Darkness Unmasked (DA 5) (37 page)

Then it was no longer me, but
we
.

Die not,
she said with fierce determination.
Live must.

And with that, she forced my limbs into action, and I found myself crawling, slowly, painfully, past all the bloody, broken remnants of flesh toward two standing stones I hadn’t even realized existed. Only they weren’t just standing stones, but ancient, cuneiform-marked ones. Another gateway.

She kept me crawling, even though every movement had more blood pouring out and the pain was so intense I could barely even breathe. Energy washed across my skin, fierce and dark, but something was wrong with my eyesight because I could no longer see the stones, let alone tell whether they were active.

Not go! Stay!

I can’t—

She wasn’t listening. She never did, I guess. That surge of energy grew closer and closer even as my mind seemed to drift farther and farther away. It tore through me like a summer storm, sharp and electric, breaking me apart, then sweeping me away. I have no idea where it deposited me. I was no longer capable of caring.

My world was one of darkness and peace, and I smiled.
Yes,
I thought,
I’m ready
.

And not even Amaya’s howls of protest could stop me from stepping free of my soul.

Light flared all around me, light that was warm and golden and peaceful. The figure of a woman appeared, her face glowing and serene. I smiled, unsurprised that the image the reaper who’d come to escort me onward had chosen to wear was the countenance of my mother. Of everyone I knew, she was the one person I trusted utterly.

Though Azriel had come pretty close.

As my thoughts turned to him, the light around me seemed to dim. No, I thought with determination. I
was
ready to move on.

The reaper wearing my mother’s face smiled and offered me her hand. I hesitated and, just for a moment, thought of Tao and Ilianna, Riley and Quinn, Rhoan and his partner, Liander, and everyone else I was leaving behind. They would undoubtedly mourn my loss, but by my leaving, they could no longer be hurt by the madness that surrounded me.

And this was my chance, perhaps my only chance, to be with my mother again. I wanted that. More than anything, I wanted to see her, be with her, one more time.

I closed my eyes briefly, took a deep breath, then stepped forward.

It was then that Azriel appeared and blocked my path to the reaper.

What on earth are you doing?
The words seemed to echo across the golden light, and an odd hush fell around us.

I’m sorry, Risa, but this cannot happen
.

It is my time—

Yes, it is, but that does not mean I can let you go.

It is better for everyone—

Not everyone,
he said and with such ferocity the very world around us quivered under its force.
Definitely not everyone.

Then he reached out, grabbed my arm, and yanked me forward.

Not into death.

Into life.

•   •   •

I have no idea how long it took me to wake. I know I fought it for a very long time, desperate to snatch back what had been taken. Desperate to find that reaper again and move on, to be with my mother and far away from the pain and the hurt and the guilt and the never-ending expectations of others.

But that was an option that was not mine to take. Not now.

When I finally did open my eyes, it was to discover I wasn’t alone. I guess that was no surprise. I did have people who cared for me, even if a tiny part of me actually resented that fact right now. If I’d moved on, as fate had destined me to, then I would not once again be responsible for their safety.

You are not responsible for our safety, Risa. We are more than capable of taking care of ourselves.

The voice wasn’t Azriel’s. It was Aunt Riley’s.

I turned my head and looked at her. She was standing at the end of my hospital bed, her arms crossed and her expression severe. “You, my girl, will stop wishing yourself dead and start celebrating the fact you were given a second chance.”

“I wasn’t given anything,” I retorted. “It was
forced
onto me.”

“Running away, however you intended to do it, is never the answer—trust me on that.”

“It would have been a hell of a lot easier than remaining here and being forced—”

I cut the words off before I could reveal a little too much, and she narrowed her eyes. “Being forced to do what?”

“The bidding of the fucking Raziq and my father and god knows who else. Ilianna was kidnapped because of me. Tao fights for control of his own body because of me. My mother is dead because of me—”

She sucked in her breath. “How did Dia get into this?”

Tears stung my eyes, and all that anger suddenly just washed away. “It was Lucian who killed her.”

“And he’s dead?”

“Well and truly.”

“Good.” She moved up the side of the bed, then sat and gathered my hand in hers. “I know it feels right now that death would be the easier option, but trust me, it isn’t.”

“But the keys—”

“We can sort out the key problem together,” she said. “But you cannot allow yourself to fall into the trap of death. There are those in this world who can recall spirits and force them to do their bidding. What makes you think they will not do that to you?”

“Because they need me in flesh form to find—”

“So they’ve told you,” she cut in, “but are you certain it’s the truth?”

No, I wasn’t. I took a deep, shuddering breath and released it slowly. “Life,” I said softly, “sucks.”

She laughed and bent over to drop a kiss on my forehead. “Yeah, it often does. But I’m so glad you decided to stay with us. I couldn’t bear to lose you so soon after losing your mother.”

If she’d wanted me in tears, then she’d damn well succeeded. She smiled and brushed them away with a gentle finger. “I couldn’t be more proud of you if you were one of my own. You know that, don’t you?”

I knew. In her eyes, she’d always had six children, not five. Dia might have given birth to me, but Riley had nevertheless adopted me. And I loved her almost as much as I loved my own mother. Which was why I couldn’t let—

She pressed her fingers against my lips. “Enough with the self-sacrificing behavior. You can and will have our help, whether you like it or not. Now,” she added, brisk and businesslike, “Ilianna is waiting out in the hall, desperate to see you, but she’s under strict orders from the nurses and from me
not
to be more than a few minutes. Okay?”

“Okay.”

She went out. Two seconds later, Ilianna appeared. I smiled, utterly relieved to see her safe and sound, but there was tension in me, too. I was ultimately responsible for what had happened to her, after all.

But when my gaze rose to hers, all I saw was complete and utter acceptance of all that had happened. There was no hate, no bitterness, not even regret or reproach. Just acceptance.

And I found myself wishing I could find even
half
of her serenity. Those damn tears welled again. “God, Ilianna—”

“Ris, it’s okay,” she said. “This event was foretold a long time ago, and even though I
had
thought it would be Carwyn’s child I’d bear, I can’t regret what happened. Not knowing what I do of her fate.”

“But he forced you—”

“He used magic, yes, and it wasn’t pleasant, but neither was it life-ending. I hate him, but I can’t hate the result.”

Which made me all the more ashamed, because I
could
. I didn’t want to bear Lucian’s child. No ifs, buts, or maybes.

But could I abort the child? Could I do that, when there was also a slim chance that the child was Azriel’s?

That was a question I just couldn’t answer.

I caught Ilianna’s hand and squeezed it lightly. “Where’s Tao? And Carwyn? Last time I saw them, they were both all fired up to ride to your rescue.”

She smiled. “Well, right now they’re both more than a little pissed at missing all the action. I believe Carwyn had pictured himself coming to my rescue and sweeping me off my feet in the process.”

“Oh, I have no doubt about that.” I hesitated. “Does he know what happened?”

“Not yet. But I’ll tell him soon.”

“How will that affect things?”

“It won’t. He’s after the merger with my family more than just me.” She shrugged, expression unconcerned. But then, it wasn’t like it was a love match. She had that in Mirri. “Stallions never take kindly to the offspring of others, but he won’t hurt the child, and she’ll be allowed to remain in his herd until grown.”

“I guess that’s something.”

“That’s everything. At least everything that matters.” She smiled. “Tao said he’d visit tonight, seeing your aunt is adamant you get no more than one visitor at a time, lest it weaken you.”

“She can be rather fierce about these things,” I said with a smile.

“Too right she can,” the woman in question said. “Ilianna, time’s up. You can visit her tomorrow. Right now, she needs to rest.”

Ilianna dropped a kiss on my cheek, then, with a promise to be back, left.

And that, basically, was the pattern of the next four days. Visitors in between bouts of resting, but no sign of the one person I really wanted to see.

Azriel.

It was deliberate on his part; of that I had no doubt. He’d crossed a line, with me and with death, and there would be a price to pay. Whether by me, or by him, or by us both, I had no idea.

On the fifth day, the doctors declared my werewolf heritage had worked another goddamn miracle and that I was fit enough to go home.
That
was music to my ears.

I rang Ilianna and arranged for her to pick me up, then climbed out of bed and took a shower. I was clean, dressed, and ready to get the hell away from the hospital and the awareness of death that continuously washed over me, thanks to the presence of the sick and the dying, when a different kind of awareness hit.

Azriel had finally decided to show up.

He appeared on the other side of the room, his arms crossed and his stance easy. And, as usual, his expression gave nothing away. He was holding his emotions—and his thoughts—very much in check.

I studied him for a moment, then said, “What did you do?”

“You know what I did,” he replied, voice even. “I made you live.”

I snorted softly. “Okay, let me rephrase that.
How
did you do that?”

He hesitated. “By leashing our energy beings together.”

Fear curled through me. A fear unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. “You leashed our beings? As in, forever bound together?”

“Yes.”

“So if you die, I die?”

“If I die, you take my place.”

I stared at him. Did that mean . . . ? “No, that’s not possible. I’m a flesh-and-blood being. I can never be what you are.”

“You were never
just
flesh and blood, Risa. You were born half Aedh and became more so after what Marin did. When I snatched you from fate’s pathway, I altered not only your destiny, but your very being.”

No, no,
no
! How was something like that possible? How could I be born one thing and be made, on death, into another?

“What if
I
die? What if I decide to kill myself rather than become something I never wanted to be?”

Something flickered through his eyes. Anger, fear, hurt. I wasn’t entirely sure. “You would not kill yourself.”

“But what if I
did
?” I all but shouted.

“Then you would still become what I am—a dark angel.”

I just stared at him. I couldn’t do anything else. I was stunned. Broken. Betrayed. Again.

“Damn it, Azriel,
why
?”

“You know why.”

“The mission. The key.” I swung away, not wanting to look at him, not wanting him to see the hurt. It was always the
damn
key. Always about the damn mission.

“It
wasn’t
about the damn mission or the key!” The sharp denial was accompanied by an explosion of anger that rolled my senses and just about fried my mind. “And if you’d listen to your heart
and
your body, you’d know it!”

I closed my eyes. Listen to my body, he said. Which implied he knew not only that I was pregnant but that the child was his.

So he’d saved what was rare and precious in his world. Not me. Never me.

“Damn it, Risa, that’s not—”

“Isn’t it?” I cut in and scrubbed a hand across suddenly aching eyes. I wouldn’t cry. I
wouldn’t
. “I listened to my heart, Azriel. I let you in. And you repaid that trust by taking away everything from me—”

“I haven’t—”

“You took my
future
, Azriel! When I die, I won’t move on. I won’t be reborn.” Wouldn’t ever meet Mom again. “How can you stand there and say you
haven’t
taken everything away?”

He didn’t say anything. Didn’t deny anything.

I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the windowpane. “I can’t do this anymore, Azriel.”

“Do what?”

Just for a moment, I swear there was fear in his voice. But that had to be imagination. Reapers didn’t do fear. Didn’t do emotions. Not the way I wanted emotions, anyway.

“You. Me. I can’t do it. I don’t want you near me. I don’t want you in my life. I don’t want you following me around anymore.”

“Risa, that’s not possible without—”

I swung around, my fists clenched against the sudden explosion of anger. “I don’t
care
what is or isn’t possible. I just want you out of my life!”

He stared at me for several minutes, his expression stony. Not even Valdis was emoting. “If you take this step, if you force me to go, I may not be allowed to come back.”

“And I should be sad about that?” I spit out. “Besides, it’s not like you
won’t
know what’s going on. Not with the chi link—”

“That link was cut when you stepped onto death’s plane.”

“So why are you still able to read all my thoughts and emotions?”