Daisy (16 page)

On Christmas day, Paige came to my house—not as many toys to make her frown or Christmas decorations to remind her of what she was missing. We had a
Lord of the Rings
movie marathon—extended versions—and used the break between movie one and movie two to make brownies.

Her ex called halfway through the second movie, and I paused the action while she talked to her boys. She was such a tender, nurturing mother, and I tried not to compare my style to hers too much. I’d never been very good at the soft and squishy parts of motherhood. Maybe because I had been so young when I started, or because I had to keep a roof over our heads. But Paige was doing that too. I had always looked forward to a weekend without the girls, and while I’d never been alone for a holiday before, I’d wished I was more than once—it was so much work trying to keep them sufficiently entertained.

“Man, I miss them,” Paige said.

I hadn’t realized she’d finished the call, or that I was on the brink of tears as regret washed over me.

“Has she called?” Paige asked, seeing right through me.

I shook my head while swallowing the lump in my throat, embarrassed to be so transparent even though I appreciated that we could understand one another. “It’s okay, though,” I said, letting out a breath and pulling myself back together. “Now let’s watch Aragorn kick the snot out of those Uruk-hai.”

After the second movie ended, we decided to throw together some pasta, and in the process we started talking about the Christian symbolism in the movies. I was impressed with things she found that I hadn’t seen, but I called a few she hadn’t considered such as the way Saruman tempted Gandolph to use his powers to support Sauron just as Satan tempted Christ, and how Aragorn makes the sign of the cross over Boromir as he’s dying.

“Huh. Didn’t catch that one either,” Paige said. “You really do know your Christianity.”

I shrugged but felt pride instead of frustration with my religious background. On my way home from Paige’s last night, I’d passed a Catholic church all lit up for midnight Mass. I hadn’t stopped but part of me had wanted to. Maybe next year.

“So do you,” I said, taking my plate of fettuccine to the table. “I didn’t realize Mormons were Christian until we met.”

“Yeah, lots of people don’t think we’re Christian. I don’t really know why—the name of our church is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

“I didn’t know why either,” I said, twirling some fettuccine onto my fork.

“So you were raised religious?” Paige asked, and I could hear the careful nature of her comment. I remembered the defensive position she’d had to take during the first book group and wondered if she got that a lot.

“I was raised Catholic,” I said. “Very Catholic.”

“You’re not practicing anymore?”

“No,” I said, trying not to feel uncomfortable, but I did. When was the last time I’d discussed religion with anyone? “I had some negative experiences.”

“Yeah,” Paige said. “I’ve had a few moments of that myself.” She paused then looked up sharply. “Not that I’m saying you shouldn’t have stopped going or anything. I’m not trying to be judgmental.”

She spoke fast and scared, and I smiled. “I didn’t feel judged,” I said. “Church just didn’t work for me. It doesn’t bug me to say that.”

“How about God? Do you believe in Him? I’m just curious.”

I thought about what my mom had said, how church was a vehicle to God, and how well that blended with the conversation we’d had at book group when we’d discussed
The Poisonwood Bible.
“I believe in God,” I said. “I’m not sure I like Him all the time, though.”

I could tell Paige was uncomfortable with that, but she didn’t say anything, so I quickly changed the subject back to the movies. “And what about the whole
Return of the King
? It’s only the base foundation of all Christianity, awaiting the Second Coming. Am I right?”

It ended up being a very good day. We were both hurting, and yet we had found some sisterhood together. I was grateful. At the end of the night, after we had beat the Tolkien discussions to death, Paige asked me what I was going to do now that Paul had left.

“The house is Paul’s,” I said. “I’m not on the mortgage, and he makes the payments. I keep hoping he’s going to come home and have a different opinion, but I feel silly holding my breath. I guess I need to look for an apartment.” I paused, letting the idea settle like a hammer on my toe. I took a deep breath and tried to shrug as I pinched off a corner of a leftover brownie. “This is still so
Twilight Zone.
”

Paige gave me a sympathetic smile. “The office isn’t open on Monday, so I have the day off. What if we go look at apartments and maternity clothes?”

“Sounds horrible,” I said, brushing crumbs from my fingers.

“We could get pedicures, too,” she said.

“Okay, you talked me in to it.”

I was only half paying attention when Paige and I went out on Monday. We found two apartments that looked good. One wouldn’t be ready for a month, but the other one was available now and not far from Paige. I was so not happy about returning to apartment life, but I tried not to make a big deal about it due to the fact that Paige was in an apartment, and I didn’t want to sound like a snob.

We also found a few maternity boutiques. I pretty much bought whatever Paige said looked good since it all looked ridiculous to me. I was such a zeppelin. The pedicures were the best part—I chose red for the season I didn’t feel much enamored with. At the end of the day, I gave her a big hug, thanking her profusely for making the holiday bearable.

“Right back at ya,” Paige said. “You totally saved me.”

I went back to work on Tuesday despite the fact that half the office didn’t come in. I heard nothing from Paul, and Wednesday became almost the same day as Tuesday, except that I wore a different whale costume to work. On my way home Wednesday night, I stopped at the apartment complex near Paige’s place in Tustin. The manager met me at the door of the available apartment, and I walked through it with new eyes, trying to quell my resentment of having to make yet another change in my life.

“Let me think on it a little longer,” I said, forcing a smile as we headed out of a place that didn’t seem as though it would ever really feel like home. Would the people below me have late-night parties? Would someone down the hall cook with onions too often? I hated living in apartments.

I went home to a dinner of leftover fettuccine in an empty house. I texted Stormy to tell her I loved her. She didn’t text back. I cried myself to sleep for the fourth night in a row.

Thursday afternoon I left the office early to go to my appointment with Dr. Cortez. He tried looking for the baby’s gender, but the appointment was instead dominated by the discovery that the placenta was covering part of my cervix—placenta previa, he called it.

“It should move up as the baby grows and expands the uterus,” Dr. Cortez said, the hint of a lilt to his words. “But avoid lifting or aerobic exercise until your next appointment, okay? And give me a call if you have any cramping or spotting.”

“Okay,” I agreed. I didn’t realize until I was getting dressed that I hadn’t even looked at the monitor when he did the ultrasound. Not that I’d ever been able to tell what it was on the screen anyway, but why hadn’t I even looked?

I was invited to a New Year’s party by a neighbor I talked to only a few times a year. Paige had a date with a guy named Derryl that she didn’t talk about much but smiled over every time she said his name. I was glad she was going out, but a little jealous too. Livvy called and invited me to her house for the holiday. I was touched, but had already committed to my neighbor’s party, which turned into a total bore. I was in bed by ten, spent New Year’s Day catching up on a scrapbook I’d abandoned five years earlier, and breathed a sigh of relief when I went to bed that night.

The holidays were over. I had survived.

At work, I finally let myself think about the fact that I hadn’t seen or heard from my husband in a week and a half. Nothing. I suspected that he’d come home for clothes once or twice while I was at work last week, but he’d managed to avoid me entirely. I called the manager of the apartment complex I’d looked at and asked if the unit was still available.

“Yes,” he said eagerly. “You could move in tomorrow.”

“How about Saturday?” I had the brief reminder that Saturday was book group night and grimaced. I’d thrown my copy of
Silas Marner
at Paige and never gotten it back. But I wanted to go. Maybe it could be my reward after I moved all day. I’m sure the girls in the group wouldn’t mind that I hadn’t finished the book.

I made an appointment to sign the contract the next morning. Then I dejunked every closet in the house while playing my
Forrest Gump
soundtrack at full blast. I didn’t have any boxes to pack things in yet, but left my closet fodder in piles and stacks throughout the house so that only Paul’s stuff went back in the newly cleaned closet. I cried the whole time.

The next morning I lay in bed too long. Everything had become so real and so heavy. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t go to work. I couldn’t
do
this. But I did get out of bed, feeling sore and heavy, and got ready for work. I did what I had always done—pulled myself up by my bootstraps and got on with my life, even though I felt dead inside. I stopped at the apartment complex on my way into the office and signed the contract. I’d pick up keys on Friday. Wow.

At the office, I took the stairs in hopes that I could stave off the insane weight gain that had me in its sights. By the last floor, my belly was hurting, and I was breathing hard. Was I already
that
big that it hurt to do normal things? No more Szechuan chicken and pralines and cream for me. In between work projects, I called the utility companies to get things switched over and hired a moving company to come to the house at eight o’clock Saturday morning. Every time emotion threatened to overcome me, I took a breath and pushed it away. There was too much to do to waste time with so many
feelings.

At eleven, I took a break to use the bathroom. That’s when I realized I was bleeding.