Cuts Like An Angel (30 page)

His chest suddenly tightened, like something was lodged in there crying from the deepest depths of him. It craved something—a need to be filled—yet he had no idea how he would or if he could. Josh pulled the other phone from his pocket and dialled.

“William?” Rosie’s gentle voice came on the other end.

“Rosie,” he whispered. The world around him faded into echoes.

“William, what’s wrong?”

He pressed himself against the wall, transporting himself into the place in his head where William met Rosie and everything was good with the world. “Nothing. I just needed to hear your voice,” he said quietly. “Are you having a good day?”

There was a pause. “Yes …”

William frowned. “Rosie, what is it?” he asked. “Is it Josh?”

“Josh?” she croaked. “No … I mean …” She let out a sudden sob, and William’s hackles rose.

He stood up straight. “Talk to me, Rosie.”

She breathed deeply and sniffed. “In a minute,” she said, letting out her breath. “Tell me about you first. Give me something to focus on. What have you been doing?”

It niggled at him as he paced—he desperately wanted to know why she was crying.

“Please,” she begged.

He clenched his jaw, fighting down his unease. “I’m at the hospital.”

“What?” she yelped down the phone. “William, are you okay?”

“It’s not me.” He hesitated. “It’s my friend. She fell.”

“Jesus. I’m so sorry. Is she okay?”

“She’s fine. Just a bang. It’s nothing.”

“God, William. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Fake sympathy. He was an imposter receiving the care from Rosie … sweet Rosie. “Tell me now? What has you so upset?”

He heard the sound of a door banging and the clatter of pots. She was out somewhere. “My sister has come to visit. Remember I told you?”

“Yes?”

“Well, she came last night.” She let out a defeated sigh. “I have to go and visit my parents,” she said after a long pause. “My sister says my dad isn’t well, and I have to go there … and I don’t want to, William. I don’t. I have to tell Josh, and what if he’s upset? What if he won’t want me to come back? ” she rattled on at fifty miles an hour while Josh stood frozen with those first words …
I have to go.

There was no way to offer her comfort when she had just torn his world apart. The full implication of what she was saying slammed into him and he leaned against the wall to stay upright.

She was leaving … She wouldn’t come back. They never did. She’d go away and realise what a drag he was and not want to come back to him.

“William? Are you there?”

“I’m here,” he croaked out, masking the panic in his voice.

“I’m scared, William.”

He couldn’t think straight.
She was leaving
. God, no. He could hear her soft snivels, her nose blocked from her crying. “Why?” he said hoarsely, fists clenched.

“What if I can't get back? I don’t have a lot of money, and maybe they won’t buy me a ticket to come back.”

Josh’s mind flushed with darkness … No. No, that wouldn’t happen. “I can give you the money, Rosie.” He tried to keep the desperation from his voice. But even giving her the money to return was like tossing a million pennies into a wishing well. It was useless.

“I can't ask that of you.”

“You’re not asking. I’m giving,” he said hastily. It was all he had.

“I can't. William. It’s so wrong.”

“Listen to me, my sweet Rosie.” His hands trembled as he clutched his phone, his entire being shaking. “You can borrow it off me if that makes you feel better. Because I know you. I know you’re good, and you’ll come back, you’ll pay me back.”

He could practically hear her mind working, frantic. “I will,” she said, a little lighter in her voice. “But ...”

“No. I want to loan it to you, okay?” A muscle worked along his jaw.
Jesus, please say yes
. A loan was the only tether for his sanity. A loan that obligated her.

He held his breath as he waited for her reply, his heart hammering in his chest. “Okay,” she finally whispered. “Okay.”

He shut his eyes tightly and told his heart to calm the fuck down. He had to get off the phone. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. She couldn’t leave. “I’ll call you later, okay, Rosie? We’ll sort it out. I promise,” he said gruffly, then ended the call before she could answer. He sagged against the wall and slid to the ground, the phone still clutched tightly in his hand. Pain lashed through him, his heart splitting in two.

She couldn’t leave.

Not now.

Not when he had only just found her ...

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Rosie

Rosie pulled up at the house, foreboding and dread churning inside her. William … he’d sounded frantic to help her. Like he didn’t want her to leave. He’d cut ties with her but it was like he’d not.  What was he thinking? God, she’d forgot to even ask about him, how he was holding up.

More dread burned in her gut at realizing she’d not even told him yet about her and Josh making things official.  

She pulled out her phone and dialed him. It went to voice mail and she hung up. Not a voice mail, she couldn’t tell him that way. She texted him.
I forgot to ask how you were doing? Thank you so much for being there for me and helping me.

She sent that and waited for a reply. A minute later, she typed
Hey, I wanted to talk to you about Josh.

Again she sat, waiting for a response, poking the phone against her chin then looking about. The house loomed in complete darkness, giving off a mysterious vibe. It reminded her of how much she didn’t really know about Josh, still. What was he doing, anyway? She peered at the black cavity on the shed where he usually parked his bike, unable to make out anything. Was he even here? 

He’d had a shitty day with that
Maria
person
. Don’t even go there
.
Don’t.
She especially wouldn’t think about him going back to this woman when she left to go to America.

The phone buzzed in her hand, startling her. “William.”
What do you want to talk about?

Can you call?
she quickly texted.

Not really. Too loud here.

Where are you?

Just out. Talk to me.

She chewed on her lower lip then typed,
I would rather …
she deleted it. Maybe text was better for him.
I did what you said. With Josh?
She stared at the screen, holding her breath.

I’m so happy for you, Rosie. You did the right thing, he’s the right man for you.

She slid her jaw slowly side to side, feeling sick.
What about you?

What about me? I’ll live, Rosie. Remember what I love? This actually works out perfectly for me.

Right. Her chest clenched and tears flooded her eyes. To think he was broken and loving it. To think he was so broken that he
would
love it
. There are other fish in the sea
she texted then held her thumb on the delete key until the letters disappeared.
I’m not the only woman like me.
She sighed, deleting that too.
You’ll find somebody, I know you will.

Sweet Rosie. Maybe you’re right. I’ll keep my eyes open. Are you still leaving?

He didn’t want to talk about it. Which meant it was probably too painful.
I have to. To see my dad.

She took a deep breath and looked around before glancing back at her phone.
Josh won’t like that
he texted.

She paused, her brows drawing together.
Why would you say that?

Rosie … Josh needs to tell you something. Something pretty big.

Her heart began to hammer at his strange words. 
What do you mean?
How do you know?

I just know. Promise me you won’t hate Josh.

Oh God. She stared at those words, looking around again before typing.
Tell me what’s going on William.
Are you saying you know Josh?

Ask him. Ask him how he knows me. That’s all.

Jesus please, no. Please don’t do this. She texted,
William just tell me.

No. He has to tell you. Josh, not me.

She couldn’t handle anything bad, she didn’t want to.
I’m just getting home.

Yes, you are, Rosie. Because Josh is home for you.

Another slice of pain streaked through her. William was so hurt, she knew it with every part of her, could feel it.
I don’t want to lose our friendship.

You’ll always be with me. Even if I never see you.

Tears clouded the words on the screen and spilled over. It felt like the end. She couldn’t handle that.
Promise me you won’t do anything stupid?
The
Déjà vu
hit her from the first night she talked to him on the helpline, making her sob.

Go talk to Josh sweet Rosie. He has to tell you things. I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I caused you any pain. I never ever wanted that. Goodbye.

William, call me. Don’t leave.

She waited in the silence, her sobs escaping in spurts. Every second he didn’t text back felt like a death that cut her breath and sat on her chest like a million tons. What did Josh know about him? Oh God. What was happening? Why would she hate Josh?

She opened her door and turned on her cell phone, using the light to see the path leading to the front door. She tried the handle and it opened.

“Josh?” she called in the dark, feeling for the light switch on the wall. Glass crunched under her feet, sending fear through her. She flipped the switch but nothing worked. She pulled up the flashlight on the cell phone and aimed the trembling light beam before her. “Shit,” she gushed at the wreckage. Was it a burglar? Were they still there?

She stepped through debris, making her way toward the kitchen where she found the same destruction. Everything was everywhere. She spotted smears of blood and gasped in cold terror. She eyed the food from the fridge strewn across the kitchen either pulverized, broken, or smashed. 

She turned back to the foyer, carefully stepping through shit. Whoever had done it seemed set on demolishing every single thing they touched.

She was afraid to call out now.

The police. She turned her phone over and nearly dropped it when it buzzed in her hand. Whimpering loudly, she whispered the name on the screen. “Josh.”

Don’t come upstairs.

Panic stole all reason and she raced without thought, up to his room.
He has to tell you …
Something was very wrong. What had William meant? What had he
done?
“Josh!” she screamed, not finding him in the wreckage in his bedroom.

She spun and ran to the bathroom, throwing open the door.

“No lights!” he yelled.

She quickly fumbled with her cell phone and shut off the light. Her breaths filled the quiet bathroom but she’d seen it. A terrifying wreckage of blood and glass everywhere.

Josh knelt in the tub, behind the shower curtain. “Josh,” she whispered, trembling as she took a step. The sound of glass crunched under her feet. “Are … are you okay?”

He gave a light snort as she slowly made her way toward the tub. “I talked to William.”

“I know,” he said, his tone even.

“So … you know what he said?”

“Yes.”

She paused, not going another step. “Talk to me, Josh,” she whispered, shakily. “You have something to tell me?” She waited in the silence, fighting to breathe past her fears.

“I do.” 

“I’m ready. You can tell me anything, we can work through anything, right?” She prayed that was true.

Her phone buzzed in her hand and she looked at it.

William.
I lied to you.

She stared at the words, confused and scared.

“You can answer,” Josh said.

She looked at the silhouette behind the curtain. “It can wait,” she said. “Tell me.”

“Answer it,” he ordered quietly.

Forty

Josh

Josh clutched the phone to his chest, the keys slick with blood. The palms of his hands throbbed in a mixture of ecstasy and agony. Every beat of his heart pumped more blood from the wounds, making his head swim and his eyes long to close.

“Josh …” Rosie whimpered a few feet from him. “You’re scaring me.”

“Please answer your phone.”

The light from her screen lit her face, casting shadows over her beautiful features. “It’s William,” she said. “He says the money is on the counter behind me.” She stepped closer, her foot crunching on more glass.

“Don’t come over here,” Josh said.

“What does he mean, Josh. Did William do this … William was here? I don’t understand,” she said, her voice bordering panic. Her breaths came fast and ragged, tearing at his heart. He’d not meant to do this. He slammed the phone into his forehead, smashing the plastic casing into his skull. “Josh … Did William do this to you?”

“The money is there for you. So you can come back.”

“He told you? Josh.” She stepped again.

“Stop.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice tight. “I-I didn’t mean …  William came here? Please tell me what’s going on. I don’t understand.”

“Do you love William?”

“What?” She moved again, the glass clinking together under her shoes.

“Stop. I told you not to move,” he ground.

“Let me see what he did. I need to see.”

“Do you love William,” he managed to shudder.

“Josh …”

“Just … fucking tell me,” he whispered. “Please.”

The silence cut through his brain as he waited. “He’s … very special to me.”

“But do you
love
him.”

“Please don’t do this.”

Why couldn’t she just answer him? He clutched his phone, leaning forward in the bathtub. More glass crunched, him this time, under his knees. “It’s a simple question.”

“Yes,” she said softly. “Yes I do.”

“And me? Do you love me?”

“You’re scaring me. Let me see you.” She pulled the cord for the light, but it just clicked.

“How can you love him? He’s such a fuck up. How can you love that?”

She didn’t answer for a long while, her breaths erratic, wanting to speak, maybe afraid to. “William … is a beautiful soul,” she said. “He’s hurt that’s all. Can you please tell me what is happening?”

He wanted to wretch at the
beautiful soul
term. “You need to end it with him. You need him to leave you alone.”

“Please, Josh. Don’t ask me to do that.”

“Do you love me?”

She let out a sob, her voice hindering on wailing. “Of course I do, Josh. I love you. It’s just …”

“You love him more?”

“No. It’s different.” She moved again toward him.

“Stay. There.”

“No. I want to see what he did.” She lunged for the shower curtain and Josh grabbed for it too, tugging it back from her.

“Text him back,” he said. “Then you can see me. If you still want to.”

She froze, hand on the edge of the curtain. This close to her, he couldn’t help slide his hand up to where her fingers held on. “What do I say to him?”

“Anything. Doesn’t matter. Just text him.”

“I can speak to him later.”

“Text him,” he demanded. “Right now.”

She let go of the curtain and the light from her phone cast her silhouette on the milky fabric. He listened to the soft click of keys as she tapped in her message. “There. I’ve …” Her words cut off when Josh’s phone buzzed in the bath.

“Text again.”

She did, without argument this time.

The phone vibrated again, against the tub.

“I don’t understand,” she said as William’s phone blared out.

Josh reached down for it, pushing the glass away and silenced it.

“Why … do you have William’s phone?”

God, how did she not see? He sat himself into the tub, fatigue washing over him. “Rosie …” 

He sat in the silence, his breathes slow and labored. The curtain suddenly yanked to the side and Josh pushed his face into his drawn up knees.

“Oh my God, oh my God,” she whispered, sounding sick. “Josh, talk to me.”

“What’s the point when you’re leaving,” he ground out painfully against his knees.

Josh’s heart dropped as the sound of a cord pulled and the fluorescent light above the sink blinked and hummed slowly to life. “Oh God,” she gasped. “What did he do?” She crouched down, reaching for Josh, telling him she still didn’t get it. She still didn’t see his lie. “Look at me. Please.”

He turned his head slowly. Enough so that he could see her, see her eyes shocked, and brimming with tears.

“You’re leaving,” he half whispered. “They all leave.”

She shook her head and wiped her falling tears. “Only to sort something out. I’m coming back,” she assured with a nod.

He shook his head. “You won’t. Not when you know.”

“Know? Josh? Did William do this?”

“Yes,” he said quietly. “He wanted to get out. He wouldn’t stop.” He held up his bloodied hand, showing her the gashes marking his skin in a criss cross pattern. He unfurled his other hand revealing a shard of glass covered in blood. Deep, red, and dark.

“I’ve loved you since that first night,” Josh said. “That night a month ago.”

“Josh …”  she strained. “I-I didn’t know you a month ago. I …”

He shook his head, his words bordering on making him vomit. But he’d done that enough already. There was nothing left inside him to bring up. His hands trembled with the rest of his being, painful electricity that surged under his skin and ended in his chest to imprisoned his lungs.  “I called to say goodbye, you know,” he whispered. “That was all. It was stupid. The number was right there. Right on the bridge … on a sticker, and I called it. I don’t even know why.”

Rosie put her hand over her mouth, shaking her head at him. “Josh …”

“You answered the phone. I don’t know why you did, but … I still jumped, you know?”

“Jumped?”

“Off the bridge, Rosie. There was nothing left.”

“Oh my God.” The shrill cry muffled from behind her hand.

“I woke up on the embankment. Fucking angry. All that shit, and then I was still alive. Still alive. I just walked, Rosie. I walked all the way to the emergency room. All I could hear was your voice,” he strained. “I’d never heard anyone like you, I’d never
felt
anybody like you.”

Her face shined with tears. “William?” she finally asked. “You’re … you’re William?

Guilt slammed him and stole his breath. “I’m so sorry,” he nearly wretched, feeling so fucking dirty and disgusting.

She stared at him, saying nothing, agony twisting her beautiful face. Stupid fucking William. She was going to leave now. He didn’t blame her.