Coconuts and Wonderbras (28 page)

    ‘Do us all a favour dear and eat something that isn’t safe,’ responds mother.

Issy laughs. I give both her and mother a black look and throw back another glass of sherry, which tastes more like port, but never mind.

    ‘A media blackout, what the hell for?’ snaps Penelope walking around the table and brushing Toby’s shoulder as she passes. I am stunned.

    ‘Eat the rice honey, that’s what I do.’

Christ almighty. I feel decidedly sick and look to Issy who fakes vomiting into her handbag.

    ‘The blackout is to protect Ace, Penelope. That is what the hell for,’ answers Jonathan pouring wine into a glass.

    ‘
Alex
you mean. No one calls him Ace any more,’ she says almost contemptuously.

    ‘I do,’ he snaps.

I want to snap that I do too, but it seems a bit childish to do so. Toby accepts a glass of cola and scoffs.

    ‘I said
no ice
,’ he snaps. ‘Christ the bloody water here is lethal, why do they put bloody ice in the glasses. I swear I’ll go home with some God-forsaken disease.’

He hands it back to the waiter. Jamie and Philippe wave as they arrive at the doorway. Toby jumps from his seat and moves to the empty one next to me. I blush.

    ‘Hello, sexy,’ he whispers.

Is this what happens when you lose a few pounds?

    ‘Do you want a sherry?’ I say leaning across the table to the tray.

    ‘Good God, no,’ he says and pinches my bum. I squeal and mother snaps her head round to look at us. I pull a face and sit back down. My eyes travel to Penelope and my heart sinks when I realise I am not a patch on her. I look at her wistfully. Obviously, this is not a good thing, but I just can’t help myself. Her petite little breasts almost stand to attention and that dress fits her perfectly. I bet she has no wobbly bits to worry about.

Jamie holds up a hand and asks us all to be quiet.

    ‘I’ve asked you to dinner because I think we should all be updated on what’s going on. Jonathan, can I hand over to you?’

Issy looks at Jonathan and goes all glassy eyed. He stands up to address us.

    ‘Thanks Jamie. Okay, we have ourselves quite a situation and from this point on I would request that no one speaks to the press. We need to protect Bryant…’

    ‘That is every reason why we should speak to the press,’ interrupts Penelope flicking back her hair and stroking her neck with her long pink fingernails.

    ‘We have to agree to differ on this one and I would very much appreciate it if you would not speak with them.’

    ‘Why the hell we are protecting that bloody bully is beyond me,’ snaps Toby. ‘Because a bully is what he is and you’re all treating him like some hero.’

    ‘Oh Toby,’ purrs Penelope. ‘Don’t go upsetting yourself.’

What the hell? We all look wide-eyed at her. For a brief moment she looks slightly uncomfortable.

    ‘Toby has been through a lot, haven’t you Toby? He is only trying to help,’ she says defensively and Toby nods emphatically.

    ‘He isn’t a bully,’ I say louder than I had planned. ‘Alex, I mean,’ I add, just in case anyone thinks I am referring to Toby.

    ‘I really don’t think you know Alex well enough to comment,’ sneers Penelope.

I pull the sherry tray towards me. I am getting slowly pissed.

    ‘Don’t do anything rash,’ Issy hisses across the table.

Why does she always imagine I am going to do something rash? What is it she expects me to do? Surely something rash would be to have mad passionate sex on the dinner table. When have I ever done that? Blimey that would be the day.

    ‘He is a bloody bully,’ repeats Toby. ‘Sherry is fattening, you know that don’t you?’

I grit my teeth. How dare he make comments on what I eat or drink. We’ve broken up haven’t we?

    ‘Oh do shut up Toby, and I think you’ll find I know Alex better than you think.’

Penelope raises her eyebrows and then appraises my Laura Ashley dress and finally gives me a scathing look.

    ‘I love your earrings by the way, are they new?’ pipes up Issy, attempting to change the subject.

    ‘They were a Christmas present from Alex,’ I say quietly.

    ‘Ooh lovely,’ she gushes. ‘God, they’re real diamonds aren’t they?’

    ‘Do what? What did you say?’ asks Toby, his ears pricking up.

Penelope snaps her head round and glares at me.

    ‘I hate to disillusion you, but Alex would never notice a size sixteen woman, who wears floral dresses from, Evans is it, that makes big clothes for women?’

Oh, she knows how to hit below the belt. What a bitch.

    ‘Ooh very tart. The words obviously, not the speaker,’ hisses Issy.

I blush and look at the floor. I’m not a size sixteen, what a cheek. Mother takes two glasses of sherry and puts one in front of my father and the other in front of Penelope before saying,

    ‘Well, I am sure we would all like to see things your way dear, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my arse.’
Issy snorts and I bite my lip and think how nice it is that I can’t always control my mother.

    ‘What was that you just said, Fluff?’ asks my father.

    ‘How dare you,’ gasps Penelope.

    ‘Can we please move on,’ snaps Jamie.

Penelope flicks back her hair angrily and gives mother a filthy look.

    ‘Libby and her mother…’ continues Jonathan.

    ‘Fenella,’ butts in mother.

    ‘Yes, thank you. Libby, Fenella and Issy,’ he stops and nods affectionately at Issy, ‘under the impression that Alex was under forced guard, attempted a rescue attempt today. It is my fault entirely I’m afraid. Alex asked me not to reveal the plans until this evening. They were not to know he was in safe hands.’

    ‘I said to Libby, if we’d only had a gun who knows what we could have achieved…’ interrupts mother.

    ‘Yes, quite so,’ jumps in Jonathan.

    ‘Of course we both have military backgrounds and Libby is quite capable and…’

    ‘Why she is chasing after that fuckarse leaves one to wonder,’ bellows Toby.

    ‘When a woman finds a real man…’ Issy begins.

I titter.

    ‘Oh really,’ complains Penelope.

    ‘Oh shut the fuck up,’ says Toby crossly.

    ‘I beg your pardon,’ says Penelope huffily.

    ‘No, I meant her,’ he says, flustered, pointing to Issy.

    ‘Watch your mouth Mitchell,’ snaps Jonathan angrily.

    ‘You don’t want another black eye now, do you?’ says Issy, grinning at him.

    ‘That wanker got off lightly. If Libby hadn’t have stopped the fight I would have knocked his bloody perverted head off.’

    ‘Tobes, please,’ begs Penelope, feigning tears.

    ‘Sorry, Pen. He brings out the worst in me. Him and homos.’

Pen? I look to Issy who just shrugs.

    ‘I’m a fully qualified agony aunt and even I don’t understand these two,’ she says, quietly.

Jamie leaps from his chair and leans across the table to grab Toby. Christ, things just get worse and worse.

    ‘Don’t you bloody touch me, you poof. Who knows where your hands have been. You faggots make me sick.’

    ‘You’re a disgusting specimen of a man,’ screams Jamie, walking around the table to get to him.

    ‘Oh dear,’ moans mother. ‘Do something Edmund.’

    ‘What, oh yes. At ease chaps,’ mumbles my dad.

Toby’s wine glass smashes to the floor and Penelope screams as her leg is sprayed with glass. To everyone’s surprise Toby grabs two bread rolls from the table and throws them at Jamie.

    ‘Don’t come any closer, I’m bloody warning you,’ snarls Toby.

I stare mesmerised. Has he gone totally mad? He is so focused on Jamie that he doesn’t see Jonathan step behind him. Within seconds he is pushed back into his seat.

    ‘Don’t you think you have caused enough upset?’ says Jonathan quietly but there is an undertone of threat in his voice.

    ‘Yes,’ adds Issy. ‘You’d better put a condom on Toby. If you're going to act like a dick you need to dress like one.’

Toby gives us all an evil look while Penelope gently pats his arm. What the hell is going on with these two?

    ‘From this point on, I don’t want any of you to speak to anyone, or even look at anyone, without talking to me first,’ instructs Jonathan. ‘Bryant is currently being guarded and is safe from any kidnap plots. Your rescue attempts are to be admired, however,’ he smiles at us and Issy goes all weak. ‘Tomorrow, Alex will leave for the studio. It is carnival day which is useful for us. We are going to use a Buddha float to get him there. Pong wouldn’t dare try to get to him at the carnival.’

    ‘I need to see him, Jonathan, so please give me the address,’ snaps Penelope.

Jonathan looks uncomfortable.

    ‘Alex has requested that I do not reveal where he is. This is for everyone’s safety. You will see him tomorrow Penelope, after the broadcast.’

She throws him a dirty look. Toby grunts and edges back in his seat.

    ‘If you all seriously believe Bryant when he says the government is corrupt, you’re bloody mad. That article he wrote was crap,’ he scoffs loudly.

    ‘I’m actually in touch with the person who leaked that for Alex…’

    ‘Oh, I just love it, do tell us more,’ squeals mother, who looks as if she may wet herself any minute.

    ‘We really don’t need to know about the article,’ I say quietly

    ‘I understand that you wrote that piece, am I right Libby?’ he says, smiling at me.

I nod self-consciously. Thanks very much, Jonathan.

    ‘Well done, Libs,’ cries Issy.

    ‘She’s been brainwashed, you all bloody have. I’m getting room service. Sod this.’ Toby stands up and storms from the room.

    ‘He doesn’t know what he’s saying,’ says Penelope softly. ‘I’ll just check he is okay.’

We all stare in disbelief as she follows him.

    ‘He doesn’t know what he is saying, my backside. If I had thirty pieces of silver for every time I’ve heard that, I’d be rich,’ laughs Jamie.

Issy puts her arm around my shoulder.

    ‘I’m going to find a dark quiet alley and snog Jonathan to death, you don’t mind do you?’

I shake my head.

    ‘I shall just finish off this sherry with a fish curry, don’t worry about me.’

Oh no, don’t worry about me. I’m only twenty-nine, single and slightly pissed and having dinner with my parents and two poofs. Yes, that’s just
about the story of my life.

Chapter Twenty-Four

    The five small glasses of sherry, or port, or whatever has me quite senseless that all I can do on returning to my room is fall on the bed and practically die. I am woken by the bleeping of my Blackberry. I pull it towards me sleepily and then wake up instantly when I see it is a text from Alex.

‘Good cycling, by the way did I mention that? Are you angry with me? If not, do you want to come over for a coffee? Bring your bra, one never knows. Can you also get me a shirt and tie from somewhere? Alex.’

He wants to see me. I feel a surge of excitement but decide I can’t go. Let’s face it, I am a complete disaster area. I really should tell Penelope and let her go for coffee. After all, she is his fiancée. I text him saying he should ask her. Another text comes winging back.

    ‘Don’t be silly, she doesn’t have a Wonderbra. Besides I want you to come.’

I feel a strange flutter in my stomach and jump from the bed only to feel my head throb. A shirt, where can I get a shirt? Toby certainly won’t be offering one. My father has some very nice shirts but they will
be too big. Disaster, disaster, what do
I
wear for coffee with Alex? I break out in a cold sweat. Obviously it will need to be practical while at the same time appealing. I can’t very well wear the Laura Ashley dress now can I? I don’t want to be seen either. I imagine it will need to be something dark. I finally choose a brown silk shirt and some leggings topped with a black cardigan. God, I will roast. Hopefully it will be cooler this time of night. Oh, this is so exciting that I feel sick with nerves. I tap mother’s mobile number into my Blackberry. After what feels like forever she sleepily answers.

    ‘Fenella Holmes, currently in Cambodia, how can I help you?’

Currently in Cambodia, what is she on? Currently losing the plot more like.

    ‘Mother it is I?’

    ‘Who?’ comes her puzzled response.

    ‘Your daughter,’ I sigh.

    ‘Libby, it is almost ten o’clock. We’ve just got into bed and your father…’

I think it best to stop her there.

    ‘Alex just texted me and…’

    ‘I’ll be there in two secs,’ she says, fully alert now.

I had no sooner turned the phone off when mother bursts into the room. I scream and she screams back in return.

    ‘Why are you screaming?’ I cry.

    ‘I don’t know, because you did I think.’

    ‘Alex has asked me to have coffee with him,’ I say, as if making light conversation.

She jumps up and down excitedly, then gasps and claps her hand over her mouth.

    ‘Do you think it will be dangerous travelling there at night, with all the drug barons and everything?’

Oh my God, I hadn’t thought of that.

    ‘No, I mean I don’t think so.’

    ‘We need a gun,’ she says with a determined look on her face. What is it with my mother and guns?

    ‘If only we were at home. You could have borrowed your father’s shotgun.’

I stare at her amazed.

    ‘I didn’t know father had a shotgun. In fact, I didn’t know he even went shooting.’

She seems to go all glassy eyed.

    ‘Your father does a lot of things you don’t know about,’ she says with a wink.

Oh, how gross is that. Not the sort of thing you want to hear about your parents.

    ‘I have to go soon.’

    ‘I’ll cover you.’

I shake my head. My mother seems to think she is in an episode of 24.

    ‘Don’t tell anyone.’

    ‘Of course I won’t. Is the
intel
reliable? Do you know for certain it is from Alex?’