Coffee in Common (50 page)

"I don't know how you could ever forgive something like that, but I hope, I pray you've found a way and that the pain and hate have not been with you all these years."

Jillian had never seen shame and sorrow on Aiden's face before and it took her a minute to recognize them. The realization tugged at her heart.

"I need to know why, Aiden."

"Yes, of course. You have a right to know why I left as I did."

He paused for a few seconds, taking deep breaths and releasing them slowly, not unlike what Jillian did to relax and prepare for her yoga class.

"Do you remember Christmas break of my senior year? I wanted you to come home with me, but you said it would be our last chance to have a special Christmas alone with our families."

"I remember."

"Do you remember I didn't call you for a week and that when we returned to school…"

"You were acting strange."

"That was because the day after New Year's, my parents decided that since I was getting married soon, it was time to tell me I was adopted."

She flinched a little, not expecting such a revelation, but she remained silent.

"It seems the daughter of one of my mother's cousins in Sweden got pregnant. My parents had been trying unsuccessfully to have a child for ten years, so she came to stay with them, had the baby, signed the adoption papers, and returned to Sweden.

"When they told me, I, uhh, I didn't take it well. My reaction hurt my parents, I know, but I couldn't help myself. I railed at them for letting me grow up without knowing my true heritage. I was very mean and very hurtful and they didn't deserve it, but I was young and stupid and it didn't matter they promised Hanna not to tell me until I married. Hanna's my birth mother. Hanna Giertz.

"So I took off for a week. I crashed with friends and spent the time thinking. When I calmed down and went home again, I apologized to them, but I could see they were still hurt. And inside
I
was still hurt. And confused. Suddenly, my whole life was a lie. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore.

"After the break, I knew you could see the change in me. But you accepted my ‘nothing's wrong' and went on loving me. And that's when things really started getting crazy inside my head. Suddenly, there were all these fears, all these questions.

"How could I love you if I didn't know who I was? How could you love me? What if our love was based on a fantasy, on who we thought I was, but it wouldn't even exist once I discovered who I really was. I know it sounds crazy, but that was just a small part of what began to consume me. If it wasn't for you being there to ground me, I don't know how I would have finished the year and graduated.

"Then, as graduation, and the wedding day approached, I became convinced the only fair thing for me to do was to go away and find out who I really was. I had to find my birth mother, but more than that, I had to discover my whole heritage. I couldn't make a life with you when I didn't even know who I'd be once I searched out the truth. When I left, when I wrote that note, I honestly imagined I'd only be gone a few months, at most."

She had been listening quietly, patiently, almost hypnotized by this Aiden who was so unlike the man she remembered, who was opening himself up in a way he never had during their time together. "But…"

"But why didn't I tell you? Why didn't I share the burden? Why didn't I trust you, let you help, or at least be there for me?"

"Yes!"

"I told you. I was young and stupid and confused. And without realizing it, I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. What I really needed back then was not to find my birth mother, but a psych ward to get me thinking straight again.

"You have to know it wasn't anything to do with you, Jillian. I didn't leave because I didn't love you. In my mixed up head, I was leaving because I
did
love you. Because you deserved to know who I really was before tying yourself to me. And then, by the time I came to my senses and realized what I'd done to you, it was too late. Too much time had gone by. I knew you would have moved on."

"Then why…"

"Have I come back now?"

 The tiniest of smiles curled the corners of her lips.

At least that hasn't change. We always were good at completing each other's sentences.

 "Yes."

 "I did find my birth mother. Thankfully, screwed up as I obviously was, she and her husband welcomed me, introduced me to all the other relatives, and let me live with them most of the first year. And they insisted I keep in touch with my parents. Between all of them, they helped me return to sanity, I guess, is the best way to put it. And by the way, I don't know if you contacted my parents after the first few months, but it was almost a year before they knew where I was. So please don't hold it against them if…"

"I only called them a couple of times after the first few weeks. I hated you too much after that to care."

It was Aiden's turn to flinch. Certainly he knew how she must have felt then, but it was hard to hear it from her own lips. He sighed and nodded.

"During that first year, as I was recovering and learning about who I was, I learned Swedish and found a job teaching English.

"Almost eighteen months went by before I went home to visit for the first time. I've been going back a couple of times a year since then. Twice, I arranged a stopover in Boston for a night, so I could check the phonebook to see if you moved, maybe get a glimpse of you going in or out.

"Then a few months ago, I realized I had settled into a life there. And it was a good life. But a part of me still missed my old home in Indiana. Or so I thought. It took a few weeks of introspection, but I finally realized what I really missed most was not my old hometown or my parents. It was you.

"
Du var min stora kärlek, min vackra blomma, och jag har tänkt på dig varje dag. Varenda dag
. You were my great love, my beautiful flower, and I have thought about you every day. Every single day."

He ran his fingers through his hair as he used to do whenever he was about to say something important.

"I realized it was time to decide whether or not I'd stay there and make it my home. But I also realized that the thought of never seeing you again was more than I could bear. So I had to come back to see if there was any chance of rekindling what we had together. I found this beautiful life, Jillian, but it's empty because you're not in it. I wanted you to see it, to be a part of it.

"So I took a sabbatical and came to Boston. But when I arrived, I found I was incredibly nervous, that I had no idea what to say to you after all this time. And it occurred to me that you probably hadn't even thought about me for years. Or if you did, there was a curse of some sort attached. I figured that if I just showed up, you'd probably throw something at me, so I watched you for a while.

"At first, I wanted to figure out if you were with someone and if it was serious. Then, when you noticed me that day through the coffee shop window, I realized it might be a good thing if you started thinking about me before I actually showed my face, to sort of give you time to get used to the idea of me again. But as I was following you, trying to give you just the occasional glimpse of me, I felt more and more foolish. So I went home to visit my parents for a while and think about how to approach you. And by the time my flight landed yesterday, all I wanted to do was to see you, take whatever I had coming, and hope for the best. There was really nothing else I
could
do.

"So now you know it all. I realize none of it is an excuse for what I did, but it's the truth. And you deserve to know."

Paul had been watching them, unable to tear his eyes away. Aiden seemed to be doing most of the talking, his hands often moving about to emphasize something while Jillian stood still for the most part, occasionally shaking or nodding her head. Twice, she'd glanced over at him, perhaps to make sure he was still there. But she didn't seem at all upset with Aiden and that worried him.

Then, when it seemed as if the dread had filled him to overflowing, he saw them turn and walk toward him. Aiden didn't look happy, but he didn't look sad or upset, either. Suddenly, Paul wasn't sure he really wanted to hear what would come next.

They stopped four feet from him and Jillian moved to form the third point of a triangle.

"I have a lot to say, and I want you both to hear it all, but I'd appreciate it if neither of you said anything until I'm done. Okay?"

Both men nodded.

Facing Paul first, she said, "Some of this may not be easy for you to hear, but I owe it to you to finally be completely honest. You deserve to know what's been going on.

"Over the past month, since I met you, I've come to realize what a special person you are. You've opened me up in a way I would not have thought possible after what Aiden did. For that alone, I'll always be grateful to you. And I think I know how you feel about me. I think I've known since our first date.

"But knowing all that was part of why I've been so distracted lately. Ever since our first date, I wanted you so much. But when I started thinking about Aiden again, it felt like a part of my heart still wanted to see him, despite the way he hurt me, despite his abandonment, despite everything. And I knew that wasn't fair to you. I felt like I was betraying you. You're such an incredible guy that you deserve a woman whose only thoughts are for you, who has no reservations about anything, who can make a commitment to you without harboring feelings for a lost love."

She turned to Aiden. "What you did to me was inexcusable, but thinking I saw you again made me believe a part of me really did want to see you. So I guess your little game worked even though it confused and distracted me. More than that, really, it consumed me. And Paul paid the price for it these past few weeks. But you showing up this morning, and then again, here, made me understand I was right. I did want to see you. I
needed
to see you."

She shifted back to Paul. "I hope you can forgive me, Paul. I know my distance and distraction hurt you these past weeks. I told you the night you asked me about it that there was something I needed to sort through on my own. I don't know what you might have imagined or suspected, but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for putting you through it. But now the time has come to do what I need to do. I
have
sorted through it, and I have to do what's right for me, do what will make my life right again."

Turning again, she said, "Aiden, I don't think you ever really understood the depth of my feelings for you. I don't think you really knew how completely I loved you. And so I don't think you can possibly imagine how much you hurt me, how devastating it was for me to find that note you left, to have to read about your abandoning me instead of hearing it from your own lips.

"For months afterwards, my whole being wanted you to come back, wanted you to take me in your arms again and tell me it was a joke, a cruel, drunken joke. And though I believed I was over you, I realize now that all this time, a small part of me still wanted you to return.

"When you appeared again it scared me. I told myself I didn't want to open old wounds, relive old, buried feelings. But try as I might to stop them, all the old feelings came flooding out, confusing me, but also forcing me to think about what I really wanted. And over the past few days, that's all I've done is think, really think. And seeing you now, talking to you, listening to what you had to say, now I know.

"I want a man who will love me as unconditionally as I'll love him, a man who'll stand by me and help me, who'll let me help him. I want a man who'll share with me, not just his life, but his thoughts and feelings, his very soul. I want a man who'll laugh with me when I'm happy, who'll take care of me when I'm sick, and who'll let me care for him when he's hurting. I want a man who sees who I am on the inside, deep inside, where I don't let anyone else look. I want a man who'll let me be who I am, who won't try to change me, or expect me to change him. I want a man who makes me laugh, who surprises me, who gets me. I know that sounds like a lot, but it's what I want.

"I'm happy you came back, Aiden. Happy to hear you've made a life for yourself. Happy you still care for me and want me back. It completes the circle of our relationship."

Her eyes bore into his. "For so long, I wanted to hurt you, to yell and scream and humiliate you, to give you a taste of what it was like for me back then. But now that the opportunity is here, after listening to your explanation, I just feel sorry for you."

When she shook her head, her whole body appeared to shiver.

"My god, Aiden! You found out you're adopted so you abandoned the people who loved you, who cared for you, who would have done anything for you? You tossed away two years of our lives because you freaked out?"

She took a step toward Paul.

"You see this guy. Take a good look. Here is a man who is all the things I said I wanted a minute ago, a man who saw the person inside me before I even knew who she was. Here is a man who's been nothing but sweet and kind and loyal despite all the doubts he must have felt about the way I was acting these past weeks. Here is a man, Aiden. A genuine, strong, loving, caring man. And he cares about me. I'm still not entirely sure why, but he does. You must have been experimenting with some pretty powerful drugs for five years to think I'd actually leave someone as wonderful as Paul for anyone, much less someone like you."

Without even meaning to, she had succeeded in humiliating and humbling Aiden. He caught her eyes, then Paul's, then returned to Jillian.

"I…I guess I knew this is what would probably happen. But I had to make amends as best I could. And I had to try. I had to know for certain."

He started to leave, but after three paces, turned back and said to Paul, "Jillian was an amazing girl in college. And I can see she's become an even more amazing woman."

He shook his head, a rueful half-smile curling one corner of his mouth.

"You know, I chased her for two months before she'd go out with me. I can't even tell you why. Something just drew me to her. And after our first night together, I was sure I'd found heaven on Earth.