Collection (8 page)

Ava handed me a plastic cup of water.
 
I drank, and the pain in my throat cooled.
 
“What happened?”

“Someone beat you up pretty bad,” she said.
 
“You were brought here in an ambulance.”

“How long?”

“Two days ago.
 
You’ve been in and out ever since.”

“Jesus.”
 
I tried to sit up, and I felt my ribs shift inside my chest.
 
The pain was incredible, and I eased back against the mattress.
 
There were bandages wrapped around my chest and head.
 
I had a feeling they were the only thing keeping me in one piece.

“Do you know who did this to you?” Ava asked.
 
“Did you get a look at them?”

I looked over her shoulder at Nash.
 
He frowned and looked away.
 
I turned back to Ava.
 
“Yeah,” I said.
 
“I have a pretty good idea.”

I told her what had happened.
 
When I was done she nodded slowly and pulled the blanket up.
 
“I’m going to find the nurse.”

I watched her walk out.
 
For a while I just sat there, staring at the ceiling, waiting for Nash to start in on how stupid I was and how I was lucky to be alive.
 
Of course, I saw that for myself.
 

“She’s going to leave me,” I said.
 
“Do you know that?”

“Wouldn’t be a bad move.”

Right then, lying in that bed, I almost agreed with him.
 

Neither of us spoke for a while, then Nash came up next to the bed.
 
“I have some bad news.
 
I wanted to tell you personally.”

“So tell me.”

“Marcus was shot last night.
 
He’s dead.”

I tried to sit up, and the pain made my eyes water.
 
“It was Stover,” I said.
 
“I told him I knew he tried to blow up the diner.
 
Now you can go after him.
 
You can—”

“No.”
 
Nash put a hand on my shoulder, pushing me back.
 
“It wasn’t Stover.”

I eased back in the bed.
 
“Who?”

“It was his son, Phil.
 
We arrested him this morning.
 
Apparently, Marcus went by his apartment and there was a fight.”
 
He paused.
 
“Phil owed some money to some people, and instead of going after him, they thought they’d prove a point and go after his family.
 
Marcus knew it, and I guess it got to be too much to keep inside.
 
He confronted the kid about it, and Phil shot him.”

When he finished, I didn’t speak for a long time.
 
When I did, I said, “Will you get me a mirror?”

“You might want to wait a while, Jack.
 
I don’t think you want to see it yet.”

I asked him again.
 
This time he gave in.
 
He found a handheld mirror by the nurse’s station and only hesitated for a moment before handing it to me.
 

When I pulled the bandages off, I didn’t recognize my reflection.
 
My nose was gigantic.
 
It spread across my face like an eggplant, and a slow dark fluid leaked from my nostrils, drying into a thick black clump over my upper lip.
 

“Oh, Christ,” I said.

Nash had turned away when I peeled back the first bandage.
 
Now, he was staring out the window, and when he spoke, it was to the glass.
 
“The doctor said it would be better once it healed, but you’ll need plastic surgery to get it to look the way it used to.”

“No,” I said.
 
“No surgery.”

He turned toward me.
 
“Don’t make that decision yet.
 
See how it heals, see if you change your mind.”

I knew he was trying to help, but I didn’t care.
 
I wasn’t getting plastic surgery.
 

I wanted to remember, every time I looked in a mirror, what carelessness and stupidity looked like.
 

~

After the second day in the hospital I declared myself cured.
 
The doctor didn’t agree.
 
He said since I lost consciousness I needed to stay under observation for a couple days.
 
Also, the blow to my face shattered my sinus, and if I didn’t have surgery I could lose my sense of smell completely.
 
He said there would probably be some loss either way, but with luck…

I told him no.

He crossed his hands over his lap.
 
“You’re a chef, right?
 
No sense of smell means no sense of taste.”

I told him I was leaving.

This time he didn’t argue.
 

Ava was set to pick me up that afternoon, and I waited for her in the hospital lobby.
 
When she didn’t show I tried calling her from the payphone outside.

No answer.

The next call I made was to yellow cab, and twenty minutes later they dropped me off in front of my apartment building.
 
I paid the driver and got out.
 

It took time to pull myself up the stairs to my apartment.
 
I stood outside the door, staring at the scarred wood.
 
When I was ready, I took out my key and slid it in the lock.
 
It went in and so did I.

I knew what I’d find.

Ava was gone.

I sat on the couch for a while, staring at the empty spot where Jacob’s crib had been, then got up and went to the kitchen.
 

I pulled some turkey and cheese from the refrigerator.
 
There were spots of mold on the cheese, and I broke them off with my fingers and dropped them in the sink.
 
I found a couple pieces of stale bread in a bag on the counter and used them to put together a sandwich.
  

Outside on the fire escape, the wind was strong.
 
I wondered where the homeless were staying tonight, if they had a place to go when the weather turned bad.
 

The sandwich was dry, but I ate it anyway.
 

I didn’t taste a thing.

Rivers

“
W
here are we going?”
 
Megan is behind me, kicking my seat.

“To the river,” I say.
 
“A spot I know.”

“But it’s dark out.”

“That’s the best time.”

Megan mumbles something I can’t hear, but Tanya hears it and turns around.
 

“I told you we’d take you to Julie’s.
 
You didn’t have to come along.”
 
She takes a penny from the center console and throws it at her.
 
“You could’ve gone and played dollies with your friends.”

“We don’t play with dolls.”

Tanya turns back to the front.
 
“Whatever.”

“Besides, Mom said you had to take me with you.”

I look at her in the rear view mirror.
 
“Do you do everything your Mom tells you to do?”

Megan is quiet for a moment.
 
“What do you mean?”

“Nothing.”
 
I look over at Tanya.
 
She smiles at me.

“You guys just want to be alone so you can do it.”

Tanya laughs and turns around.
 
“What?”

“I said you guys want to do it.
 
That’s why you don’t want me here.”

There’s an awkward silence.
 
I keep my eyes on the road.
 
One of my headlights is out, and I wonder if I’ll get pulled over tonight.
 

I can’t look at Tanya.

“You don’t even know what that means,” Tanya says.

“I do so.” Megan says.
 
“I heard Mom talking about it.
 
She said if she finds out, she’ll put bars on your windows and tie your knees together until you’re twenty.”

“Yeah, whatever.”
 
Tanya takes a cigarette from her purse.