Crush (27 page)
him.
“I want to die…I don’t want to live like this anymore.” “What about Stacy? What about your friends? What about
your cats? What about ME?!”
His serene fatalism is a clean, cold blade, shredding my
innards. “Stacy will have to deal with it…I’ll leave instructions for
the kids…You…You’ll live over it, I’m sure…As for friends, what
fucking friends? Everyone hates me…”
“You know what? I’m sick of hearing that shit!” I shout at him.
“If everyone hated you, you wouldn’t have had Lloyd, Stacy or me!
And myMom! She loves you, you know that?! If everyone hates you
so much, whydo theycheer whenever you’re up there singing?” He shrugs. “They’re just people in town. Theydon’t
know
me,
and if theydid, they’d hate me.”
“Theyjust saw you kiss me, with tongue!And theycheered…
most of them.”
“Whatever,” he rolls his eyes. “They’re strangers.” “’Cause you won’t let anyone in, Jamie!”
“Because I can’t trust people, Tammy!” he retorts. “I can’t
trust people not to pretend to care, only to stomp on me as soon
as myguard is down!”
“And you think I’m one of them! You think I could give two
shits about you, don’t you?!”
He shrugs indifferently. I can’t button my mouth now. “You
selfish, heartless…You’re cruel…I can’t believe how cruel you
me, forever. Theykilled me. I just didn’t realize it, until now.” “Theydid not kill you! You’re a survivor! And you know it!” His eyes interrupt their lifeless stare with a small blink. “What we have, Jamie…it’s beautiful…it’s real…it’s always
been real…”
“I was happyalone,” he whispers.
“You’re lying to yourself!” I hiss. “You weren’t happy! You were
! Just like me! Miserable, alone, hiding, afraid…fucking afraid…just like me!”
“Please, Tammy,” he says dispassionately. “Just let me go. Let me die…”
I feel the entire world being crushed by a giant, invisible, insidious evil. “I guess you
are
fucked up…Go ahead, then! Do it!”
“Leave,” he commands in a small voice.
I lunge at him and grab the towel bar. We struggle for a few seconds, and I pryit from his clammyfingers and fling it. It clatters metallically into the tub. I take him in my arms and hold him. He resists, thrashing and screaming. My voice is a pained howl. “I’m not letting you go…I’ll never let you go…”
He yields, his body becomes pliant, and he sobs into the front of my shirt. “Now you know…why I don’t trust anybody…why I’m so afraid and ashamed…why I only feel safe when I’m alone, behind locked doors. I don’t know who I can trust. I don’t know who’s for real…who’s going to hurt me next…” He frees a torrent as I hold him against me.
“You punish yourself for everything
they
did, Jamie. You lock yourself away, like they locked you in your room…” His body congeals again. “You deny yourself food, because they starved
his bodyrolling up like a pillbug.
“And you burn yourself, like theyburned you…”
“Stop!”
“Look at this!” I shout, reaching down and lifting his left ankle.
I can feel his heart fracturing. I can feel
his
shame…He wears it like a badge, a scarlet letter. His pain is exposed, open, a wound, a large, swollen, blistered sore. “I don’t know why I do it,” he sobs. “I went to school, became a nurse…I had a foster dad who loved me…but I keep doing it…it hurts…but I can’t
stop
!”
“You think you’re a bad person. You think you
deserve
what they did to you. You think you deserve to be lonely. You think you don’t deserve any happiness. You’re in
prison
, Jamie! You’re still locked in that room with those monsters! You have to break out!”
“You can’t punish
them
, and there’s nobody else to punish, so you punish
yourself
!”
“Please!”
“It’s all you know. You have to break out! You have to let yourself trust again! Don’t push me away. Let me love you. Let me
Even through the starchycotton of his vomit-encrusted scrub top and the soft layer of the white shirt he wears underneath, my fingers trace over the big, thick scars over his shoulder blades. “What are these from, Jamie?”
His breath hiccups. “They’re bedsores. From laying in bed, from starving, from mybones poking out…”
I thought myheart was alreadybroken.
Agut-wrenching sob squeezes from his throat, “Jamie…”
And his arms constrict around me, crushing me, smashing me against him.
Here it is, the feeling I had when Lloyd hugged me that night, so long ago when he spoke of his horror at finding me starved, tortured, beaten, lying in my own waste, in a death bed, condemned to die for no reason other than my parents hated me and wanted to kill me as surelyas they’d killed themselves.
Tammy soaks me as he holds me so tight that I’m likely to smother. But I love it. My arms slide up around his neck. I feel my heart slowlybeginning to gather itself back together.
I’m safe. I’m loved. I’m home.
I belong…here.
“I know why you call me ‘Daddy,’” he cries. “You’re trying to deal with feeling dirty. But you don’t know how. So you go back to that place where you can pretend you
like
feeling dirty, and then you punish yourself. It’s all you know. You can’t help it. You’re still trying to survive. You’re a survivor.”
My heart and lungs discordant, I wince at the familiar compliment. How does he do it? How does he understand me, inside and out?
I don’t understand why God is so good to me, giving me these people. Every time I think God hates me, every time I think God wants me to go awayand die, He gives me someone to help me…to care…to love.
“Tammy, I never meant to imply that I don’t like making love with you…I like it…I love it…I don’t mean to make you think that I feel like you’re raping me every time we do it. I didn’t mean to call you that. It just…came out. It’s like…I became a little boy again… just to deal with feeling so dirty…because every time I feel pleasure, it feels dirty…”
“I know, Jamie…I understand…”
“In so many ways, you’re dealing with a little boy…you know?”
“Yeah,” Tammysays quietly. “I know.”
“How can you forgive me for all this?” I sniffle. “How can you love me after this? How can you
look
at me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Baby,” he whispers.
“I lied to you, told you I’d never had sex…I used you as a surrogate ‘Daddy’ to tryto deal...I said horrible things to you. I’m so hateful. I said you probably got off on the video. I accused you of cheating on me with Yvette.”
Now I reallyhave something to be ashamed of.
“You
were
a virgin, Jamie. You lose your virginity when you make love for the first time, as a consenting adult, with somebody you care about. When you were little, you did what you had to do to survive. I know you love me. I know you know the difference between me and your father. I know what you feel for me is
real
, otherwise you would have latched on to anyguywho paid attention to you.”
That’s right.
He continues. “As for the thing with Yvette, I know she’s a slut, and she is a mean, spiteful bitch, and not to be trusted, but I need you to trust
me
. I don’t like her, and I’ll never sleep with her. I love you. I’ll never stop loving you. And I forgive you, for wanting to kill yourself. God, do you know what it would
do
to me if you killed yourself?!”
“I’m sorry, Tammy…” I whisper, myhead hanging down. “And I’m sorryI slapped you…I will never, ever hit you again…”
“I’m sorry too, Jamie. Asking you if you liked doing those things. I knew you didn’t. I was being hateful too, because I was hurt, but I know good and well you didn’t
like
anyof it.”
“I know you know.”
“I swear to you, I didn’t ask that bitch to send me the video.”
“I know.”
“I didn’t know it existed. I’m sorry I watched it. It upset me so much. I don’t want to think about it anymore. And I don’t want you to either. It’s over. It happened, and neither of us can do anything about it. If I could, Jamie, I would have jumped into that video and saved you. I’d have killed those fuckers…”
He inhales and exhales slowly, his chest expanding against mine. “And I’m sorryI forced you to tell me about all this before you were readyto…”
My arms tighten around him. I squeeze him with all my strength. I’ve got to let him
know
… “It’s okay, Tammy…it’s okay now…I’m glad I told you…maybe you
had
to force me…maybe I never could have otherwise…”
“I don’t want you to die,” he whispers raggedly.
“I’m not going to.”
“Are you sure?” he asks.
“I don’t want to die.”
“Are you
sure
?” he repeats, his breath quickening.
“I want to live…I’m going back to Miss Halliday…”
“I need a good counselor myself…” he admits.
“I’m sorry, Tammy…”
“We’re going to be okaynow…aren’t we…” He isn’t asking.
“Yes.” I burymynose in his chest, nuzzle his throat, my eyes closed, like a newborn kitten seeking the scent of mother’s milk.
“I love the wayyou smell,” I sigh.
“I’m not wearing cologne.”
“I don’t care…I just love your smell…your skin…your hair…
“What about mybreath?”
“That too…”
“So it doesn’t stink?”
“No…” I clap myhand over mymouth. “Does mine?”
“No.”
“I just puked,” I saythrough myhand.
“I puked too. You smell fine…”
“I’m getting puke all over you…mytop…”
“You never stink, even after you smoke, which I wish you wouldn’t do…”
“I’ll quit…”
“I won’t nag you about it…It’s just you have such a good voice. I don’t want you to get throat cancer.”
“I know.”
“I want you to be around, so I can grow old with you.”
I stare at the seam in his collar. “You want to grow old with
now? You’re not going anywhere! You’re
stuck
with me!” “Myveryown leech,” I murmur, inhaling his scent again. “Damn right,” he says fervently.
Reluctantly, I pull away from him. “I’m sorry, Tammy…I need
to get going…I’m going to be late…”
“Take me with you,” he says, and I laugh, “Really, what are
you going to do all night besides be bored out of your mind? Your
Mom’s home now!”
“Talk to you,” he says softly.
I stand on tiptoe and kiss him.
“Really, Jamie. Let me come with you…I don’t want to be
away from you…I…” He falters, then he straightens his posture,
and with more conviction, he says, “I think I should come with you.” “Tammy, I’m going to be fine…I promise. I won’t do anything
to hurt myself. Everything’s okaynow…I feel better. We’re going to
be okay. I love you…I mean it…I do. Don’t be scared. I would never
hurt myself, because I know it would hurt you. I won’t do that to
you…”
He bear-hugs me again. “I love you.”
He’s trembling.
“I love you, Tammy. I’ll love you always, all mylife.” He resists as I gently push him out my front door. “Jamie…
I’m worried…please?”
“Nooo, go on home and get some rest…eat something!” “Jamie, it’s no trouble…I can drive you…I can hang out in the
lounge, take a nap in there if I get sleepy.”
“You’re too sweet.”
“Baby, I’m
scared
!”
I push the door ajar and examine him. He reallyis afraid. Unsettled bywhat I’m seeing, I sigh,“Tammy, I’m going to be
okay. Please believe me…I’m not going to hurt you. I swear…” “It’s not that…I have a bad feeling…”Atear slips from his left
“Tammy, everything’s okaynow…you go on home and I’ll see you in the morning. I’ve got to feed the kids, and…”
“I’ll help you!” he offers, like a helpful little boy.
“Go,” I laugh, “or I’ll never make it to work.”
He finally slinks away, like a puppy with his tail between his legs. He looks so crestfallen, I almost call him back inside, because really, I’d love for him to stay.
But then we’d start talking again, or kissing, or fucking, and then I’d really be late. No…I need to get my ass in gear and go. I pull off my odoriferous scrub top and throw on a new one. I pour the kids’ food, give them each a goodbye pet, grab the kitchen garbage.
Mycell chimes from mypocket. “Are you on your wayyet?”
“No, I just fed the kids. I gotta take out some trash, then I’ll get going.”
“I’m worried…I can’t put myfinger on it…but…”
“Tammy, please,” I entreat. “Don’t think about that video. Put it out of your mind.”
“If only,” he says solemnly.
“I’m okay…I have you, and I know I’m going to be okay.”
“Are you reallysure I can’t come to work with you?” he asks.
“Tammy, I’d feel like shit if you spent a miserable night trying to sleep in one of those lousy geri-chairs. No, please, try to stop worrying and get some sleep. I’ll be home around eightish.”
“Will you at least give me a call when you get there? Let me know you made it?”
“Of course…I’ll call you, Sweetie.”
“Better yet, call in sick,” he says. I’d think he was being playful, but I hear his fear coming through the line.
“I can’t, Sweet…I’d love to stay home with you, all night long, but I can’t. I promised them I could work, so I have to go…they’re going to be pissed as it is when I show up late.”
“So? Let ‘em. They can’t fire you. You’re the only nurse they have that knows what he’s doing!”
“You’re silly…Tammy?”
“Hmmm…”
“I’ve never pretended with you. I did things to deal with feeling dirty, but it was because of myparents.”
“I know that, Baby,” he says. I know, we’d just been over this, but it’s still sitting there, on mychest. I have to be sure he
knows
…
“I
love
having sex with you. You
have
to believe me. I don’t know how you
can
believe me, but I’ve
always
loved you. I
always
wanted to be with you. If they hadn’t made me feel so…I would never have had all these issues. I’m not afraid of
you
…I’m not repulsed by
you
. You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in mylife. I want to be with you all the time, forever, for the rest of my life! I love being near you, I love being close to you…”
I hear him crying.
“I’m just so afraid you’re going to decide…that this isn’t…that it won’t…”
Now I’m crying.
“Uh uh! No, Baby…You’re stuck with me…I mean it…”
“Good,” I sniffle. “I don’t ever want to be able to rid myself of