Daring to Dream (14 page)

Thankfully we did all get ‘yeses’, so we were through to the next round. What a relief. There were 12 of us in the Over-25s category, but there were only six seats on the stage. If you performed well you got to take a seat, but if there were more than six of you that had nailed it the judges would start swapping people around and you could lose your place to go forward into the Judges’ Houses round.

I was going to sing ‘Take Another Little Piece of My Heart’ by Janis Joplin, but I changed it at the last minute and I sang ‘Clown’ by Emeli Sandé instead. It felt like a pertinent song to sing. All that was going through my head at Bootcamp was the fact that I had to tell my kids about my nan. I was happy because I’d taken them to see her pretty recently and she’d done an early Christmas for them because she knew her time was coming. But I felt like I was hiding behind a mask and putting a brave face on things.

The first couple of contestants who went out were told ‘no’, and then it was my turn. I could see the shiny, new white seats on the side of the stage and I really wanted to be
sat on one. I started to sing but it was really tough because there were several times when I felt like I might break down. I was feeling wobbly and my bottom lip was going. I kept thinking about nan and the fact my family were away on holiday without me.

That performance felt like such a blur but I remember people going crazy and Sharon got very emotional and said that she’d dreamt of having a contestant like me. She pointed to the chairs and said to me, ‘Get your bottom over there missus!’ The Overs were the first category to try and win their places, which meant I was the first person ever in the history of
The X Factor
to sit in one of those seats; it felt pretty amazing. I had my hands over my face and people were shouting my name but I knew I wasn’t safe. There were still a lot more people who were going to perform and there certainly weren’t enough seats for everyone. As much as you want your fellow contestants to do well because you’ve bonded with them, the last thing you want is to lose your place to one of them.

We all had to fight our corners by telling the audience why we should be saved. I remember another girl called Katie Markham getting a seat, but because we’d both sung ‘Clown’ we kind of knew that one of us would be leaving because we were being compared a lot. When she was told she was going home she was sobbing her heart out and I felt awful. She was a lovely girl.

Eventually there ended up being just six of us on the seats and when I realised I was one of Sharon’s final line-up I
couldn’t believe it. She came running onto the stage – we were through to Judges’ Houses! It was absolutely brilliant. The first thing I thought was ‘Where does Sharon live?’ and it hit me that we might be going to LA!

When I got back to my hotel room and charged up my phone there was a message from Craig telling me that my nan had passed away the day before. No one had wanted to tell me until after I’d finished my audition. I was expecting it but I was devastated. She was like the unofficial head of our family and I knew she would be very much missed. I totally understand the family’s decision not to tell me, especially in light of the fact that no one else involved in the competition knew about it. They had to do what they thought was right. My mum’s mum Rita is the only grandparent I’ve got left. She’s 83 and she’s in a home now but she’s still got all her faculties.

Now we were through to Judges’ Houses things started to get more serious. We were assigned solicitors and given contracts to read through. And I had to speak to my work about taking more time off. I couldn’t keep asking for weeks off here and there, so I went to see my boss and we decided a three-month career break would be best. It meant that I wasn’t being paid for that time, so it was a massive risk.

I was totally skint but I needed clothes for LA if that’s where we were going, because I had nothing suitable for somewhere so hot. All of the other contestants were looking more and more glamorous and I felt pretty out of my depth. Was I really capable of making it to the live shows?

C
raig and I had so much to sort out before I went away. We only had a couple of weeks to get organised and get visas for me, and it was still the kids’ summer holidays. Our family and friends were amazing and they really helped us out, but I was panicking about missing Craig, Brooke and Tommy.

It was supposed to be top secret where we were flying out to but we’d all kind of worked it out. Plus there were loads of websites reporting that we were going to LA, so I had a pretty good idea that my initial instincts had been right. We all met up at the airport – Lorna, Shelley, Joe, Zoe, Andrea and myself – and we got handed a gold envelope which had the name of the place we were flying to inside. When we opened it up it said ‘Los Angeles’. What a brilliant feeling.

The flight seemed to take forever but when we finally
touched own in LA it was amazing. We were put up in a hotel on the Sunset Strip and got to work pretty much straight away rehearsing our song choices. We did some filming driving around Venice Beach in some open-top cars, and even though I was tired because we were so busy I was also completely hyperactive. I think the adrenalin kept me going. I remember not eating very much because I was filling myself up on milkshakes instead. I think the sugar probably helped to keep me buzzing.

The following day we all had afternoon tea in Sharon’s dining room at her incredible house. Caroline Flack and Matt Richardson were filming
Xtra Factor
and I got the chance to lie in the Osbourne’s garden and sunbathe. I’d taken Sharon’s autobiography for the journey and it was quite surreal reading it in her
actual
house. There was loads of chatter about who was going to be the guest mentor helping Sharon to decide on her final three. The crew rounded us up and Sharon walked over to us – we knew we were about to find out. ‘This is
the
most incredible performer and writer and you’ve got to deliver the best performance of your life. Are you ready?’ Sharon said. We all shouted ‘yes’ and then she told us to turn around on the count of three. I couldn’t wait to see who it was, and when I swung round and saw Robbie Williams you could have knocked me down with a feather. I’d always had a massive crush on him and now here he was standing in front of me. Only this time I hadn’t just collapsed at one of his concerts and been given a toy dummy
– he was going to be judging my voice and, to a certain extent, determining my future. It was like I’d come full circle from being that star-struck teenager. Now I was a star-struck 36-year-old!

Robbie asked if we were ready to perform for him, and then he walked down and said hello and gave us all a hug. He was so nice and down to earth. He told us that if we didn’t ‘bring the goods’ he was going to chuck us in the swimming pool. I was so hot and bothered it probably would have done me some good.

Soon enough I found myself standing in front of Robbie and Mrs O and was about to start singing. I was really nervous because I wasn’t sure about my song choice, ‘I Have Nothing’ by Whitney Houston; I was worried it might seem a bit old-fashioned. I was thinking about Craig while I was singing it, but as I walked away I started crying because I really thought I’d really messed it up. As I found out later, Robbie kind of thought the same. He said to Sharon that he wasn’t sure where I’d fit in. Thank god I didn’t know that at the time. I would have been in such a state.

The next day, after one of the worst night’s sleep of my life, we all went back to Mrs O’s to hear the verdict. We had to wait in her dining room and then when it was our turn to go and see Sharon we had to walk to the top of the house to this veranda that had a little waterfall on it. Finally it was my turn to go and find out if I’d made it through to the live finals. I wanted to do it for my family so badly. I couldn’t
bear the thought of having to go back and tell them I hadn’t made it.

Sharon asked how I thought I’d done the previous day and I was honest and said that I didn’t think it had gone brilliantly. She agreed and said that instead of moving forwards in a natural progression I’d gone backwards and she hadn’t seen my usual feistiness. I burst into tears. I was certain it was all over for me and I couldn’t stop crying. I was waiting for her to tell me I was going to home but then she said, ‘You’re going to stick with me and if you don’t win this contest I’m going to kick your arse!’ Oh my god!

We had a massive hug and then I ran off to see Dermot. I just remember saying, ‘I want to celebrate with a cup of tea!’ and that’s exactly what I did. I had a nice brew and I relaxed and took it all in. Lorna came and sat with me in the garden and told me she’d got through, and I really was expecting Joe to be the third person to get onto the live shows. He was a real heartthrob and had a great voice, and he was singing for his little boy. When Shelley walked round the corner I was genuinely shocked. Not because I didn’t think she was good, because I really did, but because we’ve got quite similar singing styles. In fact, Lorna, Shelley and I were all quite similar. It was going to be an interesting time.

We didn’t get to see the contestants who didn’t make it through – Zoe, Joe or Andrea – that day because they’d been taken straight down to the beach to do some filming. I was desperate to give them all a hug. Lorna and Shelley
wanted to go out and celebrate but I just wanted to go back to my hotel room and have some quiet time. It had been an incredible but stressful day. Needless to say, all I wanted to do was phone my family and tell them I was through to the Lives, but it all had to be kept top secret until we got back home. The researchers stayed in touch with all of our families and let them know we were okay, but we had to save the news for the ‘big reveal’.

It was soon time to head back to the UK and once we landed I was driven home where I knew everyone was waiting for me, desperate to hear the outcome. My living room was packed with about 25 of my friends and family (and, of course, a film crew). When I walked in everyone was staring at me expectantly and I couldn’t even smile in case I gave the game away. My kids wanted to give me a cuddle, but they had to be really good and sit patiently until I’d broken the news. I started off by telling them what Robbie had said and admitted I thought I’d ballsed it up. Then I paused and said, ‘But I’m through to the live shows!’ The whole place erupted. Everyone went absolutely crazy.

My life changed beyond all recognition from that day on. Digital Spy had managed to get hold of a list of the final 12 and people were talking about me a lot online. I found myself obsessively reading things, and it was so weird that people knew who I was and were taking the time to write all of these things about me. Groups of
X Factor
fans were having full-on discussions and thankfully most of it was nice. I hadn’t been
seen on TV yet, so I hadn’t started to be recognised in the street or anything, but things definitely felt different to how they had done a month earlier. I had a few weeks before I went into
The X Factor
house. Craig was amazing and told me he had everything covered, so I didn’t have to worry about the kids, but we both knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

By now I’d started to lose weight, so I had to go and buy more clothes to take into the house with me. I know people talked a lot about my weight when I was on the show, but the producers didn’t put me on any kind of ridiculous diet or force me to go to the gym every day as some people reported. In the weeks running up to leaving the kids and Craig, the stress of everything definitely affected me. I was running around loads and forgetting to eat, which meant the weight was coming off.

I’d also started doing Tabata when I got through my first
X Factor
audition. I knew I wanted to get some weight off and my local gym recommended Tabata because it was something I could do at home. Tabata is basically interval training, where you work really intensely for five-minute periods at a time. You can do it in front of
EastEnders
, so it’s really easy to fit into your life no matter how busy you are. I don’t want people to think I was going crazy and doing it every night, because I wasn’t, but it did really help. Just before I went into the house Craig and I also did MFT, which is military fitness training. That
really
makes you work. You’re lifting logs and running around in mud, so you have to push yourself.

The other really important thing was that when I was working in the prison service I was eating the wrong things at the wrong times, but in the
X Factor
house I was eating three square meals a day. We had breakfast laid on and then a chef would cook us lunch and dinner, so I wasn’t going to the local takeaway at 10pm to get saveloy and chips. I lost about three stone from my first audition to the final, and went from a size 18 to a 10–12.

In early October 2013 Lorna, Shelley and I were all filmed going into the
X Factor
house together in north London. It didn’t seem real, this unbelievable place with a swimming pool and a massive back garden. The kitchen alone was bigger than my entire house. Someone told me it used to belong to Lionel Richie but I’m not sure if there’s any truth in that. We were running around finding all of these ridiculous new rooms and I nearly fell over when I saw the music room!

Somehow – and I never, ever questioned why – I managed to get a bedroom all to myself. Everyone else had to share, but for whatever reason they put me on my own. Other people in there had kids too, but maybe it was because I was the oldest and I was married so they wanted me to have some privacy to talk to Craig?

We were kept stupidly busy and the first week was spent routine-ing our songs and practising our ensemble track, Daft Punk’s ‘Get Lucky’. Annie Williams, the vocal coach, went through all of our songs with us, as she did every week. We also had to have a makeover and do a photoshoot for
the opening credits. I went into hair, make-up and costume wearing a dodgy leopard print top with strangely curly hair and no make-up and I came out looking completely different. They said it was the best makeover on the show – probably because I no longer looked like myself!

I was happy for them to do pretty much anything to me. I was well up for experimenting. I wasn’t like, say, Tamera who had her own style. I didn’t really have a style of my own, other than rather scruffy. The only thing I didn’t want to do every week was wear dresses because that made me look and feel like an Over, and as far as I was concerned I was only in my mid-30s. I didn’t want to look like a frumpy mum.

The first week had a 1980s theme and when we drove into Fountain Studios for the first time I’d never seen anything like it. There were so many girls and most of them were screaming for Sam Callahan. It was crazy to think that all of those people were there just for us: the final 12 acts in the competition.

The first live show itself was the most unbelievable experience, but to a certain extent I was just happy to get through it. I performed Jennifer Rush’s ‘The Power of Love’ and the producers stuck me on a podium that had dry ice swirling around the bottom of it. I was wearing heels, which we already know aren’t my forte, and just after the second verse I was supposed to walk down three stairs onto the stage. Eek. I was fine in rehearsals, but the big studio doors had been open, so the dry ice had been seeping out. But that night there was nowhere for it to escape to, so it was really
thick and up to my waist. I couldn’t see the steps but I had to walk forward without looking down and somehow navigate my way onto the main stage in a dress and killer heels. I was absolutely petrified. I let out a massive sigh of relief when I made it down there safely, and from that moment on I put everything I could into the song.

The standing ovation and the feedback I got from the judges made the past 20 years of hard graft feel so worth it. The only problem was that people were going so mad about my performance that I started to worry I’d set the bar too high and it was all going to be downhill from there. When I watched my performance later, all I could focus on was that my fingernails looked really stumpy because I’d bitten them down to the quick and had to have false ones put on. I should have been evaluating my singing, but instead I was thinking, ‘I hope my nails have grown a bit by next Saturday’.

The kids, Craig and my mum came to see that first show and it was so lovely, but because Tommy was under six he was only allowed to watch me perform and then he had to leave the studio. My mum stayed with him but unfortunately they didn’t get to see the show as the only room available for them to wait didn’t have a TV!

It was also hard having to say goodbye so quickly because I missed them like mad. That became the routine: me saying goodbye to them every week and then getting really upset knowing it would be another week before I could hug them. But I’d known the deal when I auditioned for the show and
it was my choice to be there, so I didn’t expect sympathy. It was all incredibly tough on Craig too. He was in charge of divvying up my eight tickets each week and he got so much hassle from people because, not surprisingly, everyone wanted to come along. He was contemplating pulling names out of a hat at one point just to keep people off his back.

All of the
X Factor
contestants had been written about in the press from day one, but after that first live show things really stepped up a gear. There wasn’t a day that went by when there weren’t pap pictures or a story of some kind in the tabloids and online. Most of the time I let it go over my head but there were a few things printed that upset me. There was also a lot of speculation about other work I’d done. It came out that I’d auditioned for
The X Factor
previously, as I’ve mentioned, and I was linked to Max Clifford, but that story is nothing like it was made out to be.

In 2011 I’d been asked to do a gig in a pub called The Horse and Hound in Broadway in Worcestershire through a friend of mine called Mark Bolton, who is also a singer. My first night happened to be the same evening they were switching on their Christmas lights and loads of people were dressed in old-fashioned clothes. There was mulled wine and mince pies and the atmosphere was amazing. As I’ve said before, when the crowd are good,
you’re
good. I was singing ‘And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going’ from the musical
Dreamgirls
, which was always my last song of the night, when I saw this lady walk in and walk back out again.
A few minutes later she came back in with a white-haired man who I recognised as Max Clifford.