Dancing Naked (22 page)

Kia didn’t respond.

Justin picked up a long strand of her hair and twisted it between his fingers, feeling its texture. “Some guy is going to be so lucky ...”

She looked up, her eyes shimmering with tears. “I hope it works out with Blair. He looks like a nice guy.”

He smiled, untangled his fingers from her hair and wrapped his arms around her. They hugged for a long time, feeling the depth of their friendship.

May 3

I have to give her up.

There.

I’ve said it.

“That’s a strong heartbeat your baby has, Kia.” Dr. Miyata jotted something in the file.

“She’s not
my
baby anymore.” Kia struggled to a sitting position. By now she knew that the heart-rate check was the last thing the doctor did each time.

“It is
your
baby, Kia,” the doctor said as she put the file aside and sat beside the examining table, “until you give it away. And
it
is depending on
you
to provide a nourishing and healthy prenatal environment. That’s an extremely important parental responsibility.” She studied Kia carefully. “And you will always be this child’s birth mother. Nobody can take that away from you.”

“Being a birth mom means nothing. It means I got pregnant. Just about any female can do that.”

“The woman you’re giving her to couldn’t.”

Kia just shrugged.

“And not every child is lucky enough to be given to carefully screened and selected parents. Ask any social worker or schoolteacher. Some kids are real unlucky with the parents they get. And those are their biological ones.”

Kia slid off the examination table and zipped up the fasteners on her maternity pants. “I haven’t got much more room to grow in these,” she commented.

“Maybe you could wear dresses for the summer,” the doctor suggested.

“You mean tents. Or moo-moos. Oh yeah. They’re flattering.”

The doctor ignored the comment. “You’ll probably find them cooler in the heat, anyway.” She watched as Kia sat in the chair and leaned over her bulging belly to tie up her laces. “That’s a big healthy baby you’re carrying, Kia. Are you looking forward to seeing it?”

Kia leaned back with a sigh. “I’ve decided I don’t want to see her. I just want you to give her to Joanna and Brett. It will be less painful that way.”

The doctor nodded. “I understand where you’re coming from, Kia,” she said as she got up and ran the water to wash her hands. “But you know, it might be better if you did see it, and even hold it. Otherwise the birth won’t seem real, and it may be harder to heal emotionally.”

“I don’t know. If I get her in my arms ...”

“All I’m asking is that you just think about it some more, Kia.” Dr. Miyata dried her hands on some paper towel. “Saying goodbye is a good thing. It’s like when someone dies we have a funeral or memorial service. It helps us accept the ending and then we can move on more easily.” She paused, tossing the crumpled paper towel in the garbage. “It’s certainly your choice, but spending a couple days in the hospital with the baby might ease the transition for you.”

“Whatever.” Kia stood, ready to leave.

“How did it go when you broke the news to the adoptive parents that you were ready to sign a contract?”

Tears sprang to Kia’s eyes, and she sank back down in
the chair, but she smiled for the first time that afternoon. “It was pretty crazy.” She shook her head, remembering. “Joanna and Brett couldn’t stop crying, and everyone was hugging. Even Sadie the social worker got caught up in it and cried too.”

“How did
you
feel?”

Kia wiped her eyes. “In a way I felt great,” she said. “Like the way you feel when you give someone the perfect gift. But it’s also scary because there’s no turning back now. Legally I get twenty-five days after the birth to change my mind, but how could I do that to them? Yet...” Kia frowned. “I’m still scared I won’t be able to hand her over. That’s why I think I shouldn’t even see her.”

“I know you can do it.”

“I wish I was so sure.”

From:
        Kia <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Justin <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          June 16
Subject:
     prenatal
hi justin. prenatal is starting up again in a couple of weeks. are you still willing to be my ‘partner’? i’ll understand if you don’t want to. my mom is really anxious to do it with me, and Joanna volunteered 2, but i’d much rather have you along. my mom’s acting weird lately — way too moody! and joanna’s great but i just don’t want her there. i don’t know why really. it’s just a feeling. somehow i always feel guilty for being pregnant when she’s around. feel free to analyze. :-)
i wish youth group didn’t break up for the summer. i’m so bored already. shawna’s gone for 2 months to camp and there’s no one else i really want to be around. actually, no
one wants to be around me. besides, everyone’s doing sports — which I’m not into right now (duh), or working (who’s gonna hire me this summer!) or partying — and i don’t get invited to those anymore.
heavy sigh. yes, it’s going to be a long one.
k.

From:
        Justin <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Kia <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          June 16
Subject:
     Re: prenatal
i don’t need to analyze. you’re doing a fine job all on your own.
yes! i’ll be there for prenatal. i’d never have forgiven u if you’d replaced me. and about this summer. i could sure use some more steady volunteers at the seniors’ home. interested?

From:
        Kia <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Justin <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          June 17
Subject:
     analyzing
okay, i know why i’m not invited to parties, and i guess i know why i don’t want joanna at prenatal, but could you explain my mom? this is not your usual pms kind of thing. she’s usually so cool but right now she just has to glance at me and she gets all choked. i can’t stand it. my dad, he’s another story. i’d swear he’s avoiding me. i probably embarrass him, or maybe i’m just so disgusting to look at right now.
good idea about volunteering more at the seniors’ home!!!
i’ll stock up on the community service points. what kind of stuff can I do with them?
BFN
kia

From:
        Justin <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Kia <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          June 17
Subject:
     Re: analyzing
about your parents, ki, talk to them. they’re cool, so something’s up and u need to know what it is so u don’t imagine the wrong stuff. go ask them. now. you’ll be glad u did. what’s happening with your little sister?
we’ll find stuff for you to do with the seniors. not to worry.
j.

From:
        Kia <
[email protected]
>
To:
             Justin <
[email protected]
>
Date:
          June 17
Subject:
     nagging
angie’s been acting weird too. she doesn’t bring her friends home anymore but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. and you’re right. i’ll call a family meeting tonight. thanks for nagging. LOL.
hugs
k.

~ baby has eyebrows
~ eyelashes are developing
~ baby is regulating its own temperature
~ she’s the size of a small doll

June 17

It’s grief!!! It was sooo obvious but I just couldn’t see it. As I get bigger and bigger the truth of what is happening is getting to all of us. I’m grieving for a lost year, lost dreams (Derek, Justin), lost friends, loss of my “body” and for (god! I don’t even want to write it down!) losing her. (I wish I could erase that)

Mom & Dad are grieving for loss of control (over me), loss of their oldest “child’ and loss of their first grandchild.

Angie is grieving too. She can’t look up to me as the perfect sister anymore. She’s ashamed. And she doesn’t have me all to herself – she sees the unborn baby as some kind of competition.

So now I know what’s bothering everyone, what do I do about it? Maybe I should have gone away for nine months. Maybe I should have aborted ...

No!!! I did the right thing.

Kia pushed Grace’s wheelchair along the gravel path that ran
parallel to the river. When they reached the lookout point, she locked the brakes on the chair and carefully lowered herself onto a bench that overlooked the river. Only a narrow stream of water was now snaking its way past the seniors’ home. The rest of the riverbed was dry and dusty.

Kia sighed and placed her hands on her large belly.

“What is it, Kia? Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” She leaned back, crossed one ankle over the other and stared out at the sluggish stream.

“How much longer before the baby arrives?”

“About five weeks.”

“Probably the longest five weeks of your life.” Grace leaned closer and ran her hand over Kia’s tummy. “Hard to believe it can get much bigger, but it will.”

“Don’t remind me.” Kia slouched down some more. She tilted her head back until it lay on the backrest of the bench. Her long hair almost brushed the ground as she studied the clouds. “You know, in some ways I don’t even want her to be born,” she said. “Right now she’s all mine.” She hugged her belly with both arms. “After she’s born she becomes someone else’s.” She turned to look at Grace. “Do you have children?”

“I did. But I outlived them both. And I never even got to have grandchildren.”

“Oh,” Kia groaned, sitting up. “It must be awful to outlive your kids.” She wiped away the tears that had sprung to her eyes.

“It is,” Grace agreed. “I can’t think of anything worse. I’d gladly have given my life to spare theirs.”

They went back to sitting in silence, Kia studying the trickle of water and Grace studying Kia.

“What’s really on your mind, Kia?” Grace said suddenly.

Kia shrugged and looked away. “I don’t know. A lot of stuff, I guess.” She paused, considering the question. “Grace, do you think my life will ever go back to normal?”

“What’s normal?”

“The same as before.”

“You’ll never be the same as before, Kia,” Grace said gently, “so neither will your life. Too much has happened in the last seven or eight months, and knowing you have a child out there, even if you’re not raising her yourself, will change you. But that doesn’t mean that your life won’t be full and exciting again. It’ll just be a little different.”

“What about my friends? Will it ever be the same with them again?”

“With the real ones, it will.”

Kia sighed. “I guess you’re right.”

“I know I’m right. What else is bothering you?”

“Well ...” Kia flushed and looked away. “I’m wondering if I’ll ever want to be pregnant again, or if I’ll even want to, you know,” she looked at her feet, “have sex again.”

“Aha! I bet that’s what’s
really
bothering you!” Grace teased.

Kia smiled shyly. “I guess it is, sort of. But ...”

“It was easier in my day,” Grace interrupted. “Most of us—not all, of course—but most of us waited until we were married.”

Kia tried to picture Grace as a young woman, but her joints were so gnarled and her wrinkles so deep it was impossible to conjure the image.

“But even then, Kia, it was hard. Sometimes I found myself pining to have a ... a physical relationship with
someone, even when I knew it wasn’t right.”

Kia nodded. She understood perfectly. It was just like what she’d had with Derek.

“There was one handsome young man who didn’t go overseas during the war with the others. I forget why.” Kia could tell by the faraway look in Grace’s eyes that she was reliving another time in her mind, but then a soft smile lit her face. “I’ll never forget him. He would drop by and ask if there was anything we needed done around the house. He always seemed to know when I’d be alone...”

Kia leaned closer to Grace, whose voice had grown softer.

“But never you mind, nosey thing!” Grace said, shaking her head and bringing herself back to the present. She turned to look at Kia. “The point is, our heads are often at odds with our bodies, and it doesn’t change in old age. I still feel young at heart. I’d like to jump out of this wheelchair and dance naked in the moonlight, but,” she laughed at Kia’s expression, “obviously I can’t. When I was young and lithe, I didn’t, because my head told my body not to. Now it’s the other way around.”

Kia smiled. “I wish you could. Then we’d see how graceful you really are.”

They sat quietly for a moment, each lost in her own thoughts. “You know, Kia,” Grace said, suddenly sounding serious, “I’m proud of you.”

“You are?”

“Yes. You made a choice, a difficult one, but one that was right for you. And once you made your decision you could have hidden away for the duration of your pregnancy, like lots of girls do, but instead you’ve faced the world with
your head held high. That is a brave thing to do.”