Dancing for the Badman (Russian Bratva Book 3) (5 page)

It’s been so long
, so long since I have been anywhere near him. All I can think about is the way he made me feel and how much I have always loved him.

“Did you enjoy those men touching you tonight?” he asks. I freeze before my eyes widen in surprise.

“Kirill,” I murmur. His hand quickly wraps around the front of my throat and he leans his face down so that our noses are practically touching.

“Did you like the way their hands rubbed all over your bare body, Tati?” he growls. It sends a shiver of fear down my spine.

“No, I did not,” I admit.

Shame as I have never felt before fills me and my eyes water.

I am a horrible person. I let men touch me for money and now Kirill knows. I once was only his—pure, except for his touch. But I am no longer so. I can’t even add up how many men have touched me, how many I have flirted with and danced for, how many I have rubbed against.

I have told myself all of these years that it has been for Kiska, to provide for her; but now, for the first time,
I feel like a whore.

“You looked like you enjoyed it. I wonder how would you feel if it were my hands?”

“Don’t,” I sob, afraid of what’s to come.

His eyes are so dark, so cold, so harsh looking. Gone are the warm, gray eyes that looked into my soul and knew me all those years ago. He is a man now, a hardened man.

“You fear me?” he asks as if this is a surprise.

Kirill’s hand is around my throat and his dark eyes are looking at me with complete distain.
Of course I fear him
. He is completely terrifying in this moment. He is not the same person. Then again, neither am I.

“Please, don’t hurt me,” I beg. His hand tightens, cutting off my air supply as his jaw tenses before he completely lets me go and takes a step back.

“I should kill you right here and right now,” he warns.

I don’t respond to his threat. I’m too damn scared he’ll follow through.

Agent Green said he was a killer, that he was dangerous. I believed him; but after years of recalling the love he showed me, I wondered how I could believe such horrible things about him.

Now I know.

It has always been in him. My sub-conscious must have known. Scared, young, and pregnant, I followed my gut, no matter how badly my heart ached and broke.

“Get the fuck in the car,” he barks.

Against my better judgement, I do as he orders. The last bus has already run. Unless I want to walk home, I have no other choice but to get into Kirill’s car.

“Where are you taking me?” I ask once he starts the engine of his luxury car. I don’t know the brand, but I can tell that it is plush. The seats feel supple and smooth under my fingers.

“To that shit-hole you call home,” he grunts.

“What is happening?” I ask in confusion.

“I’m not letting you out of my sight again, Tati. You have some fucking explaining to do, and I’m not going anywhere until I hear it all,” he announces.

I look down at my hands, my eyes focusing on my duffle bag at my feet. I do have explaining to do.
A shit ton
. A decade’s worth.

I thought I would have more time until I had to come clean. I thought that I would have time to formulate what I wanted to tell him, how I wanted to present myself. But I don’t; and for whatever reason, he thinks I died. I’m so confused and baffled. Completely and totally baffled.

“You can’t come inside,” I say in a panic once he pulls up in front of my building.

“Yes, I can,” he announces.

“No, really, you can’t,” I plead.

“I know about the girl—my daughter,” he informs me. I gasp.

“You were following me.
Us
,” I say. He nods.

I reach out and slap him, unable to control myself. He scared the ever loving shit out of me. His hand wraps around my wrist and he squeezes.

“You ever hit me again, Tati, and I will hit you back. Consider that your one freebie,” he warns, his voice low and menacing.

“You scared me,” I whimper as his fingers tighten on my wrist and he forces my hand down.

“You knew?” he asks, confusion clear on his features.

“Of course, I knew. I know what it’s like to be stalked and watched,” I admit. His eyes search my face.

I give him nothing. Absolutely nothing. The ass.

“Who has stalked you?” he demands fiercely.

I wish I could just tell him, give him the answer, but I can’t. I don’t know his intentions, but I do know that he isn’t back because he’s found me and loves me. I can see when he looks at me that he doesn’t harbor any kindness toward me.

Lust,
yes
. Hate,
yes
. Anger,
definitely
.

“It doesn’t matter. Just don’t, don’t do anything like that again, please. It frightened me,” I murmur. He releases my hand.

“Fair enough. I will not stalk you any longer,” he mumbles.

“You still cannot come inside,” I announce. His head shoots up and his eyes narrow on me.

“I can and I will.”

“I live in a one-bedroom apartment, Kirill. I sleep in the living room. Aside from all of that, I don’t want to just have you there when Kiska wakes up. I need to talk to her before we proceed, and first
we
need to talk to each other,” I explain.

“Kiska?” he asks.

“Kiska Barysheva Orlova,” I simply state. His mouth drops slightly.

“You gave her part of my name?” he whispers.

“Just because I left doesn’t mean I didn’t love you,” I murmur.

“I will be right here when you return from taking her to school in the morning, and we will talk. I will meet her after school tomorrow,” he announces.

His words and his attitude leave no room for discussion. Therefore, I do not argue. I nod and slide out of the car. His hand wraps around my forearm and he stops me before I can stand completely. I look back at him with slight confusion and then he speaks.

“You will tell me everything tomorrow, Tatyana. Your life is now changed,” he says.

I nod, unable to really respond.

The moment he grabbed me from behind and pushed me against the alley wall, I knew my life would be forever changed. It didn’t matter who grabbed me, from that moment on, I would never be the same.

I’m thankful it wasn’t a man who meant to assault me, but I am under no illusions that Kirill will not hurt me.
He has the ability to destroy me
. By the look in his eyes, he will do so with zero hesitation.

I make my way inside of my apartment and relieve Mrs. Hernandez with gratitude and a handful of cash from the night. Once she has left, I walk straight into my bathroom and strip out of my clothes. I wash my face and then look in the mirror. I am not the same girl I was at eighteen. I’ve aged. I’m no longer the shy virgin Kirill loved
. I am a woman, a mother, a stripper
.

The hot water does not wash away my heartache; it doesn’t ease my mind that Kirill thinks poorly of me. I have never wanted him to think of me as anything other than his
zolotse
, his gold. But now—now he knows I will never be that again. The illusions and the memories of what once was and what could have been are shattered.

I am not the same doe-eyed girl just as he is not the same gray-eyed boy.

We are changed.

Hardened
.

We may never fall in love with each other again, but maybe, hopefully, for Kiska, we can co-exist.

I close my eyes and try to rest but sleep evades me as the memories of my past come rushing forward.

“Moyo zolotse, you shimmer like gold, do you know this?” Kirill asks as he runs his fingers through my hair. We’re naked in bed. He’s holding onto me, and I’m resting my head on his shoulder.

“You’re silly,” I chuckle, avoiding his sweet words.

“I would like to meet your family, Tati,” he murmurs, pressing his lips to the top of my head.

“There is only my mother, Kirill, you know this,” I say as my fingertip circles his flat nipple.

“You have a father. You remember him, maybe we should find him,” he offers.

“Why? So he can reject me again? I don’t think so. If you want to meet my mother, you can. She’s not very friendly, so I make no promises that she’ll like you.” I giggle as he rolls on top of me, his hips nestled between my thighs.

“I’m a fucking delight; she’ll love me. All women do,” he smirks. I laugh even harder.

“So humble, my love,” I grin, biting my bottom lip.

“Say it again,” he grunts as his eyes darken to the color of charcoal.

“My love,” I whisper before my breath hitches.

“Moyo zolotse,” he whispers before his lips touch mine and his cock enters me in one swift thrust of his hips.

We made love. It wasn’t fucking, it wasn’t just sex, it was passionate love. That was the moment we conceived Kiska. I loved him with all of my heart and soul.

I knew he was my love, just as I had professed. What I didn’t know was who and what he was at the time. When I found out—and it wasn’t from him, but from an FBI Agent—I ran scared.

If I could take that back, I would.

If I could go back to the time when I was his
moyo zolotse
and he was
my love,
I would in a heartbeat.

I would take back the past ten years and I would go back to him.

Maybe we wouldn’t have worked out, but at least I would have known that I gave it all that I could, instead of running scared and giving up.

I
DON’T SLEEP.

I can’t.

I make Kiska a big breakfast of pancakes, bacon, and eggs. When she sleepily rubs her eyes as she walks out of her room, she stops dead at the sight of me in the kitchen cooking. Her dark hair is all messy and matted, her eyes tired and focused on me. She looks exactly like Kirill when he’s first waking from sleep. It’s been a while since I have seen him that way, but some things you never forget.

“What’s wrong?” she asks as I plate her food and place it down on the table.

I busy myself with my own plate before I motion for her to sit.

“I need to talk to you,” I say.

I want to assure her that nothing is wrong, but what the hell do I know? I can’t tell the future, and this Kirill that I met last night—he
scares
me.

“You’re not sick are you?” she asks, furrowing her brow.

I almost laugh, but instead I shake my head and wrap my hand around hers before I explain.

“You remember how yesterday you said you wanted to meet your father? You wanted me to contact him?” She nods but doesn’t say anything. “He has found us. I only talked to him briefly last night, and today, while you are in school, we are going to discuss some things that are long overdue. But he would like to meet you after school,” I blurt out, unable to pause or even slow down my words.

“Really?” she asks with a smile on her face.

“Really,” I nod.

“Wow. Will he like me?” she asks. It breaks my heart. Shatters it completely.

“
Kiska
!” I practically shout. Her head snaps up. “He will love you, wholly and completely. He already knows about you and is very anxious to meet you. He wanted to this morning, but I wanted to make sure you have plenty of time to spend together, so I asked him to come after school.”

“Really?”” she breathes.

“Really. Now eat up and get ready for school. Today is going to be a fantastic day, my Kiska girl,” I grin. She returns my grin with a bright, blinding smile. I love it.

I walk her to school, as I do every day. Except today, she is practically running there. I can tell her excitement is above and beyond anything she has ever felt before, and I’m so happy for her. I am. I’m scared for myself, the way Kirill was last night—he’s unreadable. But for Kiska—
for Kiska I am ecstatic
.

On my way back home, I feel as though somebody is watching me again. Instead of being scared, I’m pissed off. It has to be Kirill, and it angers me. Especially since I specifically asked him not to do that last night. I have had no sleep, I am stressed out, worried, and
freaked
. He really should not fuck with me today.

“In a hurry?” A deep voice asks, stepping out from beside my building. I jump slightly before I realize that it is Agent Green.