Covenant (14 page)

“
No, I just don’t want you
to get in the middle of this and suddenly not be able to handle it
so Evan has to re-set the wall. Let’s be clear. I can take it down,
but I’ve never set one up before, and the last thing I want to do
is have to call him for help in fixing something he’ll tell me I
should never have tampered with in the first place.”

I take a deep breath and
lean my head from side to side to ease the tense muscles. “Really,
I think I can handle this, okay? It’s not a big deal.”

All the angels continue to
stare, only adding to the extreme discomfort I feel, and somehow, I
don’t know why, I get the impression they all know something I
don’t, which only makes things worse.

“
All right.” She waves to
the sectional. “Perhaps you’d best lie down.”

Although Jayzee and Sarah
currently occupy the sectional, the moment Theresa gestures in that
direction, they both get up without being asked and walk into the
kitchen. Theresa sets her hand on my shoulder and leads me into the
living room. “Lie down.”

I nod and lie atop the soft,
suede-like covering. As far as sectionals go, it’s pretty
comfortable, but it does nothing for the chaos building inside of
me. I keep telling myself the worry inside isn’t about the angels
who are currently surrounding me or that, if I actually let Theresa
do this, I probably won’t be able to defend myself for a while.
Then again, these are other angels, and they would protect me, so
why should these concerns even cross my mind?

But they do. Could they be
reflections of memories I don’t realize?

“
Shut your eyes and relax.
I can’t do this against your will. You’ve got to get that chaos
under control.”

Some part of me wants to
rebel against her calm, and I’m not sure why that is, but I force
myself to try not to think or feel.
This is
the only way you’re going to get your memory back,
I tell myself
. This is
the last chance you’ve got because Evan sure isn’t going to
help.

“
Now, I’m going to lay my
hands on your forehead. Once you are calm enough, I should be able
to wade through the remaining chaos and destroy the wall he has
built, okay?”

I nod almost imperceptibly
and keep thinking about being calm and how that was probably much
easier before all this stuff happened. The chaos picks up slightly
when Theresa sets a hand on either side of my forehead, and I force
myself not to react.

It seems to take forever
before I feel the heat building between her hands and my skin. The
chaos wants to rise and peak again, but I won’t let it. I think of
the sky on a cloudless day and what it’s like to float in the
sun-drenched emptiness, and with that warmth, it’s almost like I’m
there instead of lying on this couch at midnight’s door, waiting
for my memories to be returned.

At first I wonder if she’s
even going to be able to reverse the warding that Evan has
established. Then I feel the doubts creep in, which starts to roil
the chaos again. That’s when my mind suddenly explodes with images
of my past. I gasp from the sudden jolt of memories and stiffen as
the colors and smells and sounds of the past all assemble
themselves into my brain, and when it’s done, suddenly I know what
I have lost.

The chaos hums and surges
like a tidal wave, and the rolling violence batters me even as I
try to remain afloat. Yet I feel another wave of it coming and
can’t fight it.

Blackness.

* * *

“
Lev? Can you hear
me?”

I open my eyes to find Bob
and Theresa leaning over me where I lay on the sectional. The light
above them casts a halo around their heads, and in a lighter
moment, I would have made a comment about it. But right now I’m
thinking about Elizabeth and the darkness she swims in, darkness
she can’t break free of, darkness I can’t help her navigate
through.

I slowly sit up, which
forces them to back up slightly and give me room to move. My being
throbs with a pain I can’t precisely locate, and my head swims with
all the things I remember. Even I know it has nothing to do with a
bullet hole. Yes, there is a scar there, but that is only because I
refuse to let it go. Still, something feels different about me. I
just don’t know what. This body just feels…wrong.

“
Are you all right? The
chaos—”

“
Is normal for me,” I
manage. “Where is the bathroom?”

Theresa points down the
hallway opposite the kitchen. “First door on your left.”

“
Thanks.” I feel her gaze
lingering on me even as I pass her. The other angels are also
staring, especially Sarah, as she clusters with Jayzee. She still
wears that smirk.

At any rate, I try to ignore
her and keep my steps steady so I don’t lose my balance. The world
spins roughly, and it takes everything I have to finally make it to
the bathroom and shut the door so I can have a few moments without
the other angels lording over me. I was right not to have a great
feeling about being near them. Evan has had a go round with most,
of them so it’s no wonder Theresa was more than happy to defy
Evan’s construct. She knows that typically Evan and I are very
close. This was a way to get back at Evan, and I willingly
requested it.

I lean against the door,
trying to catch my breath before I walk to the vanity and look at
my reflection. While I’m expecting a lot of things, I definitely
didn’t imagine Evan changing my human form.

At that moment, the last few
seconds of my life with Elizabeth jump into my head as I remember
lunging in front of her to absorb the bullet which would have
stolen her life. Clenching my teeth, I have to admit that even on
that score, Evan had no choice but to give me a different body. My
“death” had been witnessed by at least three people. Nothing good
was going to come of that.

I stare at this form, at the
blonde hair very similar to that which I’d had. The eyes are brown,
not blue, but everything seems familiar enough. Even if Elizabeth
were to find me, some part of her would recognize me. Yes, this
body is a few years older, but that wouldn’t matter.

Bending, I splash my face
with water, trying to figure out what I’m going to do. All I can
think about is getting back to Elizabeth, and I know Evan is right.
That is impossible. Jimmie thinks I’m dead. And since I stopped the
man who would have taken Elizabeth’s life, she deserves to have a
chance at something good and normal. It’s not that I’m not good. I
am. But I am anything but normal.

I can’t stand this
separation,
I think, leaning against the
mirror. Part of me wants to go mad and smash the glass into shards,
but I know that won’t help. Nothing will help. The past is the
past, and I can’t change it.

I keep seeing the pain in
her eyes, the desperation, and I know my leaving has cut her
deeply. The chaos within her is dangerous, and there isn’t anything
I can do about it. She is alive, and that is the only thing I have
the right to hope for because I am supposed to be a sojourner, yet
what I carry isn’t souls. I can’t bear that weight
anymore.

The pain and chaos rip
through me, and even before I realize it, I am crying, sobs tearing
through me like the bullet that once ripped through my flesh, and
even though I want to put the pain back into a nice, controlled
box, I can’t. This is what Evan was trying to spare me, and now I
have to live with it. But how?

I sink to the floor, unable
to bear the weight of this chaos and pain. Even through the grief,
I hear someone calling my name and knocking at the door, but I
don’t respond. The memories won’t let me.

In a flash, Theresa kneels
before me and puts her hands on my face. “You must control this,
Lev. You can’t let it control you, no matter how hard it is.” She
keeps trying to make me look up, but I refuse. The last thing I
want is to see myself through her eyes.

Elizabeth, how can I accept
that I will never see you again?

“
Lev! You need to snap out
of this.” Theresa’s voice is harder, edgier, and I feel her grip
tighten. “Get a grip, or I will do my best to erase the memories
for good!”

“
No!” I jerk away from her,
glaring. The thought of never seeing Elizabeth again is agony. The
thought of never being able to remember her is something I can’t
fathom or accept. I wipe the back of my hand across my face and try
to rein in the emotions violently rushing through me. I feel her
watching me via the mirror, gauging how well I’m putting my
emotions in order.

I grit my teeth, wanting to
confront her because I can’t take it anymore, yet I have no right.
The anger is misplaced. I asked for this. She simply complied. The
guilt is mine.

“
Do you want to stay here
tonight?” Her voice is calm and quiet.

My first response is to tell
her I will be returning to the Upper Realm, but I know that won’t
be possible, not until I figure out how to mask what I know, and
right now I can barely control myself. Evan would instantly
recognize what had happened, and I’m not ready to deal with the
repercussions of that one.

I finally nod. “Yes, I’d
appreciate that, if you don’t mind.”

“
Well, you are familiar
with the sectional. And maybe tomorrow you’ll be ready to deal with
the emotions.”

Don’t hold your
breath
, I think, but there’s really no
point in voicing that.

As I start to leave, she
grasps my shoulder and looks me in the eye. I feel the calm she is
trying to saturate me with, and I don’t fight it. I’m too exhausted
to fight it. “I know that whatever memories have been returned to
you are difficult to bear. If not, Evan never would have gone
through the trouble of erasing them, but they can be managed. It’s
not unlike shielding with sojourning.”

A bitter laugh escapes me.
“Yeah, well, I’m not doing so hot at that, either, Theresa. Let’s
just say as a sojourner, I’m pretty much useless.” I rake my
fingers through my hair and take one last glimpse at the stranger
in the mirror, trying to orient myself to this new identity that
seems so far removed from who I am.

“
It takes time, Lev.
Whatever you went through left a mark.” She shakes her head.
“Granted, I haven’t been through anything comparable, but I know
emotional wounds are sometimes trickier than physical ones.” Her
fingers gently squeeze my shoulder. “I am sorry if giving you back
the memories has caused undue pain.”

You have no idea how
tricky.
I stiffen, hating how this
discussion feels. “You didn’t do anything, Theresa. If there is
blame to be had, it belongs to me, not you.”

“
Still,” she goes on,
holding on just a bit longer. “If you need someone to talk to about
any of this, you do know where to find me. Perhaps Evan doesn’t
understand what you’ve lost, and perhaps I can’t do anything to
help, but I can listen, and perhaps, in time, that will help
you.”

“
Perhaps,” I reply and slip
away, wanting to fall into a blackness where nothing exists—not
this pain, not this sadness, nothing.

Chapter Eleven

The night passes in a blurry
montage of moments with Elizabeth, and I wake numerous times, my
gasping breath stuttering against the silence that surrounds me,
and I realize there is no darkness thick enough to take away any of
this. I am stuck with it, and I don’t know how to
function.

I slip away as dawn starts
to trickle pink and blue into the sky, and even as I lift myself
toward the Upper Realm, I can’t get rid of the knowledge I have
asked for because it claims me and burns. While I want to go by and
see Elizabeth, I dare not during waking hours. It is one thing to
be so near to her when she sleeps and her eyes do not reveal that
she lives in a world without me. But awake there is no question I
am absent from her life, and I will continue to be absent because
that is what is required.

Although I wonder if Celia
or Evan would be lingering where I’ve been resting, waiting for me
to get back, no one stands there, which is really a good thing,
considering all the chaos swirling within me I haven’t yet found a
way to dispel.

I look at this starkness
around me and try to figure out what I’m going to do. It’s not like
I can keep sojourning when I can’t carry souls. Perhaps I will have
to be reassigned. Of course, that thought brings me no comfort
because it will mean Elizabeth will be farther away, and I can’t
bear that. In all the years of going through carrying her soul, I
never thought it would finally end, and that I would at last be
free of her. Now that I am, I can’t stand the weight of that
freedom. It smothers me.

I try to block the memories,
but they permeate my thoughts, and it’s difficult to clear them
away. So few memories really, but it’s not the number that destroy;
it’s the content and emotion. It’s seeing her perfect smile when
she was with me in contrast to the haunted expression she now
wears. Loving me has broken her, and I want to fix it, to make
things better for her, but I don’t know how.

“
When did you finally get
back?”

I look up to find Celia
standing nearby. She stares intently at me.