Crushed (23 page)

Libby opens their quad door, and once inside, Sarah slides off Brady’s back and onto the couch. Libby and I exchange eye rolls when Sarah pulls him down to her. 

“At least move to your room,” Libby says, kicking Brady’s ass gently with the toe of her shoe. 

The quad is decorated more like someone’s home than a dorm room. There’s a couch, chairs, and a big screen TV. Four doors — two on each side — line the room. 

“Which room is Ellie’s?” I ask. 

“That one.” Libby points to the far door on the left. 

I shove Ellie’s bedroom door open, and with my knee and arm, I balance her so I can turn on the light. 

“Welcome to my room,” Ellie slurs. 

It’s completely sterile. No posters. None of that purple, pink, and sparkle crap every girl seems to have in her room. No cutesy stuffed animals. Just school issued furniture, her laptop, and a few school books. 

“Thanks. It’s…” The word ‘empty’ sits on my tongue, but I think better of it. 

“Minimalist?” she suggests. 

“Yeah.” I place her softly on the bed and begin taking off her shoes. It seems wrong to just leave them tossed on the floor, so I walk across the room and place them near the closet.

Part of me wants to peek in her drawers to see if she really does organize her panties by color. I bet she keeps them in the top one, along with perfectly folded socks.

My eyes rest on the only decoration in the room: a framed picture and a wooden box. 

Photo Ellie grins at me as a man — her dad, probably — plants an exaggerated kiss on the side of her face. She looks cute with her long hair pulled into a ponytail and not much older than thirteen. It seems like they were having a fun day.

“Your dad?”

“Yup.” She rolls onto her side and tries propping herself up on one arm. Normally, it would be a sexy look for Ellie, but her hand smashes the side of her face.

“You look like him – the brown hair and eyes,” I say, placing the photo back on the dresser.

Ellie collapses into her pillow. “I guess. Most people say I favor my mom, but I don’t know. I’ve only seen a few pictures of her.”

“She’s not around?” I don’t want to say dead, it seems insensitive.

Ellie grabs her stomach and moans. “Oh, God. The room is spinning.”

“That’s what happens when you’re piss drunk.”

She rolls over and draws her knees to her chest. A long silence falls between us. I watch her back rise and fall, and just when I think she’s passed out, Ellie says, “She left when I was two. I don’t remember her.”

Lots of kids come from divorced families. Even more come from messed-up ones, but I’ve never met anyone whose mom just left. I mean, what kind of mom just leaves her kid?

“Fletch?” 

I kneel next to the bed. My own buzz wore off as soon as I stepped into the dorm. I’m very aware that I’m not only in Ellie’s room, but we’re alone. 

“You okay?” I ask. “Do you need some water?”

She uncovers her eyes and pats the side of my face. “It all feels right when you’re around. You know that, don’t you?” Her head rolls back and forth on the pillow. 

“Whatever you say, Elle.” I want to tell her I feel the same, but what’s the point? She won’t remember tomorrow.

She giggles. “Elle. I like when you call me that.”

From under her desk, I retrieve the metal trashcan and place it next to the bed. She’s going to need it in the near future.

Ellie’s fingers clench my hand. “Stay with me. Please.” Her eyes meet mine, and her thumb rubs the back of my hand. “Give me a birthday present, like the one I gave you. But better.”

I stare down at her, at the amazing girl I like more than any other. My body aches for her soft touch and her warm lips. It would be so easy to slip into bed with Ellie.

But I’d hate myself tomorrow. 

“You know I can’t,” I say. “Not when you’re drunk. I won’t do that to you.”

She pouts, pushing out her lip and batting her eyes. “When did you become moral?”

I kiss her forehead. “When I met you,” I whisper.

Ellie sighs. Her eyes flutter shut, and her breathing slows. 

I stand and flip off the light, but I linger, just wanting to be near her a little longer.

Sometimes, that’s all I need.

33

Reid paces across the floor of my room. In one hand, he holds a box of donuts, and with the other, he shovels them into his mouth. 

“Want some?” he asks. Crumbs fly everywhere.

I shake my head. Even though I didn’t drink as much as I usually do, my stomach heaves and churns at the sight of food. But as bad as I have it, I bet Ellie hates life right now. “Naw.”

“Brady didn’t come home. At least he wasn’t there when I got up. Who’d he hook up with?”

In my closet, I find a hoodie and slip it on over my t-shirt. “Sarah. He was there when I left.”

“Playing hide the pickle?” Reid asks.

I squint at my reflection in the small door mirror. “Probably.” I finger comb my hair and turn back toward Reid. “How come you didn’t show up?”

He tosses the empty donut box on my desk, before picking up his skateboard. “I didn’t want to.”

I understand. He was pretty pissed at Kyle yesterday. “You have to stop moping around.”

We jog down the stairs, and my stomach sloshes with each step. Reid slaps his board on the ground and pushes off. “Was Cal there?”

I jump on my own board and race to catch him. Please let whatever’s in my stomach, stay there. “No. Why would she be?”

I can’t make out what his answer as we fly down the small hill. At the bottom, Reid tumbles forward, and his board shoots to the left. His arms and legs windmill before he regains his balance. I grind to a stop next to him.

“Can you talk to her today? This morning?” Reid jogs over to his board and tucks it under his arm. 

No.

Reid shuffles his foot across the concrete. “I miss Paige. I can’t explain it, but it’s like, I don’t know, I’ve lost part of myself.”

I exhale loudly. “If I do, will you promise to never ask me to do this again?”

“Promise.”

“Fine.” Before I lose my nerve, I jump back on my board and push off, toward the lower campus dorms. My heart thumps like a man going to his hanging.

“I’ll wait here,” Reid shouts behind me.

I skate to the other side of the Quad. Calista strolls under the redwoods, probably on her way back from breakfast. She keeps her head down, like she’s afraid she might trip. From where I stand, she looks tiny and alone.

Breathe, Fletch. You can do this. For Reid.

“Calista!” I call.

She turns toward me slowly, arms folded across her chest, like she’s prepared for battle. 

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I reply as I skate over to her.
Give her a chance, Fletch
. “How are you?”

She narrows her eyes. “Fine.”

Her hair is pulled up in a messy bun thing, and she’s wearing a striped shirt over pajama bottoms. 

“Rough night?” I ask.

Calista rolls her shoulders. “No. Paige and I stayed in and watched movies. Very exciting.”

A few kids walk past us. I know they’re not, but it seems like they’re staring and wondering what’s going on. 

“Sounds fun,” I say flatly. “Hey, speaking of Paige, Reid wanted me to ask you about her.”

Calista chews on her cheek. “Can we go inside?” she asks, motioning to the other students. “I’m cold.”

I don’t want to go inside with Calista. “Okay.” 

There’s no sign of the RA at the empty sign-in desk. Figures. Most of them like to sleep late on the weekends.

Calista leads me down the hallway to her room. “Is Paige here?” I ask.

She gives me an undecipherable look over her shoulder. “No.”

Of course not. Fucking Reid and his inability to take care of his own shit. I make a point of keeping the door open when we enter her room. 

“Want a drink?” she asks. 

“Do you have Coke?”

“Only diet.” She takes two cans from the mini-fridge and carries them back to the couch. I stay standing, ready to flee as soon as I get the answers I need. 

“Here.” She hands me a cold can.

I pop the tab and take a long drink, hoping it will give me enough time to gather my thoughts. Being alone with Calista doesn’t usually work out well for me.

“About Paige,” I say. “Reid wants to know if she—”

“I lied to you.” And BAM. It’s out there. She just dove right in.

I lower the can and say in my calmest voice, “I don’t want to do this, Cal. It’s too late.”

She lowers her head so that her long lashes bat at me. “You have to listen to me, Fletch. Please.”

Her cautious smile rips at my heart. I’ve never been able to say no to Calista. Not when she bats her eyes and smiles like this. And even though my brain screams, “Run, idiot, run,” I stay. For Reid. 

“Cal, look. What you said – you can’t just take it back. You killed me.”

She curls onto the futon. Her shirt slips off her shoulder, just a little. “I didn’t want to get hurt again. Every time we hook up, you go off with some other girl. Maybe it didn’t seem like it, but it hurt. I spent so many nights crying over you. And this thing with Ellie – you were always with her. I knew as soon as we got back to Harker, you’d run off with her.”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to talk about that. I need to know if Paige is mad at Reid. He wants her to take him back.”

Calista sets her can on the table. “No, she’s not mad. She’s hurt. And yes, if he asked, she’d get back together with him.”

“Cool, thanks.” 

I’m about halfway across the room, feeling pretty good about escaping unscathed, when she says, “I would have been a good girlfriend. If you had really wanted it.”

This is the crux of all our problems. I didn’t really want it, and she knew it. I wanted a girlfriend, but I wasn’t willing to give up my side projects. Not for her.

I’m walking on a landmine. Any wrong move and my guts are going to end up splattered across Cal’s spotless room. Still, I can’t stop myself.

 “So a good girlfriend lies to you and doesn’t really like you?” 

I expect her to say something, anything, but she simply keeps her eyes trained on my face. My bravery grows with each word. “I don’t want to wake up one day like my parents, with a wife who puts up with my — quote — ‘shit’ for the money. I want a girlfriend who I don’t want to screw around on.”

“Wait.” Calista tugs the elastic off her bun, and her curls spill over her shoulders. “Is this about us or your parents?”

“Both,” I say. “My dad screws around on my mom.” 

Cal raises her eyebrows and snorts. “Everyone knows that, Fletch. It’s one of the perks of being a Colson, you can screw anything you want, and it’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I don’t want to be like that.”

“Are you like that with Ellie?”

I stare out the window. The sun streams through the trees and dapples the lawn.

“Ellie and me – we only kissed once. On my birthday. I—” The image of Ellie lying in her bed, hair spread out on the pillow burns in my mind. Not to mention the way I feel when she laughs. Or how I never want anything to hurt her. 

“I love her,” I sputter. And I realize it’s true. Maybe it was the stupid bet at first that kept me from touching her or hitting on her, but now I do it out of respect. Out of love.

Calista grimaces. “Whatever. You used to love me. Remember? Or do I need to make you remember?” 

She reaches for my hand and moves her eyes down, before locking on her target — the front of my jeans. Calista glances back up to me, tilts her head, and parts her mouth slightly. It’s a look I’ve seen a million times. One that used to drive me crazy.

I yank my hand away. “What are you doing? I just told you I love Ellie.”

Calista leans back against the couch. She wraps a dark curl around her finger. “Whatever. One day, you’ll be back here. When you figure out I’m the only one who understands you.”

“I wouldn’t count on that,” I say angrily.

She laughs. “Oh, Fletch. For someone so smart, you are such a dumbass sometimes.”

34

Brady and Reid’s room reeks like a stale locker room. So frickin’ gross. We cover every free spot on the floor because no one wants to sit on Brady’s bed — we’re all afraid of what he’s done on it. It’s bad enough that I had to shove suspiciously crusty looking socks out of my way to sit down.

We’re all here, even Paige, Calista…and Ellie. Since Reid and Paige got back together, Cal’s always around again. Smiling. Taunting. Waiting for me to fail and prove her right. 

Alex dangles a baggie between his fingers. “Who’s in?”

Everyone. Except Ellie. No matter how often we ask, she always says no. 

Next to me, Paige rubs her hand over Reid’s stubbly head while Alex gets the pipe ready. “I’m happy it’s finally growing back. Gives me something to hold on to.”

Brady sticks his finger down his throat. “I don’t want to hear about your sexcapades anymore.”

I snort. “Dude, you should talk. All we heard in Cabo was about that girl in the shower. Oh, and the two you shared with Alex.”

Across the room, Alex grins. “That was fucking awesome.”

“That,” I sputter, “was nasty. Those girls looked like they’d had an arsenal of STDs ready to unleash on the world.”

Ellie chokes on her soda. “Ewww. Fletch.”

I duck from her slap. “What? They did. One of them was constantly scratching. Wasn’t she, Reid?” 

“Indeed, she was.”

Despite Brady’s best efforts, Ellie refused to cancel her plans with Sarah and Libby and join us in Cabo. Just like I told him she would. Calista and Paige ended up not coming either, so Reid and I mostly hung out by the pool during the day, working off hangovers while Brady and Alex trolled the beach and clubs for girls.

Alex takes the first hit on the pipe and closes his eyes. “Mmmm. Now that’s good.”

It’s weird sitting here with everyone again. To Paige’s left, Cal sits cross-legged. She’s doing her practiced-indifference act toward me again. Like nothing I do bothers her. Maybe it doesn’t, but when she thinks no one will notice, she shoots daggers at Ellie. Whatever. I’ve given up trying to figure her out.