Complete New Tales of Para Handy (36 page)

Para Handy paid no heed.

“ … but at the same time,” he continued, as if there had been no interruption, “he had the hert of a child and wass aalways happy to do a kindness to ony o' his fellow bein's wheneffer he had a chance: aalways anxious to introduce a ray of sunshine into a gloomy day and gi'e folk somethin' to enchoy at the time and talk aboot later. It wass that very spurit of goodwull that cost him his chob when he wass skipper on the
Vital Spark
.

“Wan time we wass lyin' at the Albert Harbour basin in Greenock waitin' for instructions from the owner. Jeck went ashore to go up to the telegraph office to see if there wass any message but ass he came oot onto the shore road he wass chust in time to see a smash between wan o' the Greenock to Gourock skoosh-caurs and a hackney cab. The caur had caught wan wheel o' the cab wi' its step-board ass it cam' roond the corner and though the horse, and the cab-man, wass chust fine, the passenger had been thrown onto the street and it wass clear the puir duvvle had broke his leg.

“He wass a ship's officer by his uniform so Jeck rushed over to see if he could help. It turned oot the man wass a Captain Fairlie, and he had been on his way to Princes Pier station to catch the Gleska train, for he wass to take ower next mornin' as a relief skipper on the
Lord of the Isles
. He wass pleased to see anither sailor and of course for aal he knew Jeck could have been master o' the
Oceanic,
no' chust a steam-lighter, he wass aalways so smertly turned oot.

“ ‘If ye could jist send a telegraph for me to the Inveraray Shuppin' Company's Gleska office and tell them whit's happened to me,' he asked Jeck anxiously ass he wass bein' strapped to a stretcher by the ambulance men, ‘I'd be mich obleeged. I'm no' wan o' the regular reliefs, in fact I wis engaged through their Greenock Agents so they only know me by reputation and I dinna want tae let them doon first time.'

“Jeck told him to relax, efferything would be chust fine, but ass soon ass the poor fellow wass off to the Infirmary he didna go near the telegraph office, he chust came back to the shup and told us he had to go to Gleska, the owner wanted to see him, but he'd be back the followin' night.

“If I had known whit wass goin' on I'd have told him no' to be sich a fool … ”

“And ye'd have been at the Unfirmary yersel', gettin' a lesson in emergency repairs o' the human anatomy resulting from an aggravated assault,” shouted Macphail from the engine-room.

“ … but nane o' us had ony idea whit wass whit, and so off he went. He spent the night wi' a kizzin o' his in Yoker and at half past six the next mornin' he presented himsel' on board the
Lord of the Isles
at the Brudge Wharf and let on his name wass Fairlie and that he wass the relief skipper.

“Naebody asked eechie or ochie aboot that at aal, he wass chust accepted ass bein' who he said he wass, for they wass aal expecting a new man and why should they jalouse that there wass shenannigans goin' on?

“Jeck wass in Paradise! He'd had plenty of high-jinks in the Hebrides two years earlier wi' Mr MacBrayne's
Flowerdale
, what wi' her twin screws and her cheneral mobility, but she wass ass an ageing cairthorse to a young thoroughbred compared wi' the
Lord of the Isles
, which wass less than a year old and chust at the height o' her powers! She wass one-third again ass big ass the
Flowerdale
, wi' enchines to match and, bein' a paddler, she wass chust ass lissom ass a greyhound and you could turn and spin her like a young gyurl dancin' the Gay Gordons!

“At 20 meenits past seven, Jeck gave the order to raise the gangplank, cast off the bow and stern ropes, and rang doon for half speed ahead, and off they went. The regulations on the river stopped him givin' her her heid till she wass past Clydebank, but then he whustled doon to the enchineers and promised them aal a dram from the first-class salong bar when they got to Inveraray if they made the trup in six hours, which wass 10 meenits less than her best time ever, and anither wan for effery extra five meenits they could knock off that!

“Jeck stayed on the brudge till efter they wass through the Kyles for they wass callin' in at maist o' the piers and he wanted to be sure they were in good trum on each occasion, but wance they had cast off from Tighnabruaich, wi' the next stop no' till Crarae, he left the First Officer in cherge on the brudge and went into the Captain's day cabin. There he found some oh-de-colong and macassar oil belonging to the regular captain, spruced himself up, set his kep on three hairs, then went perambulating through the first-cless salongs and the dining room.

“You know how gallant Jeck aalways iss wi' the ladies, and he wass at his best form that day, bowin' to aal the young gyurls and sweepin' his kep off nearly to the ground in a gracious manner it wass a privilege to behold, givin' the grups to their faithers, and kissin' the backs o' their mithers' hands ass if they had been royalty.

“He wass a great success wi' aal the chentry on board and by the time the shup reached Inveraray — which she did in a record time o' chust under five hours and fufty meenits — the maist of them was wishin' they didna have to go ashore to choin the Chook on a shootin party, or trevel on up to Loch Awe for the fushin', but could chust bide aboard for the return trup to Gleska in sich distinguished hands and stylish company!

“It wass that return trup — and Jeck's fondness for fun and his pleasure in bringin' high-jinks to his fellow man, whateffer the cost to himsel' — that wass his doonfall!

“They left Inveraray right on time and, since Jeck knew fine that he daurna reach Brudge Wharf earlier than the printed schedule or there would be questions asked, he took things easy on the trup back through the Kyles and then on by Rothesay and Dunoon.

“Their last caal before the run up-river to Bridge Wharf wass at Greenock Princes Pier, which wass chust a couple of hundred yerds from the basin at Albert Harbour where we wass waitin' for the man to return from Gleska where, you'll mind, we thought he wass in confabulation wi' the owner.

“Jeck chust couldna resist it. Ass he said to me after it wass aal over, ‘Peter, I had to show ye whit wis whit, and let ye join in the fun! It would have been a poor hert that couldna rejoice and share the spree that wass on, given whit I had at my haun's that day!'

“What he did — instead of headin' oot into the up-river channel when he cast off from Princes Pier — wass to bring the
Lord of the Isles
through the narrow entrance into Albert Harbour at ass good a speed ass he could get up, and then throw her into full astern. By jinkin' from ahead to astern wi' the helm hard over he spun her roond in a tight pirouette not chust the wance but no less than three times in the muddle of the dock, whiles he wass oot on the brudge wing wi' the steam-whustle lanyard in his hands, givin us aal a cheery wave and blastin' oot on the shup's whustle like the early mornin' hooter at Singers's!

“You can imachine that the officers and crew, neffer mind the passengers, were taken aback wi' this: there wass somethin' of a commotion aboard the shup: and there wass proper uproar on the quayside ass well.

“The out-turn wass that somebody telegraphed the shup's owners in Gleska and when Jeck docked her at Brudge Wharf — which he did bang on time, and ass nice ass ninepence, like efferything else he did — the polis wass waitin' wi' the Directors o' the Company, and it wass the high chump for Jeck.

“ ‘My fault entirely, Peter,' he said when we met up the next day efter he'd been let oot on bail. ‘If I had chust taken her up to Gleska and then disappeared, naebody would have been ony the wiser about who took Fairlie's place and there would have been no trouble at aal. That wass what I meant to do. But when it came to it, there wass no way I wassna goin' to share it wi' you! I'd been given the very best toy and the very biggest toy I ever had to play wi' in my whole life, so I chust had to let my oldest friend get at least a flavour o' the sheer joy and happiness of bein' a bairn again!'

“So that wass how Jeck took a tumble, and how I got the command of the shup, for the owner sacked him on the spot.

“But I wush it had never happened that way, for Jeck didna deserve such a fate when aal he wass tryin' to do, as aal he ever tries to do, wass to bring some sunshine into the lives of his fellow men.”

F
ACTNOTE

Two Clyde steamers carried the name
Lord of the Isles
. The first was launched from D&W Henderson's Meadowside Yard in 1877 for the Glasgow & Inveraray Steamboat Company Ltd. She was from the first locked in rivalry with the
Columba
and that has been well-captured in John Nicholson's dramatic painting of the race between them.

It was something of a shock when the Company sold the paddler to English owners just 13 years later, in the autumn of 1890, and though she was replaced by the launch the following Spring of the second
Lord of the Isles
from the same builders it still remains a little mysterious that the changeover took place when it did.

The two ships were almost identical in dimensions, the second being just nine feet longer at 245ft: had similar machinery, though of slightly greater power in the ‘new'
Lord
, giving her marginally more speed and (with a newly-developed steam steering gear in place) greater manoeuvrability: and they were of broadly the same appearance.

The main difference, and probable reason for the change, was that the saloons on the new ship ran the full width of her hull and thus gave significantly enhanced passenger space. As she had to compete with the
Columba
, whose onboard facilities were legendary, this may have been the logic behind the whole project, for the
Lord of the Isles
on the Inveraray run and her great rival on the Ardrishaig run were catering for the wealthy tourist, not the Scottish working class family on holiday.

Hurricane Jack's imaginary ‘day out' is set in 1892: and the ship really did change hands — twice: firstly in 1909 when she was sold to the Lochgoil and Inveraray Steamship Co: and again in 1912 when they went out of business and the ship was bought by the pioneers of the new generation of civil marine power not just on the Clyde but worldwide, Turbine Steamers Ltd, who had come into being to operate the then brand-new
King Edward
just 11 years earlier.

Paddlers were, generally speaking, more manoeuvrable than their screw-steamer sisters, particularly in a confined space, partly thanks to a significantly shallower draft which allowed them to be ‘spun' rather more easily through the resistance of the water: partly because the larger surfaces of the paddle-blades could more quickly bring the vessel to a standstill and get her moving again in the opposite direction.

And yes, I have grossly exaggerated their sprightliness but as any storyteller might claim, a tall tale should be a tall tale!

31

Pushing the Boat Out

T
he possession of a sturdy, seaworthy dinghy of one sort or another is an essential prerequisite on board a steam-lighter. There are occasions when the vessel must anchor off outlying communities where either there is no jetty at all, or else such facility as does exist is too small and in waters too shallow to allow the parent puffer to berth: thus if the crew are in need of provisions, or a refreshment, the puffer's dinghy is their sole means of communication with the shore.

I am sorry to have to place on record, though, that in the case of the
Vital Spark
the role of its dinghy is frequently a more nefarious one, for no other vessel in the coasting trade on the west coast has a more infamous reputation for the poaching activities of its crew.

Neither her Captain nor any of his shipmates have yet featured in the case-lists at any of the District or Sheriff Courts in the West Highlands, nor have their misdeeds been recounted in the columns of the
Oban Times
,
Campbeltown Courier
or
Argyllshire Standard
. But nobody who knows the
Vital Spark
can be under any mis-apprehension about the nature or purpose of the night-time excursions of her crew when salmon and sea-trout are running in the mouths of the Aray or the Shira, the Ruel or the Eachaig, or any other of a dozen rivers in reach of wherever the puffer happens to be lying overnight.

I previously recounted an earlier incident in which Para Handy was forced to abandon the puffer's dinghy to the water bailiffs in order to make his escape back to the ship and I am afraid that this was not an isolated occurrence. On two further occasions the Captain has had to make this ultimate sacrifice in order to preserve (at least in official quarters) his own reputation, and that of the
Vital Spark
as well.

While not exactly condoning the activity which has led to such avoiding action being required, I admit to a certain sneaking sympathy with the Captain, for surely there are more salmon in their waters than the Duke or the Marquess or the Earl and their households could ever consume, and many Scotsmen would regard their freedom to take a stag from the hill or a fish from the river as an inviolable, inherited right.

The whole subject was brought to mind again last month. I was in St Catherines, bound for Inveraray, having come through Cowal on the ‘overland' route by way of Loch Eck, and had an hour to pass before the next posted passage of the sturdy skiff which provides a periodic ferry service across Loch Fyne to the Campbell capital from that village. A poster advertising a displenishing sale at an adjacent farm caught my eye and when I wandered into the yard where various items for auction were on display, I was surprised to encounter Para Handy himself.

“Boats,” said that mariner in answer to my enquiry as to what he might have his eye on at the sale. “Chust boats. I am afraid we had a bit of a calamity last weekend at Loch Gair, and the shup iss withoot a dinghy again.”