Color Me Love (4 page)

I
would get the file, write down his address, and use my cool spy tools to figure
out what I needed to do to meet him. After all, I did solve a couple of murders.

I
was a master at dumping people. I was going to be a pro at matching them!

Five

The
next day, Erin had gotten up early to go into Color Me Love. She was going to
set up the dates between Buddy and the client and Joel and the client.

Thank
God I was only involved in the initial process, because I would sabotage the
client date with Joel. Plus, I had my own business to take care of.

I
sashayed into the office and started my computer. Immediately, my emails began
to ding. I glanced over to see that I had over ten more dumps to add to my
already busy schedule.

It
was time to switch gears and get back to breaking hearts.

“Hello,
is Emma there?” I asked when a girl answered the phone.

“Who
is this?” Emma asked.

“I’m
Jenn from Splitsville.com and I’m calling for Ron. He hired me to break up with
you.” I pulled up the file Ron had sent me.

I
thought maybe her name reflected how she looked, a red-headed, green-eyed
beauty, but boy was I wrong. I had to laugh at the outdated slanted blonde hair
cut. The two-toned streaks gave me an immediate impression. Ron was right.

“Who
is this again?” Emma sounded a bit confused.

“I’m
Jenn for Splitsville.com and Ron hired me to break up with you.” I began the
process.

“Is
that a website or something?” She asked.

“Yeah,
that would explain the dot com part of it.” I told her. Ron was right, she
wasn’t very bright. “Anyway, Emma, Ron hired me to break up with you because he
said that you are stupid. He is tired of having endless conversations about
nothing. He said that you talk about your nails, your hair, and your clothes.”

“I
have to look good.” Emma interrupted.

“I
never said you shouldn’t look good. But you need to get rid of that hairdo. It
was so Kate Gosling ago.” I snickered.

I’m
not saying I’m some fashion queen, but it didn’t take a fashion genius to see
that Kate had a bad haircut. She even thought so, or she wouldn’t have gone and
gotten extensions.

“I
say a lot of smart things too.” She was in the denial part of the process. “We
talk about the weather.”

Hmm.
. .yep, not smart.

“I’m
beginning to think that Ron isn’t the only one who thinks you’re stupid.” I
said.

Okay,
that was a bit harsh, but really?

“He
said that you sit around watching dumb movies and going out to stupid clubs. He
wants to take you to nice restaurants, but he’s afraid you are going to act
stupid.” I read word for word what Ron had sent me.

I
heard a click and the phone line went dead.

“Hello?”
I questioned the silent line.

Oh
my, did she just hang up on me?

“Hello?”

Now
that just flat out pisses me off. I dialed the number again.

“What?”
Emma did not want to accept what was happening.

“Hi,
Emma. Please don’t hand up on me again.” I began all over again. “Do you
understand that Ron is breaking up with you?”

“Listen,
Jenn. I do go to great clubs. We dance. We have fun!” She shouted into the
phone.

“Apparently,
that’s all in your blonde head. Ron isn’t having fun and those aren’t the types
of clubs he likes to go to.” I informed her.

“You
said he paid you. How much?” She asked the golden question.

“He
paid me fifty dollars. That is how much ending this relationship is worth to
him. Fifty dollars.” I spewed like a faucet.

“If
he has a problem with us, he can call me.” Emma said.

“He
does. Do you understand he has broken up with you?” I was becoming frustrated.
She was really stupid.

“You
don’t have the right to do this.” Emma said smugly through the phone.

“Yes,
I do have the right. Ron has dumped you. Emma, it’s over.” I slammed down the
phone.

How’s
that for hanging up on someone
? I looked down at my ringing cell
phone.

I
took the computer earplugs out of my ears when I noticed it was Erin’s cell.

“What’s
up?” I answered, trying to put myself back to my real self.

“Where
are you and what are you doing?” There was panic in Erin’s voice.

“I’m
at home dumping people on the eve of the biggest love day of the year.” I tried
really hard to forget last year’s Valentine’s Day when Bradley took me to our
favorite pizzeria on the outskirts of town, Pete’s Pizzeria.

I
quickly hit send on Ron’s file so he knew he was free from Emma, and then shut
down my computer.

“Listen,
my car broke down and I need you to go to the Heifers and Ho’s Dude Ranch to
meet Buddy for his date.” She said. I could tell she was on the verge of crying.

“Where
is the big secret client?” I asked.

Damn!
If I’d known
she wasn’t going to show up, I’d have sent Joel on the date, then I wouldn’t
have to sneak and get his number.

“She
got tied up. I need you to pretend to be her.” Erin now sounded panicked.

“Whoa
there, Nelly!” I screamed.

There
was no way I was going to Heifer’s and Ho’s Dude Ranch. I was not going to go
on a date where they offer bucking broncos. The last time I rode a bull was in
college at Smokey Scott’s Bar. And then it was only for free beer night.

“Nelly?”
Now Erin was just plain confused.

“It’s
an expression. No, I won’t pretend to be your ‘super secret client’.” I walked
into the kitchen and through the family room to let Herbie out the back door.

I
loved my tree-lined land. It was perfect for the privacy I loved and the chain-link
fence was great for Herbie to roam freely without me having to watch him.

“You
have to.” Erin protested. “You are my best friend and I need you to pretend to
be Jennifer.”

“Jennifer?
You’re secret client is Jennifer?” I asked.

All
the famous Jennifers ran through my head.

“Oh!
My! God!” I screamed into the phone and jumped up and down. “Jennifer Aniston
is your client!”

“What?”
Erin was annoyed. “No, not Jennifer Aniston. I wish, but somehow I don’t think
she has problems getting a date on her own.”

“Jennifer
Lopez?” I took another shot.

“Hello!
Jenny from the block is not going to be dating Buddy from the burbs.” Erin
sounded frustrated. “I just want you to pretend to be Jennifer. After this I
will show you her picture and tell you who she is. But this is the first date
for Color Me Love. I really need you.”

When
she put it that way, it made it hard for me to refuse. She’s always been there
for me and she was trying hard to make this business work.

“Fine,”
I agreed. “But I will not ride one of those bulls. Do you understand?” I made
sure to tell Erin up front that I wasn’t happy. “And he is going to think that
Jennifer is the biggest bitch in town.

I
slammed down the phone, let Herbie in, grabbed my keys, jumped in the Toyota
and headed to Heifer’s and Ho’s Dude Ranch.

Six

I’ve
driven past the sign a million times on the way out to Pleasure Ridge Park and
never once had the urge to stop. The wooden sign that towered over the dirt
drive like a bridge read: Heifer’s and Ho’s Dude Ranch. The antlers, one each
side of the sign, were barely hanging on.

The
things you do for friends
, I thought, wondering which poor animals those
antlers came from. I needed to remind myself what a great friend Erin had been
through the years. Her loyalty was unwavering.

It
was easy for me to pretend to be Jenn from Splitsville.com, so Jennifer, super
secret client, from Color Me Love should be a cakewalk.

The
scenery was amazing, totally taking me by surprise. The long ranch style home
was nestled perfectly in front of the mountainous background. A group of men in
cowboy hats were twirling lassos in the air in a pasture just to the left of
the house.

Beyond
that, there were at least two hundred head of cattle in a different pasture. My
math could have slightly been off, but I knew it was a lot of beef.

There
were women, men and children roaming all around the property. I’d heard about
the ranch but never actually heard of anyone coming here.

Lucky
me. . .I’d get to experience it first-hand.

Damn!
They
must not be doing too poorly, because I had to pull my old Toyota into the
overflow parking area in a grassy field next to the gravel parking lot. I
scanned the license plates on the cars as I drove by and there were many out-of-state
tags.

“Ewww.”
As soon as I got out of my car, I stepped into what looked like a pie. Not an
edible pie. . .a
cow
pie.

I
dragged the bottom of my shoe in the grass, hoping get off the stinky poo. Off
in the distance, an orange glow was coming from one of the white rocking chairs
on the long front porch. And it became orangier the closer I got.

Buddy.

His
aura gave it away.

This
really made my stomach churn. I had to wonder what type of daredevil stunt he
had in mind.

Evil
Kenevil was an orange, and we all know where that got him.

I
walked up to the steps on the long country porch. Buddy slowly sat up on the edge
of his chair.

All
the rockers were taken and all eyes were staring at me. For a brief moment, I
thought I was at a Cracker Barrel Restaurant.

“Hi,
Buddy.” I tried not to make eye contact in fear of passing out.

It
wasn’t passing out that frightened me, it was falling in shit.

His
ten-gallon cowboy hat was definitely not a good look for him, but he didn’t
care. He was dressed for the part.

“You
can’t be Jennifer.” He said.

There
was disappointment in his face and in his voice.

Great!
I
if couldn’t get Buddy to remotely think I was attractive, there was no way in
hell Joel would glance twice at me.

I
stared at him and began to laugh hysterically.

“What?”
Buddy looked down at his ridiculous metal belt buckle and then down to his
boots.

I
wanted to tell him he looked like a big pumpkin with a cowboy hat on, but I
didn’t.

“Nothing,
William.” I put my hand over my mouth to contain my smile. “Yes, I’m Jenn. .
.Jennifer.”

I
put my hand out for a friendly shake. That’s the least I could do, but he stuck
his hands in his 501’s.

“I
go by Buddy, and was looking for a black convertible Mercedes, not a beat up. .
.” Buddy glanced over my shoulder.

“Toyota?”
I finished his sentence.

“Oh,
is that what that is?” His nose curled as if my Toyota smelled worse than the
ranch. He looked me up and down. “Did you lie on your Color Me Love profile?”

“No.
I’m Jennifer and my Mercedes is in the shop.” I lied. Man, did Erin owe me.
“That’s my gardener’s car. I didn’t want to stand you up.”

He
crossed his arms. “The outfit? I told Erin it was dude ranch, not garbage clean
up.”

“Hmm…my
maid was out sick and hasn’t gotten my laundry finished.” I still loved my
ratty old sweatshirt with the coffee stain.

I
never thought to change my clothes.

“Fine.”
Buddy wasn’t too impressed. “You could’ve at least worn boots since you knew we
were going to be roping steer.”

Roping
steer?
This
was getting worse by the minute. Erin really was going to owe me big time.

I
rolled back on the heels of my tennies. They were a bit old and dingy, but it
was Buddy, for crying out loud.

“I’m
sorry,
fashion prince
. Your skin-tight jeans weren’t on your profile
either. Besides, I picked you when I could’ve picked a lot of better looking
guys.” I crossed my arms to match his stance. “Maybe this isn’t going to work
out.”

“I
think you are right, and Erin was wrong about you.” He pointed his finger at me,
and then turned.

The
rocking chairs squeaked as the other people on the porch slowly rocked, all of
them staring at me.

“Fine
with me, William!” I screamed into the air and stomped down the front steps
back to the grassy parking lot.

“My
name is
Buddy
!” He yelled back through gritted teeth as he brushed past
me heading to the barn.

I
was right. Buddy was a no and so was his cranky aura. I just saved super secret
client, Jennifer’s ass.