Crossings: A Sovereign Guardians Novel (29 page)

But it was too late.

The portal closed. The wind stopped.

Keller was gone.

Chapter Sixteen

So cold, so cold, so cold
.

I would never be warm again. I curled my body in a tight ball underneath the covers of my bed. Gran had come to check on me. She'd sent in Mac to see if he could get me to talk, but I had nothing to say.

I was empty.

Over and over I saw Keller falling through the portal. His eyes were on me as he jumped, his mouth moving, telling me he loved me. Selflessly giving his own soul in place of mine.

I did not realize on that day that the horrible moans reverberating through the room were coming from me until Granger grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. The look in his eyes reflected everything I felt.

He shook me harder, trying to get me to focus. "Listen to me, Pagan. Listen."

I blinked at him, trying to understand, wondering what he could possibly have to say.

"We can still save him. There's still a chance, but you have to get yourself together. Can you do that?"

My head snapped back at his words. I grabbed his own arms for support. "You can save him?" I stammered in disbelief.

One side of Granger's mouth curved upward. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, but no, I can't do it alone. I'll need the help of the heavens for this one. There's only a very short window before he'll be too far gone to have a chance to come back. I have to go now if he's to have even the slightest chance. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

I shook my head, confused.

"Pagan, I'm leaving now, and I won't be back. Your burden will be that you won't know if he survived or not. We won't be able to come back here again. You don't realize it now, but our mission is complete. You're safe, and once a guardian's mission is done, he has to leave."

I crumpled at his words.

He was leaving me. I would never know if Keller was safe. This couldn't be happening, but it was. I knew it was all true.

A fury boiled inside me, and I grabbed Granger's arms. "You promise me, Granger. You promise me you'll save him."

Granger's form was starting to blink in and out before my eyes. I knew our time was slipping away fast. "Promise me, Granger," I screamed. "Promise me!"

Granger gave me a grim smile and then winked. "He's my best friend, Pagan."

And then he was gone.

Granger told me once it would have been easier if he could have wiped my memories, so that I never knew what had happened. As easy as that would've been to take away this horrible pain in my heart, I would've never agreed to it, even if it were an option. Because despite the pain, I had known real love. I could never trade the memories of my time with Keller, even if it meant the pain would stop.

The door to my bedroom opened, and I pulled my head out from underneath the covers. Gran came into my room and sat on the edge of my bed.

She picked up my hand and placed it in her own. She squeezed gently, and I tried to make the effort to smile at her. She remembered little about her time away. She'd come back happily married, and I tried to be glad for her even as I stayed in my room, hiding from the world.

Gran never knew that I had opened my father's door. I locked up the room that same night and hid the key back where it belonged. She believed my depression was from the news that Faith had been killed in a car wreck. Her car had caught on fire after it had careened off an embankment. Of course a body had never been recovered.

I stayed in my room during the memorial service, letting everyone believe my depression was the reason I didn't attend. No one knew anything about the real Faith except for me. Granger and Keller were gone, and I had no one to talk to except Gran, and I couldn't burden her with the truth, even though I had a feeling she might believe it.

Gran and Mr. Mac were disappointed that both Keller and Granger had disappeared without a word, but they were too happy with their new marriage to focus on it for long. I was the only source of discontent for them, and because I no longer wanted to make Gran sad, I knew I had to start trying to fake the motions of living.

Three weeks had gone by, and as Granger had said, I had not heard a word. How could the guardians be allowed to send comfort to some but leave me here in such misery?

Sitting up in my bed, I leaned over and gave Gran a hug.

"I think I'm going to go outside today, if that's okay with you."

The light in her eyes, assured me she was more than pleased with my answer.

"Would you like Mac or me to walk with you?"

I shook my head and tried to smile at her. "I need to do this on my own."

"Pagan," Gran's eyes were serious now as she really looked at me. "There is such a sadness in you that I've never seen before, even in all the times you were sent away from home. I don't know how to take it away, but I have a feeling there's much more to this than you're willing to share right now."

I nodded my head, holding back the tears. I was so tired of crying.

"When I'm ready to talk, Gran, I'll tell you everything I can. I promise."

Satisfied with my answer, she left, giving me the privacy I needed to shower and change.

The hot water from the faucet helped me feel more alive than I had in weeks, but I still ached on the inside. I'd eaten very little, and the shorts and shirt I put on hung loosely on my already thin frame. My hair was the last thing I attended to before I went outside. I left it down, and then I hurried down the steps, anxious now to escape the house.

Stopping in the foyer, I slipped my feet in my favorite sneakers and then quietly opened and closed the door behind me.

I knew I'd told Gran I was just going out, but I knew exactly where I was going.

The door to the barn opened easily enough. The helmet I had worn only a few weeks earlier was still sitting on the seat of the four wheeler Keller had driven. I put it on my head and tightened the strap. I didn't take the key for the larger ATV Keller had driven. Instead I slid onto the seat of the smaller four wheeler Gran had purchased for me to ride. I knew the engine would be strong enough to take me up to the clearing.

As I drove, I tried not to think, but it was nearly impossible not to remember. Even the wind felt like his caress. My skin tingled in response, remembering what it was like to have Keller touch me, to have him kiss me, to hear him say he loved me. I ached for all I had lost, but even more than that, I ached for the sacrifice Keller had made for me. If Granger had not been able to save him, then every day he suffered was because he had loved me.

The burden of it all, the unfairness of it, was simply too much.

Reaching my destination, I stopped the engine and pulled the helmet from my head. I shook out my hair as I slipped off the seat and stood looking around. My gaze saw every bit of the scenery as I turned in a circle, taking it all in.

Keller had said we would always have this memory, but I was terrified it would fade.

Seeing it again, I knew now I would never forget.

I walked slowly to the space where we'd spread out the quilt for our picnic. Not caring that I didn't have a blanket this time, I lowered my body to the ground. The tears I'd been holding back could not be stopped. I curled up in a ball and crooked my arm underneath my head. The sobs that came from me wracked my body. I beat the ground with my fist and I screamed from the depths of my being, cursing out loud, trying to find a way to ease the pain.

A breeze ruffled my hair, so light, it felt like a kiss and for a moment I stilled, remembering what it was like to have Keller's lips touching me.

"You know, love, I don't think proper Southern girls use those kinds of words."

I froze.

I squeezed my eyes shut, not daring to open them. The voice had sounded so real. I didn't want it to go away.

A touch, so soft, moved across my cheek, and I finally dared to look.

Keller
.

He was really here, pulling me to my feet and wrapping me in his arms. His mouth was kissing me everywhere, over and over. He held me so close I could barely breathe, but I didn't care. I didn't want him to ever let me go. It wasn't a dream. He was here. He was real.

"How?" I managed to say in between the kisses he placed on my mouth. "How are you here?"

"Nothing could keep me away from you, babe. Haven't I convinced you of that yet?" Keller pulled back from me and gazed into my eyes. Then he frowned, looking suddenly unsure.

"Tell me again, sweetheart. Say the words. I want to hear them."

I laughed out loud; I was so happy.

"I love you, Keller. I love you so much."

His dimple showed at the edge of his mouth as he pulled me closer and whispered against my ear, "I was pretty sure you did when you offered to go with a demon to protect me, but I wish you'd have trusted me to protect you."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Well, maybe a little."

My face fell, and he laughed. "I'm kidding, love. I'm teasing you. Speaking of which, I've been thinking about what happened and you know I've often heard a life without faith sucks, but I'm thinking that sounds pretty good right about now."

I groaned. "Tell me you did not just make that joke."

Keller rubbed his nose against mine and said, "You do know you picked me and not the other guy, right? I'm actually the one with the wicked sense of humor." His mouth moved across my cheek and then he kissed my ear sending all sorts of shivers through my body as he whispered, "You'd better get used to it."

Greedily, I wished in that moment that I could have an entire lifetime and more to do just that.

Keller reached out and gently tugged a loose strand of my hair. He smiled, knowing I'd been thinking about him when I wore it down.

"Seriously, Pagan, what you did was the most incredible, unselfish thing I can ever imagine."

I rolled my eyes at his words.

"I'm sorry, but I believe you were the one who threw me out of the way and threw yourself into a portal that would transport you to an
eternal pit of despair
!"

Keller shrugged his shoulders and then grinned. "Oh, that's right. That
was
me."

I kissed him again, not understanding how he was here, scared to ask too many question, but there was at least one thing I still needed to ask.

"Is Granger okay?"

Keller nodded. "He's good. He saved me, of course. I won't bore you with the long story now, but suffice it to say that a legion of angels can cause all kinds of havoc when one of their own is taken."

"I thought you weren't an angel," I smirked.

"Well, don't remind them," Keller shot back. "They might try and return me. And, about that. You know you can't ever tell anyone what really happened. Including Ms. Ellie."

"I know."

Thinking about Faith's supposed car accident, I wondered which side had taken care of that detail, but I didn't really want to know. If I never thought of her again, it would be too soon. The pain she had caused us all, and what had almost happened to Keller...I shuddered thinking about where he'd nearly spent eternity.

"Was it truly horrible?" I asked, and he knew what I meant.

Keller shook his head. "I don't remember most of it. I must have blacked out, and according to Granger, they saved me before I exited the portal. If they hadn't made it in time, well, let's just say I wouldn't be standing here with you now. I thought I could trade my soul for yours, and I wanted to, but Granger didn't think that was my best idea." Keller shook his head. We both knew he was lucky to have a friend like Granger.

Granger had done exactly what Keller had done for me. He'd risked his life. I wouldn't be surprised if Granger had actually gone on his own and only told Keller he'd had help. Both of my guardians were rock stars when it came to that kind of thing.

"I'm sorry it's taken me so many days to get back to you, sweetheart. I wanted to come the minute I was stronger. Traveling with a demon isn't the kindest of rides. I've told you before, though, that free choice is one thing I don't always have as a guardian. You know there are rules, and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't come back until I had permission."

Keller looked at his ring and then back at me. "They cut off the juice to stop me from buzzing out of there."

Of course I wished I could have seen Keller days ago, but none of it mattered because he was here, safe and alive. I'd pushed back all the other problems that stood in our way, not wanting to think about them now that we were finally together.

But I knew this moment was only another memory we would both have. He couldn't stay. He was still a sovereign guardian. His duty was at Crossings.

"Hey, don't look so sad." Keller's knuckles ran down the side of my face, and then he slid his fingers back into my hair. He used his hands to pull me forward, his lips meeting mine. The kiss he gave me next was filled with so much passion, I thought I would cry.

It was the perfect goodbye kiss.

"You're leaving."

"About that..." he began and then stopped.

My eyes devoured him, wondering how he could sound so calm when we would never see each other again.