Deep Surrendering: Episode Four (5 page)

“Did you buy these in bulk?” I asked as I filled it with water and put it next to the other two. My small apartment was starting to look like an English garden.

“Maybe.”

He embraced me and gave me a quick kiss. Too quick.

“Everything okay? That was kind of weird with your dad. Way to go for thinking on your feet and doing the fake name thing.”

He stepped back and leaned on the counter.

“I thought it was for the best. And yes, it was weird, but it’s fine. No permanent harm done.” His smile was brief and unconvincing. “So, what are we doing, Mari Cherry?”

“That is for me to know and you to pester me about. Ready?” I’d worn a casual outfit this time, since we’d be doing some walking.

“If you are, then yes.” He took my hand and we walked down to his car.

“Where to?”

“The park,” I said with a smile as I peeked at the loaf of bread I’d stuffed into my largest purse.

“Now, you should know that this an activity I do exclusively alone. I don’t even think Chloe knows that I do this. This is where I come when I’m upset, or depressed, or when a certain boy is being mean to me.”

Fin raised his hand.

“I’m going to take a shot in the dark and guess that I’m the boy to which you’re referring.”

“You might be,” I said as we walked toward the pond, pulling out the loaf of bread. I handed him a piece and we sat together on one of the benches. It was another lazy summer night, everyone moving slowly in the warm air.

“Now we wait.”

He stared down at the bread as if he’d never seen it before. “For what?”

“Haven’t you ever fed ducks in the park?”

He shook his head.

“Not even when you were a kid?”

“Definitely not. The only times I’ve ever come to the park were after I left my parents’ house. And most of them have been with you.”

I pulled out a slice of bread and started picking it apart, rolling the bits into little balls with my fingers. Fin did the same.

“My parents didn’t take me to the park much either. I usually went with whatever babysitter or nanny they’d hired. But my grandmother used to let me run around her yard. She even had a swing set installed, just for me.” Compared to Fin, my childhood seemed magical.

Fin’s shoulders slumped a little, and he leaned forward and gazed out at the pond.

“I’m sorry. I’m not trying to rub it in your face.”

“No, no. Don’t worry about it. Not your fault. I guess I’m still a little bitter.” He chucked one of the little bits of bread out into the middle of the pond. I still hadn’t seen the ducks, and I was starting to wonder if they were coming at all.

“Why wouldn’t you be? The things that happen to us when we’re young, you carry them with you for the rest of your life. You can say that your past is your past all you want, but the scars stay with you.” It was one of the reasons why I didn’t get along with my parents. There was too much history. And even if they completely changed and were lovely people who accepted me and my choices and supported them, it would still take a lot for me to get past the past.

“Yes. They do.” Our date had taken a grim turn and I wanted to rectify that, but Fin did it for me.

“There they are,” he said, pointing to the little duck family across the pond. We started chucking our little bread pieces at them and they came, quacking away.

I started laughing and Fin joined me.

“See? Doing this always makes me feel better. You can’t be sad when you’re feeding ducks.”

“No, you really can’t. Yet another one of your distractions?”

I handed him another slice of bread. “Sometimes it’s okay to be distracted. Give yourself a break.”

“I’m not sure I know how.”

I wrapped my arm around his and put my head on his shoulder. “We’re doing it right now. See how easy this is?”

Turning his head away from the ducks, he gazed at me. “With you it’s easy.”

The second part of my date took place at one of my favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurants. The salsa was guaranteed to burn your mouth, the burritos were enormous, and the margaritas came with lots of salt on the rim of the glass.

“I thought you didn’t like spicy food?” Fin said, wiping his eyes after I dared him to try the “Hot As Hades” salsa.

“No, I do. I just have to be in the right mood for it. And tonight I was definitely in the mood.” I chomped down on my chip and smiled at the pleasant burn on my tongue and throat. I’d tried the Hades salsa once and that was enough.

We ordered margaritas and tacos, and spent most of our time stuffing our faces and talking about nothing in particular.

“So, I have to ask you something,” I said, snatching the last chip out of the basket. Immediately, our server brought us more. Oh, she was getting a huge tip.

“Why do I have the feeling we’re about to talk about something I’d rather not talk about?” he asked, going for one of the chips and pulling his hand back. They were still hot from the fryer.

“Because you’re freakishly perceptive?”

He picked up a chip and blew on it before dipping it in the milder salsa.

“What do you want to ask me?”

“Why is your dad so scary? I mean, I’ve met him before, briefly, but he really freaked the shit out of me there.” I didn’t feel silly admitting it.

“It’s just the way he is. I never really knew children were supposed to love their parents. I don’t think he’s ever hugged me. He’s not exactly an emotional person. Except when he gets angry. He has no trouble expressing that.” A shudder went through me. “I guess I’m used to it by now.”

I didn’t think you’d ever get used to being around that.

“I mean, he didn’t
do
anything. He was just … there and I was flipping out.” Putting it into words made me feel less crazy.

“I’m sorry.”

That made me laugh. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose him as your dad.”

“No. I didn’t. We never get to choose our families.”

“Well, we sort of do. I mean, Chloe is my family. Rory and Sloane are my family. I got to choose them. They might not be my blood, but if something happens to me, they’re going to be the first ones to know about it. My Emergency Contact people.” It was true. I always listed Chloe on forms that needed an emergency contact. My parents were listed second.

Our tacos arrived and Fin seemed to escape deep into himself again. Oh, if only I could see the inner workings of that mind of his.

“I want you to stay tonight. I want to try again,” he said out of the blue.

“You do? Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

He sounded convincing.

“But I was thinking that we should stay at your place. I have too many memories and other hang-ups associated with my place.” That made complete sense.

“Sure. We can do that. But just remember that if you get uncomfortable, just say the word and we’ll stop.”

“I know.” He exhaled and picked up his taco.

“You’ve been wanting to get that off your chest, haven’t you?” I said, picking up my taco, turning my head to the side, and taking a bite.

“Yes,” he said, and bit into his taco. “I want to try and make it up to you since I failed so miserably last time. I can’t believe I let my head get in the way of being with you. I’ll try not to let it happen again.”

“I’ll remind you,” I said, and we dug into our tacos.

“Dessert was probably a bad idea,” I said as we stumbled to Fin’s Town Car. Carl, as always, waited patiently for us and hid his smirk as he held the door open. “And that third margarita didn’t help either.” Fortunately, neither of us had to drive or else I might have had some more restraint.

“You’re a bad influence,” he said, groaning. Good thing the pants I’d worn were a tiny bit loose on me because they fit now. Sex wasn’t happening anytime soon. Unless I could just lay there and let him do his thing.

“I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think we’re going to be, ah, doing much right now. That was poor planning on our part,” he said.

I moaned a little, agreeing with him. “But it was totally worth it. I’m falling into a food coma as we speak.” I leaned against him and curled my feet up on the seat.

“We brought you some tacos, Carl,” I said, stifling a yawn and holding up a takeout bag.

“That was very thoughtful, Miss Marisol,” he said, smiling at me.

“It was very thoughtful,” Fin said, stroking my hair. I liked that I was still allowed to touch him. That was probably going to change if we did go through with having sex. But maybe a change of scenery would help. At least all my stuff would be there.

“You ready?” Fin said, putting his hand under my chin and tilting my face up.

“Yeah. I’m ready.”

Fin held my hand again as we rode the elevator up to my apartment. He trembled just a tiny bit, and I gave him a reassuring squeeze, hoping against hope that this time would be different than the last.

“Doing okay?” I asked.

“Yes. Fine.” Almost convincing.

I unlocked the door, set my bag down, and slipped my shoes off. The sweet scent of fresh lilacs greeted me, and I was glad we’d come back here.

“Do you want to watch a movie or something?” I wasn’t going to suggest Scrabble again. Maybe later, when our stomachs weren’t so full.

“Sure. You can pick.”

“So that means I can pick the sappiest, girliest movie and you won’t say a word about it?” I wouldn’t, but I was curious to know his reaction.

“Maybe. Depends on the movie.” I went to the cabinet where I kept my movies and scanned through. I had a good idea of what I wanted to choose, but sometimes I found movies I forgot I owned.

“So you’d be absolutely fine with watching
Dirty Dancing
?” I held up the box and waved it back and forth.

“Are you kidding? I love Patrick Swayze. That man could dance.”

True story. But I put the box back and picked another.

“How about
Amelie
? It’s in French, so you have to read the subtitles, but it’s such a cute movie. Or if you want to go the more intense movie route, I’ve got
Cider House Rules
. I’ve also got
Pushing Daisies
,
Law & Order,
and
The Tudors
on DVD. So really, there’s a lot of variety.”