Confessions from the Principal's Chair (9 page)

"Yes, a letter. That would be good or an e-mail."

"Thank you, Madam Zelda. You have been extremely helpful." I was about to say good-bye when I remembered Katie's question. "Oh, there is one thing more."

"I am at your service," she said.

"Well, I have these friends. I used to be in a group with them. There were six of us, and we called ourselves the Six-Pack, but I had to move. Now they need a new member, and they were wondering if Emily or Beth would make the best replacement for me."

"Ah, and this group, they were all your true friends?"

I thought about lying, but if Madam Zelda was for real, she would know I was lying. If she was a fake, then I couldn't believe what she had said about Kash. "Not really, I guess. Katie is probably my only real friend in the group."

"Then why do you seek answers for them? Madam Zelda sees that this group is not a force for good. Tell your friend Katie to remove herself from the Six-Pack rather than seeking a replacement for you. You and the others, though young, are obviously too old to be acting like a bunch of ridiculous middle school girls!"

"I'll tell Katie. Thank you, Madam Zelda. Thank you very much." I hung up the phone and leaned back in my principal's chair. On TV, Victoria was bursting into the room to find Lila and Jeff kissing each other, but I couldn't get my mind on the program. I had too much to think about. Should I write Kash a note now? Of course, he wouldn't want to be involved with the principal. He might even tell someone who would get me in big trouble. I could tell him the truth, but how do I know he wouldn't tell someone what was going on? I did want my two days in the office. The whole thing was really cool, and I did want to do something for Serenity. I was so deep in thought that when the phone rang, I jumped.

The white light was flashing. I pulled myself up straight in my chair to get back into character, and reached for the phone. "Yes, Mrs. Simpson, what is it?"

"It's about your lunch. I figured you might not want to tackle the lunchroom food on your first day, so I ordered out for us both. There's a place here in town that makes burritos on Mondays as their special, wonderful burritos, all covered with tomatoes. They are really good. It's my treat, sort of a welcoming present. Of course, if you don't like burritos, I am sure I can find a student who will eat yours. They should be here any minute. Does that sound good to you?"

A burrito did sound good. Usually I ate breakfast, and my stomach was starting to rumble with hunger. "Sounds great! Thank you, Mrs. Simpson."

"Good, and I want you to call me Nancy. I know I'm older than you are, but I'd feel more comfortable if you would use my first name."

Maybe I'd been wrong to think she didn't approve of me. "Thank you, Nancy."

"All right then. I'll give you a buzz when our food comes."

I went back to thinking about Kash. I started one note to him with, "I am not really the principal, but please do not tell anyone. I am actually in the eighth grade, just like you. I think you are incredibly handsome. If you decide we should go together, you can help me run the school until Wednesday." I stopped. I didn't want to promise Kash stuff like helping me run the school. If I did that, I wouldn't know if he really liked me or if he was just saying he did to get in on the fun. Besides, how could I let him help me run the school? I couldn't tell Mrs. Simpson that I was keeping the boy out of class all day just because I liked to look at him.

I was thinking maybe I would call Madam Zelda back, level with her about what I was doing, and ask if I should tell Kash. Then I started to wonder if the Psychic Emergency Line had to report crimes they heard about. Maybe they had some kind of deal like that with the police. I sure didn't want to be found out before Wednesday. After that, I would take my punishment, but I wanted every possible minute as the head of Thomas Jefferson Middle School.

Just then the phone rang, and the white light flashed. "Hannah Felder is here wanting to talk to you. She's the president of our Student Council. I told her you were busy, but she wants to know when she can come back to talk about some project for the council."

"Hum," I stalled. It might be good to talk to another kid. Maybe I could get some helpful information about Serenity or even Kash. "No, it is absolutely all right to send her in. Nothing is more important to me than communicating with the students." Before I had replaced the phone, the door opened, and a pretty girl sort of bounced into my office. "Come in, Hannah," I said, but she was already sitting down across from me.

"Hello," she said. "I'm awful glad you are here. I'm the Student Council president, and we've been wanting to have an all-school project, sort of pull us all together. The thing is, though, everyone said we had to wait until we got a principal."

Hannah had big brown eyes and a smile like you might see on a toothpaste commercial. She seemed so full of energy that I sort of expected her to jump up and down in the chair.

I had known girls like Hannah back in Denver. "I'll bet you're not just the Student Council president. I'll bet you are a cheerleader." The surprised look on Hannah's face told me I was right, but I added, "Am I correct?"

"You are. That's awesome! You are real smart. I don't think Mr. Lawrence would have been able to guess that, if he didn't know me, I mean."

"Well," I said. "It wasn't so long ago that I was a middle school girl myself."

Hannah flashed me a smile. "I'm thinking it would be so cool if Thomas Jefferson got in the book of
World-Wide Records."

"He's probably already in there for being the most famous person to mistreat slaves."

"Huh?" she said, then she caught on. "Oh, you mean the man, but I was talking about our school, us." She waved her arms to indicate she meant the whole school.

"What do you have in mind?"

"We wanted to do a water balloon fight, but some college had one with 5,214 balloons." She sighed deeply. "I don't believe we can beat that, do you?" I opened my mouth to agree, but she didn't wait. "So I want to try palindromes!"

I had heard the word, but I couldn't remember what it meant. "Tell me about it," I said, but Hannah was no bubble brain.

"You know what a palindrome is, don't you?"

I was about to lie and say I did when Hannah went on. "Oh, that's all right. My mother forgets things a lot too. She says it's her age."

I gave Hannah a dirty look. I mean, I wanted to seem old enough to be out of school and everything, but I didn't want to be identified with somebody's mother. "I am sure your mother is a good deal older than I am, Hannah," I said.

She shrugged. "Whatever, but let me tell you about the palindrome project." She talked fast now, so fast that I had to really focus on her words to stay up. "Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you. A palindrome is a word or phrase you can spell backward and have it stay the same word, you know like my name, Hannah, or noon. Well anyway, I thought we could have the whole school make lists of palindromes, like at the same time. Then we could take all the lists and see how many different words we came up with. The thing is, I looked up the rules." She waved a piece of paper that I supposed contained the rules. "We've got to make an application to the book before we do our project. They have to decide if they are interested in the most palindromes listed by a school." She stopped talking suddenly and stared at me, waiting, I realized, for a comment from me.

"Umm," I said.

She started again, like a freight train getting up speed. "Well, it's a good idea, don't you think? I was pretty sure you would love the idea because it's educational and all, dealing with words. I mean a water balloon fight would have been more fun for us, students, teachers, even the cafeteria workers, but they had more than four hundred people and all those balloons. Besides my friend Julie, who is also on the Student Council, said no middle school principal would ever go for that." She stopped again and looked at me. When I didn't say anything, she started again fast. "So if it's okay, I'll fill out the application for palindromes." She pulled a piece of paper from her purse. "I've started my list. You don't think that is cheating, do you? Want to hear what I have so far?" She did not give me a chance to answer. "Peep, Bob, deed, level, did, mom, dad, sis, Anna, Nan, tot, noon. I mentioned that one already, and nun."

She slowed down enough for me to speak quickly. "That's wonderful, Hannah, but I am thinking about the water balloon fight. It might be something the council would like to do just for fun, as a sort of unifying activity."

She jumped from her chair, arms above her head, and I thought she was about to break into a cheer. "No Way!" she shouted. "That's so cool. When? When can we have the fight?"

All through Hannah's palindrome list, I had been planning the water balloon thing. It would be an awesome way to end my last day as principal. "Tomorrow," I said, "last period. I'll make the announcement after lunch. No one will be forced to join, of course, but everyone will be encouraged to participate for school spirit."

"You're wonderful!" Hannah was beginning to bounce toward the door. "We'll have it out behind the school, don't you think, you know where the grass is? We can use Student Council funds to buy the balloons. I'll get Mom to drive us to Ponca City to Big-Mart. Oh, Ms. Miller, I don't want to sound glad that Mr. Lawrence got sick or anything, but I'm like real glad you are here!"

With a deep sigh, I fell back into my chair. I had totally forgotten to ask Hannah about Serenity. Oh, well, I wasn't sure I could have directed Hannah to any topic she didn't have on her mind. Hannah was not easy to lead. I had just a minute to rest before Mrs. Simpson called to say our burritos had arrived. "I'll be right out," I said. I hurried to the door, flung it open, and stared right into the face of Angie, the waitress from City Café.

Chapter 7

N
ancy Simpson was busy digging into her purse for money, and Angie was waiting patiently. I wanted to go back into my office and slam the door, but I knew Angie had already seen me. I had to hope she wouldn't recognize me dressed like a principal, but she was staring at me while she chewed her gum.

"Smells wonderful," I said.

Angie didn't take her eyes off my face, just kept popping her gum and looking at me even when Nancy said, "Oh here it is. I knew I had a ten in here somewhere." She leaned across to hold the money out. "Keep the change, dear," she said, and then she looked up at Angie. I guess she noticed how Angie was staring at me. "Oh," she said, "You must be wondering who this is. We have Ms. Miller filling in for us until Mr. Lawrence can come back." Nancy turned her chair to look at me. "Ms. Miller, this is one of our former students, Angie Bradford. She just graduated from high school last spring, and now here she is bringing our lunch to us."

"I am glad to meet you, Angie," I said, and I held my breath.

She stepped away from Nancy's desk to be closer to me. She twisted her face and studied me. "You look familiar to me," she said.

I inched back toward the open office door even though I didn't yet have my burrito, and my stomach was growling. "I guess I have the same face a lot of people have, not very unusual," I said.

Angie shook her head. "Naw, it's more than that. I know I've seen you. You ever been in Judy's place?"

"Maybe," I said. "I'm not sure what cafes I've been in here."

"You been in a cafe in Prairie Dog Town, you been in Judy's. We're the only eating place in town 'cept the drive in."

"Umm," I said. It was a comment I have noticed that adults use a lot when they don't want to talk about something. All that inching had gotten me back to the open doorway. "I have lots of work to do," I stepped inside and started to close the door.

"Wait," said Nancy Simpson. " Your burrito. Here, Angie, will you take this to Ms. Miller?"

I moved quickly to get behind my desk. Maybe I would look more principal-like there, or maybe I should get down and hide in the space where my knees were supposed to go. I kept my head down, pretending to study Serenity's file that was still on my desk. "Thank you," I muttered when Angie placed the burrito on my desk. She did not leave my office, just stood there staring at me and chomping that gum.

"It really bugs me when I can't think why I know someone." She crossed her arms, and I had the feeling she planned to stay there in my office until she came up with the answer.

"Thank you again, Angie," I said, "but I'm afraid I need to get back to work. Will you please close the door on your way out?"

"No," she said, "I can't."

The girl was refusing to leave the principal's office! What nerve! I decided to yell at her, but before I could do it, she started talking again.

"I can't leave till I get your cup of ice tea. It's still on Mrs. Simpson's desk."

I sighed with relief. "Oh, yes, my drink." I got up and went to the door just as Angie walked out of my office. I closed the door behind her, but I stuck out my arm.

"You don't need to bother with coming back in. Just hand me the tea." I waved my arm until I felt the cup in my hand. Then I yelled. "And stop chewing that gum, Angie." I closed the door and leaned against it.

"She's kind of funny acting, ain't she?" I heard Angie say through the door.

Nancy didn't talk as loud as Angie. I cracked the door a little to hear her say, "She's just young. Being a principal at her age must be scary. She's never even taught, just got her master's degree in administration."

"Oh," said Angie. "She going to be here all the time now?"

"No, Mr. Lawrence will be coming back. I imagine Ms. Miller will need to teach for a while before she can get a full-time job as principal."

"She'd be kind of pretty if she knew how to dress," Angie said. "'Course, she'd have to do something with that hair too. She sure does look familiar, though."

I made a face at Miss Fashion Critic, but I did it behind the door. Next I turned on the TV. I wanted to find something to watch while I ate. My choices were soap operas and news. I settled on
Specific Hospital,
the soap that came on after
All My Secrets.
I didn't know anything at all about the plot, but it didn't take long to catch on. A character named Mariah was being arrested for murder. It didn't look good for her because she had previously been blackmailed by Brad, the dead man. I got kind of interested while I ate. My burrito tasted really great. I licked my fingers when I finished. That's when a knock sounded on my door, and before I could say anything a man came bursting into my office.

He wore gym shorts and had a whistle around his neck. He nodded to me. "Hi, I'm Coach Pickle, Bill Pickle, actually. Can you imagine anyone with the name of Pickle calling their child Bill? I guess it was meant to make me tough, kind of like that 'Boy Named Sue' song." He must have seen from my face that I didn't know what he was talking about. "Remember, the old Johnny Cash song where a boy's dad names him Sue so he will learn to fight?"

I nodded even though I had no idea what he was talking about, and he plopped down in the chair. His eyes went toward the TV "
Specific Hospital!
Great! I love this show. Why is Mariah being arrested?"

I explained about the murder charge. The coach shook his head. "She didn't do it," he said. "I know Mariah too well to believe that!"

I told him that I could see she seemed too nice, and for a while we just watched. I felt a little funny at first, but then I could see that Coach Pickle was really enjoying himself even during the commercials. He explained to me that this was his preparation period. "I'm not leaving a class unsupervised," he said.

One of the sponsors of the show was the Psychic Emergency Line, and I told him that I had used their services. When the program was over, he turned his chair back to face me. "Hannah Felder is telling all around school that you are letting Student Council plan a water balloon fight for tomorrow."

"That's right. I am going to make an announcement about it in a few minutes." I drew myself up, ready for a fight. "Do you think it's a bad idea?"

I was relieved when he shook his head. "No objection here," he said. "Of course some of the others may complain. You know we have some real stuffed shirts teaching here. Some of these teachers assign a lot of homework too. Me? I think we need to leave the homework to the schools in foreign countries."

I smiled at him. "Glad to hear we think alike," I said, and I hoped again that I'd get in Coach Pickle's class when I became a student.

He stood up. "Just wanted to know if the balloon fight was really going to come down. I might give my boys some tips on water balloons in the gym this afternoon." He sort of leaned across the desk, closer to me. "Rumor is that you're single," he said. "That true too?"

We were getting on shaky ground. I nodded.

"Me too," he said. "There aren't many of us singles in Prairie Dog Town. Maybe we could take in a movie or something over at Ponca one of these days."

I stared at him. The man was at least forty! "No," I shoc'k my head, "not me. My mother, though, she might go out with you."

"Your mother!" He moved toward the door. "I'm not taking out the mother of anyone I work for." He went out the door shaking his head. I wondered if that meant he wouldn't be coming back tomorrow to watch
Specific Hospital
with me.

I wanted to spend more time with Serenity, but I didn't know what I could say to help her. I thought of asking Mrs. Simpson for advice, but that would not be good for the image I was working for. There was only one thing to do. I reached for the phone and dialed the Psychic Emergency Line. This time I asked for Madam Zelda right off.

"Hello, Bird," she said. "Still in the principal's office are you?"

"I am, but I have a problem you can help me with."

"Shoot," said Madam Zelda.

"Well, there's this girl, see. Her name is Serenity, but don't get the idea she is calm or anything." I thought Madam Zelda should be impressed that I knew the meaning of serene, but then I remembered that I was supposed to be this big-time principal. Principals usually know what the word means, although I can't say that I've ever seen one who was, serene, I mean. "Serenity makes things up, exaggerates all the time. I guess she does it for attention. Like, she said in history class this morning that Marilyn Monroe was her real mother."

"Impossible," said Madam Zelda.

"Right, which is exactly what one of the girls said. I guess she probably said a lot more than that it wasn't possible. She made some crack about how stupid Serenity is. There is a group of girls who pick on her all the time. Well, anyway Serenity pops the girl one, right there in math class, so of course, she ended up in the principal's office."

"With you?"

"Yeah, and I don't know what to say to Serenity. I really want to help her."

Madam Zelda made a sort of sad clucking sound with her tongue. "Tsk-tsk, have you ever thought, Bird, how middle school is like the
Titanic?
Otherwise nice people behave like savages, afraid someone will get on their life boat."

I was amazed. The woman could really read my mind. "I said just that same thing to Serenity this morning!"

"You did? I mean, of course, you did, but back to your question, how to help this poor child, Serenity." She started to make a sort of chanting sound, "Ommmm, let me get in touch with my inner knowledge."

I waited for what seemed like a long time. The line was quiet. "Madam," I said, "you are still there, aren't you?"

"I am, Bird. Madam will not desert you, not as long as your phone line stays open, but I am afraid this call is going to be expensive. Madam has to think."

"Oh, don't worry about the charges. The school will pay for them. What better thing for a principal to spend money on than expert advice on how to help a troubled kid."

"Well, yes, of course." She started the chanting sound again. Finally she spoke. "The girl needs confidence, Bird, confidence and a friend."

"Uh-huh," I said, "go on."

"Do you have anything on you, anything like a necklace or charm?"

My hand went to the chain I wore around my neck. It was inside my jacket, but at the end of that chain was my Six-Pack charm, the little can. "I do," I said. "I have a chain with a little charm on it."

"Very good. Give the necklace to Serenity. Tell her that each time she is teased she should touch the necklace. Tell her the charm is magic and will make her able to hold up her head and make it unnecessary for her to seek attention by exaggerating."

The old "this sword is magic and can slay dragons" tale. It sounded good in a story, but I didn't think Serenity would fall for it. I mean the girl wasn't stupid, well, not in most ways, anyway. "Is that all you've got, Madam?" I asked.

She made the sad tsk sound again. "It is, Bird, for right now at least, I am afraid it is. You could call Madam back tomorrow. Maybe I could do some looking tonight on the Internet."

"The Internet?" I was beginning to doubt Madam again.

"Yes," she said, "even we psychics have to use the information highway on occasion. You try the magic necklace thing and get back to me if it doesn't work."

"I don't know. I don't think Serenity will believe that story. Besides, that necklace is what the girls gave me when I became a member of the Six-Pack, you know the group I told you about."

"Ah, yes," said Madam, "that wonderful group where you had only one true friend."

I did not want to discuss the Six-Pack with Madam. In that way she was too much like my mother. "Well," I said, "I've got work to do, principal stuff and all."

"Before you hang up, let me ask about the young man, Kash, I believe you said his name is. Have you made any progress with Kash?"

"Not yet."

"Perhaps you should ask Kash to help you with Serenity. Ah yes! That's it. Ask Kash to help you and let him know you like him."

"Well, I don't know."

"You do as Madam Zelda says." She sounded sort of put out with me.

"Okay, I will. Oh, yeah, I need to know something about global warming."

"Madam Zelda is not in favor of global warming."

"What is it? Give me a short explanation, sort of in a nutshell."

"Madam Zelda cannot be expected to know everything. Look it up on the Internet."

"Right, the information highway."

As soon as I put down the phone, I did use the computer in my office to get on the Internet and learn about global warming. I didn't understand much, but I scribbled down some quick notes. I might not be able to impress Kash with my knowledge, but at least if I was ever in a beauty pageant, which wasn't likely, but if I was, I would have a cause to discuss. "I'm deeply concerned about global warming," I imagined myself saying, and I was certain the audience would applaud me.

The white light came on, and the phone rang. I wanted to tell Mrs. Simpson that I was busy learning about global warming, but I didn't. "Ms. Miller," she said. "I've had several teacher's get on the intercom to ask me if it is true that we are having a schoolwide water balloon fight tomorrow. It isn't, is it?"

I remembered Miss Deirdre. Think the thought, I told myself, and I started thinking what Principal Bird would be thinking. The kids are going to love this balloon stuff. The teachers aren't. Well, that's tough, the teachers have had their way plenty.

"Mrs. Simpson," I said, "I was just about to make an announcement about that very thing." I thought I sounded very principalish.

"You do remember how to use the PA system, don't you?" She sounded like I was an eighth-grader or something.

"I do, thank you Mrs. Simpson." I used her last name on purpose.

"So you are going to put a stop to this nonsense about water balloons, aren't you?"

"Thank you for your concern, Mrs. Simpson, but I am the principal. I will handle this." I said, and I hung up the phone, totally sure that outside my door was one very angry lady.