Delecto - Games of Mastery (part 1) (14 page)

Oh God, how I
want that man... Fuck, I am so sick...

I closed my
eyes, forcing back the tears. I cried inside as Calvin made love to
me, softly and tenderly, murmuring sweet words to me... and all the
while, I couldn't stop myself...I was imagining looking into other
eyes. Green eyes that made me burn. Kissing those lips and seeing
his wicked smile above me. Hearing those delicious dirty words he
offered so freely, and feeling the flames of passion lick around
us, rising higher and higher and consuming us in a blaze as we flew
somewhere unspeakably wonderful... somewhere I had never been
before.

He was the one
I wanted, with a hunger I never knew existed before this day. I'd
tried to deny our instant attraction, to dampen our chemistry, to
push him away, but all that had only served to make me want him
more. Our connection was so powerful and I wanted all of it. I
wanted him to show me everything he knew; to teach and master me;
to free me and to enslave me with his mind and body. I wanted to be
molded, by his hands and body, into someone different and brand
new.

My need was so
strong it shocked me.

He'd set me on
fire.

Sebastian...

His name roared
through my head like a drug of passion. I was addicted, after one
little afternoon. He had lit my inner torch so brightly, I didn't
think I could ever put the flame out.

In a dream, I
was aware of Calvin coming, his semen pumping like a warm font
inside me, his harsh breath and his mouth on my neck, he was high
on me, his mind in the throes of a very emotionally charged climax.
I could do no more than stroke him and kiss him, to hug him
tightly, to breathe into his neck, my eyes squeezed shut,
pretending I was enjoying it too and hiding my feelings of deep
inner sadness.

He groaned his
release, and collapsed heavily on me, emotionally and physically
spent.

And I am now
very aware of our lack of contraception.

He lifted his
head and his blue eyes were wet with tears of joy and
happiness.

“
I'm up
in heaven, pure heaven, why the hell has it taken us so long to get
together? Baby, all I've ever wanted is you.”

I was
destroyed. Soulless, empty and dead inside. But it was no more than
I deserved
. I lost all rights to feel
alive and happy twelve months ago.

I watched her
retreat. I was praying that she turned, and ran back to me; her
hair swinging and bouncing around her bare shoulders; her eyes
ready to gaze into mine all night long; her body, warm and soft and
willing to give something to me. But what I saw instead was the
taxi reversing and leaving me alone, in mad frustration, and
completely wretched.

I'm bereft of
her touch and her presence.

A sexual rage
enveloped me.

She's gone.
Fuck it. She's actually gone, knowing she is leaving me like this?
The bitch.

I stormed back
inside and slammed the door so hard I felt the stone wall tremor
with the impact.

“
Fuck her, FUCK HER TO HELL.
”

I swore again
and again, so loudly I was sure Bertrand would hear it. Not that I
cared. He would never come in here, even if he did hear me
screaming like a banshee. It was our rule. Nothing but the fire
alarm would prompt his intrusion in my private life with women.

I kicked the
wall, marking the pale paintwork. My head was full of bad thoughts,
I was blind, consumed with the red mist of deeply aroused and
passionate anger. I stormed into the dining room and selected a
bottle of brandy from the drinks cabinet. I'd already drunk enough
today, but my God, I needed this. I swilled down a large mouthful
and then another. My nose stung with the fumes and my throat
protested at the large quantity of acrid taste it was made to
endure. Perhaps I could drink myself to death? I wondered how long
it would take. Probably not that long with my large capacity to
consume. I opened the back doors and walked slowly across the
terrace, drinking another mouthful as I descended the steps to the
lawn. I made my way around the rose garden in the moonlight. Their
scent soothed my frustrated mind but aroused me in other more
complex ways. I clutched at a rose bud, enjoying the feel but
needing to crush it in frustration. All the time I was swearing
silently to myself. A stream of heated abuse. Directed at her. The
cause of my new and very intense pain.

How could
anyone get to me as fast as she had? Had she slipped me a drug at
some point? A mind altering substance that made me so desperate for
her I was almost insane with desire and need?

I baulked at
the concept of jerking myself off tonight. But I was beyond the
beyond... I'd never sleep otherwise. I resented that. No woman made
me do that. If I was that desperate for sex, I'd call someone in
and pay her for her services.. And I'd done that a fair few times.
But tonight I didn't want anyone else to touch me. Only her. I
wanted her. To watch that sweet ecstasy bloom on her face, her eyes
roll with pleasure. To feel her, so wet and warm around my fingers.
To have that perfect mouth on me, sucking until my mind exploded
into a galaxy of stars.

I was
livid that I started that whole affair without the time to finish
it properly. But more than that I was shocked at her reaction. She
looked at me like I was shit on her shoe. I wouldn't allow her to
do that again. She was a real life ice queen, with a scorching
center and she'd burned my fingers with all that heat inside her. I
was going to melt her icy exterior, set the steam free, and then,
when she was burning for me like the sun going super nova, and
begging at my feet for more of me, I'd close my door to her. That'd
give
her
something nice to
think about for a while. Unrequited passion. It would be worth the
pain I felt, to know she felt worse.

I never
realized I had such an evil streak in me.

But then, I'd
never met anyone like her before. Someone who tested me like she
did. I resented her sudden hold on me.

She was
tantalizing. All woman, but with an innocent side that I found so
appealing. I wanted to corrupt her. To show her her true self.

I wanted to
play her like I played my piano, with an expert hand. To master
her, the way I liked to master women, and to make her submit,
verbally and physically. It was something deeply entrenched in my
psyche. The need to possess, dominate and enslave. Not in the
traditional sense. I wasn't into bondage or sadism. No, I was much
more subtle than whips and cuffs.

I played games.
Games of control, games of mastery... and they were so very
powerful.

Control was an
escape for me. A place where I could make things happen my way.
Where accidents and fate had no place.

Where I was
master of all I surveyed.

I stopped
staring blankly, self analyzing and brought myself back to the
present.

What was she
doing now? What was she thinking?

I hoped she was
suffering like I was. I knew I'd got to her, and very deeply, she
was in shock and denial...

I wish I could
stop thinking about her.

But I couldn't.
Every thought occupying my mind turned to one of her, no matter
what I thought of.

Sebastian,
stop this...

But could I?
No. My mind rambled on along one track.

I wasn't
surprised she couldn't believe she'd done that with me. Neither
could I. How it happened I had no idea. One minute she was about to
leave, the taxi was coming, and that was that. I'd accepted that
fact. And then, the next second, we were glued together, with not a
hair's breadth between us. I had all that female perfection in my
arms. The way she felt and responded to me was out of this world. I
pressed her button and she was switched on like an electric current
to a light. She was achingly wonderful. Luminous, sensitive, wild
in my hands, goddamn fucking hot.

But I'd needed
so much more than just holding her like that.

I lay down on
the damp grass and gazed upward at the stars in the sky. I tried to
find an answer above me. Some inner peace; the road to calm? But I
didn't see anything but a random jumble of points of light. A
smattering of chaos. The whole universe was chaos, the galaxy was
chaos, the earth was chaos, how could we be expected to be
disciplined and calm in the midst of all that? What did it matter
anyway? What did anything matter?

I rolled up and
sat on my haunches, my thighs taking the strain of my weight. I
flung the bottle of brandy away, into the dark somewhere, and heard
it land with a satisfying thump and a liquid glug on the soil. One
of my roses was going to get a shocking root soaking.

I didn't want a
chemical prop. I wasn't going to become dependent on drink. Getting
out of bed shaking and desperate for a shot at eight in the morning
and permanently trashed all day. That was where I was heading. In
fact I was surprised I wasn't at that point already. No more
hitting the booze when things got hard.

I needed some
intense exercise. A workout to exhaust and soothe my cares away. An
endorphin high. A natural high. That was far more worthy of my
time.

I stood up and
made my way back inside, through to the hall and up the stairs at a
run, three at a time. I opened the door to my exercise suite. I
smiled to myself as I surveyed the scene. It might look like a
torture chamber in here but this was one of the places I enjoyed
being in. I slipped out of my clothes, down to my underwear.

I lay on the
reclined crunch bench, hooked my insteps under the footrests and
placed my hands behind my head. My body rolled up and down, up and
down, my abdominals barely registering the effort. Two hundred of
these to warm up and then the really hard stuff would begin.
Breaking through my pain barriers. This was what I needed. Honest
exercise. Some heavy reps, a hot shower, an icy cold drink of plain
old water and a long, long sleep.

Not drink, and
not her.

Who the hell
was she anyway? How did she control me so quickly? Never again will
she do that. She will not be anyone to me. I can't allow it.

A empty
coldness had settled in my heart.

I smoothed the
cold sheet where he'd slept, close by, at my side. I smoothed it
until I'd removed all trace of his presence. My face was wet with
tears and they continued to spill down my cheeks to the soaked
pillow below.

How long
had I been lying the
re since he left? One hour? Two?
Surely my tears must all be spent?

He'd awoken me,
surprising me with a long and lingering kiss.

“
Morning,
gorgeous.”

Before I could
reply, he'd rolled on top of me and almost immediately started to
make love to me again. His tongue lapped at my neck and his hand
caressed my bare breast.

Once was
enough. I couldn't do that again. It was too hard and so unfair on
me and even more so on him.

I'd pushed him
off me, gently and edged out of his embrace, turning on my side to
face him.

“
What's
the matter, baby?” he whispered.

I'd had to face
it, to tell him, even though it was a terrible thing to do. I
steeled myself and forced some words out.

“
I really
am so sorry, but I can't, Calvin.”

He'd laughed in
disbelief, thinking I was joking, until my deadly serious
expression sunk in properly.

“
Why the
hell not?” His face fraught with anxiety.

I'd tried to
think of other ways to explain myself, but couldn't. I'd gathered
my courage and spat it out.

“
I don't
love you that way.”

The words had
sounded so cold, and so harsh as they hung in the air.

He'd laughed
again. A shocked, nervous kind of laugh. Then he'd touched my face,
softly stroking my cheek. My continuing cool demeanor told him all
he needed to know. His face grew pained and deadly serious in
response.

“
But
Mandy, you loved me last night.”

“
No I
didn't. Last nice was nice. But it won't happen again.”

“
Nice?
Fucking nice?
It
was way more than nice,” he scraped his hands through his hair
making it stand on end. He puffed out a noisy breath, slowly. I
didn't know what to say. He leaned over me and gently caressed my
face with his fingertips. His eyes were soft and full of love. My
heart ached for him. And for us. “Look, I know why you're doing
this. It's Abi, isn't it? She can't ever date, have sex or have a
relationship, so neither can you, or so you think. But you don't
have to act the martyr. You are not paralyzed yourself. You have a
life to lead. How many times have we had this discussion. I'll say
it again, very slowly, so you understand... it... wasn't... your...
fault. None of it. It was fate and fate alone, Mandy. You have a
misplaced guilt complex. So you see, you
can
let yourself love me and you
can
most definitely have a
relationship with me - there's no reason why we can't be together.
Why deny yourself this? We love each other for crissakes. Stop
being ridiculous, please!”

“
I'm not
being ridiculous,” I'd replied, trying to keep calm. “And it's got
nothing to do with Abi... I don't love you that way, Calvin... I
really am so very, very sorry.” I choked over the words and my
heart was brutally savaged at the look of angry misery which had
now arrived on his face.

“
Now
you're making me
really
fucking angry. But that's your plan isn't it. To punish
yourself through me.
I don't understand
you at all, for fuck's sake...
” he ground
out.