Coco Pinchard's Big Fat Tipsy Wedding: A Funny Feel-Good Romantic Comedy (2 page)

PPS Miss you.

Monday 15th November
 
23.36

TO: [email protected]

Hi Marika -
 

Adam surprised me after work with a takeaway box of the most beautiful handmade Sushi. I went upstairs for a shower and when I returned, he had lit candles, laid it all out on the table, and he presented me with a bunch of pink roses and a glass of chilled Champagne.

‘Here’s to my amazing girlfriend finishing her wonderful new novel, I am so proud of you and I love you,’ he said clinking glasses.

‘I love you too,’ I said. As we drank he winked at me, and I pretty much melted there and then. It was our first night alone in the house now Rosencrantz has moved out and as we ate, he asked if he could start moving his things over at the weekend.

‘We’re really going to do it, and live together?’ I said.

‘Yep, we’re shacking up! Do you want to keep your bed, or I should I bring mine?’
 

‘Let’s have yours,’ I said. ‘It’s the cosiest bed in the world.’

‘My bed it is then,’ he grinned, topping up our glasses. Throughout the meal, there was the thrill and anticipation of drunken Champagne sex — and he didn’t disappoint. We did it on the kitchen island! It was a bit cold on the smooth granite and apart from accidentally getting a bit of hot Wasabi in a delicate area, it was incredible. It’s just what happened afterwards…
 

Adam got up to pour us both another glass of Champagne. He pulled on his boxers, and just as I was just admiring his tight abs, he farted. It wasn't accidental, he sort of leant to one side, let rip, then carried on topping up our glasses.

‘Whoops,’ he grinned placing my glass beside me on the kitchen island. I lay there with my mouth open.

‘You've never done that before!’ I said sitting up and retrieving my knickers, which had been flung across the room and landed on the juicer.

‘Course I have. We all do it.’

‘You've never done it in front of me before,’ I said. I think I was mortified that that stage in our relationship had suddenly announced itself.
 

‘You don’t want me to have gut ache, do you?’

‘No, but we just had the most amazing sex and…’

‘And what?’

‘Well it was like, movie sex…’

‘What? Porn?’
 

‘Not porn! It was romantic…’

 
‘Coco, I’m supposed to be moving in. What? We’re not going to fart in front of each other?’

‘No! I still want the romance to last a bit longer,’ I said.

‘So I'm supposed to hide in the bathroom and run the water, like you do at my place?’

‘I do not do that.’

‘You do,’ he grinned. I went red, and fumbled my way into my bra.

‘It's okay Coco… I tell you what, let’s get it over with.’

‘Get what over with?’ I said.

‘Go on, let rip.’

‘What? No!’

‘You must need to after all the rice and booze…’
 

‘It’s Champagne, not
booze,’
I said opening the dishwasher and loading in the plates. Adam was laughing.

‘Come on Coco. I love you, you love me, it’s perfectly normal. You and Daniel were married for years. What did you do then?’

‘Let’s talk about something else,’ I snapped, aware I was maybe being a bit unreasonable. ‘I’m going to put some washing on.’
 

‘Do me a favour and put these through on a hot cycle,’ he said grabbing his bag and chucking his smelly gym gear at my feet. I stomped off to the washing machine. As I watched the water fill up through the glass, I felt embarrassment and fear. I wanted to still be thrilled and aroused by Adam. He’s been like a fantasy come true. So gorgeous, and funny, the sex is the best I’ve ever had. I know I’m being silly, but is this the beginning of a slippery slope to drudgery? I was married to Daniel for twenty years and at the end, we were just flatulent and irritable with one another. I don’t want that to happen to Adam and me.

Tuesday 16th November
 
10.43

TO: [email protected]

Is it a busy day at work? I keep ringing but your phone is going to voicemail. I just spoke to Rosencrantz, he is settling in to his new place. The other two guys he is sharing with are actors who were at Drama school with him. I asked if I could pop round later and be introduced,

‘Just give me a few days to settle in, then we’ll have you and Adam over for a dinner party,’ he said. Dinner party! He sounded so grown up.

I’m sorry about last night, if I over-reacted about you farting. I was being an idiot. If it happens, it happens. Real life is all about the good and the bad, and I want a real life with you, forever. I cannot wait for you to move in.
 

This leads on to my new project. I can help you with moving in here.
 

I have already added your name to my WI-FI network. It's now called COCO&ADAM, so when we switch on the computer it says; ‘COCO&ADAM connecting’ how sweet is that?
 

I am also going to make a start on some other stuff, changing your addresses so all your bills come here.

Call me when you get this.

Love Coco xxx

Tuesday 16th November
 
10.52

TO: [email protected]

Or I can make the WI-FI read; ‘ADAM&COCO connecting’ it’s not a problem.

Tuesday 16th November
 
11.12

TO: [email protected]

Morning Clive

Could you please change Adam Rickard’s regular delivery of
Top Gear Magazine
and
Men’s Health
to my address. We are moving in together.
 

Kind regards

Coco Pinchard

Tuesday 16th November
 
11.34

TO: [email protected]

Dear Primrose Hill Vegetable Boxes-

I currently have a large fresh vegetable box delivered each week. My partner, Adam Rickard has your seasonal root vegetable box. Would it be possible to merge his root vegetable into my large box?

My address is;

3 Steeplejack Mews

Marylebone

London

NW1 4RF
 

With thanks

Coco Pinchard

Tuesday 16th November
 
14.43

TO: [email protected]

I was clearing out one side of the wardrobe for Adam when the doorbell went. I peered through the peephole to see Angie stood outside smoking a cigarette with the wind whipping her dark hair about.

‘What you doing girl?’ she said when I opened the door. She was dressed in her usual Chanel power suit, her shoulder pads dangerously close to her ears. She ground out her cigarette end with a tiny pointed Jimmy Choo, and eased a fresh one into the corner of her mouth.
 

‘I’m just making some space in the wardrobe for Adam. He’s moving in.’
 

‘You’re gonna make him live in the wardrobe? Poor bastard,’ she said.

‘No, he’s moving into the house,’ I grinned. She rolled her eyes and came in.

‘I need to talk to you,’ she said. ‘I just had a meeting at the Groucho Club, so I thought I’d swing by on my way back to the office.’ We went through to the kitchen and she perched at the breakfast bar as I filled the kettle.

‘That’s a big detour,’ I said. ‘Is everything okay with the manuscript for
Agent Fergie
?’

‘Yes, the book’s fine, they’ve just commissioned a cover designer. I’m here to tell you that you’ve won a Literary Award!’ she grinned and exhaled smoke through her teeth.

‘Oh my god! The Costa Book Award?’

‘No.’

‘The Orange Prize for Fiction?’

‘Nope.’

‘The Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award?’

‘No…’

‘The Edgar Allen Poe Award!’

‘That’s for mystery writers you twerp…’

‘Then what?’

‘The Doris Finkelstein Literary Recognition…’
 

‘The what?’

‘It’s an American award. It’s a big deal in the States, loads of famous authors have previously won it,’ said Angie.

‘Is there a cash prize?’

‘Well, that’s the thing. There’s no cash prize per se. It’s so prestigious that the ‘prize’ is attending a ceremony to sign your name on the wall of the Doris Finkelstein Library.’

‘Oh…’
 

‘In New York I hasten to add! Which means they want to fly you and a plus one over for an all expenses paid weekend.’

‘A free trip to New York!’ I screamed excitedly. ‘When?’

‘You fly out Thursday for the ceremony on Friday.’
 

‘That’s quick?’

‘Well, these things are always last minute.’

‘I can’t wait to tell Adam, we’ve both been so busy with work we haven’t had a holiday in ages…’

Angie looked up from scrolling through her iPhone.

‘Won’t he be working? It’s a Thursday.’

‘I’m sure they’ll let him take time off,’ I said. ‘He’s the boss of his department.’

‘Oh,’ she said, lighting another cigarette. There was an awkward pause.

‘Did you want to come with me?’ I said.

Angie quickly recovered her composure; she flipped the cover over on her iPhone and gathered her things together.

‘Angie plus one means spouse, doesn’t it?’

‘Course it does,’ she said. ‘No, I’m far too busy. The bloody builders need to be supervised and, it’s fine. If you can email me your passport numbers. I’ll have my assistant arrange it all.’

‘Do you still want coffee?’
 

‘No, I better go. I’m late for a meeting.’
 

She stubbed out her cigarette and clicked off in her little designer shoes with a slam of the front door.
 

It’s funny how people in your life surprise you. Saying that, Adam still hasn’t called back, which is unusual for him.
 

C x

Tuesday 16th November
 
23.12

TO: [email protected]

Adam didn’t answer his work phone for the rest of the day, or his mobile. At 8pm, I pulled on my coat and walked round to his flat. I rang the bell several times before he answered. He looked exhausted, and was still wearing his work clothes, which smelt of stale sweat. When I followed him through to the living room, an Enya CD was blaring out. I noticed he had a bottle of whisky open.

‘Since when do you like Enya and Johnny Walker?’ I shouted sitting opposite him.

‘Since I need to relax,’ he shouted back.

‘Well, can you turn
Sail Away
off?’ I yelled reaching for the remote. I flicked it off and the silence descended.

‘It’s called
Orinoco Flow
, actually,’ he snapped. I noticed sweat was beading on his forehead, even though the flat was chilly.

‘Are you alright?’ I said.

‘Yes, yes… Just work stuff.’

‘Are you sure? You seem shaken up.’

‘I’m fine. Tell me about your day,’ he said.

‘Well, if you’d read any of my messages, you’d know all about it.’

‘Um… I was busy.’ I told him all about the meeting with Angie and the award. He seemed to relax a little, until I said we had been invited to go to New York on Thursday.

‘I can’t go,’ he said instantly.

‘Why not?’

‘I’d love to, but I can’t. I can’t take time off work.’

‘You took last Friday off to come to the garden centre with me,’ I said.

‘Exactly.’

‘What do you mean exactly? You’re the boss of the department you can take a day and half off,’ there was a pause.

‘No, I can’t, I really can’t,’ he said. I got up, sat beside him, and began to massage his shoulders.

 
‘It’s a free weekend in New York. First class flights, five star hotel, big double bed… Stop being silly and get your passport.’

‘Why do you want my passport?’ he said shaking me off.

‘How else can Angie book the flights? She needs the passport numbers.’

‘Look Coco… Why don’t you go home and I’ll take a shower and come over in an hour or so.’

‘Are you sure everything is okay?’ I said.

‘It’s just work… they’ve announced redundancies today.’
 

‘Oh my god. Are you?’

‘No! Not me, but I have to make people redundant this week, people with mortgages, families. It’s got me in a state. Look go home and I’ll be over in a bit.’

I agreed and came home, troubled.
 

A couple of hours later I was dozing off in front of the television when a hand felt its way under my t-shirt. I almost had kittens.

‘Hel-lo,’ whispered Adam drunkenly in my ear. He was crouched beside the sofa stark naked, and fumbling with a condom wrapper.
 

‘What are you doing?’ I gulped, trying to get my breath back.

‘Ravishing you,’ he grinned leaning in for a kiss. He’d showered but his breath still smelt of booze.

 
‘I thought you were a murderer!’

‘How about
a rapist
!’ he joked, hooking his thumb under my pyjama trousers.

‘Not funny!’ I said pushing him away.

‘Jeez Coco. I'm trying to lighten the mood.’

‘Scaring the hell out of me, then cracking a rape joke?’ I said. He was still fumbling with the condom wrapper. ‘Adam. Do I look like I'm in the mood?’
 

‘Coco I'm being myself,’ he slurred.

‘No. You’re being weird.’

‘I am a bit weird,’ he said earnestly. ‘I am… Do you love me?’ His beautiful caramel eyes searched my face, he looked so, vulnerable.

‘Of course I love you,’ I said. I pulled a rug over us and he snuggled up with his head on my shoulder, and closed his eyes.

‘I just need to know you love me for who I am,’ he said.

‘I love you more than you know,’ I said. ‘I think this trip to New York could be the perfect antidote to horrible work stuff.’

‘Jeez Coco,’ he said jumping up and pulling on a pair of trackies.

‘What now?’ I said. ‘You're sending mixed messages!’
 

‘Am I?’ he said pulling on a t-shirt. ‘Well, here's a message. I'm going home.’ He stalked off through the kitchen and out of the back door, locking it behind him. I listened for a long time to the silence, the creaks of the house. He didn't come back.