered something under her breath.

Allie opened her eyes and looked at her friend. “What was that?”

“If Derek hasn't changed, I'm going to kill him.”

Allie tossed her phone back onto the table. “You won't have the chance, because if Derek hasn't changed,
I'm
going to kill him.”

Kat tapped the papers with her nails. “I still can't believe it.”

“Can you manage the last couple of days?” She'd already told Derek to book her a ticket on the last flight to Auckland. At least that way if she couldn't make it, it would cost him something for once.

“You mean you're going to go tonight?”

“I can't stay here. I'll tell the head office there's been a family emergency.” She couldn't face Jackson and see the hurt and betrayal flashing across his face. Didn't trust herself with what she might say—or do—if she saw him again. It was better that she just leave.

She'd have to go without saying good-bye to everyone on the tour—that would be tough. She'd never had to abandon a tour before. She felt like a mother hen abandoning her chicks.

“Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

“It's what I have to do.” What she
wanted
to do was find Jackson and tell him she'd fallen for him. Ask him to forgive her. Beg him to give what they had a chance. Serve Derek with divorce papers, offer him whatever he wanted to not fight it.

“Why? Why is this what you have to do? You don't owe him anything. Not another chance. Not a single solitary thing.”

“Shires don't get divorced, okay?” The words burst out of her and hit the room. “My parents have the most miserable marriage known to man built on that one principle. So I have to try. I know my family isn't exactly the Brady Bunch, but they're all I have. I can't face them if I don't give my marriage a chance.”

Kat curled both hands around her shoulders. “Is that what this is about? Not besmirching the family name?”

“She doesn't try, Kat. My mother has never tried. My whole
life I have never seen her make any effort to make it work with my dad. I have to be better than that. The court says I'm married to Derek, so I'm going to be different and at least give it my best, even if it makes no sense to anyone. Even if it's the last thing I want to do. I need to try—for me, even if it all ends badly, so I can look myself in the mirror and know I gave it a shot. So I can at least try and clean my slate with God and make this right somehow.”

Kat bit her lip. “Allie, God doesn't want your clean slate. He just wants you.”

No one had ever wanted just her. Allie bit her bottom lip. She had nothing left to say. No other words to explain the compulsion to open the door of her life, her heart, back to Derek.

Allie could see the fight go out of Kat's eyes. “Okay. I'll be praying for you.”

There was a knock on the door. “That'll be him.” Her husband. She couldn't even think the words without feeling like she was going to suffocate.
God, help me.

Kat stood. “I'm going to go to my room—otherwise I might slug him.”

“I'll come say good-bye. I'm almost packed.” She'd call Susannah from the airport. She hoped they didn't already have a houseguest residing in the spare room.

Another thing to add to her to-do list: contact the property manager and find out who was living in her house and when their lease was up. Allie and her sister hadn't shared a roof for more than a few nights in over a decade; it was probably best if they kept it that way.

If there wasn't any room at her sister's, she'd book herself into something nice and fancy until she knew what the situa
tion was with her house. Maybe the Hilton. Now that the court ruling was out, the freeze on her assets would be lifted, so she might as well spend some of it before Derek did.

Stop it
. If this thing was going to have a chance, she couldn't think like that.

“You don't have to do this.” Kat broke her chain of thought by putting a hand on her friend's shoulder, as if knowing a hug would break her.

Allie pinched the bridge of her nose. No tears—especially not in front of Derek. “Except I do.”