Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (15 page)

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’”

(M
ATTHEW
18:15-16;
READ ALSO
E
ZEKIEL
3:18-19).

If someone you love needs to be rescued from reckless living, consider the following crisis intervention roadmap, complete with its twists and turns. The goal isn’t just getting your loved ones on the path of recovery, but steering them toward the Road to Transformation—toward Christlike maturity. Crisis intervention confrontations can address harmful habits ranging from being dependent on…

Those who take the time to confront a person ensnared by a destructive habit do so
because they care
. Here is how you can help:

—
Pray
for wisdom and understanding from the Lord (Psalm 32:8; Proverbs 2:6).

—
Educate
yourself regarding the person’s particular addiction or besetting sin, and explore any appropriate crisis intervention programs. Read materials on intervention and visit counseling centers and available treatment facilities (Proverbs 18:15).

—
Call
a counseling office, if needed, and ask for a referral to a Christian leader trained in crisis intervention procedures (Proverbs 15:22).

—
Meet
with an intervention specialist to plan the approach. Discussion needs to include counseling options (appropriate treatment program options with preadmission plans and procedures), insurance coverage, and the impact of counseling on both the individual’s life and the lives of the entire family (Proverbs 19:20).

—
Enlist
the aid of key people (caring family members, friends, a doctor, an employer, a coworker, or a spiritual leader—especially those whom your loved one respects) who have been directly affected by the person’s problematic behavior, those who can attest to its harmful effects on themselves and others, and who are willing to confront (Proverbs 14:25).

—
In absolute confidentiality
and without the person present, hold the first meeting with these key people (and possibly a trained leader). Each key person will rehearse
what
he or she will say regarding the negative impact of the person’s behavior,
how
it will be said, and
the order
in which they will speak during the intervention (Proverbs 27:5-6).

—
Hold
a second meeting, this time with the person present. One at a time, each key person will express loving care and genuine concern, followed by the rehearsed personalized statements (Proverbs 12:18).

In making individual group crisis intervention statements, here are six key things to keep in mind.

1.
The Personal

Affirm rather than attack: “I want you to know how much I care about you [love you/value you/believe in you] and how terribly concerned I am about you.” Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

2.
The Past

Give recent examples describing specific negative behavior that you have witnessed. “You’ve been emotionally pulling away from me.” “Last night when you failed to come home, I found the motel receipts.” “Dad, last Saturday you stumbled in drunk in front of my friends.” “You quit coming home after work.” Proverbs 12:17 says, “A truthful witness gives honest testimony.” Be brief, keeping your examples to three or four sentences (Proverbs 17:27).

3.
The Pain

Emphasize the painful impact on you by using “I” statements. Use “feeling” words:

“I felt truly hurt that _________.”

“I felt heartsick/heavyhearted/heartbroken when _________.”

“I feel so much sadness, such deep sorrow over _________.”

“My heart is aching/grieved/in agony because _________.”

“My spirit feels wounded/pierced/injured since _________.”

“I feel emotionally battered/bruised/defeated whenever _________.”

“I was shocked/stunned/stymied that _________.”

“I feel our marriage bed is polluted and I feel dirty because _________.”

Proverbs 16:23 says, “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.”

4.
The Plea

Give a personal plea for your loved one to receive counseling: “I plead with you to get the help you need to overcome this destructive habit. If you do, you will have my utmost respect and deepest gratitude” (see Proverbs 18:21).

5.
The Plan

Be prepared to implement an
immediate plan
if counseling is accepted: “You have been accepted into the counseling program at (
location
). (
Names
) have agreed to be your accountability partners, and a bag has already been packed for you” (see Proverbs 24:11-12).

6.
The Price

Outline specific consequences if treatment is refused: “We cannot allow you to come home or be with our family until you have stopped (
behavior
) and have been free of it for (
name length of time
) or until you have completely walked away from this (
situation
) and stopped all contact with (
name
).”

“Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path; he who hates correction will die”

(P
ROVERBS
15:10).

You can gently influence a person to want to change—not by what you say, but how you say it. The Word of God says, “If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should
restore him gently
” (Galatians 6:1).

When you conduct the group crisis intervention…

—
Don’t
call names, preach, or be judgmental. “You were a totally selfish, insensitive jerk. I don’t know how you can look at yourself in the mirror!”

Instead
, “Last night I was deeply hurt when you (
state the person’s actions
).”

“A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue”

(P
ROVERBS
11:12).

—
Don’t
argue if your facts are disputed. “That’s not at all true!”

Instead
, “You may be right, but that is what I have read.”

“The Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will”

(2 T
IMOTHY
2:24-26).

—
Don’t
come to the defense of the offender when others are making their statements.

“He really didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Instead
, remain silent when others are speaking.

“There is a…time to be silent and a time to speak”

(E
CCLESIASTES
3:1,7).

—
Don’t
accept promises with no commitment for immediate action. “I can’t go to counseling now, but I promise to start next month.”

Instead
, only accept, “I am willing to do what you are asking.”

“A simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps”

(P
ROVERBS
14:15).

—
Don’t
overreact—keep your emotions under control. You may be verbally attacked with, “How can you say you love me and do this to me!” Don’t react with, “How can you say you love me and do what you have done to me?”

Instead
, calmly state your position, and if again opposed, calmly repeat these same words again…and again: “This is in your best interest.”

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires”

(J
AMES
1:19-20).

—
Don’t
shield your loved one from facing the consequences of bad behavior. “I will continue covering for you.”

Instead
, “I will not lie for you anymore.”

“A man reaps what he sows”

(G
ALATIANS
6:7-8).

—
Don’t
give ultimatums unless you are prepared to follow through on them. If, after a short time in treatment, your loved one says, “I promise not to do it again. Just please let me come back this one time.” Don’t acquiesce; don’t give in.

Instead
say, “No, not until your counselor is convinced that you and I are both ready for you to return.”

“Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no”

(J
AMES
5:12).

At the end of the crisis intervention, your loved one will either take the advice given by immediately seeking counseling or entering a treatment/accountability program, or experience the consequences of refusing treatment.

Let the heart of this scripture be your guiding purpose:

“If one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins”

(J
AMES
5:19-20).

As the sculptor uses the chisel and hammer to craft his valuable art…the Master Sculptor will use you to carve Christlike character in the one you confront.

—JH

Ephesians 4:29

Proverbs 18:21

Proverbs 11:12

Proverbs 15:1

Romans 2:1

Mark 7:15

Psalm 139:23-24

Luke 14:11

Philippians 4:8

Romans 15:7

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Abortion Recovery, Alcohol and Drug Abuse, Anorexia and Bulimia, Codependency, Critical Spirit, Cults, Depression, Domestic Violence, Manipulation, Marriage, Salvation, Suicide Prevention, Verbal and Emotional Abuse, Victimization
and other related topics.