Complete Works of Rudyard Kipling (Illustrated) (648 page)

‘S,’ said I to humour him, for a dog would most likely be standing or sitting, or may be scratching or sniffling or staring.

‘Q,’ he went on, and I could feel the heat of his shaking hand.

‘U,’ said I. There was no other letter possible; but I was shaking too.

‘I.’

‘N.’

‘T-i-n-g,’ he ran out. ‘There! That proves it. I knew you knew him. You don’t know what a relief that is. Between ourselves, old man, he — he’s been turning up lately a — a damn sight more often than I cared for. And a squinting dog — a dog that squints! I mean that’s a bit
too
much. Eh? What?’ He gulped and half rose, and I thought that the full tide of delirium would be on him in another sentence.

‘Not a bit of it,’ I said as a last chance, with my hand over the bellpush. ‘Why, you’ve just proved that I know him; so there are two of us in the game, anyhow.’

‘By Jove! that
is
an idea! Of course there are. I knew you’d see me through. We’ll defeat them yet. Hi, pup!... He’s gone. Absolutely disappeared!’ He sighed with relief, and I caught the lucky moment.

‘Good business! I expect he only came to have a look at me,’ I said. ‘Now, get this drink down and turn in to the lower bunk.’

He obeyed, protesting that he could not inconvenience me, and in the midst of apologies sank into a dead sleep. I expected a wakeful night, having a certain amount to think over; but no sooner had I scrambled into the top bunk than sleep came on me like a wave from the other side of the world.

In the morning there were apologies, which we got over at breakfast before our party were about.

‘I suppose — after this — well, I don’t blame you. I’m rather a lonely chap, though.’ His eyes lifted dog-like across the table.

‘Shend,’ I replied, ‘I’m not running a Sunday school. You’re coming home with me in my car as soon as we land.’

‘That is kind of you — kinder than you think.’

‘That’s because you’re a little jumpy still. Now, I don’t want to mix up in your private affairs — ’

‘But I’d like you to,’ he interrupted.

‘Then, would you mind telling me the Christian name of a girl who was insulted by a man called Clements?’

‘Moira,’ he whispered; and just then Mrs. Godfrey and Milly came to table with their shore-going hats on.

We did not tie up till noon, but the faithful Leggatt had intrigued his way down to the dock-edge, and beside him sat Malachi, wearing his collar of gold, or Leggatt makes it look so, as eloquent as Demosthenes. Shend flinched a little when he saw him. We packed Mrs. Godfrey and Milly into Attley’s car — they were going with him to Mittleham, of course — and drew clear across the railway lines to find England all lit and perfumed for spring. Shend sighed with happiness.

‘D’you know,’ he said, ‘if — if you’d chucked me — I should have gone down to my cabin after breakfast and cut my throat. And now — it’s like a dream — a good dream, you know.’

We lunched with the other three at Romsey. Then I sat in front for a little while to talk to my Malachi. When I looked back, Shend was solidly asleep, and stayed so for the next two hours, while Leggatt chased Attley’s fat Daimler along the green-speckled hedges. He woke up when we said good-bye at Mittleham, with promises to meet again very soon.

‘And I hope,’ said Mrs. Godfrey, ‘that everything pleasant will happen to you.’

‘Heaps and heaps — all at once,’ cried long, weak Milly, waving her wet handkerchief.

‘I’ve just got to look in at a house near here for a minute to inquire about a dog,’ I said, ‘and then we will go home.’

‘I used to know this part of the world,’ he replied, and said no more till Leggatt shot past the lodge at the Sichliffes’s gate. Then I heard him gasp.

Miss Sichliffe, in a green waterproof, an orange jersey, and a pinkish leather hat, was working on a bulb-border. She straightened herself as the car stopped, and breathed hard. Shend got out and walked towards her. They shook hands, turned round together, and went into the house. Then the dog Harvey pranced out corkily from under the lee of a bench. Malachi, with one joyous swoop, fell on him as an enemy and an equal. Harvey, for his part, freed from all burden whatsoever except the obvious duty of a man-dog on his own ground, met Malachi without reserve or remorse, and with six months’ additional growth to come and go on.

‘Don’t check ‘em!’ cried Leggatt, dancing round the flurry. ‘They’ve both been saving up for each other all this time. It’ll do ‘em worlds of good.’

‘Leggatt,’ I said, ‘will you take Mr. Shend’s bag and suitcase up to the house and put them down just inside the door? Then we will go on.’

So I enjoyed the finish alone. It was a dead heat, and they licked each other’s jaws in amity till Harvey, one imploring eye on me, leaped into the front seat, and Malachi backed his appeal. It was theft, but I took him, and we talked all the way home of r-rats and r-rabbits and bones and baths and the other basic facts of life. That evening after dinner they slept before the fire, with their warm chins across the hollows of my ankles — to each chin an ankle — till I kicked them upstairs to bed.

I was not at Mittleham when she came over to announce her engagement, but I heard of it when Mrs. Godfrey and Attley came, forty miles an hour, over to me, and Mrs. Godfrey called me names of the worst for suppression of information.

‘As long as it wasn’t me, I don’t care,’ said Attley.

‘I believe you knew it all along,’ Mrs. Godfrey repeated. ‘Else what made you drive that man literally into her arms?’

‘To ask after the dog Harvey,’ I replied.

‘Then, what’s the beast doing here?’ Attley demanded, for Malachi and the dog Harvey were deep in a council of the family with Bettina, who was being out-argued.

‘Oh, Harvey seemed to think himself
de trop
where he was,’ I said. ‘And she hasn’t sent after him. You’d better save Bettina before they kill her.’

‘There’s been enough lying about that dog,’ said Mrs. Godfrey to me. ‘If he wasn’t born in lies, he was baptized in ‘em. D’you know why she called him Harvey? It only occurred to me in those dreadful days when I was ill, and one can’t keep from thinking, and thinks everything. D’you know your Boswell? What did Johnson say about Hervey — with an e?’

‘Oh,
that’s
it, is it?’ I cried incautiously. ‘That was why I ought to have verified my quotations. The spelling defeated me. Wait a moment, and it will come back. Johnson said: “He was a vicious man,”‘ I began.

‘“But very kind to me,”‘ Mrs. Godfrey prompted. Then, both together, ‘“If you call a dog Hervey, I shall love him.”‘

‘So you
were
mixed up in it. At any rate, you had your suspicions from the first? Tell me,’ she said.

‘Ella,’ I said, ‘I don’t know anything rational or reasonable about any of it. It was all — all woman-work, and it scared me horribly.’

‘Why?’ she asked.

That was six years ago. I have written this tale to let her know — wherever she may be.

THE COMFORTERS

Until thy feet have trod the Road

Advise not wayside folk,

Nor till thy back has borne the Load

Break in upon the Broke.

Chase not with undesired largesse

Of sympathy the heart

Which, knowing her own bitterness,

Presumes to dwell apart.

Employ not that glad hand to raise

The God-forgotten head

To Heaven, and all the neighbours’ gaze —

Cover thy mouth instead.

The quivering chin, the bitten lip,

The cold and sweating brow,

Later may yearn for fellowship —

Not now, you ass, not now!

Time, not thy ne’er so timely speech,

Life, not thy views thereon,

Shall furnish or deny to each

His consolation.

Or, if impelled to interfere,

Exhort, uplift, advise,

Lend not a base, betraying ear

To all the victim’s cries.

Only the Lord can understand

When those first pangs begin,

How much is reflex action and

How much is really sin.

E’en from good words thyself refrain,

And tremblingly admit

There is no anodyne for pain

Except the shock of it.

So, when thine own dark hour shall fall,

Unchallenged canst thou say:

‘I never worried
you
at all,

For God’s sake go away!’

The Village that Voted the Earth was Flat

(1913)

Our drive till then had been quite a success. The other men in the car were my friend Woodhouse, young Ollyett, a distant connection of his, and Pallant, the M.P. Woodhouse’s business was the treatment and cure of sick journals. He knew by instinct the precise moment in a newspaper’s life when the impetus of past good management is exhausted and it fetches up on the dead-centre between slow and expensive collapse and the new start which can be given by gold injections — and genius. He was wisely ignorant of journalism; but when he stooped on a carcase there was sure to be meat. He had that week added a half-dead, halfpenny evening paper to his collection, which consisted of a prosperous London daily, one provincial ditto, and a limp-bodied weekly of commercial leanings. He had also, that very hour, planted me with a large block of the evening paper’s common shares, and was explaining the whole art of editorship to Ollyett, a young man three years from Oxford, with coir-matting-coloured hair and a face harshly modelled by harsh experiences, who, I understood, was assisting in the new venture. Pallant, the long, wrinkled M.P., whose voice is more like a crane’s than a peacock’s, took no shares, but gave us all advice.

‘You’ll find it rather a knacker’s yard,’ Woodhouse was saying. ‘Yes, I know they call me The Knacker; but it will pay inside a year. All my papers do. I’ve only one motto: Back your luck and back your staff. It’ll come out all right.’

Then the car stopped, and a policeman asked our names and addresses for exceeding the speed-limit. We pointed out that the road ran absolutely straight for half a mile ahead without even a side-lane. ‘That’s just what we depend on,’ said the policeman unpleasantly.

‘The usual swindle,’ said Woodhouse under his breath. ‘What’s the name of this place?’

‘Huckley,’ said the policeman. ‘H-u-c-k-l-e-y,’ and wrote something in his note-book at which young Ollyett protested. A large red man on a grey horse who had been watching us from the other side of the hedge shouted an order we could not catch. The policeman laid his hand on the rim of the right driving-door (Woodhouse carries his spare tyres aft), and it closed on the button of the electric horn. The grey horse at once bolted, and we could hear the rider swearing all across the landscape.

‘Damn it, man, you’ve got your silly fist on it! Take it off!’ Woodhouse shouted.

‘Ho!’ said the constable, looking carefully at his fingers as though we had trapped them. ‘That won’t do you any good either,’ and he wrote once more in his note-book before he allowed us to go.

This was Woodhouse’s first brush with motor law, and since I expected no ill consequences to myself, I pointed out that it was very serious. I took the same view myself when in due time I found that I, too, was summonsed on charges ranging from the use of obscene language to endangering traffic.

Judgment was done in a little pale-yellow market-town with a small, Jubilee clock-tower and a large corn-exchange. Woodhouse drove us there in his car. Pallant, who had not been included in the summons, came with us as moral support. While we waited outside, the fat man on the grey horse rode up and entered into loud talk with his brother magistrates. He said to one of them — for I took the trouble to note it down — ’It falls away from my lodge-gates, dead straight, three-quarters of a mile. I’d defy any one to resist it. We rooked seventy pounds out of ‘em last month. No car can resist the temptation. You ought to have one your side the county, Mike. They simply can’t resist it.’

‘Whew!’ said Woodhouse. ‘We’re in for trouble. Don’t you say a word — or Ollyett either! I’ll pay the fines and we’ll get it over as soon as possible. Where’s Pallant?’

‘At the back of the court somewhere,’ said Ollyett. ‘I saw him slip in just now.’

The fat man then took his seat on the Bench, of which he was chairman, and I gathered from a bystander that his name was Sir Thomas Ingell, Bart., M.P., of Ingell Park, Huckley. He began with an allocution pitched in a tone that would have justified revolt throughout empires. Evidence, when the crowded little court did not drown it with applause, was given in the pauses of the address. They were all very proud of their Sir Thomas, and looked from him to us, wondering why we did not applaud too.