Crag (11 page)

While Crag brushed him, the stallion lowered his lovely head for her to stroke his nose. His eyes were large, dark, and calm, so unlike Crag’s. In spite of his quiet demeanor, his eyes gleamed with inner sparks, like a burned-down fire desperate to rekindle into devouring flames. A few, blissful times she’d seen those sparks turn into an inferno. Lily wondered what he’d been like before entering his service, before his spirit had been twisted and restrained.

“You’re a lovely, aren’t you?” She rubbed beneath the stallion’s forelock and glanced at Crag. “What’s his name?”

“Pale Feet.”

She smiled. Leave it to Crag to pick such a sensible name.

“I’m going for a ride. Do you want to come?” he asked, surprising her. It seemed like forever since they’d talked about anything except healing and impersonal daily happenings.

“Very much, but I’ve never been on a horse before.”

“Nothing to it.” He saddled up and gave her a boost.

She clasped the saddle, feeling a bit dizzy. Pale Feet was very, very tall, much like Crag. He mounted in front of her, and she clasped his waist tightly.

Glancing over his shoulder at her, he smiled. “Don’t worry. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Pale Feet loped out of the settlement and over the grassy hills. After a while, Lily relaxed and loosened her grip on Crag. It was then she became fully aware of his body, the hardness of his back and lean waist beneath her palms. His robe, freshly washed and no longer covered with blood, carried the pleasant scent of herbs. His unbound hair hung down his back in tight, dark brown spirals that tickled her cheek.

They dismounted by a lake and sat on the rocky edge, their feet immersed in the cool water. He turned to her, his eyes gleaming with a look she’d become accustomed to. She sensed he was about to speak of the forbidden, so she decided to keep them on the straight path and said, “Are you going to join Sir Blaze’s faction?”

“I don’t know,” he murmured, glancing into the water. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

She nodded.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied honestly. “I really don’t want to talk about it, either.”

“Lily, I—“

“Please don’t say it,” she whispered.

His jaw clenched. He picked up a stone and flung it so it skimmed across the water. She leaned back on her elbows and glanced at the cloudless sky. A flock of birds flew overhead, their black wings beating against a backdrop of blue. After several moments, they left the water, replaced their shoes, and plopped in the middle of the field where Pale Feet grazed. Neither felt much like talking anymore, and Lily had made it plain they weren’t going to make love. Lying side by side in the sun warmed grass, they closed their eyes and took a short nap. It had been so long since they’d enjoyed peace without cold, fear, exhaustion, and the threat of death. It felt good just to relax with someone else who understood. Lily hadn't known Crag for long, but they’d shared so much. Soon they would part, and after all her good intentions, she wondered if she’d truly have the strength to let him go.

* * * * *

Two days later, Lily stood in the field outside the settlement along with a large group of villagers, Knights, and the new Knights apprentices. Two rows of Knights, swords at their hips, stood at attention, forming a long pathway at the head of which stood Sir Rain and Sir Blaze. A wooden table laden with a dozen swords stood between them. Crag had explained the ritual to Lily. The apprentices whose service had been fulfilled would walk up the pathway and accept the sword with which they would be dubbed when they reached
Travelle
. Only the leader of the Knights, a man called
Mahir
, could dub the newest members of the Order. This ritual was just a formality in which the apprentices accepted their new position.

Lily was lucky to have gotten a spot close to Rain and Blaze. Sir Wood stood beside her along with two new apprentice healers.

The ceremony began suddenly. The Knights, in single file, rode their horses across a shallow brook and dismounted at the foot of the path. They led their horses up to Rain and Blaze, the two Knights of the highest rank available, and extended their hands for the sword. Rain stood watch, but Blaze, being his superior, awarded each apprentice with his sword.

Each accepted his blade, some smiling, others serious, but all respectful. They bowed to Blaze and assembled in a row behind the table.

When Lily noticed Crag riding through the brook, her heartbeat quickened and her hands trembled. The way she felt, one would have thought it was the prelude to her own dubbing. She was so happy for him, knowing how hard he’d worked to achieve his goal and how dedicated he was.

Pale Feet’s hooves thudded in the water. Crag sat astride him wearing a plain black tunic and trousers, no ruby yet over his heart, symbolizing a Knight. That would come after the dubbing ceremony in the fortress of the Ruby Order.

Crag dismounted, Pale Feet’s reins in his hands as he walked up the pathway, his eyes focused on the horizon. He didn’t look happy, didn’t look miserable. He didn’t look as if he felt anything at all.

He stopped before the table, and Lily noticed a glimmer of approval in Rain’s eyes. Blaze took up a sword, holding it across both palms, and offered it to Crag who drew a deep breath. He took the blade, both hands gripping it tightly. For a long moment, he held Sir Blaze’s eyes, then he flung the sword at the Knight’s feet.

Expressions of shock shone in the eyes of the Knights, and a murmur of surprise swept through the crowd.

“What’s he doing?” Lily whispered.

Beside her, Sir Wood’s brow furrowed as he explained, “He’s relinquishing his sword. He’s decided not to join our Order.”

“What?” She stared, dumbstruck. He couldn’t do that! Not after all he’d gone through to become a Knight!

Blaze alone didn’t appear surprised. He held Crag’s eyes and nodded slowly before Crag led his horse away, joining the rest of the onlookers at the back of the crowd.

After the ritual, the crowd dispersed and everyone made their way back to the village.

Lily caught up with Crag in the stable.

“Why did you do that?” she demanded.

He glanced at her. “I don’t want it. I thought I did, but I don’t.”

“But you’ve been through all that service, all that sacrifice!”

He began brushing Pale Feet.

“Don’t you have anything to say?”

He glared. “I don’t owe you or anyone else an explanation. My decision is none of your concern. We were nothing more than a few moments of pleasure to each other, isn’t that right?”

Lily felt her face flush. His life was none of her concern, and no, she wasn’t ready to build a relationship on a few moments of intimacy, but hadn’t they shared enough to at least make them friends? Didn’t he care at all about anything?

“Fine,” she snapped. “Have a good life, Crag, if a miserable bastard like you can.”

She turned on her heel and left just as Blaze stepped inside.

“Don’t bother, Sir,” she told the auburn-haired Knight. “He’ll only chew your head off if you shown him any concern.”

Blaze’s large blue eyes widened in question, but Lily didn’t wait around to explain. She plopped on the ground outside the stable. After a moment, she realized she could hear Crag and Blaze’s conversation.

“I’m sorry for my decision, Sir,” Crag said, though he didn’t sound very sorry.

“It happens at times, that an apprentice feels unable to accept Knighthood, particularly when his service is performed under severe conditions such as yours. Yes, all apprentices are bombarded with duties, but yours were relentless and in the midst of war. Your work was admirable and your skills are desirable to our Order.”

“I can’t.” Crag sighed. “I just can’t.”

“I understand. Your thoughts might change. All is not lost. We will not leave for the dubbing ceremony for two weeks’ time. You have until then.”

“Thank you, Sir, but I don’t expect to change my mind.”

Moments later, Blaze stepped out of the barn. His eyes riveted to Lily. He offered her the slightest smile before continuing on his way.

Lily wrapped her arms around her knees and sighed. Why had she thought there might have been something between her and Crag? Why had she even bothered wanting it? She should have known happiness with a man was not to be hers.

“Lily, what’s wrong?” Coral asked as the two women sat by the brook, scrubbing clothes against the rocks.

She sighed, squeezing the wet fabric of the skirt she washed. “It’s just that I really don’t know what I want to do with my life. I have no one. I can go anywhere. It’s the strangest feeling.”

Coral looked at her with sympathy. Both her and Gem’s husbands had come to
Tanek
, and both couples had decided to settle there. Though she was glad their families were reunited, she couldn’t help feeling envious. The war had hurt everyone, yet some had been left with nothing, just as Lily had been. Still, some of it was from her own doing. She and Crag might have continued their relationship. He’d once wanted to court her publicly, but she wouldn’t have him, and after their conversation at the stable, she realized she’d been right.

“There’s a place about two miles west of here,” Coral said. “It’s called the crossroads. Years ago, people of the Ancient Religion would go there to pray for guidance. Not that I’m saying there’s any truth to the old beliefs, but maybe it’ll be a quiet place for you to think your life through.”

As Lily continued scrubbing, she mulled over Coral’s suggestion. That night, she packed her belongings. Before she left the following morning, she searched for Crag, hoping to make peace with him after their words from the day before, but he was nowhere to be found.

She sighed, saddened by the thought that the previous day might have been the last time she’d ever see him. After all they’d been through, she hated the idea of leaving with bad feelings between them.

The morning was sunny, but a breeze fanned her skin as she walked to the crossroads. The vastness of the place surprised her. Set in a field, woods in the distance, the crossroad was a large cobbled circle with four pathways jutting from it, like reversed wheel spokes. A fountain stood in the grassy center of the circle, four benches surrounding it.

Her brown leather boots were silent as she walked up the nearest pathway, crossed the circle, and sat on the grass near the fountain. She removed an apple from her bag and ate it.

Glancing around the empty field, she listened to birds chirping in distant trees and asked herself exactly what she was doing there. She felt too alone with her thoughts. Without chores to do around the settlement, all she could think about was her loss. Tears welled in her eyes, and she allowed a few to slip down her face before wiping them away. She sat, her knees drawn up to her chest, and stared at a group of ants crawling around the base of the fountain.

The sound of hoof beats echoed across the field. Glancing up, she saw Crag astride Pale Feet. He looked as forlorn as she felt as he rode up one of the pathways.

He slowed Pale Feet, his eyes meeting Lily’s. They held each other’s gaze for a long moment until she swallowed hard and looked away. Pale Feet’s shadow fell upon her as he and Crag moved across the circle. She heard Crag’s deep voice urge Pale Feet on as he kicked the stallion to a gallop and disappeared over the field and into the woods.

The relationship between her and Crag made her head spin. For two people who’d shared so much, why couldn't they talk to each other? Why would they rather remain alone with their pain? Why wouldn’t he tell her his reasons for denying the Order? Why hadn’t she agreed to be his woman?

She remembered the time he’d held her after
Vina
died, and the times they’d made love. If she closed her eyes she could almost feel his chest beneath her cheek, just as she could feel
Vina’s
sweet weight in her arms. She shook her head, knowing she had to move on.

For close to an hour she rested by the fountain, then slung her bag over her shoulder and made her way to the edge of the forest. In the shelter of the trees, she set up camp, gathered wood for a fire, and removed blankets and a small metal pan from her bag to heat food.

It was close to dusk and she was about to build a fire when Crag approached. She jumped, her heart pounding, having been so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t seen or heard him.

He dropped a rabbit he’d killed by her feet.

“I’ll skin it if you cook it,” he said.

Lily wiped dusty hands on her skirt. “That sounds fair.”

“You looked upset earlier. I should have stopped. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “I’m sure you’re sick of handling other people’s problems.”

He touched her arm. “But you’re different, Lily. You’re not just anyone. You’re the woman I—”

“Please don’t.” She shrugged off his hand, not exactly sure what she meant. Did she not want him to touch her? To talk to her? Just a few hours ago, hadn’t she wondered why they couldn’t express affection for each other?

“Lily, please don’t push me away,” he said.

“If you want to make love, find someone else. I told you it’s over between us, at least for now.”