Dating A Saint (2 page)

The situation with Jim was frustrating, but the one with her mother was utterly impossible. She had never been close to her mother, but it had gotten even worse after her father died. Her mother had no one else to torture but her now.

“I’ll happily dance at Jared’s wedding and buy them a big gift,” Lauren said brightly, trying to irk her mother into understanding the depths of her loathing for her ex.

“Don’t worry, darling. I understand sarcasm when I hear it. If he actually goes through with a second marriage, I’ll be standing by your side holding the box of tissues,” Lydia said, smiling at her daughter and feeling sorry for her.

Lauren put her head in her hand while her mother patted and cooed.

*** *** ****

That evening at Lucinda’s, they were almost finished with the appetizers before Regina finally couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Why are you not eating, Lauren? Did you have a fight with Lydia today?” she demanded. Regina refused to call the woman Lauren’s mother. What Lydia McCarthy put Lauren through was not nurturing or even friendly, much less motherly.

Alexa lifted her head and studied Lauren’s frown with new eyes. She’d been so happy planning her wedding she hadn’t noticed Lauren’s distress.

Lauren sighed deeply and closed her eyes. The last thing she wanted was to talk about her mother, but she knew Regina and Alexa would nag her until she spilled it all.

“Today was worse than usual. Mother has decided my lack of dating is because I hate sex. Then as if discussing my sex life over pasta wasn’t bad enough, she told me I should put up with Jared’s other women so I won’t be alone like she is at her age.”

“Honey, Lydia’s not alone because of her age,” Regina said firmly, wincing at the harshness of her criticism. “Sorry. It’s not my place to critique your mother.”

Alexa snorted. “Are you sure Lydia is your real mother?” she asked sarcastically.

Lauren snorted back. “Like either of your mothers is a prize—I mean seriously, do either of your mothers approve of you?” she asked both women, stung by the criticism, mostly because she hated the fact it was true.

And okay, maybe Lauren had lost count of the number of times she’d fantasized about Lydia not being her real mother.

Annoyed at the conversation as much as the distress on Lauren’s face, Alexa flipped her hair over her shoulders. “My mother is seventy-four and living the high life in her Florida retirement community. We enjoy the distance between us. I do think she likes me better now that I’m getting married to a Marine.”

Regina waved a hand in the air. “My mother is never going to approve of me because of what I do,” she said, heavy resignation in her voice. “But she loves me in her own way. I let that be enough. She adores Ben, of course. I’m sure she thinks I’m not good enough for him.”

“See there? There are lots of lousy mothers in the world,” Lauren insisted. “Mine is just annoying—and okay,
really, really
annoying, especially about my ex.”

“The problem is that unlike me and Regina, you still get pissed over your fights with Lydia, and then you get depressed when the guilt sets in,” Alexa said, grinning.

“My mother is not the only one who pisses—makes me mad,” Lauren corrected, tucking her hair absently behind one ear, glaring as Alexa’s words hit their target.

“Wow. You almost swore back at me. Lydia must have pushed the big buttons today,” Alexa teased, hoping Lauren would just let her anger rip for once. It wasn’t good to hold back all the time.

“Even if you don’t want to fight with Lydia, one of your dilemmas can be easily resolved,” Regina offered with a smile. “Start dating again and tell your mother you’re officially looking for sex. Solves that misconception—easy peasy.”

“
Easy peasy
? I’ve been hitting on Jim for weeks now, trying to date him. He won’t have anything to do with me physically,” Lauren complained. “You know he avoids me when he can.”

“Jim Gallagher is not the only man in the world, honey,” Alexa said, smiling also. “Besides, Jim might change his mind once he sees you back on the open market again.”

“But I don’t want to date other men,” Lauren said softly. “I don’t like most men. I’m not even sure I like Jim sometimes.”

“Dating would be good for you,” Regina told her, ignoring the hurt in Lauren’s voice. “And I agree with Alexa. It might wake up Mr. Gallagher a bit to see you aren’t pining away for him.”

“Dating means dressing up to lure men. I hate all the games,” Lauren complained. “Won’t Jim eventually—?”

What?
she asked herself.
Want you so badly he would set aside his guilt, tell you there is not a real wife, and take you to bed? Just because he kissed you a few times? Danced with you a few times?

Lauren looked at Alexa and Regina, saw the wisdom in their suggestions.

“Fine,” she grumbled. “I’ll think about dating, but I am not sleeping with other men to prove anything to my mother, or to Jim.”

“So can I kiss you goodnight?” Kenneth asked, standing closer to Lauren McCarthy than he ever had before. Feeling brave because she had been smiling at him all evening, he was even more disappointed than usual to feel her tensing even as the question was still leaving his mouth.

“Kenneth, please don’t go there. We’ve been through this debate before. I only want to be friends. I’ve always been honest with you about how I felt,” Lauren said, taking her keys from her purse and unlocking the door of her house.

Kenneth sighed and put his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, I know you keep giving me the
just friends
speech, Lauren, and you sure haven’t let me touch you—but why do you think I keep asking you out?”

“I thought you liked my company,” Lauren said, surprised and hurt.

Kenneth snorted. “You can’t be so naïve, Lauren. Of course I like your company, but damn it, I also want to kiss you, maybe even sleep with you eventually. Don’t you like men?”

Lauren paused in the process of opening the door.

“Of course I like men. Why? You think I’m a lesbian? Just because I won’t kiss you?” she asked him, somewhat shocked. She couldn’t help worrying for a moment if all the time she spent with Alexa and Regina had her putting off some sort of vibe.

Kenneth just stared at her, saying nothing, which Lauren concluded told her more than words would have.

“I’m not a lesbian,” Lauren told him flatly.

“Do you maybe wish you were?” Kenneth asked softly, sympathy coming through, even over the lust he always felt around her.

“
No
,” Lauren said, her voice indignant with disbelief. “I wish I had married better, and trusted men more, but no—I have not gone over to the other side. I’m still heterosexual.”

“How can you tell for sure?” Kenneth asked sarcastically, frowning when he saw her look away.

He sighed with frustration as he noticed the angry flush on Lauren’s face. Her temper only made her more appealing. It meant there was a passionate woman buried somewhere under her reticence to get involved. But after several friendly dinners, Kenneth now concluded he would be old and gray before Lauren would let him find out for sure.

“Not all men are like Jared,” Kenneth denied firmly, backing away from the front door when Lauren gave him a direct and very dirty look. “What I do is not the same as what he did to you. Yes, I date a lot, and yes—I sleep with some of the women I date. That’s not a crime, Lauren. It’s just how most of us figure relationships out.”

Standing a couple of steps down her front walk, Kenneth kicked an imaginary rock with the toe of his polished Italian shoe. He couldn’t help wondering if Jared Smith’s bitter comments about Lauren being frigid had been on target after all.

“Hell, Lauren. You’re the kind of woman who inspires faithfulness in men, but not everyone can be a saint all the time,” he said angrily. “Some of us have needs.”

“
I am not a
saint
,” Lauren said tightly. Memories of Alexa’s and Regina’s teasing added more fuel to the flame Kenneth was lighting with his taunt. “I’m just not interested in bed hopping. That’s not a crime either, Kenneth.”

“You’re right. It’s not,” he said softly, “but I bet your bed is always lonely and cold, Lauren McCarthy. There are a lot of good men who wouldn’t mind warming it up if you’d let them. Call me if you want to discuss me as possibility, but don’t call me again just for another platonic dinner. I don’t want to just be friends with you.”

“Fine,” Lauren told him, her stomach clenching and unclenching. She refused to feel guilty for not being sexually interested in Kenneth, even as a clear image of a man she was sexually interested in popped into her head. She closed her eyes on her physical reaction, thinking she understood now why Regina and Alexa swore so much. You needed a good strong swear word to describe this level of frustration.

Kenneth sighed at Lauren’s tortured expression, but he refused to feel sorry for her again. There was nothing more anyone could say or do until Lauren McCarthy changed her perspective.

“I guess I’ll see you around then,” he told her, turning and walking back to a silver Mustang GT parked at the curb.

Lauren walked inside and closed and bolted the door. Kenneth had surprised her, but only because she was acting every bit as naïve as he accused her of being. Now she couldn’t help replaying their conversation anymore than she could help admitting Kenneth was right in some ways.

She agreed there was nothing wrong with dating or even sleeping with someone under the right circumstances. Despite what people might think about her abstaining habit, she wasn’t a prude. She was just cautious because available nice guys like Kenneth didn’t do anything sexually for her. Zilch. Nada. No tingles, as Alexa would say. It listed high among the worst things she knew about herself.

Lauren knew Kenneth would be shocked to learn she would have let Jim Gallagher into her bed tonight without even thinking twice about it. She had a level of sexual desire for Jim much stronger than anything she had ever felt for any other man. She was long past the point of denying her attraction to him, despite the humiliation of Jim resisting the attraction between them. He had all but admitted there was no other woman sharing his bed, so why didn’t he want her?

Fearing Jim was never going to be gracing her mattress with his giant, to-die-for body was the reason Lauren finally broke down and asked Kenneth to dinner. She’d wanted desperately to have a man look at her who she knew for sure would follow through if she got the urge to take a chance on a man she didn’t really want.

“Oh damn Jim Gallagher anyway,” Lauren swore, finally realizing what she had done.

She was worse than Kenneth implied because she was lying to herself and being a tease. But all she wanted was dinner with a man who acted like he wanted to spend time with her. What was so wrong with wanting something like that?

Frustrated emotion built to swearing level again, which she did over and over as she hung up her coat. She was tired of being a person no one took seriously, tired of people thinking she had no needs at all, tired of being the saint Alexa and Regina kept harping about.

It was Jim’s fault for being the only man in seven years she had wanted to take to bed. She had been perfectly fine before he’d kissed her in Alexa’s garden—well, mostly fine anyway.

Deflated and depressed, Lauren trudged upstairs to the second floor master with its large bath and clawfoot soaking tub. She put a double dose of her homemade lavender and chamomile bath salts in as it filled, hoping she could find enough peace to sleep.

*** *** ***

Lucinda’s was crowded for dinner the next evening, and every table was packed. It was one of those times they were glad Alexa had a permanent reservation on Thursdays.

“So how was your date with the delectable Kenneth Adams?” Alexa asked.

Regina lifted an eyebrow at Alexa’s tone but kept eating her veggie pizza.

“Fine,” Lauren hedged, looking away. The stuffed mushroom she’d been swallowing stuck in her suddenly tense throat.

“You can really pick them, honey. That man definitely knows how to kiss,” Alexa remarked. “If anyone can take your mind off you-know-who, Kenneth probably can.”

“How do you know how Kenneth kisses?” Lauren demanded, losing her interest in the food.

“Oh, I dated him a little right after his divorce. It was a rebound kind of thing, but I still remember it—him. I didn’t sleep with him, but going out with him was fun. It was before I knew you well enough to share those details of my life,” Alexa said in her defense, noting the angry color flushing Lauren’s face. “And you only mentioned Kenneth to us last week.”

“Well, I don’t know how the man kisses because I never let Kenneth kiss me,” Lauren said tersely, picking up a celery stick and crunching it loudly.

“Why not?” Regina asked, agitated, unable to let the comment go even though she’d counseled herself multiple times on staying out of Lauren’s love life. “A simple goodnight kiss is like a good cup of coffee after an excellent meal. It doesn’t have to be serious.”

“Says the woman who kissed a virtual stranger, and then married him three months later,” Lauren declared, then blushed, furious with herself for letting her envy show.

Alexa put her hand on Regina’s arm to stop her from blasting Lauren with something sure to reduce her to tears. She could tell Lauren was walking the edge tonight.

“Lauren, I’m sorry it bothers you that I kissed Kenneth. I didn’t tell you to hurt you. I was trying to tease, but I can see now it’s not funny to you. He was seriously hurt when his wife left him for his best friend. I’m sure he’s still just looking for the right person like everyone else. He seems like a perfectly nice man,” Alexa told her gently.

Lauren swallowed hard. She wasn’t angry with Alexa for what she’d done with Kenneth. She was angry with herself for not even wanting to kiss the man.

“Yes. I’m sure Kenneth is perfectly nice, but evidently I’m not into nice. Apparently, I can only get turned on by unfaithful, womanizing teases who churn you up and leave you hanging.”

Irritation drained instantly from Regina, only to be replaced by a staggering and overwhelming concern for both Lauren and Jim. Jim was obviously still feeling guilty about his wife, who wasn’t even a real wife, and now Lauren was suffering for the situation as well.