Dear Nobody (13 page)

Dear Nobody,

Sometimes I feel like being the biggest bitch alive. I feel like being as completely heartless as possible. I want to send shivers down people's spines and turn their stomachs. I want to desensitize everyone's heart with my indifference. I want to return everything that everyone's left in my doleful path. Not only will they know the hurt, shame, embarrassment and loneliness they've taught me—but at least this way they shall FEEL it, too.

Dear Nobody,

I'm not going to lie. Right now I feel very drunk. I already apologized for being drunk to Geoff.

I told him about my Cystic Fibrosis.

He started talking about his Dad who died.

He told me he never visits his grave.

I told him I didn't want to hear about death anymore, and hung up on him.

Oh shit, I see the word death—that means DEATH.

I'm sorry, I love you…

Hello Nobody,

Right now I am drunk. Not too much. Not drunk on love, or pain, but alcohol. Which is both. I shall die if I am to be without it. I am so drunk—therefore truly numb, but I feel my emotions now. The void called love, the misery called shame, and the hurt called pain. I am an alcoholic to a sickly extent—and an addict to a fatal extent. I was born of a sickly gene pool and un-blissful intelligence. My only comforts are my darling acid tears—AND ALCOHOL.

Dear Nobody,

It's 2:23 a.m. on a Sunday. I can't sleep. I feel kind of raped.

Yesterday Geoff told me about how this guy fucked me after I passed out. It's my fault. If I didn't drink and pass out, that wouldn't have happened. I feel so dirty and empty.

When you're a slut, you feel like THAT'S ALL you're good for.

See, this feeling is different. It's a cross of anger, and some other unexplainable feeling; just one more thing to humiliate me. What can I do?
I put myself in this situation.

If I told my mom about this, and how I feel, she would just say I asked for it. So I have no one to talk to about this. Geoff is my only friend; I hate everyone else—but I can't talk to Geoff about this.

I'm so pissed. How could this happen to me? It's my fault, I guess. I mean, I've been taken advantage of before, but this feels different—I was UNCONSCIOUS. Maybe I have no right to feel the way I do? What the fuck can I say about this? I can't even remember it. I can't. I hate males—FUCK THEM!

Geoff is the only one of those fuckers I still care about.

Shit, I feel so fucking empty. No one to trust, or talk to either. It's all my fault. Man, I can't explain this feeling. I want it to leave. I feel empty. I just feel like being alone. You get what you deserve.

I apologize to myself—
but I can't forgive myself.

Dear Nobody,

Geoff and I are finally done. Yeah, it's all over. I feel like a glass of spilt sherry. On the phone he said he wants Vickie, or her friend Michelle, instead of me. I basically called him an overweight fuck-up. I told him that he'll never get laid unless he started losing weight, ESPECIALLY by me.

Geoff asked me if that was a promise.

I said it was his loss.

He said no, it was his gain.

I told him that his fat ass need not gain anymore of anything.

Then old Geoff had the audacity to make a hot dog joke about me that's too hurtful to repeat.

I was so humiliated and hurt—the thought that the love of my life, the bearer of my heart, my first true love, the most respectable man in my life had made a hot dog joke—it was the worst thing he ever could have said. It symbolized everything I hated people for—and he had gone and done it. He had made me feel exploited, violated, and humiliated—just like everyone else.

We haven't spoken for over ten days. It's a record.

Yes, this is it. I'm done with him. I'll find someone better. Can't say the same for him.

He was basically a nice guy.

Oh, well, I know he can't forget me. Two nights ago, he called and hung up—until 3:00 in the morning. All calls from payphones.

I must be costing him a fortune in quarters.

Dear Nobody,

Last night I was out walking around after me and mom got into a fight—when I saw some of my ex-boyfriend's friends walking toward me on the opposite side of the street. They called me over and asked me if I knew where Geoff was.

I was like, “How the fuck would I know?”

While we are all talking—I saw Geoff come out of a house right by us—then he quickly went back in when he saw me. I called his name and he came back out on the porch. Standing behind him was this girl he's been seeing (I guess it's his new girlfriend). He had her initials tattooed onto his chest. I was just like, “Oh, so this is how it is now?”

At first I didn't say anything. Then I began calling his name. He just looked at me with a really nasty expression on his face. I asked him to come down and talk with me, but he refused. All of his friends just stared at me like I was a dumb-ass. He said how yesterday I acted like a bitch. Finally I just walked off. I was really kind of embarrassed and pissed. I felt pretty humiliated. (What a surprise—ME? Humiliated?)

Later, I ran into his friends again and tagged along with them. We all went to search for alcohol. Some cute hippy dude with a car saw us outside the liquor store, trying to buy some and he got it for us. Then we got into his car and went to the cemetery and got drunk. It was a lot of fun. Then we went back to his house and he invited some of his friends over. Man, he had some hot friends. I passed out and spent the night at one of their houses. It was a cool night—but I'll probably never see that hippy dude again. He lives in Hanover or some shit.

But at least I didn't think about Geoff all night.

Dear Nobody,

I feel so betrayed and used. But what the fuck else is new? I'm lonely. I can't trust anyone at all. I guess I'd better get used to it. Man, for almost six months I trusted and cared for these people. I lost and sacrificed a lot for them. I really loved my friends. I had let them become almost my life. And what have they done to make me feel so betrayed, empty, and lonely?

One raped me while I was passed out. I heard if the girl gives no consent, or can't, it's rape. I really trusted him, too. The other motherfucker (or maybe it was all those motherfuckers) broke into my house and stole three fucking CDs (one of them was fucking Nirvana, too) AND they stole the VCR. The next fuck-up lied to me very badly and abused my trust.

Fuck them ALL. At least until I find a different form of assholes to suck me dry and leave me all alone. Now this pile of books are my only friends for a while.

I don't know, I just do this sometimes. I'll lose everything and everyone, but then as soon as one little shard of something or someone to grab onto floats by me, I grab onto it as if it'll save me from getting sucked under and drowning.

I'm almost sure that that's what brought me into my last mess.

I don't need any more messes for now.

But I guess I'll hold my breath—
and walk right into the next one.

Dear Nobody,

I have never felt worse. I'm getting a little sick again, and Geoff is being a dick. He's just purposely trying to hurt me. Just like everybody else. With the rape, I am feeling a little bit better now. As far as other shit (drugs and alcohol), it's getting to me again, and I really can't let that happen. That shit fucked me up enough already.

Now Phoenixville High School wants to send me to residential rehab. RESIDENTIAL. Yeah, you fucking live there for however long—like I haven't been away from home enough. Fucking shit, I just got out of the goddamn hospital two weeks ago. The people at my school say they want me to go because my mom is an alcoholic in denial, and even though I haven't drank for a while, her drinking could trigger mine. Yeah, but aren't they going to fucking send me right back to her anyway? They say if I get help, maybe she will get help. Why the fuck do I have to be her fucking martyr? And she's been fucking MEAN to me this week, like worse than ever before. So why the fuck?

The insurance company might not pay for it. I am hoping to God they won't. And now she wants me to go see her parents. I swear I can't fucking stand that goddamn place. I'll probably fucking end up killing myself or something. No fucking way I'm going.

Fuck them and that.

Fuck
It
All.

Oh, and now they want to put me in fucking Special Ed. because of the school I missed. Kiss my diseased ass I'll be in Special Ed! I'm not fucking Stupid!

FUCK
THAT!

Oh, yeah, and I also have to go fucking under anesthesia because my stomach is bleeding. They have to do a test. Yep. Some kind of goddamn ulcer.

Gee, I wonder what the fuck that could be from?

FUCK
IT
ALL!!!

Dear Nobody,

All of my friends—even my ex-boyfriend—deserted me tonight. I got really wasted—and I begged them to take care of me while I was fucked up, but not one of those assholes did. They were all lying and shit to get me away from them—because I was falling around on my ass and being loud.

Geoff just completely forgot about me. And I know why, too. I have my period—so he can't get any. Otherwise he would have probably just fucked me and let me pass out, but instead he just completely forgot about me.

The party broke up; all my friends left and I had nowhere to go. It was horrible. So I was just like, “Fuck it,” and I went back to the broken-up party and begged them to let me in and crash. They were already pissed at me and hated me for making noise.

They told me, “GET THE FUCK AWAY, YOU UGLY BITCH!”

So then I got even more pissed and told them I was staying on their porch that night.

One guy was like, “We'll let you in if you suck our dicks!”

The other one was like, “Hell, no, I ain't letting that bitch
near
my dick!”

I wouldn't have done it anyway.

Then one of the fuckers pissed on me. Literally.

I told them to give me some money to call someone and I'd leave. They gave me a dollar in quarters and I left. I felt like shit. I was out of tears by then, and my knee was bleeding from when I fell earlier. I walked toward the payphone at Turkey Hill gas station to call Geoff, beg his forgiveness, and ask him to come and get me.

On the way over there, some guy around thirty-seven or forty-years-old asked me to get into his car. He started calling to me from across the street and I couldn't see who it was. I thought maybe it was one of the people from the party who felt bad—and were gonna give me a ride, so I walked over to him. It was some man that I'd never seen before in my life—so I ran away from his car as fast as I could!

I had walked about halfway home, when my mom's car pulled up next to me and I got in. Apparently a “friend” of mine had called her and told her that I was smoking weed and drinking and was walking home alone in the dark.

Yeah, tonight SUCKED!

Dear Nobody,

I only fuck the ones I love…

So why can't I love everyone?

Everyone seems to love me…

Because they're always trying to fuck w/ me