Come Sunday Morning (12 page)

“Of course. That's why I selected a psychiatrist and not my gardener,” Hezekiah replied with a smile.

Dr. Canton laughed as Hezekiah continued speaking. “I'm not sure where to start. By all outward appearances my life is perfect. My ministry is growing faster than I can keep up with. We're building a new state-of-the-art sanctuary and media center. I have a beautiful wife and daughter. It all looks great.”

“Well, Hezekiah. May I call you Hezekiah? If everything is great, I can't imagine why you would be here today.”

Hezekiah looked out the window and saw a sea of silver high-rise buildings. He felt like a child confessing to his father that he had stolen sweets from the cookie jar. A wave of shame and embarrassment filled his chest. “Maybe this wasn't a good idea.”

“I'm not saying I can help you with whatever it is that's troubling you, but we'll never know unless you tell me what it is. There is nothing that you can tell me that will embarrass or shock me. Like you, I've pretty much heard it all.”

Hezekiah took a deep breath and slouched in the chair. “Okay. To start with, my marriage is over.”

The doctor nodded for him to continue.

“We've done and said things that we'll never be able to undo, and I'm not sure that I want to. When we first married and were building the ministry, I appreciated and even relied on her take-charge personality. Now I feel like it's choking the life out of me. She is a very beautiful woman—smart, creative—but she treats me like an employee. Telling me where I should go, whom I should talk to, what I should preach about.”

“Have you talked to her about how you feel?”

“I've tried, but…”

“You've tried, but what?”

“She doesn't listen.”

The doctor looked pensively at Hezekiah. “Is this about your wife or is this about you? What is really causing you to have such negative feelings toward her?”

“All right, Doctor, I'm just going to say it. The bottom line is I'm in love with someone else. I didn't mean for it to happen. It just…” Hezekiah clasped his hands together as if contemplating a difficult task. The doctor's face showed no sign of reaction.

Hezekiah continued to talk. “I've know him…” He paused and looked as though he had delivered a punch line to a joke. “Did I forget to mention it was a man?”

“Yes, you did. Have you always had homosexual tendencies?”

Hezekiah looked embarrassed. “I suppose maybe I have. But I never acted on them.”

“Hezekiah, if you want me to help, you have to be honest with me. I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to listen and, if I can, to help you.”

Hezekiah looked out the window and said softly, “There was another man a few years ago. He was a dancer I met in New York. I went to a play he was performing in on Broadway and a mutual friend introduced us backstage.”

“Why did it end?”

“It was primarily a physical relationship. And the distance made it difficult for us to see each other that often. He eventually met someone else and we lost contact after a while.”

“So now there's…What is the new person's name?”

“Danny.”

“So now there is Danny. Tell me about him,” Dr. Canton said as he removed his glasses and leaned farther back in his chair.

“He works with the homeless in downtown Los Angeles. I saw him on a corner about a year ago and asked him if he would speak to a homeless woman living near my church. When I approached him, my intention was only to help that woman.”

“I don't doubt that. Please go on.”

“But when I looked in his eyes, something just clicked in my brain. He was so handsome and his voice was so gentle. There was something so vulnerable about him. I still see that in him to this day.”

“How else is this different from the man you were involved with in New York?”

“Like I said, that was just physical. With Danny it's…”

“It's what?” Dr. Canton prompted.

“It's more. Yes, it's physical, of course, but it's also emotional and even spiritual. Sometimes I feel like we are connected on a deeper level. It's very difficult to describe.”

“Are you in love with him?” Dr. Canton asked delicately.

“Isn't that rather obvious?”

“Yes, but I didn't want to assume.”

Hezekiah shrugged his shoulders. “I've known him for almost a year now, and I've decided to leave my wife to be with him.”

Still no reaction from the doctor.

“He's the most beautiful person I have ever met. I've never been this happy before in my life. I know this sounds crazy. It sounds ridiculous to me every time I say it, but I've pretty much made up my mind. When I'm with him, nothing else in the world matters. He doesn't judge me. He doesn't expect anything from me. I can just relax and be myself.”

“Hezekiah, that implies that you are not yourself at other times.”

“Maybe that's true. Maybe everything else is just an act. Everyone around me has expectations of how I should behave, what I should wear, say, and think. But he doesn't. He accepts me for who I am at the moment. And to be honest, I think he's helped me to discover who I am for myself, for the first time in my life.”

“He sounds perfect. So why have you come to me?”

“I really don't know. I think I wanted someone to hear me say the words, to see the reaction on someone's face so I could gauge what to expect from the rest of the world. I just needed to say it to someone.”

“Have you told your wife?”

“I told her this week about Danny. She said she knew I was seeing someone, but she didn't know it was a man. I haven't told her about leaving yet.”

“Why have you hesitated?”

“I just decided this week. I plan on telling her after this Sunday.” Hezekiah went on to recount the inner struggles he faced.

Dr. Canton gave no indication of emotion. He only asked questions that he knew Hezekiah had already asked himself. The doctor was very familiar with the subject. Ministers from around the country had sat in the same chair and shared almost identical stories. Some spoke of female lovers. Others spoke of men. Regardless of the gender of the object of their affection, the pain was the same.

“Hezekiah,” the doctor said after the details of the saga were exhausted. “I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to help you sort through your feelings. I would imagine they run very deep right now. You seem like an exposed bundle of nerves, sensitive to every word, every move, and every gesture, which is understandable under the circumstances.”

Hezekiah rested his head on the back of the chair and spoke. “I don't expect you to understand, Doctor. I just needed you to listen, and you've done a good job. I'm very grateful. I've searched my heart and prayed more about this than anything in my life. I always end up at the same place.”

“And where is that?”

“Back in a place where I'm happy, where I don't feel guilty, and where I'm not ashamed about who it is I love. It's a good place, and I don't want to leave.”

The level of resolve in his voice surprised the doctor. “I'd like to help you with this problem,” he said. “We, of course, won't be able to solve it today, but I would like for you to come back next week before you talk to your wife about it. I'd like to help you figure out how to save your marriage and your ministry. Would you allow me to do that?”

“I think it's too late, Doctor.”

“It's never too late to do the right thing.” They exchanged a few more words when a gentle reminder sounded on the desk. The two men stood and shook hands.

“I hope to see you next week, Hezekiah.”

“I'll think about it. Thank you for listening.”

As Hezekiah pressed the button summoning the elevator, he knew that this would be the last time he would ever see Dr. Joseph Canton again.

 

Danny sat alone as he sipped a frothy latte at the coffee shop a block from his home on Crenshaw Boulevard. The smell of freshly brewed coffee filled the space, and the compact disc “Pick of the Day” was playing over the shop's sound system. It was a funky little café with overstuffed secondhand sofas and chairs placed in positions that allowed customers varying degrees of privacy while they leisurely enjoyed exotic blends and overpriced pastries.

Customers stood three deep at the counter ordering subtly nuanced variations of the traditional steaming cup-a-joe. “Decaf caramel macchiato, with soy milk, extra hot, and no foam” was the order from one seasoned drinker. “Mint mocha chip macchiato, double shot, and chocolate whipped cream,” another confidently requested of the barista.

Other patrons sat in chairs and sofas and read the morning newspaper, or busily tapped away on laptop computers. Danny was lucky enough to get his favorite table in an alcove at the front window. Here he could be assured that no one would sit close enough to subject him to an irritating one-sided cell phone conversation consisting of, “Who will be at the meeting today? Why was she invited?” or, “Where would you like to have dinner? I hear the food there is lousy. Okay, that sounds like a good idea.”

Danny was reading the local section of the paper, when he felt the familiar vibration of his telephone in his pocket. The caller ID indicated it was his friend Kay Braisden, who had recently moved to Washington, DC.

“Hello, Kay,” he said. “How are you?”

Danny and Kay had been friends since college. She was the same age as Danny, a devout Christian, and the daughter of a pastor. By all outward appearances they seemed an unlikely pair. But the reality was they were very much alike. She was pretty, prim, and proper, and he was the soulful poet who preferred staying home on Saturday night over dancing the night away out at the hottest new nightclub with the beautiful, young, and gay crowd.

“Don't ‘how are you' me, Danny St. John,” Kay answered snippily. “I've been trying to reach you for two weeks now. Why haven't you returned my calls?”

“I know. I'm sorry. I haven't been a very good friend to you lately, but I've been really busy here. What is going on with you in DC? Have you found an apartment yet?”

“I couldn't find one in Washington, but I finally got a cute brownstone just over the bridge in Virginia. I can't wait for you to see it. It has the coziest fireplace and original fixtures. It's two stories and I actually like my neighbors. It's a bit pricey, so I had to get two roommates. One is a writer and the other a buyer for a boutique in DC. You'll like them. When are you going to come and see me? I can't wait to show you around.”

Danny hesitated. “I'm not sure when I'll be able to get away.”

“All right, Danny. Who is he?”

“What do you mean?” Danny asked shyly.

“I know you very well. Whenever you disappear like this, I know you're seeing someone. Now tell me who it is this time.”

Danny paused and then said, “You're right. I am seeing someone, but—”

“I knew it.” Kay interjected and continued with a flurry of questions. “I want to know everything. Who is he? Where did you meet him? How old is he? What does he look like? What does he do for a living?”

“Slow down, Kay. I can't say who it is. You would know him.”

“Why? Is he famous? Did you snag yourself one of the Lakers?”

“No, he's not an athlete,” Danny replied with a hint of exasperation in his voice. “I really don't want to talk about it. Can we please change the subject? I saw your sister last week at the market. She said your father is thinking about retiring.”

“Danny, I thought I was your best friend. Why are you afraid to tell me his name? Do you think I'm going to blab it to the newspapers?”

“Don't be ridiculous. That never crossed my mind. To be honest, I'm concerned that you might judge me.”

“I didn't overreact when you told me you were gay, did I?” she asked defensively.

“As a matter of fact, you did. You didn't speak to me for a week after I told you.”

“I apologized for that. It just took me some time to get used to the idea.”

“I know, and I accepted your apology. But for that whole week I thought I had lost my best friend. I don't want to go through that again. What you think of me is very important, and I don't want to risk our friendship.”

“Why would you think this would upset me?”

“Because he's a married man.” Danny took a deep breath and continued. “And a minister.”

Kay did not respond. There was a long moment when no words were exchanged. Then Danny said, “You see. I knew this would upset you. That's why I haven't told you about him. I've never done anything like this before, but I love him.”

To Danny's relief Kay finally spoke. “Who is he?” she asked with no expression in her tone.

“Hezekiah Cleaveland.”

Danny could hear a slight gasp escape from her lips.

“Danny,” she said with great hesitation in her voice, “I don't believe this. Honey, you know I love you, but this is wrong. He's a married man.”

“I don't need you to tell me that. I've gone over this a thousand times in my head. I've wanted to break it off with him, but I just can't.”

“Danny, I accepted the fact that you are gay, even though I never told you it broke my heart. I even held my tongue when you were dating that horrible egomaniac from San Francisco. But this…”

Danny did not interrupt, and allowed Kay's words to continue their painful course.

“Danny, I have to pray about this. I don't know what to say.”

“I understand, Kay.”

“I love you, Danny.”

“I know you do.”

“I'll call you in a few days.”

“Good-bye, Kay.”

Danny stared out the window of the café. The morning traffic had begun to subside, and the paper no longer held stories of interest to him. He knew this would be the last time he would receive a call from Kay Braisden.