Competitions (11 page)

“Let me guess,” Jovvi said to Tamma with a happy grin of relief. “You’ve already tested for some of your masteries, and you’ve gotten them.”

“Every one of the first six,” Tamma answered, holding up a small leather pouch. “Six silver dins for six masteries, and full permission to go home even though it’s only early afternoon. But the going-home part was for their benefit, I think. Unless I was imagining things, they were so nervous they couldn’t wait to get rid of me.”

“You weren’t imagining things,” Jovvi said, losing her good mood. “That man beside you was very frightened, just like the people I was with. I gained all four of the first masteries along with the four silver dins, and suddenly became a different person to them.”

“Yes, they went from condescension to fear in six—or four—easy steps,” Tamma said, leaning her head back on the coach seat. “Tomorrow may be a different story, but whether it is or not—What can they possibly be so afraid of? Are we suddenly going to turn into some kind of monsters, and they know about it but aren’t allowed to warn us? I’ve learned to dread what I’m not being told about, Jovvi, and this feels like a new version of the same old situation.”

“Somehow I don’t think it is,” Jovvi replied, her brow wrinkling in thought. “The fear was for what we are
now
, not for what we might turn into. And in a way it was a very specific fear, personal to the people involved. I have no idea what details are involved, but it feels—”

Jovvi gestured with one hand, finding it impossible to put her impressions into words. The fear had been both personal and impersonal, and wasn’t specifically involving
now
.
Now
seemed to be generating no more than extreme nervousness, but
later
…

“It feels as if we’d better watch even more carefully as we continue to move ahead,” Jovvi went on, seeing the way Tamma now listened closely. “I think it’s safe to say there’s something coming that they know about but we don’t, but it’s not necessarily bad for
us
. If they knew we were certain to be Seated, for instance, they’d worry about what we might do once we were in power.”

“I hadn’t considered that possibility,” Tamma said slowly, her brows raised. “Or at least I hadn’t considered it seriously. Maybe that’s because the worst I would do to any of them is have them fired, and I don’t mean in my aspect’s way.”

“Very often people expect to see others acting in a manner they themselves would act in,” Jovvi said, nodding her agreement with Tamma’s intentions. “You and I know we would never cause them any real harm just to get even, but chances are good that in our place they
would
cause harm. Small, spiteful people worry about things like that, so they’re punished by their own attitudes. Let’s not let that spoil our pleasure over what we’ve accomplished.”

“You’re absolutely right,” Tamma agreed with a firm nod, and then she laughed. “Especially when that accomplishment was so easy, at least for me. I’m still somewhat nervous about the next batch of tests where I’ll have to do the same thing while protecting myself against attack, but I’m suddenly starting to
believe
I can do it. That makes a big difference, doesn’t it? Believing in yourself, I mean.”

“It certainly does,” Jovvi told her with a grin, enjoying her bubbling delight. “I’ve been saying that all along, but it’s the kind of thing you have to discover for yourself. Until then, all the saying in the world won’t convince you it’s true. I just wish Lorand understood that more clearly.”

“Yes, I’m worried about him too,” Tamma said with a sigh. “He’s such a
nice
person that I wish I could help… But he’s gotten past his fear so far, so maybe he’ll be able to continue doing it.”

“Forcing yourself to do something and doing that something freely bring two different results,” Jovvi said with a headshake, already having considered the point. “Lorand will probably manage now, but what happens when he reaches the real competitions and has to face someone as strong as he is? Even if he hesitates only a moment before reaching for more power, that moment could cause him to lose.”

“But how do you get around something that’s frightened you for years?” Tamma asked, her pretty eyes wide with concern. “I’m doing it—part way—by remembering I have nothing to lose, but I didn’t start out being afraid of dying. If I had… Would I have been able to get this far?”

“One day soon you’ll discover that you’re a lot stronger than you’ve ever been allowed to believe,” Jovvi told her, automatically soothing Tamma’s sudden, extreme agitation. “That’s when you’ll understand why you’ve been able to accomplish what you have—and why you
can
accomplish anything you decide on. Lorand… Lorand already knows he’s strong, both in character and in ability, and it isn’t death he fears. People who worry about burnout usually have a different picture giving them nightmares.”

“Mindlessness,” Tamma said with a nod, back to being calm again. “But that’s almost the same as being dead, since you have no idea about what’s going on around you. It’s knowing everything and being helpless to change any of it that gives me the shudders, so maybe Lorand ought to try
my
brand of trouble. I have to admit it’s less crippling than his.”

“Maybe we can talk him into taking a temporary loan,” Jovvi said with as much of a smile as she could manage, then suddenly decided she needed to change the subject of discussion. “But while we’re talking about the others, what do you intend to do about Vallant Ro? He
hates
the way you’ve been ignoring him, and I have the impression that he might decide to do something about it.”

“He’ll find out rather fast that there’s nothing he
can
do,” Tamma replied, abruptly closing herself off against listening calmly and reasonably. “I had to learn the hard way that he makes me more vulnerable than I am alone, and I don’t intend to waste the lesson. He won’t ever have the chance to put me in an embarrassing situation with my father again.”

“At the risk of starting a serious argument, I’m going to tell you what the truth is, rather than what you’ve talked yourself into believing.” Jovvi spoke slowly after something of a hesitation, hoping hard that she wasn’t making a mistake. “Friends do tell each other the truth, even if both the telling and hearing are painful. Will you forgive me in advance for being blunt?”

Tamma sat staring down at her hands where they twisted together in her lap, but she didn’t say anything about not being willing to listen. She might be expecting Jovvi to take her silence as a refusal, but Jovvi preferred to take it in a positive way.

“All right, so you won’t forgive me in advance,” she said after a moment, fortified with a deep breath. “You may even hate me after this, but I don’t hate you so here goes: it wasn’t Vallant who embarrassed you in front of your father, and vulnerability isn’t what’s upsetting you. You’re doing this because of jealousy, Tamma, and because you have no idea how a real, beneficial relationship between a man and a woman works. If you like, I’ll explain what I mean.”

Once again there was just the creak and jangle of the coach’s motion to break the silence, so Jovvi took that as an encouraging sign and continued.

“Let’s start with the jealousy aspect,” she said, noticing the small red spots which had appeared on Tamma’s cheeks. “You may not even really know what jealousy is, because you’ve never associated with a man you liked well enough to be jealous about. If that’s the case, let me assure you that finding out you’re not the first woman he’s involved himself with and immediately hating the idea is nothing unusual. Most women react that way, but some are wise enough to see how foolish they’re being.”

This time Tamma shifted a bit on the coach seat, a sign that she
was
listening even if she neither looked up nor spoke. And there was a small frown on what Jovvi could see of Tamma’s face, an even better sign.

“What you must make yourself understand is how unreasonable it is to expect that a grown man you’ve just met had no life before your meeting. If that were true you’d probably find you couldn’t stand him, because he had either no personality or an unpleasant one. If you want to be the first woman in a man’s life, you either have to be born right next to him, or accept one no one else wants to associate with.”

“How would I go about managing that first option?” Tamma said suddenly with a wry expression, briefly glancing up. “The one about being born next to him, I mean. And I’m
not
jealous of that floozie my father pranced into my house. Any man who ever saw anything in
her
couldn’t possibly find anything of interest in
me
.”

“That’s jealousy,” Jovvi stated, but with a grin. “And you have to remember that he didn’t find her interesting enough to marry. Maybe she saw other men in addition to him, and that soured his enthusiasm. Men are strange, even the best of them. They’ll do everything in their power to continue seeing their favorite courtesan, who probably has anywhere from four to a dozen patrons beside himself. But let his wife try to take even a single lover, and suddenly he wants nothing more to do with her.”

“That’s probably because they think they own their wives,” Tamma said, then gestured away the whole idea. “But maybe that’s why I’ve lost interest. Once you ‘belong’ to a man he starts to see you as a possession, and I have no intention of being anyone’s possession ever again.”

“You haven’t lost interest, and not all men are like that,” Jovvi disagreed again, but gently and without the amusement. “Vallant would probably be one of the exceptions, but I think you’re too afraid to find out. If you had let him stand beside you and support you when your father brought that girl to the house, you wouldn’t have been embarrassed. But then you would have had to face the start of a serious relationship with Vallant, and you can’t cope with something that new and that far beyond your experience. You decided to use anger to free yourself from a terrifying situation, which in this instance
does
make you a coward.”

“I told you I was one,” she muttered, misery radiating from her slender body, but then she made the effort to square her shoulders. “And since there’s no argument about it, I might as well admit that his interest scares me silly. I don’t know how to deal with it, Jovvi, even if it made me feel like a carefree child at first. I hadn’t realized how … complex a relationship with a man can be, so I’m much better off not being involved at all.”

“There are times when we have to force ourselves to do the right thing,” Jovvi told her, feeling the strength of the girl’s resolve with a sinking sensation. “Very often we’re wise to back away from something we know we can’t handle, but not all the time. In situations like this, where you can gain so much, you have to force yourself to take the chance. And what if he decides not to let you ignore him? He won’t hurt you, I know that for a fact, but men can be such incredible
pests
when they put their mind to it…”

“But Jovvi, I just earned six masteries in Fire magic,” Tamma countered reasonably. “Even if he
were
the sort to hurt me, what could he possibly do?”

Jovvi parted her lips to answer that question, then discovered that she couldn’t, not in just a few words. It took a greater knowledge of normal men than Tamma had, but she did have to give one example.

“Well … suppose he decides to do something completely innocuous, like follow you around,” Jovvi finally suggested. “He’s not threatening you, he’s not trying to touch you, and he’s not even trying to engage you in conversation. All he’s doing is following you around like a puppy, making cow eyes at you any time you glance at him. How are your masteries going to help you with
that
?”

“But that wouldn’t be fair!” Tamma protested, suddenly turning upset. “If he’s not trying to hurt me, how can I defend myself?”

“That’s the whole point,” Jovvi said slowly and clearly, knowing the girl was still having trouble understanding. “That’s the way a normal man might decide to pester, and you won’t be able to justify hurting him even to yourself. Or maybe especially to yourself. You have to handle the matter differently, in a much more reasonable way. Why don’t you take him aside and tell him the truth?”

“Do you really think that will make him stay away from me?” Tamma asked in turn, new hope in her eyes. “I hate it when he talks to me the way he did this morning, so sincerely and sounding so wounded. It made me want to comfort him, but I can’t afford to do that.”

“No, you can’t,” Jovvi agreed in a mutter, now almost as depressed as Tamma had been a moment ago. “And I said I’d tell you the truth, so I have to keep on with it. If you sit down and talk to him I
don’t
think he’ll leave you alone, especially not if he sees the way your eyes brighten at the thought of comforting him. He’ll know you’re just as interested in him as he is in you, and he’ll never give up trying to make you admit it.”

“As if admitting it would make a relationship easier and more possible,” Tamma said, her voice filled with weariness. “Then what am I going to do, Jovvi? If he starts to follow me around, I’ll probably have a screaming fit.”

“It’s possible I may join you in that,” Jovvi muttered again, then let the following silence tell Tamma she was out of ideas. She’d never had trouble turning away a man’s interest, but then she had a talent Tamma lacked. And she’d never been half in love with the men she turned away, and Tamma certainly was. And now, with Lorand, she was in the process of learning how difficult it was to dismiss certain men from your thoughts. Maybe Tamma would come up with something they could both use.

The rest of the ride went by too quietly, and from all the thinking Jovvi did there should have been the smell of burning wood. Tamma was obviously also thinking, but Jovvi had never seen a more unproductive time. Except, possibly, where their questions about the competitions were involved, and even those were being slowly answered.

When they pulled up to the residence with no sign of the coach the men had used, Jovvi hoped that was because she and Tamma had gotten home first. If not, and she ran into Lorand, there was an excellent chance that she would join Tamma in that screaming fit a lot sooner than either of them had expected…