Darcy's Voyage: A Tale of Uncharted Love on the Open Seas (18 page)

They went upstairs, Darcy carrying his duffel and the driver carrying his trunk, and walked into a very small, but practical room. He placed the duffel on the floor, as did the carriage driver with his trunk, who then took his leave after Darcy took care of the fare. Darcy looked around him, feeling very much out of place, very far away from home, and exceedingly torn as to whether he wanted to leave and return to England as soon as possible, or remain and take every opportunity to find Elizabeth.

Christine Annesley observed Darcy look about him at the room and was troubled that he might consider the accommodations inferior. She offered up a soft apology. “I know, Mr. Darcy, that the room is not what you are used to…”

Darcy put up a hand and began shaking his head. “Mrs. Annesley, please do not worry yourself about it. It will do very well.”

Georgiana walked up to him and, leaning up to him, gave him a kiss. “You must want to settle in. I shall be downstairs and look forward to hearing about your voyage.”

Darcy tried to smile. “And I shall enjoy hearing about your adventures here!”

Georgiana and Christine left the room, and Darcy began unpacking his things. He was anxious to get most of his things and himself washed, as there had been very little opportunity to do that onboard. The clothes from his trunk had not been worn, and he eagerly pulled them out. He began putting things away, and was halted when he came upon Elizabeth’s sampler and his marriage certificate. His heart raced as he considered how he must conceal them so they would not be found. He pulled out one of the books he had brought along and, carefully folding the license, placed it inside. He took the book and placed it in one of the drawers underneath his clothes.

The sampler he was not too worried about, although he would have an awkward time explaining it if it was found. He glanced again at the meticulous stitches, her script that so easily flowed from one letter to the next, and her initials that had so cleverly become a part of the flowers. He simply slipped it underneath the book that was now holding the marriage certificate.

With his things put away, he collapsed into a medium-sized chair that was situated in a corner of the room. Anchoring his elbows on his knees, he brought his hands up, making a cradle for his heavy head. He dug his fingers through his hair as he stared down at the floor beneath him. He needed to pull himself together, for his sake and for Georgiana’s sake.

Realistically he could not expect to see Elizabeth while he was here. If he were to see her, it would be purely accidental. With that realization, he set his mind to seek her out when she returned to England.

He began to contemplate when he would be able to do that at the earliest. Elizabeth had said her aunt and uncle were to be in America six to nine months. They had been there three months when
Pemberley’s Promise
had left England. When they arrived in America a month later, four months would remain. She might return anywhere from two to five months from now. He sighed. Five months seemed like an eternity! Then there would be the long voyage home.

It would make it easier if Wendell met with success in finding out where she lived. If need be, however, he would visit every village and town in the county of Hertfordshire that began with the letter “
L
” until he found her. He stood up, looked in the mirror, and straightened his coat. Somehow he would get through this. Right now he had to think of Georgiana.

***

The next few days with the Gardiners had proven to be a safe, healing haven for Elizabeth. She was able to rest, take wonderful walks with her aunt and the children, visit the main town, and taste some exotic foods that she found delicious. What most intrigued her was the patchwork of people from numerous countries that made up this city.

New York had originally been called New Amsterdam, and Manhattan had been settled predominantly by Dutch immigrants. She saw the effects of that everywhere, as stores and businesses had a very distinct Dutch flavour to them. But interspersed among them were little sections of the town boasting names from Germany, Italy, Spain, Norway, and places Elizabeth had never heard of.

Ethnic pockets seemed to form, with people from one country settling together, their language and culture being their bond. But they all made up this great place called New York.

When Mr. Gardiner was able to spare a few days away from his business appointments, they took excursions around the area. They enjoyed taking small barges across the Hudson and the East Rivers, and visited other parts of New York, although Manhattan seemed to be the most sprawling and growing place they visited.

Elizabeth found herself looking forward to these little excursions, as they provided her with an appreciation for the area that she would have never known.

But as much as she tried, she could not disguise or hide her pain from her aunt and uncle. They were acutely aware something was not setting right with her, and only hoped in time Elizabeth would feel comfortable enough to talk with them about it. In the meantime, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner tried to make her feel as much at home and loved as they could.

One evening, after everyone had gone off to bed, Elizabeth felt compelled to remain up and read. She sat alone in the sitting room, trying to concentrate on a book she was reading, but was making very little progress. She knew if she were to climb into bed now, her thoughts would overwhelm her. At least with a book in hand, she could attempt to divert her thoughts from the direction they were inclined to go by putting herself in the novel that was before her.

As she sat there, she heard a noise, and turned to see Caleb quietly walking toward her.

“Caleb!” exclaimed Elizabeth. “Why are you not in bed?”

“I couldn’t sleep. My eyes are wide awake!”

Elizabeth smiled. “Caleb, all you have to do is close your eyes and you will fall asleep.”

Caleb adamantly shook his head. “When I close my eyelids, my eyes are still wide open underneath!”

Now Elizabeth laughed. She had to admit that sometimes she felt like that.

“Do you want to sit here with me awhile, then?”

Caleb nodded and climbed up into her lap. When he was comfortably situated, he asked, “Lizzy, are you unhappy?”

Elizabeth gave a start and looked down at him. “Why would you ask that, Caleb?”

Caleb shrugged his shoulders. “I heard Mama and Papa saying how unhappy you seem.”

Elizabeth closed her eyes and drew in a very slow breath.

Caleb continued. “Are you not happy to be with us?”

“Oh no, Caleb! I love being with you! You must believe me. I am very happy to be here with you!”

Caleb smiled, content with his older cousin’s words. He sat there quietly while Elizabeth drew her fingers back and forth through his hair, and at length she recognized the telltale sound of his deep breathing. He had fallen asleep.

She carried him back into his room and gently placed him on his bed. Her heart ached that her aunt and uncle knew she was hurting, and now even this little boy knew as well. She determined that beginning tomorrow she would make every attempt to return to her former, lively self.

And that she did. Even though Mrs. Gardiner saw occasional glimpses of pain beneath her lively exterior, Elizabeth put every effort into enjoying her stay in America. The places they saw and the people they met were beyond Elizabeth’s expectations.

***

Darcy and Georgiana were able to take in some of the sights in the area, despite his original intent to bring his sister back with him directly. He willingly acquiesced to Georgiana’s insistence that he visit some historical and scenic places in the area, thereby delaying their return a few weeks. But it was not so much out of a desire to see anything that he put off their immediate return; it was the lingering hope that he might have a fortuitous encounter with Elizabeth.

Wendell had done some investigating about the ships in port, and found that another of Stearnes’ ships, the
English Maiden
, was scheduled to depart New York for London about two weeks later than
Pemberley’s Promise
. Darcy booked passage for himself and Georgiana aboard that vessel, securing again two of the finer cabins, and they made plans to leave accordingly.

The month in America passed more quickly than he would have anticipated. He had begun to feel out of place and in the way staying with the Annesleys, and although they always extended him gracious hospitality, he was ready to leave when the time came.

The elder Mrs. Annesley, although burdened with an illness that made getting around difficult, was very grateful that Mr. Darcy understood her predicament and took it upon himself to retrieve Georgiana. She would have felt terribly distressed if she thought Georgiana would have to return to England unescorted.

After a tearful goodbye on Georgiana’s part, knowing that she most likely would never see her companion again, they departed the modest Annesley home. Their belongings were stowed in trunks and duffels, and they looked ahead to another month-long voyage at sea heading home.

Driving through the streets of New York on the way to the harbour the day they were to depart, they passed through a rather crowded business district. Both Darcy and his sister sat quietly in contemplation. Georgiana was suddenly startled when Darcy violently jumped from his seat and pressed his face to the windowpane. She watched in complete amazement as something seemed to unnerve him immensely. At first he violently pounded on the front of the carriage for them to stop. When the carriage continued at its moderate pace, he lowered the window, putting his head out, and called out, “Elizabeth!”

Georgiana’s eyes widened as he pounded again, and then yelled out the carriage window for the driver to stop. This time the driver heard him, and as the carriage slowed, Darcy quickly opened the door and jumped out. Georgiana strained her head to see what he was about, and watched him run toward a lady who had walked past. All she could see of this woman was her bonnet as she continued down the crowded street.

When he caught up with her, she saw him speak, and then he suddenly backed away, looking rather sheepish, and returned slowly to the waiting carriage.

Georgiana was in complete shock, never having seen her brother behave in such a reckless way, and wondered who this Elizabeth was, and why she caused such a reaction in him. When he returned, she sat completely bewildered, as Darcy climbed back into the carriage feeling somewhat foolish.

With her eyebrows pinched together in confusion, she asked him, “Fitzwilliam, who was that?”

He nervously rubbed his hands together, and avoiding her gaze only answered, “It was someone I thought I recognized. I was mistaken.”

She continued to watch his countenance and could not help but consider his brooding disposition lately and this most uncharacteristic outburst. She wondered if both had something to do with someone named Elizabeth.

Pemberley, eight weeks later

Georgiana walked over to the window up in her room at Pemberley, looking down at her brother. He was outside with one of the stable hands preparing to mount his horse, Thunder, and take him out for a ride. He had been going out on Thunder frequently since they had returned from America almost a month ago, with the excuse that he had missed riding for the duration of the time he had been away and he wanted to take advantage of the nice weather that was still holding off the approaching days of winter.

Georgiana knew there was something troubling him still. She had hoped that their return to Pemberley and the normalcy of life would have been the impetus to bring him back to his usual self, but it had not. He still appeared distracted, discouraged, and easily disturbed.

Inside she ached, blaming herself that this was all the result of her imprudent actions with George Wickham. It had been over six months now, and she had hoped her brother would have forgotten, despite the fact that
she
had not. She fretted that he was more deeply wounded by her poor judgment and Wickham’s callous deception than she had ever thought possible. Whereas time should be lessening the pain, his behaviour reflected the opposite. Thoughts of great remorse threatened to overwhelm her.

Now, watching him mount the great black horse, she knew he was still troubled. She was all too aware that he did his deepest thinking whilst out riding alone in the countryside. He worked out his frustrations as he glided easily on Thunder’s back galloping through the woods. He disciplined himself into control as he endured the arduous jarring of a solid trot down a lane. He pondered alternative options in decisions he was facing as Thunder ran a fast canter through the hills. He let his mind wander away from the responsibilities of being Master of Pemberley as he took the horse leisurely through a meadow.

She watched him take the reins and lead Thunder down toward the road. How she wished he would talk to her. Was his anger now compounded against her because he was forced to endure a crossing over to America and back all because of her? She closed her eyes as she dealt with a burning uncertainty whether her brother still loved her, despite his assurances that he did. His inattentiveness recently had just not reflected it.

On this particular day he was gone for several hours. Georgiana knew that being gone that long would mean he most likely journeyed out to Dovedale, possibly taking Thunder up to its peak, where the view of the surrounding gentle rolling hills was unsurpassable.

She knew her brother all too well, as he was, indeed, heading out to Thorpe Cloud, a little hill at the entrance to Dovedale. Darcy prodded his horse higher along the dirt path to the rocky summit, where he knew the view out across the rolling hills and woody copses made one feel at the top of the world. He hoped looking out from the top would boost his spirits and help him rise above his melancholy.

When he had taken Thunder as far up the hill as he could go, he dismounted and tethered him to a tree. Taking the easy climb to the summit, Darcy walked out to the edge. He surveyed the beautiful diversity below him; the hills, dales, small meandering rivers, and the peaks in the distance. He saw the numerous little villages below, many of them hidden by a small hill or nestled in a valley. He turned until he spotted the dense woods that cloaked Pemberley estate from the view from atop. As he looked down, he pondered how small everything looked, and he realized how small he really was in the whole scheme of life.

Recently he had been feeling so small and powerless that he wondered whether God really cared about him. He had not seen any indication of it lately, yet he knew he rarely gave God much consideration in his life. When they had arrived back in London, they spent several days there as he attempted to find out the information he wanted about Elizabeth. The records on this end were as cryptic as the ship’s records had been, and the clerk who had written down the name of the village she lived in was no longer working in the office and had moved away. Darcy felt an anguish that everything was going against him. He had begun to realize that there were some things that even his wealth and position in society could not secure.

As he looked out from Thorpe Cloud on all the splendour that was Derbyshire, his thoughts turned to Elizabeth again and how he wished she could be enjoying this with him. Looking up to the heavens in a manner brought on by desperation, he clumsily prayed a prayer offering to God that he would be more attentive and most grateful if he was allowed the chance to see Elizabeth again.

Wondering whether his prayers were heard, and reluctant to return just yet to Pemberley, he remained up at Thorpe Cloud, reflecting on the desperate straits his life had taken on since that last day on the ship. If he was waiting for any answers to come, they eluded him. Finally, after sitting sombrely for some time, he walked back down to Thunder and began the long ride back.

As Georgiana awaited her brother’s return, she passed the time practicing on the pianoforte, which always soothed her. It was something she knew she could do well, and she put all of her effort into improving herself even more. There were few things she felt confident doing, and even though she did not have the fullest confidence to perform in front of many people, she knew that her ability was such that those she did play for enjoyed it immensely.

Just as her brother would go out riding to sort out his thoughts, so she did while playing. Of course she would not tackle new or difficult pieces whilst allowing her mind to wander, but she would play those pieces that she knew so well, that her fingers could dance across the keys with little concentrated thought or effort.

As she played, she thought about the difference in her brother’s demeanour now from when he first found out about her and Wickham. Back then, he was angry at Wickham, she was certain, but he displayed a more protective, forgiving, and nurturing attitude toward her. She had not doubted that he was disappointed in her, but it was tempered by his obvious display of love. She knew that in spite of her immaturity and foolishness, he had still loved her!

But now she was uncertain. Whereas he went through the motions displaying brotherly affection toward her, she felt he was not fervent in it at all. His mind was definitely elsewhere, and she did not know what to do about it.

She began to wonder, as she had occasionally in the past, whether perhaps he wished to be free from the responsibility of being her guardian. She hit a wrong key, which resonated with a most discordant sound.

She had a strong belief that he should be married by now. He should have found someone to bring alongside him and with whom he could share his life. Was it because of her that he had not? Was he waiting until she herself had grown and married before allowing himself that liberty?

Georgiana now dropped her hands in her lap as she let out a soft sigh. What a nuisance he must consider her! What a burden and a restriction she must be to him! Because of her, he was deeply hurt when she almost ran off with Wickham. Because of her, he had been required to be occupied for over three months just retrieving her from America! Because of her, over the past few years he had spent considerable time trying to secure an appropriate governess or companion for her, and now, because of Mrs. Annesley’s need to remain in America, he was in the process of doing that again!

She could not ask for a finer brother, and she felt deep regret for what she had put him through! A single tear slowly left a trace as it fell down her cheek, and she wondered if there was any way she could make it up to him.

She heard him return and began playing again. She knew he always enjoyed hearing her play, and wondered whether he would come in and sit. It was quite a few minutes that had passed when she heard footsteps come down the hall, but instead of coming to the music room, she heard him enter his study and close the door. The single tear that had fallen was suddenly joined by a multitude of others.

Later that evening, they sat together at the table. Georgiana wanted so much to persuade him to talk, but had no idea how. Fear that she was the cause of his dismal disposition tempted her to refrain from asking what was troubling him. But love and concern for him overtook her fear, and at length, she finally drew up the strength and courage to approach him about it.

They were both quietly eating as she stole a quick glance up at him. “Fitzwilliam, do you mind if I ask you something?”

Darcy looked up at her and smiled; a smile that was more out of effort than joy. “Of course not, Georgiana. What is it?”

She winced slightly and her jaw tightened as she deliberated what she would say. “I… I am worried about you.”

Darcy, who had been bringing a fork full of food to his mouth, stopped and put it back down on his plate. “Why would you be worried about me?”

Georgiana took a deep breath, feeling the need to fill her lungs. “I… um…I have just noticed lately, that ever since you… ever since you arrived in America, and even now that we are back at Pemberley, you seem… you seem unhappy.”

She looked down quickly, and therefore did not see him close his eyes and drop his head as she said those words. A look of sorrow swept across his face as he looked back up at her.

“Georgiana,” Darcy reached out for his sister’s hand and she looked back up. “I appreciate your concern. I have just been preoccupied lately. There is nothing to concern yourself with.”

Georgiana’s eyes pooled with tears as she began again. “But I have never seen you like this before. I feel terrible that it was because of me you had to journey all the way to America and back, and that I put you through so much anguish.”

Darcy grasped her hand in both of his. “Georgiana, I do not want to hear any more of this blaming yourself for anything! It has nothing to do with you! You must know that I love you and nothing will ever change that!”

Georgiana pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and, bringing it up to her eyes, wiped them. “But then what does it have to do with?”

Darcy leaned his head back and closed his eyes. “I cannot discuss it with you now.” He lifted the napkin from his lap and brought it up to his mouth, needing a distraction, needing to formulate what he should say to Georgiana to reassure her. “It just has something to do with the voyage over to America. That is all. Please do not worry yourself, Georgiana. I shall be fine in no time.”

“Are you sure it is not because of me? I would do anything to make it up to you!”

“Georgiana, believe me, it has nothing to do with you.”

Georgiana felt somewhat relieved but a deeper curiosity set in. When her brother was set against talking about something, there was very little she could do to draw it out of him. She would have to be content to wait until he was willing to talk about it, or hope that the hold it had on him would soon pass.

They finished their dinner in relative silence, again, although Darcy did make more of an effort to converse with her just to assure Georgiana his gloomy temperament lately was not directed at her. He was having a very difficult time rising above the feeling that he might never see Elizabeth again, but he had never thought that Georgiana would misconstrue his behaviour and blame herself for it. He would have to be more careful.

He had returned to Pemberley to find an excessive amount of work needing his immediate attention. Part of his struggle since returning from America stemmed from having little time to think about how he would or when he would begin to search for Elizabeth. Now he realized that it had so overtaken him that he had begun to neglect Georgiana. He made a decision then and there to make every effort to show Georgiana he loved her.

***

Back across the great Atlantic, Elizabeth had finally been able to push aside, though not completely eliminate, the emotional pain she felt when she had first arrived. As great a help as her aunt was to her, she realized how much her aunt looked to her for the same. With her uncle gone frequently during the day, Elizabeth did her share of helping with the children and around the home, and was always eager to sit down with Mrs. Gardiner with some tea and simply talk.

It was at those times that Elizabeth truly grasped what it was about her aunt that made her so special in her eyes. She could sit down and have an intelligent, meaningful conversation with her, something she simply could not do with her own mother. She had looked forward to spending time with her aunt, and she was grateful for every moment she had with her.

She spent her days savouring every new sight, every new experience, and soaking in all she could learn. It was during the day that she was able to direct her thoughts to those things around her that made up this place called New York. Whether it was strolling through the ethnic downtown area, spending a leisurely day in a park, or making a three-day journey out to an incredibly beautiful sight such as Niagara Falls, she found herself truly enjoying her visit.

But it was in the dark, quiet moments of the night that she found difficulty reining in her thoughts, and a powerful loneliness and sadness would overwhelm her. At times she felt that William was right there in the room with her, or that she had just seen him, the image of his face so clear. At other times she felt there was a vast distance between them that most likely did exist because of his return to England with his sister. She found herself thinking of him as William, as though their intimacy onboard
Pemberley’s Promise
allowed her that right. She had often used his full name, Fitzwilliam, when in the presence of others, but the more intimate name, William, she used when they were alone.

It was also during those dark, lonely nights, she determined one more thing. She realized that the vows she had made were solemn, and even though William might be able to annul the marriage, she did not think that, in her heart, she could go against those vows. She knew what that meant. She would never remarry. She would be an aunt to all her sisters’ children, always loving and generous, but a lonely spinster.