Colorado 03 Lady Luck (45 page)

I didn’t reply.

“Five years of my life, Lexie.”

I still didn’t reply.

“
I lost it. Pissed and powerless, the
Carnal PD wanted to play with my woman, I had no play of my own.
Been powerless a long time too, Lex, man like me,
any
man, fuck, baby, any
woman
loses their power, it does not
fuckin’ feel good. And there I was, they were fuckin’ with you, I
could hear your fear on the goddamned phone and I had not one,
single, fuckin’ play. I went to Tate to calm my ass down so I
didn’t do somethin’ stupid and
really
lose you and he decides to lay it out for me, what he’s
been doin’, how you instigated that shit. I lost my mind. It wasn’t
smart, it wasn’t right, too much comin’ at me at once, I acted out,
fucked up and hurt you again. But all that, you gotta know from all
you
do
know, was
understandable.”

“You’re right,” I told him.

A hesitation filled with surprise then,
“Come again?”

“You’re right. I figured that all out right
away and you’re right. It’s understandable.”

Ty was silent.

I decided I was done.

“
The thing you don’t understand is, I’m
used up, Ty. I am
so
done. And
that, well, that used up the last I had.”

His arms tightened again and his legs
pressed in, pulling me deeper into him all around.

“Lexie –”

I interrupted him. “My parents were
crackheads, I was born addicted. Did you know that?” I asked and
didn’t wait for an answer. “No. You didn’t. I don’t talk about it,
I didn’t do it but still, it’s embarrassing. Baby born in a
crackhouse addicted to crack. That was me. I made the papers just
being born. Bad luck right off the bat. Luck so bad, it hit the
papers day one I was on this earth. And Lady Luck wasn’t done. I
told you my Mom OD’ed. And I told you she never held me. They took
me away from her and she didn’t even notice, never came back to
take a shot, never came back to see her baby, never came just to
hold me. She probably held a million crack pipes to her mouth but
she never held her baby. Not once. I also told you my Dad got
killed by a loan shark, owed so many people for the dope he was
smoking, he went to a loan shark and then couldn’t pay him. My
grandfather hated him so much, he’d never let my Dad see me and he
never
did
see me, my
Dad didn’t. Then again, he never even tried. Then there was
Granddad, you know all about him being a dick. My first boyfriend a
pimp. His drug dealer best friend used me as an errand girl.” I
shook my head. “I’m done. So fucking done. I have no more to give.
And you. You need to find a woman who’s got a lot to give, see you
through, whatever fucked up shit you decide to do, find a woman
who’s got what it takes to stand by you.”

“I’m playin’ it Tate’s way,” he told me and
my heart leaped.

But I didn’t let on.

Three week crash course in pokerface and I
found I was a natural.

“Good,” I replied immediately but
emotionlessly. “I’m glad for you. That’s smart.”

He responded to my tone or, more accurately,
his body did and I knew this when I felt it go still all around
me.

Then he whispered, “Lexie –” but I cut him
off again.

“Ty, just go. This is done. It’s done. It
was done the first time you told me my pussy came with a chain but
that used to be me, thinking Lady Luck would eventually smile at
me. She doesn’t. She hasn’t. She never will. I’m her favorite toy.
Keep sticking my hand out hoping to grasp onto something good and
she keeps slapping it. That shit stings. Not gonna stick my hand
out there.”

His body again moved, drew me deeper and he
started, “Mama –” but I didn’t let him continue.

“Tate found me, he can find Ella. You get
the divorce papers to her; she’ll get them to me. I’ll give you one
last thing, Ty, my signature but that’s the last thing you, or
anyone, gets out of me.”

His head moved, his chin pulling my hair
back then his mouth found my ear and he whispered, “Baby, please,
God, just please fuckin’ listen to me.”

And that’s when I lost it. I couldn’t take
much more. Not without breaking and I couldn’t break again. The
last one left too many scars, too many wounds that didn’t heal in a
way I knew they never would. I couldn’t be torn apart again. There
was no way in hell I’d survive it.

So I lost it.

But a different way.

“
Just go,
” I hissed. “Fuck, Ty, if I make the
decision that I want to just be, can’t I just fucking
be
without all this fucking
bullshit?
My grandfather controlled my
life and with that, I had no choice. Then Ronnie did and with that,
I did but did I make the right choice? No. Then Shift controlled it
and my choices were limited but I still didn’t make the right ones.
Can you give me one fucking thing in this nightmare and let me make
my own fucking choice?”

When I was done speaking I felt his body had
gone still again, stone still.

And silent.

Then he asked quietly, “Nightmare?”

“Nightmare,” I replied firmly.

Ty didn’t move.

By a miracle, I held it together.

Then he moved but it was to rest his chin
on my shoulder and I closed my eyes because I needed him to go,
go,
go
so I could
fall apart again on my own.

Then he said, “Your nightmare, mama, was my
dream.”

My heart clenched.

He kept going. “Never had a home until you
gave me one.”

My breath started sticking.

“Never had anyone give to me the way you
gave to me.”

My breath stopped sticking and clogged.

“Never thought of findin’ a woman who I
wanted to have my baby.”

Oh
God.

“Never had light in my life, never, not
once, I lived wild but I didn’t burn bright until you shined your
light on me.”

Oh God.

“Whacked, fuckin’ insane, but, at night, you
curled in front of me, didn’t mind I did that time that wasn’t mine
‘cause it meant I walked out to you.”

He had to stop. He
had
to.

He didn’t.

“Your nightmare,” he whispered, turned his
head and against my neck he finished, “my dream.”

Then he kissed my neck, gave me one last
squeeze of his long, strong, powerful arms then he let me go,
shifted back, got to his feet and I heard his footsteps walking
away.

When I couldn’t hear them anymore I opened
my eyes and saw sea.

I didn’t move for a long time and anyone
studying me from the huge, cement patio with rusted lounge chairs
would think I was lost in my thoughts not sitting in the sand with
rivers of salt flowing down my face.

When the tears were spent, I let the breeze
dry my cheeks until they felt scratchy and tight.

Then I got up and wandered up the beach, up
the stairs to the patio and to my room. I needed to call Bessie in
hers and talk about dinner. I didn’t eat much but she’d wait even
if I picked at my food while she ate hers and I knew this because
that’s what she’d been doing for weeks.

I dug my key out of my back pocket, put it
in the lock, twisted it and walked into my room. The sun was
setting but it was still light. When the door closed behind me, I
couldn’t see anything because the drapes were pulled.

I flipped the switch, took two steps into
the room then froze and stared at the bed.

A pile of rolled bills of cash sat in the
center of my bed next to four, distinctive-colored boxes.

My eyes darted around the room, half
expecting Ty to walk out of the bathroom, pop out from behind a
curtain.

The other half, fuck me, fuck me,
fuck me,
was hoping.

He didn’t walk out of the bathroom and he
certainly didn’t pop out from behind a curtain.

And because he didn’t, my legs gave out from
under me, I sunk again to my ass, shoved my face between my knees
and cried fucking more fucking rivers of fucking salt.

��

Eleven Hours

Three weeks later…

My cell ringing woke me up.

I rolled, grabbed it from the nightstand,
looked at the display and it said, “Ella Calling”.

I blinked, groggy, confused, it had to be
the middle of the night.

Why was Ella calling?

Shit. This couldn’t be good.

I flipped it open and put it to my ear.
“Ella, honey, what’s up? Is everything okay?”

Silence then, soft, gentle, trembling, “Oh
baby.”

My heart skipped then stuttered to a halt, I
shot up to sitting in the bed, the phone pressed tight to my
ear.

“Ella?” I called when she said no more.

Now
my
voice was trembling.

“Lexie, precious…” she trailed off and again
said no more.

“Ella,” now my body was trembling, “what’s
happened? Is it Honey?”

Silence then, so soft it was near a coo,
“No, baby, it’s Ty.”

My body stopped trembling because it had
started shaking.

“What’s Ty?” I whispered.

I heard her draw in a deep breath then, “Got
a call from a man named Julius.”

Oh God. Oh no. Oh God no.

“Told me Ty was out in that fancy car of
his, goin’ too fast…”

Oh
God.
Oh
no.
Oh
God
no!

“Lost control, wasn’t wearin’ a
seatbelt.”

He didn’t. Ty didn’t. I’d nag him and he’d
do it but I had to nag him.

Live wild, mama.

I closed my eyes.

Oh God.

Oh no.

Oh fucking God, no.

“Lexie, baby, you there?”

No. No. I wasn’t. I wasn’t anywhere. I was
lost. Totally lost. More lost even than the lost I’d been for a
month and a half.

Lost forever.

“Yes,” I lied, opening my eyes.

“He… he…” another audible breath, “he’s
alive, precious, but they say he’s not gonna last long. This Julius
man said that maybe you’d wanna see him before he… he…” another
audible breath while my body shook the bed and my throat burned so
bad I knew it would never feel normal again, “passes. But he said
there isn’t a lot of time.”

Suddenly full of energy, I threw back the
covers and jumped out of bed. “Where is he?”

“County hospital outside Carnal.”

“I’ll get the first flight,” I announced,
glad for the first time I had fifty thousand dollars of my
husband’s money.

My husband’s money.

My husband.

My throat constricted, cutting off my
air.

I forced saliva down it and doing it fucking
hurt. But it worked; I could again breathe though I was doing it
shallowly.

“Did he give you a number?” I asked.

“Yes, baby,” she answered.

“Can you…” I grabbed my suitcase and tossed
it on the bed. “Can you… will you, when I get my flight, will you
talk to him for me?”

I couldn’t talk to Julius. I couldn’t
connect, even over the phone, with anything that belonged to
Ty.

I couldn’t.

“Anything, Lexie,” Ella whispered.

“Thank you, honey,” I whispered back then
stopped dead, froze and I couldn’t stop it, it hit me, no
controlling it, it was too strong, the feeling overwhelmed me and
the sob tore out of my throat, the sound so loud, it filled the
room, reverberating, bouncing back and beating into me like
fists.

“Baby,” Ella cooed in my ear. “Get your
suitcase, get your clothes,” she guided me. “Pack. I’ll call
Bessie. She’ll call for tickets. Just get yourself packed. That’s
all you have to do. Bessie’ll take care of you.”

Bessie would. She’d been doing it awhile.
She would do it forever.

Three good things in my whole, fucking,
entire life – Bessie, Honey and Ella.

And the fourth was dying in Colorado.

“I’ll get packed,” I whispered.

“That’s my baby,” she whispered back. “Now,
I’m gonna let you go and call our Bess, yes?”

“Yes,” I replied quietly.

“Pack, baby.”

“Okay, Ella.”

I heard her disconnect. Then I felt it slice
through me leaving nothing but raw in its wake.

Then I pulled my shit together and started
packing.

* * * * *

One hour later…

“I saw him,” Bessie said.

We were in her car on the way to the
airport.

“What?” I asked, my mind on other things, my
head so full it was aching, about to explode.

“With you on the beach,” she went on.

I sucked in breath and stared out the
windshield.

Then I whispered, “Bess –”

She kept going. “Watched,” she whispered.
“Watched him with you. Didn’t go to you, the way he was…” She
cleared her throat. “The way he was with you. I liked it,
Lexie.”

I closed my eyes, clenched my teeth then
opened them and begged, “Stop.”

She was silent.

Then she wasn’t.

“Thought you took so long to call me for
dinner, he was gettin’ through to you. You called, I was surprised.
All these weeks, kept thinkin’ how I could tell you, how I could
talk you into –”

“Stop.”

She stopped.

Then she started again.

“Shoulda talked you into givin’ him another
shot.”

She should have. She should have done
that.

But even if she did, I wouldn’t have
listened.

“Doesn’t matter now,” I whispered.

“No,” she said gently, “doesn’t matter now,
Lexie.”

It didn’t matter now.

Nothing mattered now.

She fell silent and kept driving.