Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (42 page)

Many people tell white lies because they are quick, easy, and seem to be the simplest way out of an uncomfortable situation.

— I can’t say, “I’m too tired to come over.”

I’ll say, “I have other plans.”

— I can’t say, “I am really angry.”

I’ll say, “Anything you want is okay with me.”

— I can’t say, “I am depressed.”

I’ll say, “I have a headache.”

— I can’t say, “I really don’t want to date you.”

I’ll say, “I’m going out of town.”

— I can’t say, “I forgot to read the book you gave me.”

I’ll say, “I haven’t finished reading it yet.”

— I can’t say, “I haven’t sent the check yet.”

I’ll say, “The check’s in the mail.”

— I can’t say, “Dad passed out from drinking.”

I’ll say, “He’s home today because he has the flu.”

“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account”

(H
EBREWS
4:13).

Typically, liars don’t see themselves as liars. They are just trying to get their needs met. When our God-given inner needs for significance and security are not met—especially in childhood—the tendency is to try to meet those needs illegitimately. Therefore, the two primary causes for lying are:

—
feeling insignificant
and lying to appear more important, and

—
feeling insecure
and lying to keep from looking bad, stupid, or inadequate.

—
Insignificance:
“I need to change the truth because the real truth doesn’t sound important enough.”

—
Insecurity:
“I need to change the truth because if I speak the truth, I’m afraid of what others will think of me or do to me.”

“The Lord promises to meet all my inner needs. As a Christian, I need to tell the truth all the time because Jesus lives within me, and He is Truth! He will empower me to overcome lying so that I can reflect His character.”

“My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:19).

Know
that you cannot please everyone.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ”

(G
ALATIANS
1:10).

Know
that you are not responsible for everyone’s feelings.

“Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning”

(P
ROVERBS
9:7-9).

Know
that you can speak the truth in a loving way.

“Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ”

(E
PHESIANS
4:15).

Know
that you are not a perfect person—no one is perfect.

“We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way”

(I
SAIAH
53:6).

Know
that you are not accountable for how others respond to the truth. You are accountable to God to tell the truth.

“So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God”

(R
OMANS
14:12).

When pressured to buy an item:

Don’t say
, “I don’t have the money right now” if you have some.

Do say
, “Thank you, I’m not interested at this time.”

When a person tells you to say he’s not in when he is:

Don’t say
, “I’m sorry. He’s not here.”

Do say
, “I’m sorry; as a Christian, I cannot do that. But I’ll be happy to tell him you’re not available at this time.”

When asked for a date and you don’t want to go:

Don’t say
, “I’m too busy to go.”

Do say
, “I appreciate your invitation. I feel it would be best for you to ask someone else, but please know I’m honored that you would invite me.”

When asked to spend time on a project:

Don’t say
yes when you don’t sense the Lord’s leading.

Do say
, “I appreciate the effective work you are doing; however, I am so heavily committed I cannot in good conscience undertake another project.”

When asked to serve in a church-related capacity you are not at peace about:

Don’t say
yes because you fear letting God or someone else down.

Do say
, “I am not led by the Spirit of God to do this, but I will pray that God will lead you to the person of His choice.”

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver”

(P
ROVERBS
25:11).

Even white lies dirty the conscience and darken the prospect for transparent relationships. Follow these six steps on the path to recovery and exchange half-truths for honesty. Then watch truth trample down your muddy pile of myths!

Discover
God’s consequences for lying and His hatred for deceit.

“You destroy those who tell lies; bloodthirsty and deceitful men the L
ORD
abhors”

(P
SALM
5:6).

Determine
to be totally honest with God and admit your failures.

“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us”

(1 J
OHN
1:8).

Discern
your areas of personal temptation. Stop and think before you answer.

“Set a guard over my mouth, O L
ORD
; keep watch over the door of my lips”

(P
SALM
141:3).

Decide
you want your life to reflect Christ, who lives in you.

“Those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers”

(R
OMANS
8:29).

Depend
on the strength of Christ within you to enable you to change.

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength”

(P
HILIPPIANS
4:13).

Delight
in speaking the truth, which is more rewarding than telling lies.

“He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy”

(P
ROVERBS
28:13).

Tell a lie, you’ll look better—at least you hope you do.
Tell the truth, you’ll feel better—reflecting
Christ in you
.

—JH

Proverbs 11:3

Proverbs 12:19,22

Proverbs 19:5

Proverbs 26:18-19

Proverbs 28:13

Hebrews 4:13

Ephesians 4:25

Psalm 119:30

Psalm 141:3

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Dysfunctional Family, Fear, Forgiveness, Guilt, Habits, Hope, Identity, Manipulation, Rejection, Self-worth, Stress Management, Verbal and Emotional Abuse, Worry
.

M
anipulators are skillful strategists. They map out their art of subtly steering and controlling people or circumstances by using indirect, unfair, or deceptive tactics.
¹
People-pleasing is at the root of being manipulated. Those who are manipulated allow others the control that God alone should have. Exodus 20:3 says, “You shall have no other gods before me.”

Aggressive Manipulation

1. Scheming “Shoulds”
²

— “You should show me respect…should meet my needs…should make me happy…should give me security.”

— “You owe me…ought to…have to…need to…”

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t meet my expectations, you’re guilty of neglect.”

— In contrast, the Bible says, “[Love] is not self-seeking” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

2. Strident Screaming

— Yelling as a pressure tactic to unnerve, publicly humiliate, or personally intimidate

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t do what I want, I’ll make you wish you had.”

— Psalm 64:3 says, “They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows.”

3. Sarcastic Swords