Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish

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For my parents, who had the good sense to give birth to me in England, where the sense of humor is far more ridiculous than anywhere else in the world.

For Penguins all over the world. ♥

And for my cat, Mr. Bojangles, who inspired and urged me to write the story in the first place.

May he rest in peace.

The gentleman stepped up to the podium and straightened his tie. He looked out at the several hundred students whose eyes all rested upon the gentleman's athletic build. An athletic build he was quite proud of, at that. He was a renowned gentleman, scholar, professional assumptionist and part-time religious expert. His theories and social experiments were famous the world over, and as a result, he was invited to the best parties and most prestigious events. He was happy. New theories were getting harder to come up with, and it had been at least a year and a half since his last lecture at Oxford University, but here he stood, once again on the brink of high expectations, with not one but three new theories to present.

The students were honored to have him as a guest speaker, and the other professors had waited for this lecture for several months, many of them having abandoned their families, moved across the country, and re-shuffled their schedules to make time to listen to what was expected to be a world-shaking lecture. Members of the national and international press arrived two hours earlier to get the pre-lecture buzz from the students and faculty. Things like
profoundly excited
and
would trade my left testicle to see that man speak
were uttered.

The auditorium sat in silence, poised on the edge of their seats, notebooks at the ready, recording devices fully loaded, their studious brains humming, fully prepared to be inspired.

The gentleman shuffled his notes and got right to the point.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I realize that I need no introduction and so, I will get right to the point."

Several students quickly wrote that down in case there was some hidden meaning to be uncovered later.

"Today, I have three new theories for you and they will be presented here for the first time."

Thunderous applause roared throughout the auditorium. Several people lucky enough to get a seat stood up and applauded harder.

The gentleman breathed in his last breath of true success.

"My first is a modern proposal of sorts; at first glance it may seem absurd, but as we all know, first impressions can be deceiving."

A few respectful chuckles arose from the audience.

"I believe that this modern proposal will benefit the world if taken seriously and pondered to the utmost." The gentleman cleared his throat, shuffled his papers once more, and launched into it with hasty abandon. "I present to you A Proposal for Global Public Nudity!"

When expectations had been so high that people reorganized their entire lives in the fond hope that their anticipations would be more than met, it came as quite a disappointment when not only were those not met. But instead, those expectations were drugged, tied, gagged, placed in a bag, driven out to the middle of God knows where, and buried in a twenty-foot-deep hole which was then covered with concrete.

Almost everyone in the room stopped breathing, and only a few people remembered to blink.

The gentleman mistook the looks of shock and awe as surprise and delight and continued enthusiastically.

"Firstly, designer labels and fashion have ruled our lives for long enough. The re-introduction of the tube-top should have been a clear signal that the industry can now manipulate us to wear whatever they feel is necessary for daily living. And furthermore, can charge whatever ludicrous prices they deem suitable. How many girls have come home from school crying because their best friend has the new designer label? It is a ploy. A well-thought-out ploy to separate us from our hard-earned wage. If we instigate global nudity, then the war over who is cool and who is not according to fashion becomes obsolete. No one needs to buy
skin
. We are all born with it; it's waterproof, durable, and available in a wide range of colours."

No one wrote anything down; everyone had enough trouble concentrating as the once renowned gentleman on stage quickly and carefully fed his career to the sharks.

"How many people hide their true self and figure behind the many shades of fabric that hang in the millions of department stores around the world? Like the army, that is mere camouflage. Fat people pretend to be thin. Females with a self-perception of less-than-adequate bosoms dress themselves up to appear a little more well-endowed than they actually are. Thin, ugly, small, repellent males are simply handed the ability to cover their true selves with designer shoes, shirts, pants, and so on, only to be later discovered by some poor unsuspecting female, or male, that he is less than he appears. The inhibitions that have clouded the minds of the general populace for so long would be stripped down to reveal the truth, and only the truth.

"What follows is a short list of some of the absolute advantages of Global Public Nudity.

"Parents will no longer have to endure the hassle of teaching their children the delicate art of tying their shoelaces. There will be no shoelaces to tie.

"Breastfeeding will become a communally shared experience, much like asking for directions or helping an elderly lady across the busy street. There will always be a wide number of
portable milk outlets
available, especially in busy places like malls or Starbucks.

"Global public nudity holds a great deal of advantages for men, also. No longer will a suffering male have to wait for a celibate fiancée to display the goods.
Playboy
will become a thing of the past, therefore cutting down on the clutter of magazines that shroud the bathrooms of many homes.

"The ever-present zipper problem will be abolished, as there will no longer be a vicious cutting device hanging around the groin section of the male body. But the greatest advantage to males will be the decrease in time that taken for women to get ready for work, a date, dinner, a movie, etc., etc.

"There will be a sharp decrease in the amount of emotional stress caused by elderly people exposing themselves in public places. The act of exposing oneself will no longer be an issue, as everyone will be totally stark naked.

"In conclusion, I realize that some of these points may initially appear as nothing more than barefaced cheek, an insult to society. But I assure you, these points are logical and viable and would instantly solve many of the problems that plague the world as we know it today. So I propose that we
strip
away our inhibitions and bare to the world our true selves," he finished with a flourish.

There was no applause, no standing ovation. If the university had allowed crickets to be present at the lecture, they would have been the only sound heard.

The gentleman mistook the looks of pity and disappointment as eager interest and spellbound curiosity, and so he quickly launched into his second theory, which involved aliens not only building the pyramids, but also inventing the mango chutney-curried chicken-mayo-dried cranberry sandwich. He managed to get through the majority of the theory before the Oxford security guards intervened. The mango chutney-curried chicken-mayo-dried cranberry sandwich theory was the last nail in the coffin of his career. As the security guards dragged the gentleman off stage, his last words were, "No, wait, I also have a theory about the devil, the dead not dying, Santa Claus, his elves, and a penguin!"

But no one heard him. They were all too busy laughing.

In many ways, he was wrong. Global public nudity would be amusing, somewhat entertaining, and probably really disgusting, not to mention completely absurd. Aliens did not build the pyramids. Slaves built the pyramids while under the overpowering influence of large men holding even larger whips. But on certain points he was absolutely correct. Had anyone bothered to listen to his theory about the devil, the dead not dying, Santa Claus, his elves, and a penguin, they would have eventually found out that he was right on the money.

There were deals, and then there were deals. And this was a deal. The signature sat, burning comfortably, on the dotted line. Then, while the Prince of Darkness gleefully packed his clothes, the document was on its way to the administration office via the Underworld Postal System for filing. He didn't really like the demons in the administration office; they were low even by his standards.

Decisions, decisions
.
Whether to take the blue underwear or the orange?

It had been so long since he'd been allowed to get away from it all and really commit to some good old-fashioned deceiving. And to walk on the Earth again, that would be truly fabulous. The last time he’d possessed a body must have been at least three thousand years ago. Reflectively, though, he really hadn't had the best of luck with possessing people.

He shuddered as he packed his knitted doilies and remembered the whole Adam and Eve fiasco. That had been his first real possession. He’d been aiming for Eve but missed by a few feet and ended up in that stupid snake. He'd had to slither round for a good few hours before he got the hang of how to move, and then had to deal with the constant compulsion to eat eggs. It almost wasn't worth the hassle. Everything turned out okay in the end, introducing sin to the Earth and all, but he'd found the whole episode a rather trying ordeal.

No matter how many times he steeped in a bubble bath, it still took him weeks to shake that slimy, scaly feeling.

The Devil looked in a mirror and stared at the grim, distorted figure before him.
Sad
.
I really have to start getting more sleep
. Maybe he'd take up a relaxation program when he got back from the Earth, something to improve his quality of life. Tai Chi: that's what he'd do. He'd go down to the dungeons and find some ancient Chinese souls who could teach him Tai Chi. After he'd tortured them for a while.