Corps Security: The Series (80 page)

“Are you sure you want to know the rest?”

He nods sharply and I sigh.

“I didn’t realize until recently, with Dr. Maxwell’s help, why I had such a hard time after all that stuff with Brandon went down. I knew I was pushing you away out of fear, but I couldn’t even understand it myself. You have to understand that I’ve never known a positive relationship with a man, so when you started getting close, I freaked out. You are so perfect on the outside that it terrified me beyond imagination that you could change just as easily as all the others.” I stop when he grunts, but he motions for me to keep going. “Right. So with that, you might understand a little better why his attack was the trigger for me. About two years into their marriage, he cornered me. I’ll spare you the gory details, but how I looked a few weeks ago? That’s close to how he left me, only he took it a lot further.”

He shoots off the couch, knocking his beer to the floor. I keep my eyes trained to the foaming liquid pouring out of the overturned bottle. I knew he would look at me differently, but it’s still painful to be right. Why would he want someone so fucked up?

“He put his hands on you? Son of a bitch! If he wasn’t already dead, I would fucking kill him. Gut that sorry bastard.” He paces in front of the couch, growling each word out with disgust. “Fuck!” He keeps his pacing up for a few minutes before he stops in his tracks and looks over at me. Shaking his head, a look of stark terror comes over his features. I watch in slow motion as he figures it out before I can tell him. Somehow, he just knows, and when I watch all that anger turn into a pain so great that he drops to his knees in front of me, my world ends. “No, no, no . . .”

I can’t move from my spot on the couch. My chest is heaving with the force of my emotions. My tears burn as they fall down my face and land in my lap. I can’t even move to wipe my eyes. He quickly moves over to where I’m sitting, his head hits my lap, and his arms wrap around my waist. When his shoulders start to shake with the emotions warring through him, my tears come quicker, and a loud sob breaks free from my throat.

That sob seems to break him from his silent misery because his he pulls his head up, unwraps his arms, and pulls me down into his lap. His strong arms wrap around me again, and he pushes his face into my shoulder. I cling to him, soaking up his heat, trying to warm my body and chase away the pain.

He doesn’t break his hold on me when he pulls us back up to the couch, still making sure that I’m in his lap and safe in his arms.

“I’m sorry.” I offer weakly.

He looks shocked, but desperation bleeds off his face. “What? My God, Dee, what do you have to be sorry for?”

I shrug my shoulders and just shake my head.

“You’ve thought this was your fault this whole time? Oh, Baby.” He pulls me back to his chest and rocks us slightly. “What that bastard did to you isn’t your fault, Dee. Never your fault. He was a sick, disturbed man. It kills me to think about you going through that, and going through it alone. I wish you could have opened up and told me that before, but I understand why you didn’t. That’s why you kept running?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I can ever prove to you how sorry I am for everything that I’ve put us through. I just saw you and all your perfection, and it reminded me of how
he
was when I had first introduced him to Izzy. I think I always knew deep down that you would never turn on me, but that fear was so ingrained, that no matter what I did, I couldn’t separate you two. And then when all of that stuff happened, it was like a light switch went off. I knew he was gone, but my mind couldn’t turn the fear off. He was everywhere I looked, and every time I looked in the mirror, I could see what he did to me. I punished you because of what he did, and I did it over and over.” I pause to wipe my eyes and blow my nose. He keeps silent and lets me finish.

“It’s taken me all this time to push back those feelings, to clear all of the dark webs of my depression. I can’t thank you enough for forcing me to start seeing someone, because without that I don’t think I ever would have healed. For a while, it was a lot of trial and error, trying to figure out what worked best with my trauma. Dr. Maxwell tells me that there will still be setbacks. Some people don’t ever really beat PTSD, but they do learn how to live with it, and that’s what I’ve been doing. Living with it. I can’t sit here and tell you that I’ll ever be completely carefree and healed, but these last few weeks with you by my side have given me all the hope I’ve ever needed that I will get past this.”

When he still doesn’t speak, but just keeps holding me tightly and staring off into the distance, I start to worry that he hasn’t heard me. So I say the only thing I can think of to make him understand where I am now. How I’m finally ready for him and all the love he’s ever been offering.

“Your love saved me,” I whisper.

CHAPTER 18

Beck

Your love saved me.

Her words keep echoing around me, coiling around the pain that has filled my heart since she started talking.

Your love saved me.

I can feel her body shaking, and I tighten my hold so she knows that I’m still here, but I can’t speak past the lump that’s taken up residence in my throat. I always knew that she had a rough history, but never in my wildest imagination could I have pictured all of this pain she’s gone through.

It makes so much sense now. All the times she pushed me away with fear in her eyes. Every single time she would look at one of the guys and have this odd look about her as if she was waiting for one of them to go all Hulk or something.

There is so much swirling around inside of me. I want to kill that motherfucker all over again. I want to go find her father and teach him to pick on someone his own size. I want to lock her away in this house and never let anyone get close enough to so much as give her a paper cut.

Your love saved me.

All I’ve wanted since the day I felt her slipping away is to prove to her how much I love her and for her to know that I’m here for her. It kills me to know how greatly she’s suffered, but with that comes the clarity that she’s
finally,
fucking
finally,
on the same page with me.

I squeeze her tighter into my body when I feel her sobbing get harder. It finally hits me that I haven’t said a word since she finished talking. I have to work at swallowing my own sorrow. I wipe the tears from my face and clear my throat a few times until I feel confident that I can talk without breaking down.

“Baby, look at me. Please, look at me.”

She shakes her head and burrows deeper into my body.

“Come on, where’s my wildcat?” I soften my voice, rub her back, and kiss her over and over. I’m begging silently for her to just look at me, to see the all the understanding and love that she needs from me right now. So she will see that I’m here and will never leave. “Dee, I’m begging you, please, look at me. See me. Let my love in. Please, Baby.”

She has her mouth pressed into my shoulder, so when she speaks, I can’t understand her. She is still crying, but at least her body has stopped heaving violently. “Say it again. I can’t understand you.”

She lifts her head and her tear filled puffy, red eyes just stare at me. I smile at her, letting her know that it’s all going to be fine, and she lets out a shaky breath. She closes her eyes for a few seconds, but when she opens them, and I can see, not only the old Dee that I’ve missed with extreme longing, shining back at me, but I can also see all of that love that she’s been running from. It’s staring brightly back at me, and even with her swollen eyes and splotchy face, I’ve never seen her look more beautiful.

“Oh, Baby. I love you so much.”

Her breath hitches again at my words. It doesn’t take long before she opens her mouth, and when she finally utters the words that I’ve been dreaming of for so long, the sense of peace that hits me is nothing short of a miracle.

“I love you, too, John Beckett. I love you with all of my scarred heart.” She smiles weakly and I return it with a smile so big that my jaw hurts.

“You’re finally mine?” I ask, my smile never leaving my face.

“No . . .” She pauses and my heart stops. “You’re finally mine.” All of the earlier pain and sadness drains from her face, and she looks at me with her smile huge, her bloodshot eyes full of love and trust. She looks at me as if she’s a brand new woman, and I give a second of thanks that I’m lucky enough to have this woman in my life.

“Whatever works but we’re finally us.” I cup her cheek and guide my lips to hers. She tastes like her tears mixed with hope. She tastes like heaven.

“I. Love. You.” I punctuate each word with a kiss before I take her lips in a slow lazy kiss.

Her hands are running all over my chest, pulling at my shirt. When her cold hands get my shirt up and she presses against my abs, I shake with the chill that rushes through my body. She giggles and it’s like music to my ears. I break away from her mouth to pull my shirt off and then hers. She unhooks her bra and drops it to the floor. I take a second to look over every inch of her exposed skin, drinking in her tan perfection. Her nipples pebble under the attention of my eyes, and I reach up and cup each of her heavy breasts, rubbing my thumb over each nipple before pinching them lightly. Her head rolls back on her shoulders and she moans low in her throat.

I shift her so that she straddles me on the couch and take her ass in my hands before pulling her against my erection. She frames my face before taking my lips and kissing me deeply. Her tongue comes out and tangles with mine while she starts grinding against my lap.

I pull my mouth away and lean my forehead against hers. Both of us are panting deeply. When she shifts slightly and her warm core rubs against my painful erection, I growl. “Dee, it’ll be over before I even have a chance to get out of my pants if you move again. Give me a second, and then I’m taking you up to our bed and showing you every single ounce of love I have in my body for you.”

It takes me a lot longer than a second to calm my body enough that I don’t fear coming in my pants if she so much as breathes. When I can finally feel some blood coming back to my head, I push my hands under her ass and stand. She instinctively wraps her legs tightly around my waist and drops her head to my neck. She starts kissing, licking, and sucking lightly against my neck and all the progress I’ve just made in controlling my throbbing erection just goes flying out the window.

“Dee . . .” I warn when she starts sucking on my earlobe. She laughs and her warm breath dances across my wet ear. I have to stop in the middle of the staircase because the urge to come in my pants is almost too much. My dick has craved this woman for months, and she is finally mine. There’s no way in hell I’m going to go off unless her wet pussy is wrapped tight around me.

She finally takes pity on me, and I’m able to start climbing the stairs again. When I hit the hallway, it looks a mile long and not the short distance I know it to be. I tighten my fingers against her ass and start walking. Every time my balls rub against the fabric of my jeans, I groan. When we finally cross the threshold into the bedroom, I let out the breath I have been holding.

Finally.

It’s finally time to make this woman mine.

I bring my hands from her ass and run my fingertips slowly over her body up towards her chest. When I hit her hips, her legs tighten around my waist so that she keeps her hold on me. The feel of her warm skin against my palms has me closing my eyes and dropping my head back on my shoulders. She takes the opportunity to run kisses and wet swipes of her tongue against my exposed neck. She nibbles on my throat before dipping and kissing a path to one of my nipples. When her teeth bite down almost painfully, I tighten my hold on her waist.

Walking stiffly over to the edge of the bed, I lower her until her ass meets the mattress. I step back when she places her palms behind her and leans back. Her tits are thrusting in the air, just begging for my mouth. I lick my lips before moving my eyes up her body and meeting her gaze. Her eyes are on fire, cheeks flushed, and all signs of her earlier sadness have completely disappeared. I give her a tip of my lips before dropping to my knees, wrapping my arms around her legs, and pulling her until her ass is hanging off the bed. When she falls back on the mattress, she lets out a yelp that quickly turns into a moan as I nuzzle my nose against her stomach and start kissing along the waistband of her jeans.

“You’re killing me.” She moans, running her hands up her stomach. I have to stop what I’m doing when she takes her hands on a trail up her body and squeezes her tits before rolling each nipple slowly. Her face is showing me just how much she’s enjoying this.

“Shit.” I have to pull one of my hands from her legs to shove it down my pants and wrap my fist around my dick. I press as hard as I dare so that I can stop myself from coming. Just watching her pleasure herself is almost too much to take. “Dee, please, stop.”

She shakes her head back and forth, lost in her own world. “Dee,” I snap. Her eyes shoot open and her hands stop caressing and pinching. “Please, let me. You keep that up and I won’t be able to hold back.”

“I don’t want you to hold back. It’s been too long.” God, I love her voice when she’s this close to coming. It gets deeper, huskier. Fuck.

I don’t even try to take my time I lean forward and pull her pants off with one jerk, tossing them over my shoulder. Her underwear just pisses me off because it’s in the way of the one place my body is craving. Taking hold of one delicate side and tugging has them ripping right off her. I thrust my hand back under her ass, lift her hips off the mattress, and drop my mouth right to her soaked folds.

“Drenched, Baby . . . so damn wet. Whose pussy is this?” I latch onto her clit and suck hard, waiting for her to answer me.

“Yours! It’s yours! Oh, God!” Her small hand pushes through my hair and holds my head still while she brings her hips up and shamelessly rubs against my tongue. I hum when the sweet flavor of her desire hits my taste buds in a rush as she comes all over my tongue.