Crash Into Me (16 page)

“Hey.” Ryder lifted his head. “I can practically see the wheels spinning in your head.
Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

She swallowed the lump in her throat, forced a breezy tone she was far from feeling.
“Are you kidding? That was fabulous.”

“It really was.” Jamison heard the smile in his voice, and smiled in return despite
her misgivings. It was hard to stay freaked out when Ryder laid on the charm.

She waited for him to pull out, to move away, to make some excuse about needing to
get back to the bus. He did none of those things. Instead, he put a hand under her
chin and tilted her head back and to the side until she had no choice but to meet
his eyes.

It was hard, harder than she would have imagined possible considering he was still
inside her. Somehow, though, these quiet moments with him felt more intimate, more
frightening, than letting him into her body had.

But she wasn’t a wimp, wasn’t some little girl to run away from her fears or the consequences
of her actions. So, instead of shrugging him off or wallowing in her own insecurities,
she put on her big girl panties and forced all the conflicting emotions down deep
inside of herself. Chose instead to focus on the practical. “We should probably get
back to the bus soon.”

“What if I don’t want to go back?” He shifted a little, angled his hips so that he
hit a particularly sensitive spot inside of her. “What if I want to make love to you
again?”

Jamison gasped, arched back against him as she felt her body respond. She couldn’t
help it. Despite the fears and doubts that had taken up residence inside of her, she
knew she wouldn’t turn Ryder away. Not when he was in this playful mood. And not when
he wanted her. It might not be the same way she wanted him, but it didn’t matter.
Nothing did at that moment but him and the pleasure they could bring each other.

“God, you feel good.” He thrust against her, groaned when her still sensitive sex
clenched around him. “I don’t want to leave you.”

“So don’t.” The words slipped out before she could stop them.

He laughed and she felt the vibration of it deep inside of herself, in her heart as
well as her body. Ryder didn’t laugh nearly enough. “I’m sure that would go over well.
I could just see Jared’s face if I walked onto the bus with you riding me like this.”

“It’s not Jared’s business what we do.” She tightened herself around him, stroked
him from the inside.

“Do that again.” His voice was deeper, huskier than it had been even a moment before.

She did and his head fell forward until his forehead rested on her shoulder. “God,
you feel good, Jamison.”

She lit up a little, thrilled deep inside that he’d used her name. That he hadn’t
called her baby. “So do you, Ryder.”

He didn’t say anything more, just reached between their bodies and stroked a soft
thumb over her clit. She was still sensitive from all her previous orgasms—not to
mention the hard, driving rhythm he’d set while he’d fucked her—and still she responded
to him. She couldn’t help it. There was a part of her that believed she would respond
to him forever. That wherever or whenever he wanted her, she would come running.

The thought terrified her all over again. So that even as she teetered on the brink
of a brand new orgasm, she reached a hand behind her, pushed at his hip. “Stop.”

She sounded so turned on, so breathless, that she wouldn’t have blamed him had he
ignored her. It wasn’t like she could disguise how much she wanted him, after all.

But she’d underestimated Ryder. He stopped immediately, not just the stroking of his
thumb but everything else as well. “Sensitive?” he whispered against her damp skin
as he pulled out of her in a warm rush that left her feeling immediately bereft.

She squeezed her eyes shut, fought back the tears as she nodded against the trailer.
If only he knew just how much.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come at you like that.”

“I wanted you to. It was—” She turned her head so that her eyes met his for the first
time since he’d slipped inside of her. “Wonderful.”

He smiled then and her heart stuttered a little in her chest. Because it wasn’t the
smile he gave the hoards of screaming fans, wasn’t the smile he gave the other guys
or his friends or even the women he slept with. She’d seen all those smiles a hundred—a
thousand—times through the years. No, this was his Jamison smile. The one he kept
just for her, and the fact that he was giving it to her now helped settle her like
nothing else could.

After all, who was she to complain about the way things had played out? Wasn’t this
what she’d wanted all along? For Ryder to see her like a woman? For him to hold her
and love her, if only for a little while? When they’d first started making love, she’d
sworn to herself that she would take whatever he had to offer without strings or complaints.
She wasn’t planning to go back on that promise to herself within minutes of fulfilling
it, was she?

Because it wasn’t like she was looking for happily ever after with him—hell, she was
smart enough to know that wasn’t going to happen. Not with Ryder. Not with his background
and not when he didn’t believe he had a happily ever after in him.

She disagreed, thought he would one day make a woman a fabulous husband—once he came
to understand that a lot of the shit in his life really wasn’t his fault. She’d spent
years trying to prove it to him—as had Jared—but neither of them had ever gotten through
to him.

And then Carrie had come along and he’d been better. For a while. Right up until she’d
been attacked at one of the band’s shows. Ryder had been onstage singing while she’d
been raped in the dressing room, and the guilt and rage had nearly killed him. How
could it not, when Carrie had constantly blamed him for what had happened to her?
Even her suicide note had been a fuck-you to him, a cacophony of hatred and pain that
blamed him for everything bad that had happened to her.

And Ryder had believed her. No matter what Jamison or Jared or any of the other guys
had said, he’d never again been able to see past the villainous view of himself.

Blinking back the tears that came every time she thought of what he’d suffered, Jamison
traced the art on his left arm. Like the phoenix he’d had tattooed on himself, he’d
risen from the ashes of his nightmare of a family. Had reinvented himself. But was
still so locked inside his own perceptions of himself, still such a victim of the
damage his family—and Carrie—had dealt him, that he couldn’t see past the bars.

That didn’t mean she was going to quit trying to convince him of his worth. Ryder
was too wonderful of a person—strong, talented, protective, not to mention deep down
good. He didn’t deserve to suffer for the sins of those who had failed him.

And neither did he deserve her condemning him for what he couldn’t change. Here she
was, still glowing from the most incredible sex of her life, and she was doing everything
she could to put distance between them. That wasn’t fair to either of them.

So why couldn’t she have him—even if it was just for a little while? She’d taken a
leap of faith when she’d jumped on the tour bus and fled San Diego and the mess her
life had become. Had given up control of her destiny while she struggled to write
a cookbook she had no guarantee would ever go anywhere.If she could do that in her
professional life, why couldn’t she do it in her personal life as well? Not forever,
but for the duration of this tour? Why couldn’t she just say to hell with love and
responsibility and happily ever afters and just enjoy being with Ryder as long as
he wanted to be with her? It wouldn’t last forever—it might not even last the week—but
that didn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy every second, and every orgasm, he was willing
to give her.

Decision made, she slipped away from Ryder. Felt a tug deep in her heart at the loss
of his warmth around her, inside her. But she shut that down quickly, determined to
make the next few minutes about what he needed.

Turning to face Ryder, she threw her arms around him. Hugged him to her as tightly
as he’d allow. And tried not to notice the way he stiffened against her. It was a
subtle thing, but she’d had a lot of years to get used to it. Ryder could fuck her
brains out, could go down on her until she screamed and then do it all over again,
but he couldn’t handle the simple affection of a hug.

She held on an extra second anyway—if she could give him nothing else in their time
together, then she wanted to give him this. The ability to touch and be touched in
a way that wasn’t only sexual. He deserved it. Then again, so did she.

But the tension continued to build in him, so she pulled away and shot him a casual
smile as she bent down and retrieved her shorts and underwear from where he’d dropped
them on the ground. Then did her best not to tremble as she pulled them up her legs.
The only way this was going to work was if she acted completely nonchalant.

She wasn’t ready to give him up. Not yet, not when she’d just gotten him. If that
meant she was going to end up heartbroken later, she’d take it. For once, the woman
who tried to control everything was saying to hell with that and giving herself up
to the chaos. Tomorrow could take care of itself.

…

As he shepherded Jamison back toward the bus, Ryder wasn’t sure what to think or how
to act. Part of him was happier than he could ever remember being—which was crazy,
he knew. After all, he hadn’t been in a real relationship since Carrie, hadn’t been
looking for one now. But Jamison wasn’t a one-night-stand kind of girl, wasn’t even
what he’d call a one-week- or one-month-stand kind of girl. Not just because she was
going to be on the road with him for the next few weeks, thus making a one-night stand
impossible, but also because she meant more than that to him. A lot more.

When Jared had asked him to, he’d promised he would stay away from Jamison. And when
he’d made that promise, he’d had every intention of keeping it. After all, she was
sweet and smart and funny and innocent—or maybe not so innocent if he considered all
of the things they’d spent the last hour doing. Still, she was too good for the likes
of him—way too good.

He knew she had a whole life to get back to anyway, one that didn’t involve fucked-up
rock stars and fucking up against an equipment trailer. Trying to change her future,
to weigh her down with all his bullshit baggage, wouldn’t be fair to anyone. Least
of all her.

And maybe it was the really great sex or maybe it was the way she’d hugged him afterward—like
he mattered as something more than bragging rights to her friends—but either way,
he wasn’t ready for it to stop. Wasn’t ready for the pleasure, any of it, to end.
Before Jamison, sex had always been just a means to get out of his head. Even with
Carrie, he’d used it for the momentary pleasure instead of the emotional connection.
That had never bothered him before, because he hadn’t let it.

But now Jamison mattered more than the pleasure and the surcease. She mattered more
than all the shit that haunted him from his past. And while he knew he wasn’t good
enough for her, knew he couldn’t keep her, he wasn’t ready to give her up. Not yet.
Not when the need for her was still a fire torching him from the inside out.

Reaching over, he grasped her hand. Laced her fingers with his own. And stroked his
thumb over the back of her hand.

She started a little, looked up through her lashes. Then smiled at him shyly. In that
moment she looked as different from the woman who had begged him to fuck her as he
was sure he looked from the clean cut guys she was used to dating. Alarm bells went
off in his head.

There was a part of him that wanted to ignore them. He wanted her, more badly than
he could ever remember wanting anything or anyone. But at the same time, he didn’t
want to hurt her. He wanted to make love to her, to feel her arms and legs wrapped
around him, to see her smile at him just like that over and over. But he didn’t want
to lead her on. He couldn’t let her build castles in the air about the two of them
and what they could mean to each other. Even though she meant more to him—even though
the sex had meant more to him—than anything had for a long, long time, he couldn’t
let her think there was more to them than what he was able to give.

“Jamison.” He said her name softly.

“Yes?”

He started to speak, to tell her everything he’d just figured out. That he wanted
her but didn’t want to hurt her. That he wanted to keep making love to her but didn’t
want her to fall in love with him. But when she looked at him like that, eyes wide
and bright and curious, he couldn’t get his tongue around the words.

“That was…”

“I know.” She squeezed his hand before bringing it to her lips and pressing a soft
kiss against his knuckles. Heat spread through him where her lips touched and for
a second he wasn’t sure he could stop himself from taking her again, right there in
the middle of the back parking lot. Only the fact that he didn’t have a condom stopped
him. That and being within sight of the band buses.

“You know it’s okay, right?” she said as she slowly lowered their joined hands.

Actually, he wasn’t sure anything was okay. He felt unsettled, topsy-turvy in a way
he usually avoided like the plague.

When he didn’t answer right away, she continued, “You don’t need to worry about me
falling in love with you. I know what we’re doing here.”

He was glad one of them did, because he was in uncharted territory. But that was what
he loved about Jamison. She’d always understood things without him having to tell
her.

“You know I care about you.”

She rolled her eyes. “God, don’t get all sappy on me, Montgomery. Let’s just relax.
Enjoy ourselves. And when it’s done, it’s done.”

He felt his mouth drop open. “Who are you and what did you do with Jamison?”

“I’m sick of being the good girl and want to have fun for a while.” She kissed his
shoulder, ran her tongue over the top curve of his tattoo. “I can take care of myself.”