Dandyland Diaries (9 page)

He immediately became suspicious upon driving up to his house. The lights were all on where normally she was an energy stickler and alw
ays made sure everything was turned off before she went to bed. It was very late and there was no way she would have still been up.

Gavin got out of the car and walked up the steps to her front door. The door’s lock had been jimmied and the door was ajar.
He entered the front hallway cautiously and called out to his girlfriend, “Baby!” No answer.

He stepped further into the house. “Baby!” he called again.

He heard a moan in the bathroom so he rushed to the half closed door and looked inside to find his girlfriend severely beaten and stabbed. He saw one wound that scared him the most and it was right across the center of her back. She was able to moan so at least he knew she was alive, but she had lost a ridiculous amount of blood.

             
Gavin grabbed his phone and called 911. He remained calm as he called in the assault. He held her hand and told her to keep looking at him. He wanted her to focus on his eyes to keep her from going unconscious and keeping her chances of survival higher. He knew if she slipped away now, he would loose her forever. He managed to apply enough pressure on the wound to her back to slow the bleeding down.

The paramedics arrive in record time thankfully. They did what they could for her right then and there but Gavin was a trained Parame
dic and he knew how grim the prognosis could be. He had seen this before and the patient hadn’t lived. He wanted to go with her in the ambulance but the police needed to take his statement. No matter how much he begged to do it at a later time, the police would not oblige.

By the time he was able to get to the hospital, his girlfriend had been rushed in to the O.R. The nurse at the desk didn’t have much she could tell him since he was neither her parent nor her husband. He felt helpless. He had left her. A
simple breaking and entering had gone wrong and his girlfriend might now die. Finally, what felt like a million hours later she was wheeled into the I.C.U. and a doctor came to update Gavin and her now gathered family.

Her condition was not expected to im
prove. The doctor said that her spine had been nicked and the chances of recovering from that type of injury were nearly impossible. He apologized and said he wished he had better news but the best they could hope for would be minimal movement from the head down. She would most likely never walk again.

Gavin was devastated and felt completely responsible. He had left her. He knew something didn’t feel right but he had left her anyway. Now some asshole had ruined her life all for the sake of a television, th
e only thing missing from her house.

When she regained consciousness, it was as feared. She was completely paralyzed. The only motion she could manage was slight eye movement and blinking.

Gavin stayed with her morning, noon, and night every day for a week. He was able to communicate with her through the alphabet and her blinking. The doctors went to her and told her that she should let them pull the plug because there was no chance of her recovering. Gavin wouldn’t let them. Her parents had given the doctors permission to pull the plug even, but Gavin fought them, saying that she was still in there and that he could still communicate with her. She had said to him, “I don’t want to die.”

A hearing was set to determine if she would be allowed to live. She had
requested Gavin’s presence at the hearing and she didn’t want her parents there. The hospital granted her wish. Gavin was able to argue that she was still a viable person inside her broken body and stated that he believed she was getting better.

I couldn
’t believe what I was hearing. I was studying Gavin’s face and you could see how pained he was reliving this horrible event. He told me that he believed in God and the power of prayer. He said that he had formed a prayer chain that was spanned across the globe. I was so impressed. I have no faith like that. I am always amazed at people who do.

He said that he was there every day for a year for her.

“Is she okay, Gavin?” I asked. I felt like I was going to cry.

“She now walks seven miles a day.” He nearly st
arted crying himself. I nearly cheered out loud. You could see how much relief and love washed over him. You could feel the pressure that he’d had on him. He was young. People his age shouldn’t have to go through something this serious.

Gavin still looked
sad. “After all of that time that I sat there for her hoping she would get better, praying that she would walk again, I couldn’t see her in a sexual way,” he said. “We moved in together and I tried to love her like that, but I couldn’t. We went to therapy. I tried everything. I felt like dying. I felt such huge amounts of guilt.”

I reached for his hand as he tried to compose himself. I could tell it was as if he were right back in that moment. He continued. “She couldn’t understand what was wrong. She told
me the only reason she lived was because she knew she had me waiting for her. When I had contacted you a few months ago, this was what I was going through.”

“Jesus, Gavin," I said. “I am so deeply impressed by you right now. I’m so honored that you truste
d me with that story, and I am so sorry you went through everything you described, but you know deep down it isn’t your fault, right?”

I really had no idea what to say to him. I wanted him to feel safe. I wanted him to know that he was good. I wanted him t
o know that I had heard every word he had said.

“So, you can see why I’ve been a little stressed out lately.” He laughed. What else could he do?

“
I dreamed I was choking on Your high heels, Goddess... but You didn't care.”

             
                                                        —slave

Chapter 12

Gavin and I saw each other quite a few times after that and stayed in close touch via text and Skype. I felt very comfortable with him and found myself letting down a little bit of my personal guard.

Then he disappeared for a few days. It was odd. He hadn’t done that since we’d actually met in person. I was confused by it, but reminded myself that he was just a sub and nothing more. I could get mad, because I owned him, but I could not be hurt.

So whe
n I did hear from him, I was icy.
What do you want, slut?
I wrote. I wanted to remind him that he was just a dick to me, and to be honest, I wanted to remind myself of that as well.

I’m sorry, Goddess,
he texted me back.

I was walking Charlie around my nei
ghborhood with my neighbor at the time. She and her husband were a good support to me and helped with Charlie when I was away on jobs or not able to get home in time to let him out. They both knew about my recent lifestyle change and eagerly looked forward to new stories over dinners.

I ignored his text and continued my talk with my friend.

He texted again.
I did something bad, Goddess. Please don’t be mad.

Okay, I couldn’t ignore that.

What did you do, loser?
I was ready for the worst.

I was with friends
this weekend and forgot to take my phone charger. I’m sorry I was out of touch for a couple of days. Goddess, I fucked a slut. I’m sorry, but I hate not being honest about stuff so I thought it would be better to tell you than to not say anything.

My unrea
sonable heart sank. I was crushed. I’d thought our connection was pretty intense. I guess I’d been wrong. I didn’t say anything for a while. I tried to concentrate on the conversation my neighbor was trying to have with me. I felt bad because I knew I wasn’t being very good company.

I wrote,
I guess that is that, then. Take care.
I didn’t think that was too emotional of a response. I was still in control of how this would play out. I didn’t want to have any drama in my life and I didn’t need someone making me feel worse about myself than I already naturally did.

All I was trying to do was be honest with you
, Gavin texted.
I guess this is one time honesty doesn’t pay off. Take care too.

Damn it! He’d called my bluff! I didn’t REALLY want him to piss off. I
just wanted him to THINK I wanted him to. Now what? I was completely ignoring my neighbor who was chatting happily on about her job. I was an awful person.

Slut, you’ve hurt my feelings,
I wrote. I decided to fall on the sword.
I thought you wanted to be mine.

I do! I am your slut! But sometimes I get this Alpha urge. This girl was being a real cunt to my friends and I wanted to teach her a lesson. I won’t ever see her again. I don’t even have her number
, he wrote back.

Whoa…
ew. I was horrified and turned on at the same time. I loved that he stood up for his friends, but I hated that he felt fucking this girl was the way to punish her. Who was I to judge, though? I whipped men’s nuts! In all honesty, he was probably just trying to make up an excuse for why he wanted to get laid that night, and I could understand that.

All I wrote back was,
Okay.

He followed up several times, assuring me that it wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t believe him, but at least I knew whom I was dealing with. I also now knew he was r
eally going to pay when I saw him next. I told him as much and he said,
I know, Goddess.

Did he do this just so he could have a reason to get punished? Since punishment was what he craved, was he just getting what he wanted? This was all way too confusing.

I apologized to my neighbor for being such a bad walking partner and excused myself when we arrived home. Charlie curled up in his nesting spot on a chair and I went to work recollecting my scattered feelings; they were a mess all over the floor and I wa
s embarrassed at how they made me look.

I’ve really gotten so much better about not sweating the small stuff, and this for me was indeed small stuff. He had not cheated on me. He had not abused me. He had not done anything that a young man in his late twenties wouldn’t do. We weren’t even really
in a relationship. So I let it go, and just so we were even, I went and fucked a slut too. HA!

I saw Gavin about five days later. He was sheepish and shy when he arrived, knowing I was really going to hurt him. I had warned him as much. He was on hands a
nd knees and had been ordered to wear his anal beads on the two-hour car ride up. I kicked him in the balls and he went down. I yelled at him to get up. I kicked him again. He stifled a cry. I ordered him to get up again.

“Get up, slut!” I said. “You think
you can fuck around on me? This is my dick and my balls! Understand!” I grabbed his balls with my fist and punched them hard.

Gavin coughed and gagged from the pain. “Yes, Goddess, AHHH!” He fell over onto his side, holding himself in his hands. He was h
ard as a rock!

I rolled him on his back and stepped on his cock with my high heel.

“What a little pervert you are!” I laughed. “You're as hard as a honeymoon dick.” I kicked it a little to show my disgust.

I spread his legs apart, bent down, and started slapping his balls hard with my cupped hand. I hit harder and harder. His face was fixed
in concentration as he stared at a faraway spot on the ceiling.

It was time to make him my total bitch. I reached for
a harness and dildo. That’s right, people! I was about to go medieval on his ass. I lubed up my dick once it was strapped into place.

“Bend over, slut!” I ordered him with a slap on his ass. I reached between his ass cheeks and pulled out the string of bea
ds that had been hidden up there.

“God, this is humiliating, Goddess,” he said.

“Good! You behaved like a cunt and now I’m going to treat you like a cunt.” And with that, I pushed forward into Gavin’s young, tight ass.

I only really got a couple of good p
umps in before he started crying like a little bitch. I could tell he really hated it. I’m really not that into ass play to be honest. He said he liked it in prior conversations so I thought I would oblige him. I felt completely awkward doing it. It is truly a very unnatural feeling for a woman. I had no idea how to move my hips or anything… It was ugly.

I was all too happy to stop. I smacked his ass again. “You couldn’t even take my tiny dick, loser.” I giggled. Then I jumped on top of him and really had
my way with him.

When we were sufficiently through, he said he had to go to his car and get something. We had made plans for him to stay a couple of days. I was excited to be able to just relax with him and give him some casual beatings and maybe go out t
o dinner.

Gavin got dressed and left. Then he called me a few minutes later and said that he needed to
go to the gas station and pick up some chew. I told him where there was one close by and thought nothing more of it.

Until forty-five minutes passed by.
I started to wonder where he had run off to when the phone chimed.

The text message read:
I’m sorry, Goddess, but I am on my way home. I’m bleeding from my ass and I just shit my pants. I am very scared and in pain and I just want to go see my doctor.

Oh
my! What had I done? I broke him! I begged him to come back to my place—that I could wash his clothes and we could go to an urgent care here. He would have nothing to do with it. He wanted to be home and that was it. I apologized until I was blue in the face. He said it wasn’t my fault, that we were consenting adults and that there was always risk involved.

A couple hours later, I got a message from Gavin saying that he was all right and that the doctor had said it was all due to a hemorrhoid. His doctor h
ad asked him how he had hurt himself and Gavin had answered, “I was having kinky sex.”

His doctor examined him and sent him on his way but suggested next time, “Nothing bigger than a pinky.”

What a relief! Gavin was equally relieved and wanted to actually get together later that night to pick up where we had left off. He was concerned, though, that I would hold back on him now that I had seen him get hurt. He said he had really been enjoying how rough I had been with him. So there it was. We would meet up halfway and get a hotel room to play in.

I decided to go meet up with Simon since my plans were not until later. I told him how I had broken my slave with a strap-on and how he had gone home unexpectedly. He said that he was meeting a bunch of our friends
for a drink and to come join them.

When I arrived at the restaurant, everyone had been there long enough to
have had a cocktail or two. I slid into the booth next to Simon, who immediately started in with the questions about what had happened to my slave. Everyone at the table seemed to have already been brought up to speed about my recent disaster. Thanks to Simon. Argh! At least they were all gay men and could possibly offer up some insight as to what I’d done wrong. When I told them what the doctor had said, they all shook their heads in sympathy and agreed that the first time it happened to them, it was a huge scary shock. Of course with Simon’s exaggerating nature, he had everyone convinced that I had blown out the poor guys “O” ring.

After I had a lit
tle bite to eat and had chatted with my friends, I headed out to see my slut. I’d packed up a whole lot of goodies for us to play with and was really looking forward to some fun quality time together. It must seem unlikely that what we did in our alone time could be quality time spent, but it was in the most devious and sensuous way.

He loved my body and he showed me by worshipping every inch of it. He made sure that I
felt how much he wanted to please me. Anything I wanted he could make happen for me in that room. My command was his pleasure. His pain was his sacrifice to me. He watched me deeply as I twisted and bit him all over. I moved around him easily, like he was a piece of equipment made to be used in a rough-and-tumble way. We held each other and slept, his mouth always murmuring, “Goddess.”

We said good-bye the next day with plans to see each other later that night. He wanted to go surf and I wanted a shower, but somehow I knew I wouldn’t see him that night and I was okay with that. When he begged o
ff the plans we’d made, I wasn’t surprised or angry. I just understood.

I kind of knew I would never see him again after that night. We had used each other up for our own personal reasons. He needed to feel free, and I needed to feel wanted. We both came away with exactly what we’d hoped for.

I was happy to hear from him from time to time. He’d quit his job and was heading down to South America to surf and to get away from the daily grind for a few months. He said he’d always wanted to travel and that the
time was right. He was planning on attending nursing school when he got back, so why not live a little? I couldn’t argue with that, especially when living a little and taking a huge chance had changed my life.

I am happy and feeling alive now and am beginning to recognize me again when I look in the mirror, albeit sometimes I'm dressed in latex and leather! I am not ashamed of my sordid stories, nor am I shy in telling them. I am just thankful that I find humor in most everything and especially in myself. One thing that I am certain of is every single person brought to us in this lifetime is a gift that is not to be ignored, and all I would like for you to get out of this strange story is: no matter what, you are on the right path… for you.

Glossary

(These are my own definitions)

Slave:
a person who is the property of a dominant.

D/s:
This is commonly used to show a Dominant/submissive relationship in writing.

Slut:
a submissive that likes to be used in anyway the Dominant desires. It is usually a term of endearment.

Clit:
A submissive male penis.

It:
A submissive that has been enslaved and dehumanized.