Dear Adam (32 page)

I see.

May I call you now? I’m in a terrible state.
I desperately need to hear your voice. You’re the only one who can
calm me down.

Thank you for never keeping secrets from me.
Thank you for always telling me the truth. Any hint of falseness or
lies would make our entire relationship false.

I agree. That’s how I know we’re solid. When
it comes to these pivotal issues, we’re always on the same page.
Darling, is something wrong? I know you’re not feeling well at the
moment, but you would tell me if there was anything on your mind,
right?

Is your Skype on? I just tried calling you
now and you didn’t pick up.

I’d rather message.

Are you unhappy with me?

I miss you so much.

I’m getting really scared. Why don’t you
want to talk to me?

Have I done something wrong?

I don’t think I can go on with this
charade.

What charade??

I want to believe everything you’ve said.
But I think it’s time for me to just stop. I will ask you here and
now to tell me the truth about you. I don’t know who you are. I
don’t know where you live. You’re in no danger of me finding you.
So I am begging you to please tell me the truth.

Where is this coming from? What has
happened? I’ve always been honest with you. What do you think I’ve
lied to you about??? Please, please, please pick up the phone so we
can talk about this.

You never intended to meet me, did you? I
don’t know where you thought all this would lead to. But I know now
that once you “go” to Spain, you will tell me that your Uncle is
seriously ill or has died and we would have to postpone meeting.
Then after a few months something else will come up. And on and on.
And we will have this same exact conversation and it will end in
the same exact way. Us never meeting.

You think I’d say something as heinous as my
Uncle being ill when he wasn’t? Just the thought of him in this
condition pains me. Please, Edie, whatever you’re angry with me
about, whatever you think I’ve done, let us be dignified and at
least speak to each other about it. Text messaging about important
issues like this is degrading to our relationship.

I saw the IP addresses on your e-mails,
Adam. None of them were from Sicily. They were all from the US. WHO
ARE YOU???

Eden, you know who I am.

What has happened?

I use proxy IP addresses for all my Internet
communications and transactions. It's perfectly legal and costs a
pittance. You know about my privacy concerns.

Please pick up the phone

please

You know well how I would react to your
voice. You will have answers for everything and I will swallow them
all then feel guilty for ever having questioned you.

I only have answers for the things that I
can answer fairly and honestly. You are hurting me very much right
now, but I am still willing to do whatever it takes to fix this. I
am not like other men, Edie. I will always do what is right.

I have given you three months of chances to
be honest with me and still I do not know the truth. I have no
other choice. I feel so very sad and so very stupid. Goodbye
Adam.

“
This is Brad, how may I
help you today, Miss Espinoza?” His voice was light and
chipper.

“
I would like my phone
number changed as soon as possible please.”

“
Alrighty,” Brad replied
smoothly. “First, I need you to verify your account. Now, please
punch in the last four digits of your Social Security
number.”

Eden did as she was told, trying not to panic
as her iPhone started ringing. Adam was trying to call her. She
turned off the ringer.

“
I see you have an incoming
call. I’d be happy to hold -”

“
No!” Eden took a deep
breath, trying to steady herself. “Please just proceed as quickly
as you can.”

“
Uh, yes, ma’am.” His tone
was no longer chipper, but businesslike. “You want to change the
number ending in 10 or the number ending in 74?”

“
The number ending in
74.”

“
Are you calling from
another phone?”

“
Yes, my land
line.”

“
Do you want to keep the
same plan?”

“
Yes.”

She heard him tapping on the keys.

“
Now, I see that you barely
use your minutes, may I suggest that you transfer to a smaller,
more economical plan -”

“
Brad, I appreciate your
suggestion, but I just need my phone number changed immediately,
please.”

“
Sorry.” He sounded
offended. “Uh, alright. It’s changed.”

“
My old number doesn’t work
anymore?”

“
Correct. I am now sending
you a text message to your new number and it should show up … right
now.”

Her phone vibrated. It was a text
message.

“
Did you receive
it?”

“
Yes.”

“
That is your new number
and it is live and effective as of this second.”

“
Thank you,
Brad.”

“
If you backed up all your
old contacts through the Cloud, you can download -“

“
Bye, Brad. Thanks
again.”

Eden hurriedly hung up the phone without
waiting for Brad to say goodbye. She could breathe a bit easier
now, but she still had some fast work to do.

-----------

Subject: Goodbye

From: Eden E. -

Date: Sun, Nov 11, at 11:35 AM

To: [email protected];
[email protected]; [email protected];
[email protected]

Dear Cassie, Alice, Micha, and Erin,

Please don’t be alarmed. I just wanted to
tell you that I will be taking an indefinite break from the
Internet. I will be deleting my Twitter, my Facebook page and Book
Bohemian.

Although this is sudden, I want to assure
you that nothing negative happened; I love blogging and I love all
of you guys. You’ve made these past three years such an
unbelievable joy. Even though we’ve never met, I feel so privileged
that I got to know you through blogging and our shared love of
books. Every time you visited Book Bohemian, every comment you’ve
ever made has touched me so much. You’ve given me laughter and made
me smile on too many occasions to count. Thank you.

Please feel free to forward this e-mail to
anyone who asks. I don’t mean to exclude any of the other bloggers,
but I just wanted to tell the four of you because you have been
with me since the beginning.

Again, please don’t worry. This is just a
lifestyle change. I wish you well.

Eden

Are you sure you want to permanently delete
this account, including the associated blog, e-mail, and other
products?

Eden blinked at the window that popped up.
Deleting her Twitter and Facebook took seconds. Hardly any thought.
But Book Bohemian was different. Three years of reviews. 517 posts.
All her hard work. Her heart and soul were in it. Is this what she
really wanted to do?

Her e-mail inbox was fast filling up. Adam
had sent her 10 e-mails so far, each one coming every few
minutes.

She had no choice. As much as she loved Book
Bohemian, it was now ruined. Every time she looked at it, it would
remind her of her foolishness. How could she go on knowing that
Adam would read it? That because of her blog, she had made it
possible for someone like Adam to find her, deceive her, and make
her fall in love with an illusion? Even if she somehow found the
desire to continue blogging, it would never be the same.

All she wanted to do was disappear from the
world and hide so that no one could ever find her and hurt her
again.

It was a ridiculously easy act of severing.
She hit delete, and her blog was gone.

She sat in disbelief at what she had just
done. In less than half an hour, she had left the man she was in
love with and obliterated three years of her life. A black abyss
now yawned before her.

Her iPhone started vibrating, startling her
as she had not given her new number out to anyone yet. She looked
at the screen and gasped in shock.

It was Adam.

She dropped her phone on the bed and backed
away. The sudden, familiar panic began to engulf her. Trapped in a
corner, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. No matter what she did, he
would find her.

Her phone continued vibrating, then abruptly
stopped. A moment later, it buzzed. A voice mail.

It took an hour of stupefied silence before
she got the courage to listen to it.

Adam’s deep voice was heavy and sad.

“
Please don’t be scared,
Edie. After this, I won’t call you again. I just wanted to tell you
that I can get your blog back for you if you wish. I didn’t mean
... I didn’t know ... I had no idea how self-destructive you were.
I’m sorry I’ve driven you to this. I promise I won’t contact you
anymore. I’m genuinely afraid of what else you might do. I want you
to know, and maybe someday you’ll come to believe it, that whatever
secrets I’ve kept, it was to protect you, not to hurt you. It’s
plain that you think I’m some sort of monster. I suppose with the
life I’ve led, I couldn’t expect someone like you to ever see me as
anything else. I can’t believe I’m saying this to a machine. I
wanted to say it to you in person. I shouldn’t have waited. I
should have said it as soon as I knew it. I love you. I will miss
you. Always. Something beautiful has died. Goodbye.”

Chapter 16

Tuesday, November 12 7:39 PM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Eden Espinoza

Dear Adam,

I'm going to keep this alive here. Where it
started. In e-mails, in the ether, in my head. I will continue
writing to you as if you will read this. Maybe it will help me. I
don't know.

Here, you're real. Just as I believed you to
be for three months. Here, I can pretend that you did love me, and
love me still.

It's difficult for me to stop writing to
you. There are still so many things I want to say, despite the fact
that all this time I wrote to you every day, spoke to you every
day.

I gutted myself this time, didn't I? No one
did it but me. I am flayed, my insides out.

The heart - my heart - is resilient. I've
had enough proof of that. But I do wish more than anything that it
breaks for good this time.

I don't want it to heal.

I don't want it put back together.

I don't think I can take this pain
again.

Eden

----------

Thursday, November 14 9:43 PM

Fr: Eden Espinoza

To: Eden Espinoza

Dear Adam,

The habit of you is hard to break.

I can’t stop checking my phone. I only got
it for you. It will be silent now, as it was before you came into
my life.

I don't think you know what these past three
months have meant to me. I lived for each e-mail, each message,
each time that stupid Skype jingle came on. I shuffled schedules;
chose to stay home and wait for you; I neglected important things,
important people; arranged my day, my life around you. Then as now,
everything but Dante seems like purgatory, something I have to
suffer through until I could be with you.