Authors: Ian Frazier
Coyote V. Acme (5 page)
Those who adopt satanism come from all walks of life ⦠. They include doctors, lawyers, professors, university presidents.
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Insight
magazine
Insight
magazine
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ello and welcomeâis this on?âhello and welcome to the ssbt sbt zzzzbt alumni and friends of Brainard
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Brainard University, zzzbt and to all the wheeee ZZZZZZZZZ families of the class of â91. And to all of you new graduates zzzzZZZZZ ZAAA ZAAA AZAZEL AZAZEL ZZZzzzzb sitting down front in your elegant black caps and gowns, let me addâyou made it! Ssssbt zzzzbt zzzeee b'zeee b'zeee zzzZA-MIEL this rain holds off awhile so we don't have to move the ceremony into the gym.
Wheeeeee Moloch, Moloch, serve him
a special welcome to all the faculty emeritiâit's good to have you backânnnnnNERGAL BELIAL LAL-LAL-LAL also to the fiftieth anniversary class of '41. Your special reunion drive raised enough non-earmarked zzzzzzzZZZZ sssssss SSSSSSAMMAEL SCRATCH SCRATCH funds for us to add some badly needed phet phet phet TOPHET phet phet to our physical
plant. Many thanks from the entire Brainard University family.
ello and welcomeâis this on?âhello and welcome to the ssbt sbt zzzzbt alumni and friends of Brainard
bzzzt
Brainard University, zzzbt and to all the wheeee ZZZZZZZZZ families of the class of â91. And to all of you new graduates zzzzZZZZZ ZAAA ZAAA AZAZEL AZAZEL ZZZzzzzb sitting down front in your elegant black caps and gowns, let me addâyou made it! Ssssbt zzzzbt zzzeee b'zeee b'zeee zzzZA-MIEL this rain holds off awhile so we don't have to move the ceremony into the gym.
Wheeeeee Moloch, Moloch, serve him
a special welcome to all the faculty emeritiâit's good to have you backânnnnnNERGAL BELIAL LAL-LAL-LAL also to the fiftieth anniversary class of '41. Your special reunion drive raised enough non-earmarked zzzzzzzZZZZ sssssss SSSSSSAMMAEL SCRATCH SCRATCH funds for us to add some badly needed phet phet phet TOPHET phet phet to our physical
plant. Many thanks from the entire Brainard University family.
-ily-ly-ly-ly eeeeeeee rely here at Brainard on the generosity of individual and corporate contributors ssssssSERPENT AHRIMANESsssss THAMUZzzzzzzz offset an alarming thirty-two-per-cent increase in costs
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unfortunately, a projected shortfall of almost three million dollars. Your loyal support, which has had an enormous impact on our success, bab bab bab BAB BAB ABADDON enhance the quality of the learning experience at Brainard. Wheeeeeee wheeee eeeeee Old Nick Nick Nick a sombre note on this festive occasion, but in the face of unrelenting financial pressures bbbbbbbheeeee beasthood beasthood before the end of the fiscal year on June 30th.
bbbbbbbeeeelzebubbbbbb
unfortunately, a projected shortfall of almost three million dollars. Your loyal support, which has had an enormous impact on our success, bab bab bab BAB BAB ABADDON enhance the quality of the learning experience at Brainard. Wheeeeeee wheeee eeeeee Old Nick Nick Nick a sombre note on this festive occasion, but in the face of unrelenting financial pressures bbbbbbbheeeee beasthood beasthood before the end of the fiscal year on June 30th.
Now for the good news. rrrrr RRRRRRROOOOO-AAAAARRRRRRrrrr HOW-OW-OW-WOW-WOW-WOW-RRRRRR rrrrrOW rrrrrrrrOW rrrrRAHAB RAHAB BAB BAB BAAL BAALIM BAALBERITH rrrrRRROARRR-RRRR awarded summa cum laude. OW OW OW POWERS-OF-THE-AIR magna cum laude, and nearly two hundred receiving the lesser but still very commendable degree of cum laude. In addition, we point with pride to the impressive number of graduates who will be receiving stipendiary hummm hummm hummmMMMMMMMMMMELCHOM RIMMON ASMODEUS APOLLYON CHEMOSH, ROBHES-THE-DOOR-DEMONNNNNNNNNNNNNN nearly half again as many as any university in the area. Again, ooooooooo eeeeeeeeee
Shedim Ahriman Euronymous
Erl-King swarming, swarming,
many prestigious scholars in our tenured and non-tenured faculty.
Shedim Ahriman Euronymous
Erl-King swarming, swarming,
many prestigious scholars in our tenured and non-tenured faculty.
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Takes drink of water.
]
Takes drink of water.
]
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Bzip bzeeeeeeeeeee bzeeeeeeeeeeee
Beasssssst-Massssssster Beassssst-Massssssster
generous bequest of Mr. and Mrs. Harry E. WAAAAAHHHHEEE MAW-WORM expansion of our media center and film department, construction to begin this hhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhh. The reHHHOOOOOOOVESsss zzzzzzzzz, a matching grant from our friends at Electric Boat. Let's give them a round of rrreeeee-rrrrreeeee-reeee
eee-EEEEEE
EREBUS RHADAMANTHUS PRINCE-OF-DARKNESS HORNED-ONE UHN UHN UHN nnnnnn round of applause. We couldn't do it without you.
Beasssssst-Massssssster Beassssst-Massssssster
generous bequest of Mr. and Mrs. Harry E. WAAAAAHHHHEEE MAW-WORM expansion of our media center and film department, construction to begin this hhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhh. The reHHHOOOOOOOVESsss zzzzzzzzz, a matching grant from our friends at Electric Boat. Let's give them a round of rrreeeee-rrrrreeeee-reeee
eee-EEEEEE
EREBUS RHADAMANTHUS PRINCE-OF-DARKNESS HORNED-ONE UHN UHN UHN nnnnnn round of applause. We couldn't do it without you.
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[
Bubbling hellmouth opens in earth in front of podium, then closes.
]
Bubbling hellmouth opens in earth in front of podium, then closes.
]
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As I'm sure we all know only too well, the price of a college education HORROR THE HORROR-ROR-ROR-ROR over the last twenty years zzzz b'zzzzzzzzz b'zzzzzzzzz regrettable b'zzzzzzz
Pazuzu-Prince-of
Locustsssss
, and will for the foreseeable future. Student tuitions actually cover only The-Insect-Inside-You-That-Wants-To-LIVE! which amounts to less than two-fifths of the actual sbt sbeeeee sbeee Baron SAMEDI-eeeeeeeee of every diploma awarded today. And of that two-fifths
Pazuzu-Prince-of
Locustsssss
, and will for the foreseeable future. Student tuitions actually cover only The-Insect-Inside-You-That-Wants-To-LIVE! which amounts to less than two-fifths of the actual sbt sbeeeee sbeee Baron SAMEDI-eeeeeeeee of every diploma awarded today. And of that two-fifths
Â
[
Deafening crack, as lightning hits overhead. Smell of sulfur.
]
Deafening crack, as lightning hits overhead. Smell of sulfur.
]
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in long-term, interest-deferred federal tuition loans. Given the critical nature of the need, we have begun two highly lauded funding outreach programs. I wish I had more answers during this difficult ffffffffffffff Mephisto fffffffft ft pht Astaroth pht fffffff
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[
Whirlwind touches down in center aisle. Sparks from p.a. system.
]
Whirlwind touches down in center aisle. Sparks from p.a. system.
]
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introduce our commencement speaker, Dr. Howard Hall. Born in Springfield, Dr. Hall made his first dollar as a child of six, when he convinced a playmate to purchase a toy he had made. After attending the public schools he matriculated at Brainard where
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Is skewered to floor by religious symbol falling from steeple of school chapel nearby. Prizes self loose, gets up.
]
Is skewered to floor by religious symbol falling from steeple of school chapel nearby. Prizes self loose, gets up.
]
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and went on to earn his Master's at CH-CH-CH-CHORONZON BLACK-RIDER and soon BEHEMOTH BELPHEGOR president of his own SEMJAZA BERALD BARALAMENSIS ADRAMMELECH-eck-eck private listings to realtors. BAL-BAL-BALDACHIENSIS PAU-MACHIE APOLOROSEDES unaffected by the Crash, luckily, ITEMON GENIO LUCIFUGE NAAMAHHHHHH after whom Hall Quadrangle is named. Please join me in giving him a nice
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[
Explodes into smoke
.]
Explodes into smoke
.]
T
o our valued policyholders:
o our valued policyholders:
As the nation's only insurer providing basic health and liability coverage to single, married, and dependent characters in daytime television dramas, First Mutual Protagonist Life & Health is proud of its thirty-five years of service to this exciting community. At First Mutual, we understand the need of invented individuals for a variety of insurance products not offered by other carriers.
Recently, however, due to national economic factors, First Mutual has shared in an industry-wide downturn which threatens the high standard of performance we have always maintained. As a result, we are forced to reassess our present rate scales. Please fill out, sign, and return the appended questionnaire at your earliest convenience in order that we may find the new payment schedule right for you. Failure to do so may result in refund of balance remaining (if any) and full cancellation of your policy within sixty real-time calendar days.
I. PERSONAL HEALTH
(To be completed by all respondents)
Have you ever
1.
suffered from amnesia?
suffered from amnesia?
2.
taken a paternity test?
taken a paternity test?
3.
been declared legally dead?
been declared legally dead?
4.
undergone reconstructive surgery that changed facial features, height, weight, and/or hair color? (If any
yes
to
4
, was condition accompanied by alteration of voice due to damage to laryngeal nerve?)
undergone reconstructive surgery that changed facial features, height, weight, and/or hair color? (If any
yes
to
4
, was condition accompanied by alteration of voice due to damage to laryngeal nerve?)
5.
Have you ever had
pre-engagement
post-engagement
Have you ever had
hysterical pregnancy
temporary blindness
six-week brain tumor
post-hypnotic trauma
fatal nerve disease
paralysis from waist down
temporary blindness
six-week brain tumor
post-hypnotic trauma
fatal nerve disease
paralysis from waist down
pre-engagementpost-engagementfainting spells
catatonia
supposed infertility
character dysfunction
catatonia
supposed infertility
character dysfunction
6.
Did you ever emerge from a coma as Tab Hunter?
Did you ever emerge from a coma as Tab Hunter?
7.
Are you subject to multiple personality or other disorder requiring medication?
Are you subject to multiple personality or other disorder requiring medication?
8.
Have you ever been hospitalized for substance abuse, delusions, or flashback?
Have you ever been hospitalized for substance abuse, delusions, or flashback?
9.
Have you ever:
married
divorced
remarried
discovered former spouse had gotten
pregnant by/impregnated you before divorce
saw new baby
wanted to be part of his/her life
learned new baby had fatal illness
slept with former spouse in order to conceive child in order to harvest its bone marrow in order to save life of child No. 1
harvested bone marrow from child No. 2
saved life of child No. 1
destroyed second marriage
divorced
remarried (previous) former spouse
Have you ever:
marrieddivorcedremarrieddiscovered former spouse had gottenpregnant by/impregnated you before divorce
saw new babywanted to be part of his/her lifelearned new baby had fatal illnessslept with former spouse in order to conceive child in order to harvest its bone marrow in order to save life of child No. 1harvested bone marrow from child No. 2saved life of child No. 1destroyed second marriagedivorcedremarried (previous) former spouseOther books
Blue Movie by Terry Southern
Fragments (The Broken Series Book 2) by Cox, Carrie
Dios no es bueno by Christopher Hitchens
The Seduction Scheme by Kim Lawrence
The Pregnant Bride by Catherine Spencer
The Asylum by Theorin, Johan
The Dating Tutor by Frost, Melissa
Shadow Season by Tom Piccirilli
Breathe by Melanie McCullough