Critical Care (34 page)

Claire chuckled after taking a sip of her coffee. The way Erin's voice
carried, everyone in the coffee shop could likely hear.

"What?" Erin asked as if straining to hear. "Yes, I hear you....
Really? I can't believe you did that. How'd it go? ... Her last name's Roberts. Keeley Roberts. Staffing should have her phone number.... What? ... Yes, I checked with ICU an hour ago. They were
taking another X-ray, but she's doing fine.... Well, then, you'd
better hang up. All we need is for you to have an accident too....
Okay. Talk to you later. Bye." Erin disconnected, then turned back
to Claire. "Forget petting sheep. After that call, I'm sure the flying
pigs will be distraction enough."

Claire licked the icing off her fingertip. "Who was that?"

"McSnarly."

Claire lowered her roll, a raisin falling to the table.

"He wanted to tell me he'd found a way to reach Sarah's father
in Pollock Pines; apparently there's some issue with his phone messages. So Logan sent the police to his body shop to tell him to get
over to Sierra Mercy because his daughter needs him. Can you
believe that?" Erin took a sip of her coffee. "And guess what else
our doc is doing on his day off?"

Claire opened her mouth and then closed it without saying
a word.

"Calling Keeley Roberts to apologize." Erin raised her palms. "I'm
serious. He's on some strange campaign today. If I dared to hope,
I'd say that sometime between yesterday and today Logan Caldwell
met God on a mountaintop." She stared at Claire. "What?"

Claire shrugged and feigned innocence but couldn't help smiling. "So," she asked, her grin spreading, "did Dr. Caldwell say anything else?"

"Only that he was planning to check on Sarah when he got
back into town."

Claire's smile faltered. "Back into town?"

"Yes, and that's the weirdest thing of all. He was on his bike on
Highway 1, a few miles outside Carmel."

"Carmel? Why would he ... ?"

"His ex-wife's wedding. He said something about having to
talk to her and 'finally make things right.' Imagine it: your guests
are all gathered, you're wearing this great dress, and the organ
starts to play. It's your second chance at happily ever after. Then
up roars your ex-husband on a motorcycle, and-" Erin halted.
"Claire?"

"I . . . ," Claire whispered, rocked by confusion. She'd seen
Logan just a few hours ago, and he said he'd call her. Yes. He had.
And now he's with Beckah? Her stomach lurched. She'd almost told
him she was falling in love with him.

Erin leaned across the table, her eyes filled with concern.
"What's wrong?"

"You're sure?" Claire asked, telling herself Erin could have misunderstood. Even if Logan had been talking about Beckah, even if
he always talked about Beckah, even if ... No, don't let this be true.
"You're sure he was going to Carmel?"

"Yes," Erin said, and then the confusion on her face slowly
changed to understanding. She pointed to Claire's cell phone. "Uhoh.... He was the call you were expecting? I can't believe this. You
and Logan?"

Claire nodded, then shut her eyes to quell the flow of tears. She
wasn't going to cry; this was humiliating enough without sobbing
in public. "We've been going out, and it's been great." She opened
her eyes. "Was great. Now I don't know what's happening. Logan
showed up this morning just after dawn and-like you said-was
talking about mistakes he'd made and how he needed to make
up for them. Actually you weren't too far off about God and the
mountain." She smiled despite a second rush of tears. "So that
part's all good."

"That part's great. But you mean he didn't say anything about
going to the wedding?"

"No. He was talking about his marriage and how he'd fouled
things up. All of a sudden he just took off. Said he had to do something, had to hurry to get there in time." Claire decided not to say
Logan promised to call. Right now it sounded like a bad line from
a soap opera.

Erin was quiet for moment. "I don't know what to say. Except
that in the time I've known Logan, he hasn't gotten close to any
women. Despite what some people say, deep down I honestly think
the man has a wonderful heart. So if he's opened up to you ..."

Claire took a slow breath. "He has about a lot of things. And
he is wonderful. More than wonderful. He brought me daffodils,
showed me the sunset on his building site, took me fishing, and
made me laugh. He said I make him feel optimistic about things,
that he wants to be in my life." She bit her lower lip. "Remember when you were talking about finding a guy who gets it?" She
tapped her fingers over her heart. "One who understands that it's
what's in here that counts?"

Erin nodded. "Absolutely."

"I think Logan's one of those. And Lord help me, I might be
falling in love with him." She sighed, her throat aching. "I'd started
feeling hopeful for the first time in so long, but now ..."

"Oh, sweetie." Tears welled up in Erin's eyes. "Maybe it's no big
deal that Logan went to Beckah's wedding. Maybe he ... um. . ."

Claire tried to smile, touched by Erin's support. "Maybe he likes
those little bags of candy-coated almonds?"

"Yes!" Erin laughed, swiping at a tear sliding down her cheek.
"Now you're talkin'. And goose pate, organ music, all that fancy
Carmel la-di-da. Logan's a fool for that stuff. Plus, he'd never pass on the chance to get dressed up. Coat, bow tie, paisley cummerbund, patent leather loafers ... the whole GQ thing. Right?"

Despite herself, Claire smiled at the ridiculous image. Thank you
for sending me this amazing friend, God. "Except that when Logan
rushed out of my house this morning, he was wearing plaid flannel, work boots, and was completely covered in sawdust."

Erin grinned. "Well, that settles it. They'll never let him in!"

Their chuckles faded and they were silent for a few moments.
Then Erin reached over to pick at Claire's cinnamon roll, catching
her eye. "His will be done," she said very softly.

"Yes," Claire whispered, trying not to look at her cell phone.

Sarah squinted at the clock on the wall, trying to orient herself.
Eleven forty-five ... in the morning? She glanced out toward the
nurses' desk. Yes, day shift staff. She understood now why patients
got confused in hospitals. It all seemed Alice-in-Wonderland surreal: fluorescent lighting, medication, sleep disturbance, eerie
sounds, and strange dreams.

Despite the pinching pain in her side, Sarah smiled. She'd
stopped having the dream about Emily's birthday party. The one
she'd had over and over since her car collided with the guardrail, the dream with all that candlelight, the silver balloon floating
overhead, and the man with the long hair who was watching her
so intently with such loving and forgiving eyes. She finally realized
that he reminded her of every picture she'd ever seen of Jesus.

Sarah looked at the Bible Chaplain Estes brought early this
morning. She hadn't opened it, and she doubted she would anytime soon. But having it here made her think about Logan and how
they'd prayed together last night for the babies they'd each lost. It felt right, and she hoped he'd found as much comfort as she had.
That their babies were being watched over, and ...

Who is that? Sarah blinked, staring through the doorway at the
man talking with the nurse at the desk. He was middle-aged and a
bit overweight, wearing work twills and a nylon Windbreaker, not
completely bald. But so much grayer than I remember.

Tears filled her eyes and she waved, calling out with every
ounce of her strength, "Daddy!"

Claire sprinted the last quarter mile of Gold Bug Loop, welcoming
the burn in her legs and lungs, far more tolerable than the painful
confusion she'd struggled with since leaving the coffeehouse an
hour ago. A complete jumble of thoughts. Images of Logan holding
his ex-wife in his arms, replays of the conversation they'd shared at
dawn, and endless analysis of his expression and tone when he'd
said, "I'll call you."

She sucked in a breath and pushed harder, pumping her arms,
lengthening her stride, and telling herself to let it all go. Except
that Logan hadn't called, of course. And worse, he seemed to have
turned off his cell phone after he'd reached Carmel. Did he find
Beckah before the wedding?

She didn't know the answer. Maybe she never would because
Logan had shut Claire out. And now ... She slowed to a stop in
front of Kevin's oak tree, gulping air and fighting another alarming
wave of nausea. She breathed slowly through her nose to dispel
the queasiness that swept her since the other awful thought had
surfaced. Her confusion hadn't only been about Logan Caldwell.
It was about God too. Claire needed to face the very real possibility that God was also shutting her out, that he had no intention of answering her prayers about Logan, her future, or even her brother's poor lost cat. It was the only explanation for everything
that had happened these past weeks. God had stopped listening to
Claire as certainly and deliberately as Logan had switched his cell
phone to voice mail. "Logan Caldwell. I'm not available ..."

Not available. Is that what you're telling me, Lord?

Claire swept her fingers across her dripping forehead, then
dropped onto the cool grass, wiggling backward until she rested
her back against the oak's deeply creviced trunk. She blinked up
through its branches at the noon sun, realizing that the familiar
hollow ache in her chest had returned with a vengeance. That
empty hopeless hole left by Kevin's death. It wasn't fair. None of
this was in Claire's master plan; it wasn't supposed to happen.
She'd been so careful to protect herself, her future-her sanitysince her brother's death. She'd prayed for that every single day.
But now she'd run smack into the worst irony of all: God chose to
answer Logan's prayer instead of hers. He met Logan at that oak
stump and inspired him to search his heart ... and find his wife.

Claire sighed. She shouldn't be surprised; she'd suspected that
Logan still had feelings for Beckah. Even if he'd said all those things
about wanting to be included in Claire's life, about wanting to see
her again. Even if he'd held her, comforted her as she talked for
the first time ever about Kevin's death, kissed her so passionately,
made her believe that her heart could feel love again. Even if he'd
given her daffodils ... and helped her to feel hope.

Oh, Lord, why? The ache in Claire's chest became unbearable, and
she blinked against a rush of tears. Why are you doing this to me?

She stood and crossed her arms, trembling as goose bumps
rose on her damp skin. Chills, without the wonderful sense of
well-being and peace that always came at the end of her runs. No
endorphin rush-she hadn't felt it the last several times she'd run either. God was denying Claire this small comfort too. The same
way he'd ignored her desperate prayers. When she'd made plans
to move forward with her new career, God allowed her to be sent
back to the ER, a place he knew would fill her with pain and fear.
And when she'd prayed for her heart to be healed, he let Logan
come into her life instead. To mislead her into being hopeful again,
make her feel safe enough to fall in love. Then God let it all end,
leaving Claire as lost as her brother's one-eared cat. Why? Had it
been too much to ask?

Her gaze drifted to the carved numbers and letters on the tree
above her. The Scripture, her brother's initials, Gayle's initials. A
future that never would be. Her throat squeezed tight and tears
came again. Kevin was gone, Smokey was gone, and Logan was
gone. God wasn't sticking around either. He didn't care about her
plans or that her hopes were dying like that vase of daffodils back
at her brother's cabin.

All she had left was the new job, a decision to be announced
on Monday. It was the reason she'd come to Sierra Mercy Hospital
in the first place. She'd wanted nothing more than to be clinical
educator back then. Everything else and everyone else-Merlene,
Logan, Erin, Sarah, and Jamie-had somehow come into her life
and confused it. They'd steered her away from her plans, knocked
her off track. And it all happened because God stopped listening
to her prayers.