Control (32 page)

Trude
put the matches back into his pocket.
“
We would never want to hurt you.
”

“
No.
”

“
And I think it
’
s time for a little nap before your party, don
’
t you?
”

“
Yes.
”

“
Close those eyes. Gently. And sleep.
”

Billy Boy began breathing deeply.

Trude
took the animal and the baseball glove and went back to the chair. Then he signaled to the control room again and now the water sounds began to swell.

Billy Boy lay motionless except for the deepening breathing.

“
You
’
re one year old now, William. One year old and it
’
s your birthday and you
’
re hungry.
”

Billy Boy sucked his thumb.

“
You
’
re so hungry and I know what you want, I know just what you want, I know what you want more than anything else in the whole wide world.
”
He signaled again to the control room and this time a door slid silently open and the brown-haired nurse appeared. She moved silently to
Trude
, who took the prosthetic breast, felt the temperature making certain the milk inside was warm enough; then he squeezed it, checking the milk flow through the nipple. He nodded finally, the brown-haired nurse turned and moved back into the control room, and the door slid shut.

Trude
moved to the sleeping giant.
“
Oh, such a wonderful baby,
”
he said,
“
such a wonderful happy baby.
”
He tickled Billy Boy in the stomach.
“
Ahhhh-boo,
”
he said, as he wiggled his fingers.
“
Ahhhhhh-foa
“

Billy Boy shrieked with joy and kicked his feet.

“
Ahhhhh-toa
“

He rolled around, laughing and giggling and kicking his feet even higher in the air.

“
Such a happy wonderful baby.
”

Billy Boy sucked his thumb again.

Gently,
Trude
took the thumb away.

Billy Boy put it back.

The next time
Trude
took it away he put the breast nipple softly between Billy Boy
’
s lips. Billy Boy hesitated, then lifted his head toward the breast.
Trude
took the giant
’
s hands and cupped them round the prosthesis.
“
Good?
”
he asked.

“
Ummmmmmm.
”

“
Is it what you wanted more than anything else in the whole wide world?
”

“
Ummmmmmm.
”

“
I would never lie to you, not to a glorious wonderful child like you.
”

Billy Boy sucked at the breast, his jaws working, some dribbles of milk spilling down his chin.

Trude wiped them softly away.

“
Ummmmmmm.
”

“
Take your time; it
’
s all yours.
”

“
Umminmmmm.
”

Trude watched the giant suck the nipple. He signaled the control room and immediately he could sense the temperature in the room slowly start to rise. Not much. Just so that the environment was comforting, warm, perfect for sleep.

“
Ummmmmmm. Ummmmmmm.
”

Trude waited until there was no more milk. The nipple touched the lips but there was no more sucking. Trude got up, took the breast away, put it with the other toys.

Now deep breathing again, deeper than any before.

Trude touched the tips of his fingers to his eyes, pressing gently, trying to clear his mind of all distractions. He wished momentarily for steaming coffee, a gallon of it, but he knew he was nervous and delaying what he hoped was success but so often had been failure.

Silent prayer. Then he began to talk.

“
You
’
re ten months now, ten months, now six, now six, four months old, four months young, four peaceful months of life, now one, one month, now weeks before that, now days before the weeks, now you
’
re there, William, you
’
re in the womb and safe, you
’
re somewhere in the blessed moments between creation and birth, between creation and birth, you
’
re between creation and birth, William, tell me that you fully understand where you are, you
’
re between creation and birth, between creation and … and
…
say it.
”

The breathing ever deeper.

“
Say it.
”

No reply. Nothing. Just the enervating passage of time…….
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Waiting was always murderous for Trude. Nothing had come slowly for him all his life, nothing had ever taken time, ask a question, the answer came like that. So the waiting now, coupled with expectation, was brutal.

Trude began to talk again then, setting up more rhythms, sharper cadences in his voice.
“
Your first words, your first words, your first words, are hard. Your first words, your first words, your first words, bring fear. But no need for fear. No need for fear. You are in the one true safe place. You are in the safest place. Between birth and creation is the safest place. And the best place. The best place. The free place, William. The only free place. The only true free place, William, the freest place on earth, free is what you are, William, safe and free, safe and free, say that, for me William, say free, say free, s
ay it, say it, free, free, free
…
”

“
fruh
…

fruh
…

fruh
…
”

Trude had to fight the desire to prompt, to complete the word
“
free
”
but he had been at this before and knew he had to wait for the dead sound from the giant body to continue. And it was a dead sound. Slow and deep and there was no hint of emotion. Not yet
.
But as Trude looked at the other man, he could see, now, the first signs of perspiration beginning to spread across the enormous body.

“…free…”

“
Do you know what you
’
re free to do? Do you know what you
’
re free to do? Do you know what you
’
re free to do?
”

“…no…”

“
Such a wonderful thing, Such a splendid glorious thing, A magical thing.
”

“…mmmuh…magic…”

“
Yes. Magic. Yes. Special Magic. Magic for you alone.
”

Trude hesitated now because he knew that there was liable to be a reaction soon, and not a good one.
“
Magic for you alone. Magic only you can do.
Travel
.
”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Billy Boy lay with his eyes closed but now he was perspiring more heavily. And his body was commencing to tremble.

“
Travel.

Travel for joy.

Travel anywhere.

Anywhere your dear ones are.

Travel to your dear ones.

To your own and only beloveds.
”

“
huh
…

huh
…

hoo
…
?
”

“
You know who.

Whom do you care for?

Whom do you understand?

Understand completely?
”

“
…thuh…

…thuh…
…

theo
…

“
Yes, Theo.

Of course, Theo.

Ted, Theo, Theodore.

Theodore Duncan.
”

“
..
. theo
…

…
thuh
…

.
..
theo
……
is
…
… here … ?
”

“
Yes, Theo
’
s here.

Yes, and waiting.

On Gramercy.

Gramercy Park.

You on Sutton.

Theo on Gramercy.

Such a short trip.

Such a quick trip.

Such a joyous trip.
”

“
…
theo
…

…
theo
…

…
close …
”

“
A blink away.

A quick blink.

A blink to Theo.
”

Trude
watched, studying. The trembling was worse now, the en- ; tire body wet from perspiration, glistening and trembling.

“
…
fuh…

…
fuh
…

THEO
’
S FUCKING! FUCKING CHARLOTTE!
”

‘
Does he know you
’
re with him?
”

“…no…”

Trude
made his voice very gentle now.
“
Tell Theo … tell him not to be afraid.
‘
Don
’
t be afraid,
’
tell him.
”

“
…
don’t…

…be…

…afraid…”

“
That
’
s right, but Theo is the one you must give that information to, dear Theo, let Theo know not
to
be afr—
”

“
HE
’
S SCREAMING!
”

“
What?
”

“
SCREAMING

SCREAMING

‘
NOT AFRAID NOT AFRAID!
’”

“
Wi
lli
am
—
William listen to me—

you must listen to me—

he
’
s not afraid of you—

he doesn
’
t realize yet

he doesn
’
t know it
’
s you—

what do you know?—

what do you know that Theo knows—

what do only you and Theo know?
”

“…
bu
h
…

…buh…

…
bairn
…”

“
And what is that?
”

“…word…”

“
What does it mean?
”

“…buh…

…buh…

…baby…”

“
And only you and Theo know?
”

“…only…

…only…
”

“
Then let him know you know.

Say it
‘
Bairn.
’

Say
‘
Bairn.
’

Say
‘
Bairn
’
to Theo now.
”

“
HEARD WRONG.

HEARD
BUR
-
EN
.

HEARD
BURN
!
”

Trude
stared as the giant
’
s body began shaking with pain and terror—the water poured from him now and his giant hands were pressing at his temples—his knuckles were twisting and drilling at his temples.

“
…
FIGHTING
…

…
HURTING
…

…
CHARLOTTE
…

…
STRONGER…
”

Trude
spoke quickly, brought Billy Boy out, watched him jam his knuckles into his temples, signaled for a sedative, gave the murderous giant enough to make him sleep for a day. Then he went to his office and even before making another pot of coffee, he called Kilgore in Washington to pass on the triumphant news
…