Dear Nobody (7 page)
Authors: Gillian McCain
Dear Nobody,
I've fallen in love with Ryan. Hard. We all were down at the rope swing with mom's boyfriend, Joe, drinking a case of beerâI had like eight beers and Ryan had three. Joe was drinking whisky and told Ryan I liked him. It was okayâat least we got it established. Ryan seemed okay with it, but really didn't show if he liked meâthough he did seem a little more comfortable around me after that. Well, since I was getting a buzz on (even though I
wasn't
drunk) I was getting loud. Okay: loud, bossy and cursing A LOT, but I was still okay. Ryan seemed to want to leave, but I wouldn't let him. I told him he had to stayâso he did. Then he said that he HAD to go home because he needed to get up EARLY the next day, so he could get his picture taken
for yearbook.
I asked him if he planned on going to the rope swing tomorrow.
He said, “Yeah.”
I asked, “What time?”
He said that it would depend on what time he woke up!
DUH! He can't even lie right.
Oh, well.
So guess whatâthe next day, he doesn't even show up! At ALL! So I got really, really drunk.
MAD
DRUNK
. I went to Adrienne's and called him to bitch him out. Ryan hung up on me when I started yelling. When I called back his mom answered and told me that Ryan wasn't thereâeven though she's as bad a liar as her sonâI was still really polite.
Man, I done fucked up. Haven't heard from Ryan since. Fucker. Oh well.
I STILL like him though.
Dear Hayley,
Hi Hayley! How's it going? So much fucked-up shit has been happening to meâI don't even know if it's all good or all bad. I don't know if I should be happy or freak the fuck out! Well, I've been getting fucked-up, “for free,” everyday lately and I've been making acquaintances and I fall in love with a new person every day. But there's this one guy, Ryan, that I just can't seem to shake. He's so placid and tranquilâa thinkerâlike you, Hayley. One thing I'm notâis placid, and I've NEVER been described as tranquil. Passionate, and uh, ambitiousâokay, I guess; whereas you two may be more analytical, where I would be more curious. Understand? Well I'm telling you this because you would get it more than anyone else. So for the past few weeks, we've been talking, and throwing “glances” at each other. It took him a while, but I got some of his ice to break, and his natural warmth melted most of mine. I was still usually quieter around him, but when he came around, everyone else vanished and HE became my audience. And what do I do for an audience?
Perform!
Well, one day my mom's boyfriend got drunk, and came down to where we usually hang out. He bought us a case of beer. We were all drinkingâI had eight beers in about forty-five minutes (maybe an hour). I wasn't drunk, just buzzing a little.
My mom's boyfriend was the most fucked-up. He looked at my crush and asked Ryan if he had a job, and when “my” guy said, “No” mom's boyfriend said, “Well, Mary Rose really likes you, so you bet you have a job now!”
Let me say that when I drink, I like to BE the partyâI make jokes and inspire the drunken debates of conversation more than anyone else in the room. Well, I was in rare form compared to what my crush was used to seeing of me. He laughed at all of my jokes, and I caught him looking at me, but maybe that was in shock, since I was being so contrary to my “usual” self. HaâI was getting pretty drunk as the night progressed. I borrowed somebody's shirt, and I threw up all over it. Ryan was watching. I didn't want to gross him out, but I had to sit down. Somebody goes, “SHE'S PUKING ALL OVER YOUR SHIRT!”
I go, “I'm not puking on it, I'm CUSTOMIZING it!”
Everyone laughed and so did he.
Well, a while later I started getting bitchy and bossy, but had a sense of humor about it. I don't think he expected me to be the type to get rowdy. But I was. VERY rowdy. We had fun, but I don't think he expected it.
Long story short, I caught him in a lie, but I acted like I didn't notice. That disappointed meânothing hurts like being lied to. But I surprised him a few times that night with my deceptivenessâbut
I didn't lie
. So I figure we're even, and I crush on him even more, now that I'm comfortable with him. Well, it turns out the next day (after the night of surprises) Ryan stands me up.
I was
devastated
.
So I did the only reasonable thing I could think ofâI got even drunker than the night before, and called Ryan and cursed him out until he hung up on me (another thing he probably thought me not capable of). He thought I was “above” that I guess. You know; like I was ultra-passive or something. NOT when I'm drunk. So when he hung up, I called right back and his mom answered and said he wasn't there. She probably guessed I was fucked-up. Ryan was probably pissed.
Yep, looks like I blew that one.
So I go get this cute guy that I'm attracted to, but wouldn't “date,” and we were making out in my basement. When my mom got home, I guess she was locked out of the house, and I was too busy to hear her knocking on the door, so she breaks a window to get inâand found us. She wasn't that pissed, but we left anyway. I came home late that night, and woke up around four a.m. under the coffee table in the living room. I was still fucked-up.
My mom comes downstairs and says, “What are you doing?”
I said, “Leave me alone, I'm camping.”
See, I'm weird when I'm drunk, but at least I have a sense of humor about it.
Anyway, guess I scared the shit out of Ryan. So much for pretending to be tranquil; should have been myself from the start. I wanted Ryan to like meâno matter how much it hurt. So now I end up with the one I could love, shaking his head like, “What the fuck?” and some guy I just thought was cuteâis almost in love with me.
I call it karma. It all balances out.
Maybe Ryan just needs time to digest what's been going on. Besides, once I get in somebody's system, it's pretty hard to get me out completely.
Ryan has a Virgo mom, and you're a Virgo, so maybe you'd be able to help me with him.
Okay, well I love you tons, and miss you tons!
Love forever,
Mary Rose
Dear Nobody,
Well, today mom pulled some crazy shit. We were getting along so well. We were hanging out together, being a family; almost like when I was little. So I get back from the rope swing and there's a note on the table saying that she went to meet Joe and that she'd be back at 7:30 p.m. Well after 7:30 (a LOT after), mom comes home with my McDonald's dinner, and surpriseâJoeâher abusive ex-boyfriend (or fiancéâor whatever) was with her! I was SO ENRAGED! So when they were out on the porch smoking cigarettes, blowing smoke into
MY
house, I locked them out. Deadbolt, wood stick, locked windows. And I barricaded the front door with furniture. They were out there for two hours before Joe started yelling something and got a garden tool and tried to pry through the kitchen window. That's when I threw her wallet and keys out the window and they left.
Mom called from a payphone. She told me if I didn't like living there with him, I would, “HAVE TO FIND SOMEPLACE ELSE TO LIVE!” Yep. My own “mother” chose an abusive, asshole boyfriend over me and my eight-year-old sister.
Fucking bitch!
She only loves me when it's convenient. I'M the one who is always there for her. I'M the one who is her DAUGHTERâand that word means nothing to her.
She said she was driving him two hours back to his parents' house; that's four hours of driving for that asshole.
Well, its 3:20 a.m. and she still isn't home yet. I hate itâhow dare she choose him over my baby sister and me? HOW? She cannot possibly love me. At all. She causes me so much pain. I could deal with my life if it weren't for her. I'm just a human after all. I've got my plate full. And I already feel like vomiting.
All I ever need is love. Just love. Love makes me happy.
I mean, now that Joe's gone, I feel okay, I guess. So long as he stays gone. But I am still very hurt. Very hurt, but okay for now. Well it's almost 3:30 a.m. (ten more minutes) and she still isn't home. So nice she can take off work for such things, but when we've got plans or something, she has to workâundoubtedly.
Oh well, from now on I'll just focus my energy on fun, nice things. But for nowâI'm going to bed to try and sleep.
Dear Nobody,
I just did some dope that some guy from Reading gave me.
I feel like the star of my own movie.
I feel like the queen of my own Queendom.
I feel like the prize of everyone's game.
I feel like the model of my own designs. I feel like the diamond in a musty cave.
Oh, how indescribable; I could be the author of a million theses and still not be able to describe thisâ¦
Dear Nobody,
Its 6:00 a.m. Here I amâstill buzzing from last night.
I'm buzzing so hard that I can barely feel my fingertips.
I had better be sleeping. I've got school in a couple of hours.
I took my picture twice with my new camera. I look pretty (but fucked up).
I can't remember coming home. I think Traci's parents gave me a ride.
I love alcohol. I love pictures.
I love pictures of me and alcohol.
I wonder if I did any drugs last night?
I look so pretty.
Its 6:05 a.m. Shit its early.
I'd better go to sleep while I can.
Good morning!
Dear Nobody,
Well Mary Rose, you are so fucked up right now. Heroin. Sweet heroin. Look, I can't even write I'm so fucking high. I'llâ¦
Dear Nobody,
Okay, that was last night. I'm not high now, but I was then (
DUH!
).
Dear Nobody,
Man, I'm losing my tan. I used to be REALLY tan until I started sleeping all day and only going out at night. Maybe I should start going to bed earlier so I can get up and go out in the sun? Well, we'll see.
WERNERSVILLE, PALATE SUMMER, 1997
