Delphi Complete Works of the Brontes Charlotte, Emily, Anne Brontë (Illustrated) (439 page)

Such as they were, the children of grace were admitted to the breakfast room, and saw first what made their fasting bowels yearn — a large table covered with the reliquae of a sportsmans morning meal — and next five very unevangelical ‘professors’ seated over “Fireballs” each consisting of a wine glass of brandy with the yolk of an egg dropped into it; but the object of their attraction stood before them on the hearth rug — a very tall divine looking saint, with eyes distorted almost to a squint — a mouth that changed its play each moment from wrapt solemnity to malicious drollery, and a pair of orange whiskers horribly out of harmony with the holy sable of his scrupulously neat attire.

As the trio kept each man his mouth open it followed that, physiologically considered, they could not speak — so Mr Percy began with a voice whose sonorous and noble tone gave them delightful anticipations of the effect of ensuing speeches in the Chapel —

“My Christian friends — Welcome in
His
name — come forward — Do your bodies need refreshment?”

“Why Sir, Why, no — That is we have hoped so much from an early exhibition of what
He
can do, that — in short Sir we thought breakfast beneath notice.”

“Refuse not the gifts offered — You will doubtless use that decanter of brandy in your coffee, for your stomachs sake and your many infirmities — Allow me ere you assume your seats, to introduce my respected brother Montmorency — long a fellow labourer in foreign climes — Brother O’ Connor, a saved sinner — now a child of grace — If ever man had the root of the matter in him he has — (’Damn it’ — growled poor O’ Connor — sotto voce — ‘Its never shewn a sprout yet’) Brother Quashia Quamina — I might even say —
dearest
brother (Here the Moor, without being aware, took two fire balls one after the
 
other.) He is indeed a brand snatched from the burning”

O Connor had here nearly spoiled the play by suddenly vociferating “I’ll be blessed — only look at him — if he is not burnt already!” — but a withering scowl from Mr Percy silenced the Slavers Captain —

“Excuse Brother O’ Connor, my dear fellow laborours — He has put on the robe of godliness, but the old Adam now and then gives him a grip — Yet he is zealous my dear friends — he is zealous — My friends the native of the benighted land of Africa has been a chosen vessel for the evil one and after unheard of sins, brutalities, torturings — headings — hangings, roastings fleaings alive — burning man woman and child — crushing a thousand slaves into a one hundred ton slaver — in fact after having done all that Satan could do if let suddenly loose from Hell, He has become a burning and a shining light”

Here the three Wesleyans exchanged looks of exstatic delight — The idea of such heavenly converted sinners — of the thrilling experiences, the startling disclosures they would be able to give in the Chapel formed a prospect almost too rich; but poor Quamina so little understood his friends description of his character that nothing save Percys squinting glance prevented him from doffing his coat for a set-to on the spot.

“My beloved brother Mr Simpson” continued Percy “Is a
Banker
(Here the trio involuntarily rose to do homage) “but
He
holds his purse, and my brother only considers himself as a steward” (poor Jeremiah buttoned, at this part of the address, both breaches pockets) “My dear brother Gordon comes last — He has not been the
least
of sinners — Hell has had hard hard hold upon him but he has escaped with the skin of his teeth — I never knew so great a reprobate or have seen so great a change! Indeed my Christian friends all in this room whom I have introduced to you have been the very vilest of sinners — Every crime of which human nature can be guilty, they have committed — every evil thought which could enter mans heart has blackened theirs; They have been eaten up with the filthiest sores of the souls leprosy — (Here O’ Connor could hold no longer, but roared out ‘I’ve a skin as fair as yours!’) Excuse our brothers sailor like bluntness; it is only a little of the old leaven — there is not one of our dear brethren who ought not to be hung in chains long since — but thanks be to
Him
— they are now like lambs wool washed at the springs of Jordan!”

As ‘The viler the sinner, the greater the saint’ the three visitors looked up from plates filled a second time with the cold round — each giving a groan of intense satisfaction partly the result of a full heart and partly that of a full stomach. Mr Percy continued

“Brethren Providence hath given me a small endowment of carnal comforts — praised be
His
name — and I propose amid the sins and follies of this vanity fair, to devote my mite to the carrying out of the great work — So I shall request that you will allow me an open and lighted Chapel at
 
o’clock this evening, wherein a short missionary experience may be given you by my dear repentant bretheren, and myself who am lower than the most ignorant sucklings in grace. I beg to place in the hands of my reverend brother in the bonds a small matter of this earthly dross to aid in printing bills and lighting the tabernacle of
 
prayer.”

So saying Mr Percy meekly deposited ten sovereigns in the hand of the Rev S. Slugg who trembled with the excess of his gratitude and looked at his benefactors boots as if he thought his tongue would be benefited by becoming their shoe black.

“You will oblige me — brother — a — a — whats your name?”

Slugg — Slugg — my dearest Sir!”

“Well — by drawing up a small bill for this evenings meeting”

Mr Slugg was not long ere his pen was flying fast and furious over a half sheet of paper, and in due time his labours produced — with a little assistance from Mr Momtmorency — the following veracious handbill.

“SANCTIFICATION CHAPEL.
Ardmore.

At
 
o’clock in the Evening of this day there will be held a special extraordinary meeting of the Wesleyan Missionary Society wherein light will be given from lamps fed with the oil of the ten virgins! The horrors of Sin — the iniquities of Heathenism — the cruelties of the slave trade — will be fully exemplified in the experience of several soul saved Sinners sanctified unto Salvation!

Those beloved bretheren, once
lost and now restored — viz.

QUASHIA. QUAMINA.

Formerly a slave in Africa, then a slave driver — next a slave owner, and after wards a pirate captain —

ARTHUR. O’ CONNOR.

who declares that he has been nearer to the arm pits in black and white blood than any sinner that ever Gods vengeance neglected to kick to Hell —

GEORGE. GORDON.

who solemnly declares that if he fully gave his experience the roof would fly from the best built Lords House in England —

JEREMIAH SIMPSON ESQr’.

The great Banker who taketh for his motto “Freely thou hast recieved — freely give’.

HECTOR. M. M. MONTMORENCY.

A humble gleaner in the harvest of souls

AND

ALEXANDER. PERCY. ESQR. M.P. PERCY HALL.
ALNWICK HALL. ELRINGTON HOUSE. HANTS. AND
NORTHANGERLAND HOUSE.
LONDON.

Who will lend to the aid of the Society his invalauble religious attainments — his untiring energies, his unequalled eloquence and his unparalleled benevolence.

Silver will most thankfully be recieved in the galleries, and friends who desire front pews will be expected to deposit s — into the hands of the Treasurer,

Simon Slugg.

N. B. The Classes will be called to prayer after the collection, when it is expected that A. PERCY. ESQR. MP. will address them.”

“That will do” said Mr Percy as Hector with a ludicrous grin handed him the flattering expose of his companions former life and conversation — “Now my dear freinds in the sacred cause, let this production be distributed extensively throughout the town and; ’ere evening put on the whole armour of righteousness, so that I — even I — David may with a sling and a stone slay the Philistine — even the man of sin — the old man Adam. Good Morning my dear brethren.”

Thus, with a stately gesture, Mr Percy bowed his three confounded but triumphing visitors from the room — and then taking one other cup of Coffee dashed with brandy, he beckoned Hector to follow him and both departed either into another apartment, or on some confidential walk.

Those who remained behind, after a torrent of sighs and execrations, resigned themselves to stern fate, and swore that — black as they had been described, they would see the fun out though their usage was scurvy enough to turn a tortoise into a tiger.

“What shall we do — for I can only say ‘unaccustomed as I am to public speaking’ and I know the Bible as well as you know the Koran” remarked Mr Quamina sorrowfully looking at his Old Companion in arms

“The practical part of the affair is that I fear I shall begin by sending the whole chapel bodily to Hell — and then would’nt Percy storm a trifle!” answered O’ Connor — but friendly advice was at hand for at this moment the waiter entered with a note addressed to the lachrymose gentlemen, which being opened proved to be in Hectors handwriting —

“The Vestry — Santification Chapel

Well, my beloved brethren — I always thought you were rogues but, till now I did not know that you were fools — But out of pity to your babyhood I’ll just give you one fresh wrinkle in your strait — One fact is clear — that you
must
appear and speak unto improvement to night — But how are you to fructify when I question whether you ever opened the blessed pages since you first robbed your papa’s orchard. Now mark me old fellows. Dress yourselves in black, or as our holy friend would say ‘put on the whole armour of righteousness’, sling round your thrapples a white neckercheif — and, when you are called on, LIE left and right as if according to the holy word you were lying “with a cart rope’. In
 
blackening yourselves from your cradle to your conversion beat the powers of the imp who polishes the boots of Satan. If you can find words to picture earth as worse than Hell do so — but pray do not get
too
drunk ere you enter the sacred portal — I dont care about a dozen tumblers, but
not one
more except to Jeremiah who in consideration of his natural phlegm may be allowed the bakers or the devils dozen.

Remember boys our holy saint is in no joking mood to day — He is just now kneeling at a chair beside me screeching like a half throttled turkey cock for the lord. He roars so about crucifixion in Jesus that I wish from my soul he were nailed hand and foot like a dead magpie, to a barn door.

From your sinful travailer in the throes of labour, and about to bring forth a cubic yard of the blessed one — thus much.

N.B. If you wish to pull our holy friends delicate “petite nez retroussé” you may dash in a few stiffish hints respecting the sinful lusts of the flesh, and the pride of life — but alas you do not know the scriptural phraseology so I suppose I must do that myself!

The Rev H.M.M. Montmorency

Some time a feeble labourer in the vineyards of Damnblastaree — Swiglushaboo, and the torrid African wilds of Splitmytimberara” but now a labourer among the people called methodists.

To HIS servants
gathered over eggs
Ham Brandy and coffee
in the Breakfast room

Thurstons Arms.”

“Grace and peace be with them”

“Well” said O’ Connor with a sigh as if of gratitude for a mountain removed from his breast — “I see through it — The practical part of the evening will be just what I can weild, and if my lies don’t kick down yon chapel Joshua’s trumpets never floored the walls of Jericho!”

“I see no fun in the matter” returned Mr Quamina sulkily “He’s a fool and he want to make fools of us — I dont like to have my tail cut off to please the docked fox — But as you say Arthur I can LIE as far as from here to Guinea as as fast as the rapids of the Congo and as loud as a Gold Coast thunder storm. For not getting drunk to night I’ll not promise, because I am so vexed at him.”

Gordon only growled “I wish he would only think of women for he is never bearable when he deals with men” and Simpson muttered “I wish I may have the collection to count.”

Some of my readers may know little of places of public worship except from such examples as they may find in the lofty roofed, nobly windowed piles which our national religion has dedicated to the service of God. But the decorous worship — the plain yet stately liturgy — the cathedral chaunts and those Anthems that speak to us from the graves of Purcell, Tallis, Gibbons, Bull, Kent or Green, find no parallel in the new raw cubes of brick or stone, pierced with two tiers of semicircular arched windows and possessed of interiors as fine as gaudily painted pews and galleries can make, which are denominated CHAPELS. These gems of classic architecture may possess Organs of much cost and enshrined in mahogany cases but, alas! their music is that of a waltz in ‘delirium tremens’ fancying that it is dancing souls to heaven; Their pulpits are adorned with unexceptionable velvet but the bibles lying upon them are thumped in time to a tattoo of extemporaneous raving: ‘I speak not in anger but in sorrow’ reader for though I could point out many an illustrious exception I have seen enough of what were once called ‘conventicals’ to feel aware that the slight sketch I have just drawn or the more finished picture which I mean to paint give no exaggerated idea of the follies into which man can plunge when he wishes to appear more holy than he is.