Defying Destiny (Forsaken Sinners MC Series Book 3) (5 page)

I still feel like it wasn’t actually me that did all of those things—even though I know it was and I’m fucking happy that I did, don’t get me wrong. But from the moment I found out about my dad’s death, it was like I was no longer me, I was no longer Holden. And I suppose that’s the truth in a sense. Holden died the same night my father did, and in his is place Louie was born. I may not be what others think of as righteous or even good man, but I know deep down in my black soul that my father is looking down on me and is proud of the man I’ve become. And I’m happy with the man I’m become…mostly.

Pulling up outside of Sinners Ink, I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel free. There are still things missing and things that piss me off, but I feel good.

I park my bike and take my key out to unlock the door, but as I get ready to insert it, I see someone inside, sitting at the front desk. What the fuck?

Pulling my pistol out from behind my back, I quietly open the door. Once I’m inside, I point my gun at the intruder, then close and lock the door behind me. The noise alerts the guy to my presence, but there’s nowhere for him to go. He’s a fucking dead man.

“Who the fuck are you and what are you doing here?” I ask in a voice that leaves no room for questions.

He doesn’t try to move or answer me. Losing all patience, I walk closer. The motherfucker better start talking soon before I just decide to shoot him instead of giving him a chance to explain himself.

I make it halfway across the room before the guy finally snaps out of it and tries to get up and flee. I take two quick steps to cut him off, but he just as quickly turns to move the other way. I reach out and wrap my arm around his throat and hold the gun to his head. Being this close to him, I notice how small he is. He’s just a fucking kid!

“I’m only gonna ask you one more time. Kid or not, I’ll put a fucking bullet in you. Who the fuck are you and what do you want?” I growl.

I don’t expect the answer I get. “It’s me, Louie.” I’m so shocked that I instantly drop my arms and step back.

It can’t be
.

I must be fucking hallucinating, but then she turns around and I can see her face. Either both my eyes and ears are deceiving me, or it’s really her.

“Harlow?”

Chapter 4

Harlow

Being back in this shop and staring at Louie again after two years away has me thinking two different things at the same time—why the fuck did I come back and why the fuck didn’t I come back sooner? They are both playing front and center in my mind and I have no idea which one will win in the end. Was it a mistake to be gone this long or was it a mistake to come back?

For the past two years, I have been drifting. I’ve been nowhere and everywhere at the same time and I’m so fucking tired. Tired of running, tired of the pain, tired of the anger, but mostly, I think I’m tired of being lonely. But at the same time, I’m not ready to let anyone else in, either. Letting people in only opens the door to more pain.

I honestly don’t even know why I came back. Though I guess when I really think about where I’ve been, it’s like my subconscious always knew where I’d end up. It’s like it has been driving me here from the very start—starting in North Carolina, heading down to Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nevada, and now California. I’ve actually only been about two hours away from here for the past few months. I knew it, but I guess I just wasn’t ready to face what I left behind. I’m still not, so what the fuck am I doing?

“Harlow? Is that you?” Louie asks in disbelief, like he can’t even fathom that I’d come back, like he doesn’t think I belong here.

“No, it’s the fucking tooth fairy,” I say, deadpan.

Fuck, why did I think coming back here would be a good idea? Oh wait, I didn’t. No, that was my fucked up brain telling me to come here, and for what? To be questioned and judged? I don’t think so.

Turning around on my heel, I head for the door, but only make it a few steps before Louie grabs me by the arm. It’s tight enough that I can feel just a small bite of pain, but it’s not bruising.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going, huh?” Louie growls angrily.

I turn around sharply while ripping my arm free at the same time. “I’m leaving. What does it look like I’m doing?”

“You’re not going any-fucking-where!” he roars.

Before I can respond, I hear the bell over the shop door ring. Louie and I both turn around to and see Dani standing there, staring at us both in shock.

After a few silent moments, she whispers in disbelief, “Harlow?”

Not again. Ugh, is it really that big of a shocker that I’m here? I mean, really! So what if I’ve been gone for two years without calling or even so much as writing? That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t ever planning on coming back. Well, that might be a half-lie.

When she realizes I’m not going to answer her, or maybe she didn’t want me to answer anyway, Dani rushes toward me and takes me in her arms in a tight hug.

“Oh my God. Harlow! I’ve missed you so much. Where have you been? When did you get back? Are you okay?” she fires question after question. If it were any other situation, I would laugh at the comical look on her face and the way her eyes are almost popping out of her head.

Letting out a deep breath, I reply, “I just got into town about a half hour ago. I still had my key from when I worked here, so I thought I’d stop by to say hi before I left town again. But if I would have known dumbass over there was going to manhandle me, I wouldn’t have even bothered.” I sneer toward Louie.

“The fuck you say?” Louie bristles.

“Are you deaf or just stupid? I said I stopped by—” but I don’t get anything else out before Louie interrupts me.

“I heard what you said the first time. But you are sadly fucking mistaken if you think you’re leaving,” he says in a voice that should warn me against arguing further, but what can I say? I have no filter and my give-a-damn button is broken.

“So stupid it is then. Well, Mr. You’re Not Going Anywhere, I’ve got news for you. Last time I checked, you ain’t my daddy and you ain’t my old man, so I don’t know where you come off thinking you can tell me what to do, but you’re dead wrong.”

Louie closes the few steps that separate us and is in my face before I can even blink. “I dare you to say that again. Go on, Low, say it. Tell me again I’m not your daddy ’cause I’d love to put you across my knee and tan your ass.”

Having him this close to me again after all this time has my heart beating so loud I’d be surprised if he couldn’t hear it. Needing some space I try to back away, but for every step I take backwards he takes one forward.

Dani, bless her fucking heart, must sense that I’m almost to my breaking point with Louie, because she steps forward and pulls his attention off of me and onto her. “Zane is outside getting the kids out of the truck. Go out and help him for me.”

I almost don’t catch it when she says
kids
. What the fuck does she mean, kids? I know when I left she was pregnant, but did they have another baby while I was gone?

I’m suddenly overwhelmed with sadness thinking about it. Dani and I were becoming really good friends, like sisters almost, before I left. Feeling the gap between us now makes it seem like I’m staring across at her and all her perfection and happiness from the other side of the Grand fucking Canyon.

Louie doesn’t take his eyes off of me, but he does take a step back. Thank God!

Then, after a few tense moments of our stare off, he finally turns toward Dani. “Yeah, sis, I’ll go help with the rugrats,” he says before looking back and pointing at me. “But we ain’t done here and you ain’t leaving.” He doesn’t give me any time to comment before he’s out of the shop within seconds.

“Damn, girl, I thought you had his panties in a twist before you left, or fuck, even
after
you left he was a mess. But now. Shit, girl, he’s off the rocker completely.” She ends on a laugh, but I don’t see how she can think this is funny. I’m feeling completely fucked up the ass where Louie is concerned.

There’s no time for me to even come up with a response to what Dani just said before the door to the shop opens and two small children come barreling into the shop. Louie isn’t far behind—chasing them, playfully yelling at them, picking them up and tickling them. The children, who I can tell just by their looks belong to Dani and Blaze, are laughing and loving every minute of Louie’s attention. Watching him with these children almost softens me up enough to break out into a small smile, but it never comes.
You’re broken, remember? Broken girls can’t smile or feel happiness.

Coming in more leisurely behind Louie, is Blaze. He has a huge smile on his face watching his children playing around and laughing. Even though it’s been years since I last saw Blaze, I can notice a difference in him. He’s not as hard, it seems. Before, he was always scowling or seeming pissed off about something. Dani and he were fighting more often than not. But looking at him now, he looks younger, happier. It’s a good look on him.

Actually, come to think of it, Dani seems different as well. She seems to have had the same changes as Blaze; she doesn’t look as hard or pissed at the world all the time now. People say that having kids ages you, but she looks younger too, just like her man. She doesn’t seem like she’s got a shield up anymore, as if she’s waiting for something bad to happen. I’m glad she’s happy and things seem to be going good for her now. If anyone deserves happiness, it’s Dani. She’s been through hell. It’s about time she’s got her piece of heaven. I just wish I could have a little slice as well. Too bad that will never happen.

Louie has changed since I last saw him too, though not the same ways as Dani and Blaze. He’s harder and more guarded than he was before, which is saying something. Louie was always rough around the edges, and had this hardness that seemed almost demonic at times. But now…now there is only anger inside him. His shoulders are stiff and he has this coldness in his eyes. I don’t know if this is just the way he is now, or if it’s because of me, but going by what Dani said just a few moments ago, this is how it’s been for a while now. Since I left. Too bad I can’t find it in myself to care. Not as much as I probably should, anyway.

“Well, Harlow and I have a lot to catch up on. We’ll be in my office,” Dani says as she grabs my arm and hauls me off behind her. I catch a warning look from Louie, but I’m not really sure what he’s warning me about. Not to leave again? Well, he can kiss my ass. I’ll leave if I want to, but I do really want to catch up with Dani, at least on her life since I’ve left. I don’t want to get into anything that I’ve been doing since then. I don’t want to talk about the pain. The anger. Where I’ve been all this time.

Once we’re in her office, she sits right down and waits till I’m sitting before she starts right in with telling me about what I’ve missed. Everything from her pregnancy, the birth, milestones from her kids, things about her and Blaze, and how Toby is now married. That is actually a little hard for me to believe. I mean, I knew Dani was pregnant when I left, so her telling me about that isn’t much of a surprise, although her having twins caught me a little off guard. But Toby married? Never thought that would happen.

After she’s done filling me in on all I missed, she sits there and just stares at me, probably waiting for me to tell her about me and what I’ve been up to. When I don’t say anything for a few minutes, Dani sighs.

“I won’t make you tell me where you were or why you haven’t called or anything in two years. I won’t ask what happened, but I will ask this. Are you leaving again or are you going to stick around?” Dani says.

It shouldn’t surprise me how forward she is, but it does. I’ve been away from Dani way too long and need to work back into the fact that she’s not afraid to say what she thinks. Though I am happy she isn’t going to push me, I have no idea how to answer her one question. Am I sticking around?

Dani must see my indecision, because she asks, “Why
did
you come back, Low? I mean, it’s not like I’m unhappy about it, but you seem like you want to run out of here right this second and never look back. So it just makes me wonder…why come back in the first place?”

And that, my friends, is the question of the hour. Why come back? Knowing I owe her something, I decide to just tell her the truth.

“I honestly have no idea why I’m back, Dani. I don’t even know if I made the conscious decision to make my way back here, it just sort of happened,” I whisper, feeling more confused now than ever.

I figured I would come back at some point in time after I left, but once I got where I was going and found out what called me back home, I just sort of lost myself and everything I once thought was just thrown in the trash. I no longer cared about anything, even myself. I became a drifter, going from one town to the next, just trying to stay afloat as much as possible.

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Dani. I know deep down this is where I belong, this is my home, but at the same time, it’s like there’s this voice inside my head telling me that I should run and never looks back.” I don’t even realize I’ve said those words out loud until I feel Dani sit beside me and pull me into a hug.

“This
is
your home, Harlow, and you
do
belong here. I don’t know what happened, but I’m here for you. We’re
all
here for you,” she says as she holds me, rocking me back and I start to feel angry again. Angry at her and this perfect life she has. Angry that she thinks this is my home and they are there for me. But I don’t need them. None of them.

***

It’s been two weeks since I’ve been back and every day is worse than the last. I feel like I’m a caged animal, like my skin is itching and I can’t shake it. No matter where I’m at, who is with me, I feel alone and crowded at the same time. I can’t stand it! I just want to call a cab and get the fuck outta Dodge, but somehow Dani convinced me to stay. At least for a little while.

I’ve been staying in the apartment above the shop again, but it no longer feels like home. It feels like a prison cell.

Everyone has been good to me since I’ve been back—too good. Dani seems to pick our friendship up where we left it before my life was shattered. Louie has tried to pick our friendship up, but there’s this hidden anger toward me with him too. Blaze barely notices me, but that’s nothing new. Toby is too consumed with his new wife, who seems shy and unsure around me, not like I blame her. I can tell that Sara and I would have been good friends if I would have met her before I got the life changing news and left. She’s quiet, but she also has this inner fire to her. Kind of like Dani did, but it’s not as subtle or as intense as Dani’s. And Mack and the other guys in the club have tried to talk to me, ask how I’m doing, and include me in things, but it seems forced. Or maybe it’s me that is feeling forced.

It’s so strange. Deep down, I know I care about these people. But since I’ve been back, I feel this deep-seated hatred and jealousy toward them. They have everything I want but don’t have. And will
never
have. Sure, they say they love me and that I’m their family, but I’m not. My family, my blood family, is gone. I have nothing and no one. I have me, that’s it. And sometimes, I don’t even feel like I have that. It’s fucked up and the joke’s on me.