Coffee in Common (36 page)

"Maybe this
is
the real you. Maybe the person you thought you were was a face you learned to put on, part of a wall you built inside because of whatever happened with those other guys. Maybe the comfort you feel…and do you know how flattering it is to hear you say that? But maybe this comfort has started to let out the Jillian who's been lurking inside.

"Hey! Maybe you'll turn out to have seventeen different personalities and I'll get to go out with all of them!"

Jillian smiled at the joke, which only encouraged Paul to go on.

"Imagine! One of you might be a truck driver, or a contortionist. I could really get into her! There might be a middle-aged mom, a teen drama queen, and a drag queen, and a New Jersey hairdresser who pops her chewing gum and says ‘Oh…my…gawd all the time!"

Jillian was laughing now and she leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. "You really are strange, you know."

"I do know, but isn't that one of the things you l…ah…like about me?"

He had almost said the word both of them had studiously avoided ever since their goodnight kiss last Friday, the word neither would even admit to thinking, much less feeling this soon into their relationship.

"Yes, it is. But even that scares me. You know what makes me laugh, what makes me feel mushy, what…it's like you can see into my soul. And one part of me finds that exciting and reassuring, but another part feels uncomfortable that you can know me that well so quickly. I…"

"Jillian, I don't know you at all. Not really. Every day I learn something new. For example, today I learned you make a little humming noise after you've been thinking about something and before you say what it was. It's not magic, honey. I just pay attention. As for the rest, I'm being who I am. I told you right from the start there was something special between us. Maybe it's that we really
are
compatible, that we complement each other even as we have so much in common."

"Maybe, but it's more than that. You…you seem to know things. Like the Calla lilies you gave me last week. Did you know they're my favorite flower? Ever since I was a little girl. The first memory I have of my life is toddling along a path lined with white Callas at my grandmother's house in North Carolina. I couldn't have been more than two or three years old. And for as long as I can remember, white Callas have been my favorite. Of all the flowers you could have picked, you chose them. How could you know? And the date you set up. It was so wonderful, Paul, but you chose the four things to do that I've always found most romantic. It was like you'd read my diary or something. Do you see? Do you see why I feel nervous at the same time I'm feeling so happy?"

It was Paul's turn to think and he sat quietly for a minute, processing all she had said.

"I guess I understand. I suppose it should worry me, too, but honestly, it just reinforces what I've felt since the moment we met.

"I don't know what the future will bring for us. I have some thoughts on the subject, but honestly, for now I'm happy just to be here with you, to be anywhere with you.

"If you have doubts or fears, that's okay, too. Remember our conversation on the beach last week? About not keeping doubts and fears inside? I really believe what I said, then. If we talk about things, none of them can hurt us."

"I know, and to be honest, I guess this conversation was another test, to see if you really meant it. I'm sorry I keep doing this, I…"

"You need to stop apologizing, Jilli. Stop apologizing for being who you are. If something bothers you, talk to me about it. That's what couples do, or what they're supposed to do." He let out a short chuckle. "Can I ask you a question that might make you a little uncomfortable?"

"Of course." She could hear the hesitancy in her voice. "But only if I can ask you one later."

"Deal. Okay, here goes.

"Given all these feelings you have, the doubts and the fears and all, why did you invite me in after our date last week?"

Jillian considered the question, not sure whether to answer and whether to tell the whole truth if she did. Then she felt a twinge of guilt.

How can I not be honest with him? He's all but opened his soul to me from the day we met.

"I guess it was because at that moment I wanted you more than anything. I mean, the whole night had been so wonderful, and you'd been so nice and generous and romantic. And when we kissed on the beach it made me feel so…you know."

She could feel the color rising to her cheeks.

"And then, when we kissed goodnight, and it happened again, I didn't want to let you go. I wanted you with me so much I blocked out everything else." She paused. "I can't believe I'm telling you this."

"You know I felt the same way. But think about this, now. How would you be feeling today if I had come up, if we had slept together? Would you be happier? Less scared? Or more? Would you be feeling any of this, or would you have kept that block in place once you'd given yourself like that?"

"I don't know. I think…I guess I probably would have blocked all these feelings out, so I could enjoy being with you."

"But the feelings, the fears and doubts, they'd still be there, right?"

She nodded. "Right."

"Do you think you could have kept them suppressed forever?"

"No, of course not. Eventually they'd have broken through, only…only we'd have grown comfortable together. But we wouldn't have any real depth of understanding of each other to help us get through it. It could easily have broken us up."

"But what's different about dealing with it now? They're the same fears, the same doubts."

"Because we're still learning, still figuring out who we are together. We haven't formed any bonds, don't have any expectations we have to defend to ourselves or each other. We get to find out about each other at the same time as we figure out who we are together, so any bonds and expectations will be based on who we really are, not some fantasy we constructed to justify having slept together."

Last week, in the heat of the moment, when he tried to explain his reason for not sleeping with her, she understood in a general way. But now, after his questions forced her to think it through and actually detail the reasons, she realized she really did see it, really knew in her head and her heart why he wanted to wait, and why it was the right thing, the smart thing to do. And she realized the knowledge made it all seem a little less scary.

It's true. It's always been true. I've always been afraid of getting hurt again the way Aiden hurt me. It's been like barrier between me and guys ever since. But it's different this time. Ever since that first day in the coffee shop it's been gone and I can't bring it back. But I don't want to bring it back.

Her heart was open and unprotected again and that was what truly scared her.

He can hurt me. He can hurt me more than Aiden did. But he can love me more, too. I know. I saw it in his eyes last week. I hear it every time we talk. I feel it every time we're together.

She sighed.

I'm so tired of being scared all the time. I'm tired of holding back, of not letting myself feel too much. I want to let go, really let go. But I think it's going to take more time. And I know Paul will give me that time and help me unpack all the crappy baggage I've been lugging around since Aiden.

She looked at him with a new respect.

"Oh, you think you're so smart now, don't you?"

 "So smart? What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, and thank you."

She re-buttoned her blouse.

"Now, this seat looks wide enough so we can lay down side-by-side. I think I really want to hold you for a while, okay?"

Paul smiled. It was more than okay. They settled in and shared a soft, tender kiss before he said, "I guess it's your turn now. What do you want to know?"

Jillian hugged him close, her head resting on his biceps, their faces inches apart. Even in the dim light, her eyes glowed with anticipation as she said, "Tell me all about Krista."

10:35 PM

"What was the name of the guy who made it possible for us to meet again?"

They were sitting at their table, waiting for the DJ to return from his break. Jessie hadn't thought about the dung worm all night. Her thoughts were all of Gary, and of the extraordinary good fortune that brought them together again.

"You mean Ethan?"

"Yes, good old Ethan. I'll bet that's him sitting two tables over to the right, next to a girl in a green dress."

Jessie glanced over and caught him looking her way. "That's him. How did you know?"

"He's been watching you all night. Or maybe he's been watching me, but I don't think so. And I don't think the girl he's with is too happy about it. Every time she catches him, she glares, and I've seen her smack his arm twice."

Jessie shrugged. "Who cares. Ethan is so yesterday. He and Dedee deserve each other. And that's the last time his name will come up tonight."

"Yes, sir…ah…ma'am!"

Gary watched her scowl melt into a grin as he tilted his head and made eyes at her. He thought about Paul and Jillian waiting out in the limo and wondered if they were having as good a time as he was. He didn't see how it was possible. Jessie was incredible.

He learned quickly he'd only scratched the surface with her that day in the mall. She was smart and forthright, with a quick wit and an encyclopedic knowledge of music. She seemed to be able to talk about anything and when she smiled, the whole world faded away. He wondered how that guy could possibly have left her, though he was very grateful that he had.

"He must be a frigging moron!" he muttered, not realizing his thought had been vocalized.

"Who's a moron?" she asked as the DJ started spinning another disc. They'd been so into each other, they'd not noticed his return.

"Shoot, did I say that out loud? I'm sorry. I was thinking about something."

"So who's the moron, and why?"

"Him. The person who's name we are not mentioning again tonight."

"Oh. Well, I agree. But why were you even thinking of him?"

Gary hesitated. "I, umm, I don't know that it's really appropriate. We're having such a good time tonight and I don't want to embarrass you or dredge up anything unpleasant."

"Boy, you don't know much about girls, do you? That only makes me more curious to know what it is. Come on, out with it or I'll torture you all night to find out."

"Okay, then. I was thinking about how great you are, and I wondered how he could have been so stupid as to let you go." He shrugged a half-hearted apology.

Jessie smiled at him, blushing slightly at the compliment. She found it didn't even bother her to think about the breakup with Ethan any more. She leaned over and gave Gary a quick hug. Then she sat back and said, "I wouldn't sleep with him. He wanted to have sex and I didn't. So he went and found someone more willing than I was."

"Well, I, for one, am very grateful he did. But I'm sorry you had to get hurt."

"Don't be. He did me a favor and one of these days, when I stop hating him a little more, I might even thank him. And now I wanna
dance
!"

With that, she jumped up and started moving to the driving beat as she danced her way to the floor, looking to Gary like an angel, a sweet, soft, undeniably sexy angel.

The DJ kept the music loud and fast for almost fifteen minutes. The dance floor was packed with young bodies losing themselves in the rhythms, the sounds, and their partners. Gary and Jessie were no exception. They shared looks and smiles as they twisted and turned, each showing off for the other, building an emotional heat that rivaled the physical heat of so much exertion. Then the DJ took pity on the dancers and slowed things down.

Happy for the chance to get close, Jessie and Gary moved together as Bryan McKnight started singing
Back At One
. They'd danced to slow songs earlier, but this time it was different. The feelings between them had been growing stronger all night, and neither could hide any longer how much they wanted the other.

Jessie moved right into him, her whole body pressing against him as her arms went around his neck. They danced slowly, hardly moving, the music only an excuse to hold each other close.

After a minute or so, she felt Gary's hand move from the small of her back to caress the nape of her neck, sending shivers of pleasure down her spine. Then, as they continued to dance, she felt him lean his head back, so she lifted her own off his shoulder to see what was wrong.

He stared into her eyes for almost a minute, then smiled and said, "Jessie, I really need to know something."

"What?"

"Are you gonna, like, freak out and start screaming when I kiss you in a few seconds?"

"When you…"

His lips cut her off as his hands pressed her closer. They danced as one body now, slowly turning as they tasted each other for the first time. It was everything Jessie had hoped it would be - soft, tender, and wonderful, and when it ended, she looked up and answered his question.

"I guess I won't," she sighed with a dreamy smile, "but maybe you'd better try again. Just to make sure."

SATURDAY, MAY 15

12:10 AM

When the taxi pulled up in front of Priya's building, Brian slipped out and helped her from the back seat. Then he leaned in and asked the driver to wait, a signal to Priya that he wasn't expecting to be asked up.

"I had a really nice time tonight, Brian," Priya said softly. "Thank you."

"No," he replied, as softly, "thank
you
. I thought I was only going out with the prettiest girl in Boston tonight. Imagine my surprise when I discovered I was dating the smartest and the funniest, too."

 "Oh stop it," she told him, pleased at the compliments. "It's getting late and I have to get up early in the morning." She leaned over and kissed him quickly on the lips. "Goodnight, Brian."

She started up the steps as he drifted back to the waiting taxi. Her fingers had closed around the keys in her purse when she heard, "Priya, wait."

Brian hurried to the bottom of the stairs. "You know, I really meant what I said a minute ago. You were so
not
what I expected. I…I think you're amazing and I know the dating rules say I'm supposed to wait a day or two before I call you, but I don't want to wait that long. I'd really like to see you again tomorrow. Your choice. Whatever you want to do." His eye twitched as a thought crossed his mind. "Assuming you weren't being kind before to get rid of me."

Priya chuckled. "No, I wasn't being kind. But my father and brother are coming tomorrow for the weekend. Their flight arrives in about five hours."

She saw the disappointment on his face.

"Oh, well, okay. They'll be here all weekend?"

She nodded. "Until Sunday night. Their flight back leaves at ten-thirty. Maybe we could get together for lunch Monday?"

"Sure, Monday lunch. That's perfect. No, no it's not. I have an all-day seminar in Springfield on Monday. Can I call you when I get back? There's, well, there's something I need to tell you but it will take a while and it's too late now."

"Are you sure? If it's important…"

"No, it'll keep."

She watched him walk back to the taxi. With his hand on the door, he looked back and smiled at her, but in the yellow glow of the streetlight, it seemed different than earlier in the night, as if something were hidden behind it.

She waited until the taxi turned the corner onto Commonwealth Avenue before unlocking the front door.

Something's wrong, I can feel it. He was so sweet, so attentive all night, but then the happy, fun Brian was replaced by…someone else. Someone who thinks I'm not going to like what he wants to tell me. Crap, is he married or engaged or something? No, I didn't get that vibe. And I don't think he's gay. Maybe he's been in prison. That might make him act that way. Damn! Why didn't I insist on talking right then? This is going to bug me now all weekend!