Corps Security: The Series (138 page)

This is it. He’s going to reject me again.

I open my mouth to speak but snap it closed when he shifts his weight and drops down beside me. He doesn’t take me in his arms like I hoped, and with a heavy exhale, I settle in with the knowledge that what we just shared could be considered a mistake to him. And that thought is a killer.

He shifts his body, moving around as if he is unable to find the right position, and right when I’ve all but given up all hope, his strong arm reaches over before pulling me into his body. When his heat seeps into my chilled skin, I mentally cry out with relief.

“Em,” he implores. I can’t understand why he is saying my name with such a pleading tone. Almost like me, he can’t really wrap his mind around what just happened. “Tell me why you made me grab a condom.”

Well, that certainly wasn’t what I was anticipating.

“You know why, Maddox.” I pray that he doesn’t make me say it.

“Are you worried about it?” His fingers draw lazy circles against my shoulder as I think of the best way to express some of my darkest fears.

“You really know how to kill the moment, huh?” My joke falls flat and he remains silent—giving me the time I need to get out what needs to be said. “When Coop found me, before he brought me out to California, it was bad—real bad. The first thing I did was go to the doctor and get tested to make sure he hadn’t given me something. You don’t exactly expect your rapist to be exclusive to you. The tests all came back clean and I haven’t been with anyone else. Until two weeks ago, when I went back to Syn. He hasn’t touched me in almost two weeks and he wasn’t there tonight, so he wouldn’t have gotten to me then. But I won’t lie to you. He didn’t use protection the one time he took liberty with my body. So I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried.”

He doesn’t respond, but his fingers don’t stop their caress against my skin.

“I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if . . . I just couldn’t take that chance. Not with you.”

His arm tightens with my whispered words, and I close my eyes.

“There are things about me, things that I would rather you hear from my mouth before you see them for yourself. Things that I feel like you should know. I just don’t know how to put it all out there for you, Em.”

His rare open moment of sharing leaves me speechless. I’m not sure what he wants from me in this moment. I’ve learned from the past that you don’t push Maddox, and when he’s ready to tell you something, he’ll do it on his time.

The silence becomes almost too much as I wait for him to go on. His fingers keep tracing imaginary lines on my skin. I shift my thoughts and try to picture what, if anything, he is drawing.

“I’m glad that Coop got you out of there. That he brought you into our lives. My life. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, you need to know that having you around for the last four years has meant more to me than you know.”

I let out a gruff snort. “You have a funny way of showing that.”

“Yeah.”

“Mad—”

“Just give me a second to get it out, okay?” He cuts me off and I snap my lips closed. “There is so much about me that you don’t know, Em. I know that you feel like it would be easy for me to just let you all the way in, but I’ve spent my life learning to keep everyone out. I’ve watched every single person I’ve cared about suffer at my hands, and I can’t live with the knowledge that you will be next. You’re the angel that my demons beg to make fall. The pureness and light that my darkness wants to extinguish.”

My heart breaks with each word muttered from of his lips.

“If I were a simple man, this would be so easy. Bottom line, Emmy, you deserve more than someone broken with more baggage than he can carry. You deserve the whole world and not just the smallest island on it.”

I can’t speak past the lump in my throat. A million thoughts rush through my mind. How he could ever think he’s all of those things is beyond me. Why can’t he see himself how everyone else around him does?

“Go to sleep, angel. We can talk in the morning, but tonight, just let me hold you.” His fingers still and his large hand curls around my shoulder, pulling me deeper into his embrace.

I bring my legs up and tuck into his side, slowly dragging my arm over his thick muscles before resting my hand against his warm chest. If this really is the only moment I’ll ever have with him, then I’m going to commit each second to memory so that I can remember it when I go back to my life as the Princess of Syn.

Right before I nod off, I throw out the only lifeline I have left. “We all have baggage, Maddox. I wish that you could understand that I’m not asking for perfection. What you fail to realize is that I have two arms just begging for you to let me help you carry that baggage.”

His arm tightens almost painfully and his body goes solid. It takes him a minute of loud inhalations before his body relaxes again.

“Goodnight, Emmy.”

“Goodnight, Maddox.”

CHAPTER 11

Emmy

“I swear to Christ, Asher, if you lost her again, I’m going to kick your fucking ass. Yeah, I get that you have things going on. No. I’ll be home in a few days and you better have my shit in order and her sitting like a queen on my couch.”

My eyes snap open and I zero my stare in on where he’s standing and looking out the window. Who the hell is he talking about?

“Don’t give me that shit, Asher. Yeah, what the fuck ever.” He’s silent as he listens to whatever Asher is saying to him, and after a few more clipped responses, he ends the call and tosses his phone on the desk. Turning his face gives nothing away when he realizes that I’ve been watching him.

I shake my head when I realize that this is how he’s going to play it. We’re back to stupid Emmy and silent Maddox.

After throwing back the sheet, I move to stand in front of him. His eyes flash for the briefest of moments before he schools his expression. Well, at least we know he isn’t indifferent to my nude body.

“What am I supposed to wear?” I ask in a tone that oozes sarcasm.

He doesn’t speak. Instead, he moves around my body and grabs a bag off the floor behind me. Then he holds it out to me. I keep looking into his eyes, watching the deep, dark brown remain expression and emotionless.

“Right. When you’re ready to use your big-boy words, maybe we can continue this playdate.”

I reach up to take the bag, but before my fingertips can wrap around the strap, he lets it fall to the floor. I watch it fall, taking my eyes off him, and before I can rip him a new one, I’m pressed against his clothed body and his lips are dueling with mine. After kissing the wind out of my sails, he releases me, bends, grabs the bag, and once again holds it in my direction.

I snatch the bag from him and stomp into the bathroom, childishly slamming the door behind me—just because I can.

Once I throw my long hair into a messy bun, I open the bag to find my own clothes. My brow creases as I try to come up with a logical reason to explain why he would have my own things—things I know I didn’t pack when I left town. I quickly get dressed, throwing on a pair of yoga pants and T-shirt. When I exit the room, he is still standing by the window, his hands pushed into his pockets and his posture almost relaxed—something that is rarely seen with him.

“How did you get my clothes?”

“Grabbed them when I got Cat.” He doesn’t turn, so I have to quickly turn my shocked expression into some verbal response to that news.

“And why did you have Cat?”

“Because you ran. Someone needed to take care of her.”

“Yeah? That someone was Melissa. Cohen was going to babysit for a while,” I snap back. I’m primed for a fight now.

“Don’t make me kiss that sass right out of your mouth, Emersyn. A lot happens when you’re gone for a little over a month. Melissa had an accident. Everyone is okay now, but for a while, there was a lot of unknown. Part of the reason it took me so long to get to you was because I needed to go back home and help out while Greg was at the hospital with Melissa and the twins.”

His words take my fight and squash it. Just like that, he knocks me down a few pegs. Melissa, out of all the girls, I connected the most with. Our friendship is one of the many things I’ve missed since I ran. I called her after I left my letter with Axel to ask her to grab my cat, but I’ve been so busy living in my own head that I haven’t even called her since.

“She okay? The girls?” I beseech, desperate to know that they’re okay.

“They’re fine now. You need to call her. She’s worried about you—they all are.”

I can’t respond to him. My mind is racing at just how much I have let the people who have come to be my family down. Very briefly, the thought crosses my mind that, if Coop hadn’t run into me all those years ago, their lives would be so much better, but I quickly dismiss it. There is a reason for everything, and as unjust as it is, he was meant to come into my life—even if it was the beginning of the end for him.

“What are you thinking?” Maddox asks, letting his stoic exterior slip. His head is cocked slightly, his brows furrowed and his lips pursing. He has no idea how attractive he is either, which just adds to his appeal.

“How better off they would have been if Coop had never found me.”

“Excuse me?” His tone is hard and unforgiving.

“Don’t make me repeat myself. I’m not fishing here, but repeating what I was thinking. Things would be so different if that day hadn’t happened.”

“Yeah, you’re damn fucking right it would be.”

“I don’t know why you’re getting so pissed, Mad. I thought it. I can’t exactly
control
my fleeting thoughts. I was the one he took that bullet for. Take me out of the equation and what do you get? You get Coop. THAT is what you get.”

He shakes his head and moves to pull me closer, but I step away from him. His nostrils flare and his jaw twitches, but he doesn’t say anything.

“You really believe that, don’t you?”

I nod my head and he drops his. I watch as he runs his hand over his scalp and clasps the back of his neck. I can hear him muttering to himself but can’t make out his words.

“Let me explain something to you. If you hadn’t have been there, there would have been a handful of different situations. One, he would have stepped in front of Dee. Two, he would have been late walking in and Dee would have been there alone. We could have had anyone sitting in your desk and it wouldn’t have mattered to Coop. He would have jumped in front of that gun regardless of who the intended target was. That’s just who he was, and I know deep fucking down you know I’m right. Stop thinking about all the things that could have happened and be thankful that you’re alive and knew him for the time you did.” His chest is heaving when he finishes, and before I can open my mouth, he just holds his hand up and walks around me . . . straight out the door.

I know he’s right. I’ve been using my anger with myself so I haven’t had to feel all of the pain I felt right after he died. The pain of losing someone so dear to me. There isn’t a fear I’ve known in my life like looking into the barrel of a gun-wielding maniac. I think a small part of myself will always feel somewhat responsible for his death
because
of the fact that he died saving me. Bottom line, Maddox is right. I should be focusing on the fact that I even knew him—regardless of how long that period was.

“Chin up, buttercup.”
Oh, the irony.

With no idea where I am or what I’m supposed to do if he doesn’t come back, I settle into the bed and flip on the television. I focus on the program, something about grown woman acting like some hilarious rip-off of Toddlers and Tiaras. I watch but allow my mind to wander. I can’t believe that I’ve been gone for almost five weeks and I haven’t even thought about checking in. What kind of friend doesn’t even give a thought to those left behind?

Maybe Maddox is right. Maybe I should go back. But how do I do that when I’m not sure I can even let go of this guilt? I can’t go back until I know with no doubt that I’m fixed. It’s time to pick up the pieces of my life and stop living in the fear of the unknown.

* * *

Maddox comes back an hour later. His mood is much better and his arms are full of food. We sit in a somewhat comfortable silence while we eat. For him, that’s normal, but I’m still trying to figure out if I’m willing to go back—or if I should go back to Syn, where I’ve always felt like I would end up rotting away in my destined role of the princess.

“Are you done thinking all that bullshit?” he asks between mouthfuls of his burger.

“Depends on which bullshit you’re referring to.”

“Don’t play games, Em. Do you still think that we’re better off having never met you? That I’m better off?”

“I don’t know how to answer that, okay? I want to believe that I’m just speaking out of my ass, but I can’t help how I feel. I’m working on it, and honestly, Maddox, that’s the best I can give you right now.”

He drops his burger and nods his head. “I used to think the same thing. Had I done something—anything—different that my life would have taken a different path. I used to think that maybe there was one thing that could have stopped the snowball from going out of control.”

“And what changed?”

“You did.” He drops my eyes and starts to clean his mess up. “Are you done?” He doesn’t wait for me to actually respond but continues to clean up around me.

“How the hell did I change your way of thinking?”

“No matter what I did to make you hate me, you still came back for more. You were unbiased with your feelings towards anything I threw at you.”

“You’re making no sense, Maddox.” My mind is swirling with everything he’s saying. I just have no idea what to make of it all.

“Nothing, Em. Just forget I said anything.”

“I can’t just forget that! You don’t sit here and say all of that to me and just say, ‘Oops, just kidding! Forget I finally opened my mouth!’” I stand back from my seat at the desk and march into his space, taking the trash and throwing it on the floor. “What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?”

“What does it matter? I used to think that I could have changed my future. I used to think that I could manipulate those around me into
not
caring so that, in return, I didn’t harm them. And then you came into my life and there was no changing you. So, yeah, Emmy . . . I used to think that I could have changed my path in life, but now, I know that I’ve just been playing the game of fate and there isn’t shit I can do to make it any better. I am what I am, and all that is
me
will do nothing but pull you under a riptide you’ll never survive.”