Corps Security: The Series (25 page)

I let him hold me while I purge myself of the overwhelming emotions our lovemaking has brought forth.

“I need to clean you up, baby. Don’t move.” He rolls up and off the bed, padding across the large room and into the bathroom. I roll over and look up at the ceiling, hugging myself tightly. I can hear the toilet flush and the water running. He walks out of the bathroom, completely unconcerned with his nudity, right up to the edge of the bed. “Open up, baby, and let me clean you up.” I let my legs fall to the side and watch, in shocked amazement, while he cleans our joint come from my pussy. The warm wash cloth causes me to jerk a few times when he touches my tender skin.

After a few seconds, he throws the towel in the direction of the bathroom and falls back to the mattress, pulling me into his arms again.

“Talk to me, Izzy. What was that?” He doesn’t sound mad, just confused.

Sighing deeply, I reply, “It was just so much, Ax. So much emotion flooding through my system at once. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would be here again, and trust me, I dreamt of this moment plenty.” I take another deep breath before continuing, looking into his questioning eyes. “You have to understand, Ax. I don’t know what it’s been like for you all this time, but I thought you were gone, Ax. Not just gone, but dead.” I hiccup a sob and take a moment to collect myself. My wet eyes meet his shocked ones. “I lived in hell for six long years, but those years were nothing . . . absolutely nothing compared with the pain I felt thinking you were dead this whole time.”

“What?” he asks, so softly that I would have missed it if I weren’t been looking into his handsome face.

“I don’t understand what you don’t get about that, Axel.” I really am confused now. He seems completely baffled. How can he think I would think any differently! He disappeared out of my life, vanished! How else would someone take that?

“Baby,” he chokes out, “please explain that to me. What do you mean you thought I was dead?”

I turn my head to the side and study him. I am beyond confused. His brow is winkled, his lips are pinched tight, and his eyes . . . His eyes look pained.

“Can we get dressed please? Maybe get something to eat before we have this conversation?” I weakly ask him. I need to take a second and figure out what is at play right now.

He shakes his head, as if clearing the fog, and nods. “Sure, Princess.”

We get up and he throws a tee at me from his dresser before pulling some sweats up his narrow hips. Walking over to where I’m standing, he pulls me back into his arms and holds me tight. Almost too tight.

“I know you felt it, baby. No way had something that fucking powerful skipped your attention. Hear me now, and understand me. We will talk, but nothing you say will change the fact that you and I are happening. I won’t let you go, Izzy. Never. You’re mine, you got that, Princess?”

Do I? Can I so easily give my heart back to this man, knowing he has the power to destroy me? Yes. I can. If I walked away from him now, I might as well pull the trigger myself because I would be dead anyway.

“Yeah, I understand. But, Ax?”

“What baby?”

“I always have been yours, you know that, don’t you?”

And with a bright smile that reaches all the way to his beautiful eyes, he pulls me tighter and places a soft kiss to my shoulder, my neck, and my ear before whispering, “Oh yeah, baby. I know.”

CHAPTER 16

I have been standing on the back deck watching Axel flip the steaks on the grill and enjoying the view for the last ten minutes. If I hadn’t understood what motivated him to buy this large waste of space before, it is all clear now. While I look out at the vast sparkling water his house sits on the shore of, I get it.

He has a very large deck—with of course no furniture or seating. But he does have one large gleaming grill. There is a nice-sized grassy patch of yard before it meets the pebbled path to the dock. And then there is the lake. There are no other houses that I can see. Just woods and a lot of water. It is absolutely stunning.

“You almost ready to eat, babe?” he asks, coming up behind me and handing me a glass of wine.

I look over my shoulder and just drink him in. He is still naked from the waist up and his sweats are riding low on his hips. The sexy V that disappears beneath the material makes my mouth water. His abs clench and he growls low in his throat.

“Stop, Izzy. Stop right fucking now or I will take you right here on the fucking porch.”

“Sorry, Ax, but you did ask if I was ready to eat,” I tease.

“Shit!” He throws his hands up and walks over to the grill.

I laugh and turn back to enjoy the view while he grumbles behind me about me needing to keep my sexy fucking mouth closed.

We continue in a comfortable silence while he finishes up the grilling and I finish my reflecting. I follow his lead back into the house, plate the juicy steaks, baked potatoes, peppers, and onions, bringing them over to the bar and sit on the only pieces of furniture he owns in the kitchen. Barstools.

“Axel, you have got to see about getting some life in this house. Besides your bedroom—your lacking bedroom—the only things I have seen are these stools, your mammoth TV, and one recliner.” I point my fork at him after taking in a piece of this delicious steak. I moan over the succulent taste that explodes in my mouth before I’m able to continue. “You can’t buy a house this big without something to take up some space.”

I look up and meet his eyes after I notice the silence that follows my observations. Oops. Maybe I overstepped. I mean, this isn’t my house and it really isn’t my business. Blushing, I put my fork down and stare at my hands in my lap.

“Why are you doing that?” he questions.

“Doing what?” I hedge.

“Acting like you’re ashamed for asking something, even if you are being a nosy little brat.” His tone is light, teasing.

“I . . . I don’t know?”

“Can’t fool me with that question bullshit either, Izzy. You forget I know you. Might have been years since I’ve had you, but I know you.”

Sighing, I look up into his eyes. He doesn’t look mad, just confused. His gaze is searching. “It’s not something I do consciously. You have to understand, Axel. I can’t turn off years of conditioning. I have lived a certain way for so long that sometimes I just kind of fall back into the old me. Well, I mean the old me after you.”

“I can understand that, I can, but what I can’t understand is why you seem to be afraid of
me
sometimes. A lot has happened, but you know—you have to know—I would never fucking hurt you.”

“No, you wouldn’t hurt me physically. I know that,” I reply as I look back down at my hands.

“Izzy? What do you mean by that? Did we not decide that this is happening? I get you’re scared, but hear me, really hear me. I am NOT going to hurt you. There isn’t one goddamn thing that will tear us apart again. Lost too much time already, Princess. Too much time that I should have had you right here in my arms.” He reaches over and pulls me into his lap. He has one arm around my back and the other across my lap. He takes one of my hands in his own before continuing. “There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t miss this, right here. I spent so much time, so much fucking time, thinking you were happy, thinking that you were better off without me. God, baby . . .” He trails off and brings his hand up to cup my face, bringing my eyes level with his. “It’s killed me every day since you walked back into my life, knowing I could have done something to save you from that bastard.”

I’m beyond confused right now. What is he talking about? He thought I was happy? And like a bolt of lightning, it hits me.

“You knew where I was?” I ask, and I can’t stop the bite of anger that colors my tone.

“Not for a few years. I finally found you right after you had gotten married,” he says, and the pain in his eyes is heart stopping.

“What?” I whisper softy.

He brings his finger up and brushes it against my furrowed brow, sliding down the bridge of my nose and tracing along the line of my lips. He takes my chin in his strong hand, bringing my mouth closer to his, and places a soft kiss against me.

“Baby, I looked for you. Searched for you every single chance I had for almost four years. I followed every limited lead there was, but they never gave me anything to go on. Not a fucking thing. I know about your mom and dad, and baby, I know that was hard and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help you through that, but why? Why didn’t you tell me where you were going? You have to know I would have come for you.”

This big strong man is letting me in, and letting me see the pain he has felt all these years ago. I can’t stop the tears even if I wanted to. I tried, lord I tried, but knowing the depths he went through to track me down washes through me and breaks what little thread of sanity I have left. My temper is set on a simmer now.

“I had just enough time when I got back home for my leave to find out about them and that you were gone. No one knew where your grandparents lived. The best I got was that you were in some small town in the Carolinas and no one knew which one. It wasn’t for lack of trying, Princess. Please understand that. I just didn’t have the resources or the time to track you down. It got to the point where I started to feel like if you wanted to be found, you would let me know. Hell, a breadcrumb trail, flares, Bat-signal . . . I would have taken any of that.”

His attempt at humor misses the mark. I try to take in all this new information, all these facts that I haven’t once considered over the years. He wanted to find me? How is that? I left my address with June. She knew I wanted him to find me; she knew I was waiting on him. I can’t stand the anger that is slowly burning through my body. That fucking bitch!

“June!” I bark, getting off his lap and pacing around the large empty space of his kitchen. I turn back to look at him and notice the confused look blanketing his handsome face. I rush to explain. “That bitch, June. I gave her everything, Axel. Every-fucking-thing that you would need to find me. My grandparents’ address in North Carolina, their phone numbers, and I wrote letters, so many fucking letters. When the ones to the base started coming back, I started writing them to June’s house. I figured if there was any way for you to get them, it would be when you came home. Oh my God, Ax! All this time. All this fucking time. You have no clue, no fucking clue what that bitch kept from us, what she told me.” My fury is a palpable thing, filling the room with its thickness and completely eclipsing the sadness that had preceded it. I am forced to stop my frantic pacing when I feel the unyielding bands of Axel’s hands close around my biceps.

“Princess, stop,” he says softly, pulling my back to his chest and closing his arms over my chest. “I can’t fix this if you don’t tell me what has you freaked out.”

I pull out of his hold and turn around to look into his eyes. I have to look into his eyes. Be able to judge where his mind is right now.

The only thing I see is confusion and maybe, hopefully, a little love.

“Do you have any idea how much I needed you? When my parents died, you were the only thing that would take that pain away, but you weren’t there. I was okay with that. Please know I never would hold that against you.” I rush to explain when I see the look that crosses his face. “I was so proud of you, Axel. Not a day went by, even through all that pain, that I wasn’t so proud of you.” He reaches up and brushes the tear that leaks from my eye. “I had so much going on the week after they died. I was hurting, lost, alone . . . I felt completely adrift with no anchor. Gram and Pop, they were good people and they loved me, but they lost too and suddenly had a depressed teenager to deal with. Sometimes I wonder if they just didn’t know what to do with me, but they tried. I had a week. One week to pack my things up and leave. Pop couldn’t leave things back home for too long and Gram didn’t want to be away. She hated traveling. That’s why you never met her.”

I walk away from him and over to the window that faces the lake, now dark with the soft glow of the moon reflecting in its rippling water. “I made sure I ran by June’s to bring her everything you would need. I didn’t know who else to give it to. You hadn’t been gone long enough to let me know how to contact you. The only thing I had was the base you were going to be stationed at.” A sob tears up my throat and interrupts my retelling. “I—I w-w-as so st-stupid,” I cry.

I turn around to face him and find him right behind me, arms stretched wide and waiting. I rush into his hold and let my sadness flow. I let him be my rock, the rock I have needed for so long.

I bring my arms around his back, pull him as close as I can get. I feel his lips against my hair, his chest rising and falling rapidly and his heart racing beneath my ear.

“Baby . . . Jesus. I wish I would have known. I wish I would have been there. You’re killing me, fucking slicing me open right now. Look at me, Izzy,” he says, leaving no room for argument.

I look up into his pleading eyes.

“I would have dropped everything to save you from any ounce of pain. If it is within my reach to do that now, know that I will never fucking let pain touch your heart, baby. It kills me to know how easy it was for the world to rip us apart. For years, baby. I have spent years thinking you left me. That you chose to leave me. God . . .” He trails off and leans down to capture my lips.

This kiss is like nothing we have shared since coming back to us. This kiss is full of the sadness of what we have lost but with the promise of what we will have. His lips make love to mine.

“Not one day went by, Izzy, that my heart didn’t belong to you. To this day, there has only been one woman who has and will ever hold it. Fuck, baby, but the love I have for you is so fucking strong sometimes, I wonder if it will crush me,” he whispers when he breaks the kiss to pull me tight against his chest.

I still with his words. Love? I know how I feel about him, but the shock of hearing him say it to me is overwhelming. He can’t love me. Not yet. Not without knowing everything.

Small panic bubbles up but I quickly squash it. I have to be strong. I have to be strong for him, because after this, I don’t know how he will feel.