Coming Home Again (A Coming Home Again Novel Book 1) (18 page)

“Why are you such a disrespectful—”
Before she can spit another word out, my hand strikes out to return the favor.
I call forth all of the pent-up hurt I have towards this woman and slam her
cheek with all my might. I have never struck my mother before and can barely
believe my actions now. Neither can Jean, she just stands here totally stunned.
Tears spill out her eyes almost instantly as she rubs her red cheek. Mine
stings its familiar sting and I’m satisfied that she is finally getting a taste
of it herself. I don’t try to rub the throb of mine away. I know from
experience it only makes the mark shine brighter, but I don’t share this with
her. I want her to wear that angry mark in remembrance of this moment. It’s the
moment that this mess comes to a stop.
I’ve
had enough
.

“You have struck me for your last
time,” I say through clenched teeth. It is all I can do to stay calm and speak
evenly. “I’m a grown woman, and I will no longer allow you to abuse me.”

“Abuse?” she asks as if confused. “What
the heck do you know about abuse?”

“Oh, I do believe I know too much about
the subject of abuse. Between your vile words and twitchy palm and Evan Grey’s
wandering hands, I do believe I’ve been taught a good bit about it.” My body
begins to quake all over and the tingling seeps into my fingertips. I storm
over to my suitcase and haphazardly down three Xanax with a bottle of water I
brought up with me last night. My insides are screaming, and I feel close to
coming undone.

“What on earth are you talking about
with Evan?” Jean asks.

My eyes cut over at her and watch as
she wrings her hands in what looks to be guilt at her lie of omission. “I’m
talking about the man you left us with while you were out living your precious
life. I’m talking about all that time that should have been spent making
lasting memories with my mother. Instead, I had a sick man teaching me all I
needed to know about sex.” It is all I can do not to scream, but I feel my
control slipping. Jean flinches at this as though I’ve just struck her again.
Good. She needs to feel the vile sting of the truth. I hurl the water bottle
across the room, causing the remaining water to scatter along its trek. I’m
coming undone and feel the demons fighting against my determination to not
allow them victory. But it’s too late. I’m defeated. I take in a rugged breath
and deliver another blow with my words. “Oh yes, he taught sweet Julia Rose all
she would ever need to know about sex as well.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking
about.” Her voice falters with another lie, and we both know it. My mother has
always been an awful liar. Her lies come out in stutters. I’m so ready to slap
the stutter out of her. I take a step away from her to try to control this
urge. She’s scooting dangerously close in my direction.

“How could you not possibly know?” I’m
irate at this point with my body jerking with uncontrollable tremors. “I know
you remember coming home from your vacation that summer and noticing that Julia
and I could hardly get out of bed. It definitely wasn’t the flu,
Mother
.” I have to sit back down on the
bed because I’m trembling so badly. I run my hands aggressively through my
knotted hair several times, trying to relieve some tension. I focus on the pain
of my scalp from pulling my hair, hoping to gain some control. However, it’s
not working. Jean says nothing, and really, what can she say? “It was from
being raped over and over again by that devil. And you allowed it to happen.” I
whisper this because it hurts too bad to say loudly. The admission that my
family allowed such a thing to go unpunished cuts just as deep as the act of
the abuse itself for me.
  

“How dare you talk like this to me now.
My
husband
has just died, and you expect me to be able to deal with
this?” She gestures towards me like I’m a distasteful chore and begins pacing
back and forth across the bedroom floor. It hurts that she sees me as something
to deal with and not her damaged daughter.

“Yes, it’s nearly twenty years past
due. Because I’m sick of your constant disappointment in me when you’re the one
who should be ashamed. You were the one who allowed some man to play porn star
with your daughters while you were out enjoying your
free
time. I’m
disappointed in
you
!”

“How can you talk to me this way?” Jean
heads for the door, but I grab her arm.

“Why have you always hated me so
badly?” I beg for an answer. “Why?” I feel like a confused, helpless child. I
shouldn’t yearn for this woman’s love and approval, but I desperately do
anyway.

“How could I hate you? You’re my child,
Savannah. Of course I love you.” She looks at me as if I am completely stupid.

“What you have for me is nowhere close
to love. I want an answer on why you never did anything about what Evan did to
Julia and me?” I’m adamant on making her admit to not doing right by us. She
keeps tiptoeing around admitting her wrong.

“I did what I thought was best.” She
juts out her chin and crosses her arms in defense.

“What kind of crap for an excuse is
that?” I yell and sling myself back down on the edge of the bed.

“It’s the truth. I was afraid if it got
out what Evan did to you girls, authorities would take you away. I thought the
best thing for us to do was to try to forget it happened.” She nods her head
rapidly as if she is agreeing with herself on this convoluted idea. “I had no
idea anything was going on until your father and I returned from that summer
vacation. So I told Evan that if he came anywhere near my family again, I would
kill him.” Jean collapses on the bed beside me.

She lays her head in her hands and
continues to cry. The emotions of everything are too overwhelming. I hardly
have the energy to continue, but this is my chance to get things off my chest.
I can’t leave things the way they are. It’s time to set things straight with my
mother, whether we like it or not.

“Do you actually think my sister and I
could simply forget something so horrible?” I ask. “It near ‘bout killed Julia
Rose.”

“I didn’t say I handled it right. I
said I handled it the best way I knew how.”

“Then explain to me why you have always
been so awful to me.” I need answers.

“I wouldn’t call it that. I’ve always
been stern with you to make you stronger. It worked, didn’t it?” She sounds so
convincing.

“Oh no, you don’t get credit for my
strength. Only I do.” I continue. There’s more to get out, and I have all
intentions of unloading it all on her. “I know I was a mistake. You’ve always
made sure I knew it too!” I yell.

“Is that what you actually think?” Jean
looks at me in disbelief.

“I know I’ve not dreamt the whole thing
up. You’ve always been so much harder on me than Julia or John Paul. Why?” I
come unglued and begin screaming. I’m pretty sure the guests think our world is
falling apart up here. Thunder pounds through the yelling in agreement.

“Because you’ve always had so much
potential, but you’ve chosen to waste it.” Jean gets up and walks toward the
door then turns back around. “You’ll never be able to make anything of yourself
until you let the past go. Your past doesn’t have to define you, Savannah. I
may not have been the mother you wanted, but there’s nothing we can do about
that now. I am who I am.”

I can’t believe what my ears are
hearing. How dare Jean actually think she can give me motherly advice, even if
it makes some sense. No, I have not decided a career path yet. I’m still
settling into married life with Lucas. I haven’t had time to figure everything
out and I’m still young. What was the hurry? It doesn’t seem to bother Lucas.
His opinion is the only one I care about.

“Your dad always knew what potential
you were capable of. He made that clear in his will.” Jean is now staring out
of the window towards the storm brewing just outside.

“What in the world are you talking
about?” I ask as I run my hands through my hair nervously.

She remains at the window silently, so
I repeat myself. “What are you talking about, Mother?”

“He left you the restaurant and
market,” she barely says over a whisper. This sends me into shock.

“Oh really? So I can take care of you
the rest of my life. No thanks! John Paul should take over the businesses, not
me.”

Jean looks as disgusted as I feel.
“Between my inheritance from my parents and what your dad left me, you’ll never
have to provide a dime for me. As for John Paul, he couldn’t handle the
responsibility, nor does he want it. That boy’s heart is in his photography.
Your dad knew you would continue his legacy the proper way.” Her tone lightens
up a bit. “You’ve already shown your interest. You spent most of the day there
yesterday, didn’t you?”

My lungs tighten painfully as I start
to hyperventilate. “I have to get out of here.” I grab my bag, cram my feet
into my shoes, and stumble out the door with the intention of running away from
this life permanently. The dam I’ve willed to withstand the unrelenting years
of hurt not only buckles under the pressure, it completely gives way, allowing
all of the bitter memories to flood through me in a torturous taunt.

I surrender in defeat.

I have finally had enough.

I’m tired of being lost.

Chapter Thirteen

The storm is rolling in at an
unforgivable rate as I pull up to the beach. I sit in my car for a few moments
in a daze and watch the rain meet the angry waves. The medicine is doing its
job and everything is numb—from my lips to my mind to my soul—numb. It’s a
feeling I want to keep—to never feel the hurts and disappointments ever again.
As this thought dances around my foggy mind, the idea materializes right in the
midst of those swelling waves.

I stumble out of the car and become
instantly drenched in the downpour, but I barely give it any notice. I stagger
to the water’s edge as lightning splits across the stormy sky. Mother Nature
and I are on the same page with our restless moods. The roaring waves and
thunder crash all around me, and the ocean beckons me even farther.

The demons whisper,
Come meet me. Let’s dance our dance. Just
give in. It’s time.

I am waist deep in the hostile water,
swaying to the tempest. It’s getting harder to focus on anything but the hazy
whispers undulating in and out. My mouth feels like cotton, so I lean my head
back to take in the tears of the sky when a wave crashes into me and knocks me under.
I don’t fight against it. I freely let the current beat me and pull me for a
spell before deciding to reemerge.

I’m now chin-deep in the livid sea, and
all I can think is to just go out a bit farther. I do, until I have no choice but
to sink or swim. I tread the irritated waters for a while, trying to figure out
what in the world I’m doing. But my mind is too disoriented from being
overmedicated and cannot decipher the situation. I’m disoriented and feel as
though I’m stuck in one of my dreams—maybe I am…

My eyes slip shut until a boom of
thunder awakens me. I’m not sure how long I’ve been out here—seconds, minutes,
a lifetime… My legs and arms are getting tired now and feel too heavy and so I
decide to let go. I just let go…

Letting go, I allow the current to take
me under. The ocean encapsulates me until everything is eerily quiet and
peaceful. It’s as if the deeper I sink, the less the storm can affect me. A
peculiar thought flickers through my confused consciousness. Has peace been
hiding under the waves of this ocean all along? My lungs begin to protest after
allowing the ocean to claim me for a spell. No. The peace is not here either, I
decide. Panic tries to push its way in and I think about propelling myself to
the surface, but I rethink it. Instead, my mouth opens and breathes in the
salty water. My physical body tries to protest, but I welcome the burning
invasion. My ever-present demons sing joyfully,
just endure this for only a little longer and you can be freed. Let the
tide take you away…

I’m
lost…I’m worthless…I’m confused…

In this moment, I let go completely. I
stop fighting a fight I can never win. I suck more of the saltwater in with my
body protesting, refusing to give it any relief.

Soon…
It will all be over soon.

A hand snatches me up and I try
fruitlessly to fight it off. The vice grip propels me to the surface and I
can’t wiggle free from it.

“Oh no you don’t!” His voice breaks
through in a gruff tone as he begins to pull me towards the shore. I’m so
lethargic at this moment that I have no choice but to let him. In my next
glimpse of consciousness, I’m being dragged onto the shore. My body expels the
saltwater violently onto the wet sand as the rain slams into us in thick
sheets.

“No you don’t,” Lucas says again
through gritted teeth as he pulls me onto his lap. I weakly look up at him and
notice his own tears mingling with the rain. I want to say I’m sorry for those
tears, but more ocean makes its way out of my lungs at that moment. Then
darkness pulls me under.

When I rouse back awake, I find myself
shivering in Lucas’s jeep. He is pulling up somewhere. I don’t care where
because, at this moment, the fire in my throat and lungs are overwhelming. I
swallow and wince at the pain this causes. I begin to whimper and Lucas finds
my hand.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. We’re okay.
It’s going to be okay,” he whispers in a continuous chant as he parks. He
releases my hand, so I close my eyes. I open them almost immediately when he
pulls my door open, swoops me in his arms, and carries me up the steps of an
unfamiliar beach house. He pushes through the front door and carries me
straight upstairs to what my jumbled mind guesses is the master bath. My eyes
are so irritated that I don’t even try to focus on anything particularly.

Lucas stands me up in front of a
massive walk-in shower and turns on an assortment of nobs. The pelting water
blends with the rain song in a melancholy chorus. I have to hold onto the wall
while Lucas tries to peel my saturated clothes off. My yoga pants feel so
sticky and I worry we will never get them past my shoes… That’s when I notice
I’m barefoot. I guess the ocean didn’t get to claim my soul this day; I think
and smirk at the stupid thought that it
did
get the soles of my shoes. I know, dumb notion. I blame it on my heavily
medicated state.

Lucas gives me a curious, concerned
look, but I just shake the idea and his question away. He bends down to work my
panties past my feet and I have to hold onto his shoulders so I won’t topple
over. I really should not have taken three pills. My head doesn’t feel like it
is attached to my body.

He guides me gingerly into the warm
streams of water as though I am the most fragile thing—maybe I am. All I know
in this moment is the warm, vigorous water is delicious. I lean my head back
and gulp the fresh water as though I have just been rescued from an extended
stay in the desert. After shedding his own wet clothes, Lucas joins me in the
shower.

He turns me towards him and begins to
massage water through my tangled hair. His tearful eyes study me in an
excruciating way. I see the pain etched across his beautiful features. I am a
burden, and it stings me deeply for causing this. I try to speak an apology,
but this produces a coughing fit freeing some more trapped saltwater from my
lungs. I release it and follow up with a manly hacking spit, causing a boyish
smirk to faintly appear on my Lucas’s face as he rolls his eyes. In only a
moment, the seriousness is back painfully in his features.

I gulp some more fresh water and watch
as Lucas picks up a bottle of shampoo and begins to work it through my knotted
hair. I give him a questioning look because the unmistakable aroma of
eucalyptus and mint is none other than my own shampoo.

As he lathers and massages my head, he
answers my unspoken questions. “I rented this beach house late last night. I
was on my way to pick you up when I saw you peel out of your mother’s driveway.
I followed you to the beach…” His voice tightens at this. He gathers me up in
his arms, and we both tremble while he sobs. I wish I could cry along with him.
I hate myself for doing this to him. It’s the first time I have witnessed Lucas
cry, and it punches me deeply that I am the cause. Shame engulfs me.

I slur out an apology around a
too-thick tongue. “I’m so sorry.”

My speech pulls him back into focus as
he eyes me. “How many did you take?” he asks.

“Too many.” I lick my swollen lips.
“But not enough.” I bob my head to convey meaning.

“Savannah?” He’s not content with my
answer.

“Three. I only took three.”

If this upsets Lucas more, he doesn’t
show it. He goes back to washing the ocean off me. After rinsing my hair, he
works a good amount of conditioner through my tangled tresses. He then moves
onto washing my body in a tender, massaging manner. I’m not so far gone that I
couldn’t take care of this myself, but it feels too good not to indulge. His
touch is so heavenly that I can barely keep standing. This man can pour so much
love out with just his touch. He relays his heartache and compassion through
the attention he gives me in this moment. Every so often, he brushes a kiss on
my shoulder or over my temple or where his hands have just washed. He is still
slightly trembling, so I know this scare won’t be leaving us so easily.

I have to get myself together. What I
did was stupid and selfish. This man, who is practically worshiping me in angst
at the moment, doesn’t deserve this. In this very moment, the realization slams
into me so hard, my legs buckle, causing Lucas to have to hold me up.
I don’t deserve this either.

He holds me fiercely under the shower
jets and begins slowly rocking us in a silent dance. He seems to always try to
out dance my demons. I’m ready to finally let him too. It has taken me quite
the journey to get to this point of intimacy with my husband, and now I feel
like it is the only thing that keeps me going.

Love
is giving. And love is accepting.
Lucas’s words echo through my mind as
he continues to caress me. We stand under that water as I release more demons.
I want to lay them all down. I want to be able to be healthy enough to love
this man back the way he and I both deserve.

He eventually eases away, places me on
the tiled shower bench, and sets out to washing the sea off his own body. He
moves through it fast. I watch as he places his hands on the wall opposite of
me as if he needs it to balance himself. The water cascades down his taut
shoulders and I can actually see the burden of this morning’s monstrous event
weighing on him. He sniffles a few times, but seems to pull himself together by
the time he shuts the water off to face me.

He runs his hands roughly through his
wet, curly locks as he gazes at me. Keeping his hands on top of his head, he
whispers, “You are to never do that again.” I nod in agreement.

Lucas pulls me out of the shower stall
and begins to dry me with a soft thick towel. Once we are both dry, he gathers
me in his strong arms as though I’m the most precious thing and carries me to
bed, where he continues to pour out his love for me. His confidence seems to
wane a bit and is replaced by urgent uncertainty and fear as he holds me
tighter than normal. This is usually a trigger for an attack and I wait for it
to creep up but it never does. Maybe it’s because I focus on Lucas in this
moment and not my fears or simply from being overmedicated. I know I’m the
cause of this. His body trembles with the fear I placed there. I wish he had
not witnessed my darkness, but he did and there’s nothing I can do about it
now. All I can do is relay my apology in this instant. I am so sorry, but I
seem to have no control over the demons that are holding me captive. I want to
be free of it just as much as Lucas does. He wants to fix me and I want him to,
but we both know it’s not in his power to. It’s not fair to put such a burden
on him. He’s tried to carry it ever since we’ve met.

“I’m sorry,” I confess as I burrow
close to him and his warmth. “I’m so sorry.” These words repeat every so often,
but he seems to only be able to slightly nod his head in recognition to them.

As we comfort each other, both storms
pass and finally give way to peace. At least it does until nearly dawn when the
fuzz of Xanax seeps completely away and my stress level starts to rev back up
again.

I lay in my Lucas’s arms as I listen to
the waves lap against the shore. I’ve been listening to this lulling song for
hours now as I contemplate everything. My eyes have awakened it seems after
yesterday’s failed suicide attempt. I’m thankful that this is the end of that
attempt instead of being buried on the beach hill with my dad tomorrow. I’ve
been given another chance, and I need to figure out how to make it count.

I ease out of Lucas’s arms and slip on
a baggy pair of sweatpants and an oversized T-shirt I find in his suitcase. I
swipe his keys and start to head out.

“Hey?” he asks in a groggy tone as I’m
about to leave. I turn back to find that fear in his eyes.

I move back to the bed and climb in his
lap for a few minutes before I whisper, “I need to go see Miss May. I’ll be
back shortly. I promise.” I kiss the scruff on his cheek and head out.

The rain is coming down in only a
whisper now as I pull into her driveway. I find Miss May standing on her porch
in curlers as if she has been expecting me. Maybe she has. I’m beginning to
think she has a direct line to God.

Before I can reach her front steps, my
legs give way and I collapse in the muddy yard. Something significant shifts
inside me. I don’t know what overtakes me in this moment, but the next thing I
know, I am screaming to the top of my lungs. I scream and I scream as Miss May
kneels beside me. I fell her wrap her arms around me, sheltering me from the
world as she’s always done. Her body rocks alongside mine as my soul expels all
of the toxins wave after wave.

“I can’t carry it anymore! It’s too
much! How can I let it go? I have to!” I scream out in agony, raising my head
towards the mournful sky. The cool mist mingles with a hot liquid that is
trickling down my face. It scares me because I think I’m bleeding somehow. I
reach up to wipe the warm liquid off my face and am confused when I inspect my
hand and find no trace of blood.

I’m not bleeding…
I’m crying
! My body finally releases the flood of grief and
bottled-up pain. I pull on Miss May desperately and I know she sees a mad woman
before her as the levy finally breaks free and I sob wholeheartedly with my
body trembling violently.